Work too hot to handle

Most of you know I've been unable to work for several months now.

I've also complained about how no one wants to stay in contact with me anymore, including my "friends" from work.

About a week ago I heard from one of them (from work). He said he's been busy, that they probably didn't get my emails at work, and a load of other bs. Anyway water under the bridge. I complained that the boss there has not answered my emails and has not been in contact at all with me since he asked me for my key back. I reminded this guy that the last I heard from the boss, he was willing to let me work on the company newsletter from home, and that he said he would send me the information for it. He didn't do that and I didn't hear from him again until he asked for the key back. I also made it clear that these new emails were private (they were to his home email, not his work email) and I was aggravated about the bosses behavior but didn't want him to know I was complaining about it.

I asked the guy from work if he was going to bring me some stuff I left at work. This is stuff he was going to bring me months ago, he set up a date to come by but that date past and I haven't heard from him since (up until a week ago). He said he would bring my stuff sometime during that week, and I offered that he could drop it at a mutual friend's house if it was more convenient (I was thinking that he might be uncomfortable visiting me, so this way he had an "out" and I could still get my stuff).

The week past, and once again NOTHING! Didn't email, didn't bring my stuff, didn't drop it off at my friends. For me, "been there done that". It is likely he doesn't realize what a big deal this is for me.

So TODAY I suddenly get an email from the boss: "glad to hear you want to work on the newsletter, here is the stuff. When can I have a proof?" WHOA!!! That was MONTHS AGO! Obviously this guy said something to the boss about being in touch with me recently, it is also a good bet that he offered me up for the newsletter because no one at the shop likes doing it.

I am certainly not prepared to take this on in short notice, especially with my lack of any sleep for the past week or so. I couldn't concentrate on it even if I wanted to.

But there's more...

I later got another email from someone else at work, another of my "friends" there, again apologizing for the lack of contact (he's been busy--apparently every single person at work has independantly had some personal issues that made any of them too busy to contact me for three straight months or more) and asking about the newsletter, oh, and BTW how was I doing? His reason for contacting me I think was sincere, he obviously also spoke to the other guy at work about me, and realized that the boss jumped the gun with sending me the newsletter stuff without anyone having asked me about it. But I'm still angry that they all want to be friends but no one wants to take the time or effort to do any of the things that friends do (like answer my emails or visit or see how I am doing).

That's a lot of venting, I'm pretty hot over this, my anxiety level has gone through the roof in the past few hours. (how am I going to sleep TONIGHT??!!) It is only because of a miscommunication, possibly some laziness and "passing the buck", and a "professional" urge to clarify the issue that they have contacted me at all. Plus still no word at all about the stuff the guy was supposed to bring by!

But to more practical matters, I haven't answered them yet. This boss expects everything to be done immediately, that's just how he is "When can you have a proof" means "tomorrow". Getting this done quickly is out of the question because I've been out of the loop for so long, plus I can't possibly work on it until I get my current med situation sorted out and get some sleep. He sends the newsletters out on the 15th of each month and I doubt that he would want to go past that.

But more importantly I would like to do the newsletters, if he won't wait for this one I can offer to take this on for next month and beyond. This would be wise because it would keep me doing something and would also keep me in touch with my job there. But the other side of the coin is that I don't know that I really WANT to do it! I seriously think I do not want to go back to work there at all, with so much having past I don't trust anyone there anymore and if my anxiety is going to get this high just from an email I don't know if it is wise for my health (my heart started to race as soon as I saw email from them in my in-box, before I even read the emails to see what they wanted).

I doubt that I am asking for advice here, because I already know that the right thing to do would be to keep the lines open even if I don't end up back there. Don't burn the bridges. I am just so angry upset and anxious I can't even think straight.

I don't trust them, i don't want to trust them, i don't want to be friends anymore, i don't even want to try to fix things. I hate feeling this way. It is a very small company and working there with personality conflict is out of the question. Boss likes to think and always talks about how much like a family it is, not just work but in a personal sense that he cares about everyone so much. He makes such a huge deal that last year he came to my house to dig me out of the snow, wasn't that so nice of him? Of course, because he wanted me AT WORK!! Where was he this year when I was snowed in? Hippocrite. Typical I guess.

Am I rambling? This has me pretty upset.

-- The world is what we make of it --
-- Dave
-- <A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.idexter.com>http://www.idexter.com</A>

(((((((((((((((((((((Dexter)))))))))))))))))))

nightdream

Dexter, are you sure it isn't the depression making you see your co-workers in such a dark light? The reason I ask is because I felt almost exactly like you about friends and family when my depression had a hold on me. Once that was leveled off by the meds, people didn't seem so bad to me.

But hey... if the prospect of doing the newsletter this month causes you so much anxiety, then don't do it. Email your boss and tell him it was too short a notice, but that you'd like to do it next month. It does sound thoughtless of him to just drop it on you all of a sudden since you and he hadn't been in communication up until now.

The friend that was supposed to give you your things? Have you told him straight out without pulling any punches how important those things are to you? Maybe he doesn't realize it.

I'd say do what is best for you and don't worry about them but give the meds some time. Waiting is such a pain sometimes, isn't it?


<font color=blue>"The winds of change continue rolling and they just carry me away."</font color=blue>

Dexter I’m not sure I in any way am a person who should be giving you advice so please don’t take this as such. People who don’t suffer or who have never gone through the things we go through yes, are or do appear to be thoughtless. But no more than we are to (what we would call ) their little problems. It was good advice to have it out with your ‘friend’ whom caused problems. If you really think you can’t handle the news letter besides taking the advice not to do it is there some way we her (I) can help through e-mail or PM’s? And as ozzie said feel free to vent, its better in then out O.K! Having said that (me idiot) there is a time difference but I am awake. Oh and your right never burn bridges you never know when you may have to cross back over them.

>>Dexter, are you sure it isn't the depression making you see your co-workers in such a dark light?

SeptMorn I'm glad you brought this up, this is something I think about a very very lot. Especially because even before I was officially diagnosed with depression and before I really knew I was suffering this is something that I know is relevant.

Specifically, concerning the isolation of depression.

Before my trip to the hospital I absolutely knew I was isolating myself from friends. Part of this is that I didn't want to expose my "plans" and didn't want them to feel guilty. But also because of the depression, like you said, I became very paranoid, maybe not paranoid exactly but very accusatory in my own mind. "They say they didn't call because they didn't have time, but I think they had time to call someone else, were they lying to me?" Well, I guess that is paranoia. And yes the depression makes us expect the worst from people.

I believe that a huge factor in the isolation of depression (this may not be the case for everyone but I believe it to be true for me) is a sort of "self protection". I know for a fact I spread an attitude of "I don't want anyone to talk to me" in some cases I became just argumentative but lots of times I just nourished the impression that I didn't feel well and didn't feel like chatting. (This was especially easy because the pain of my arthritis was very visible even when people didn't know that depression was an issue). But underneath I wanted them to call and stay in touch, and to keep calling even when I put them off. Even while I was doing this I knew it was unfair. I was setting an impossible hurdle for them and then getting angry that they couldn't or wouldn't broach it. And if they did I just made the hurdle higher. I didn't want to be hurt anymore by anyone so I made it impossible to hurt me by setting up the illusion that they were all scum. I hurt myself with their hands so that they couldn't hurt me with their hands.

The thing is, when I went into the hospital, I had made a conscious decision to try to work things out, and an important step in that was to reconnect with my friends and for me tp make the effort to stay in touch. Obviously not everyone is comfortable dealing with depression, but many or most of my friends had good conversations with me, thanking them for letting me back in, in many cases saying they actually had some experience with depression and knew what was going on but didn't know what to do for me, and promising to support me and help me through this.

At first this went well. People called and made an effort to visit. I made an effort to call them and to reassure them that I wanted to remain in touch. I stopped being "touchy" if "they didn't call me first" or keeping track of "my turn"/"their turn" to call and idiot stuff like that.

I also made a point to try to call many people so that I wasn't laying too much on any one person. I tried to keep the conversation "light" for those who I thought weren't really up for details. For those who pushed me for details, I tried not to keep calling them, to get by with more casual calls to others to keep me occupied, and to encourage them to be honest with me about how much they wanted to hear.

The thing is, over the course of the several months I've been out of the hospital, all of that has completely erroded away. I don't think my friends don't care, I think they are just too busy and consider me "secondary". I think some of them assume I have a line of people waiting to pick up the slack. But the worst part is not that we've lost contact but that they've made impossible excuses even in the face of my direct requests. As I've said before, some have made specific appointments to visit and then just didn't show up, no call to cancel or explain, no call afterward to apologize or explain. And yes, I've been telling them specifically to please call if they can't make it, that it is very important to me. As I've said over the holidays I couldn't get in contact with ANYONE and didn't get a single call and got absolutely no presents from anyone for christmas or hanukah. And even when the depression is not an issue, I've had so many people promise to help me at the house with things like shoveling my snow because of my arthritis. Yet when we had the snow last month I was snowed in and missed two support groups, had to walk to one doc appt (luckly close by) even though I called seven people who had promised to help with such things. Most of them didn't even return my call to say they were sorry they couldn't make it. So yes, I'm pulling myself away from everyone again, but this time I feel seriously, seriously hurt. Hurt and alone because I am only secondary to everyone I know.

There's a karma issue too that I want to talk about in another response.

As for this specific instance... the "first guy" from work I do believe is uncomfortable in general with all of this, although he said otherwise, I get a different "vibe" from him even though he had been visiting early on. That is why I made the offer for him to drop my stuff at a mutual friend's house, to give him that option. And without making too emotional, I did let him know how important it is to me for people to keep commitments, just from a health standpoint.

The second guy is someone I've given a lot of support to in the past, both on the job and in his personal life. He has always made an effort to tell me that he was my friend and was concerned about me, when things were going bad at work he would come and say "Don't worry I've got your back" and he would encourage me to talk to him when he knew I wasn't feeling well. I really believe that once I went in the hospital things became much too serious for him, so I don't blame him but I still feel hurt that I misjudged things so badly, he was someone I had expected to stick with things.

So, long answer to a short question, but yes, I do really think that my depression is still very much coloring this issue. But on the other hand "this time around" I do have some actual experiences to back up my fears, which makes it even harder to accept it all.

Thanks for responding. I'm still mostly just really sinking in the depression, and still looking for that elusive rope. I'm back to making my support groups regularly (twice a week) though.

-- The world is what we make of it --
-- Dave
-- <A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.idexter.com>http://www.idexter.com</A>

dooney thanks for your response too. This is also something that I have given a lot of thought over the past two years and even longer.

I will have to keep you in suspense though after that long volume above i think i should probably only bare my soul (or a tiny part of it at least) once per insomniac session.

Seriosuly I think I should try again to get some sleep tonight. As I said elsewhere the doc has changed my meds so hopefully in a few days I'll be sleeping better. That doens't mean I won't be subjecting everyone to my novel-length posts though, it's a bad habit I've had on other message boards too.

-- The world is what we make of it --
-- Dave
-- <A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.idexter.com>http://www.idexter.com</A>

{{{{{{{{{Dexter}}}}}}}}}}}

I enjoy reading your posts.....you are very intelligent and knowledgeable. Don't shorten them too much ok?

I wanted to address your concerns about work. My advice would be to talk to your boss (I am assuming he knows about your illness?) and explain to him that this month is not reasonable for you but you would love to do it for next month.....gives you time to catch up on the happenings with work, etc. Explain to him how much you enjoy doing the newsletter but you would feel more comfortable with some more time. Being that it is almost the middle of the month now....I am sure he will understand.

Now about your co-workers......hmmmm...the thought that popped into my mind is are they informed as to what depression "really" is? Even though they could be well meaning people....ignorance of not knowing what depression is all about makes some uncomfortable.

I am so sorry that this has happened to you. I am sure it is even harder as you have no family and your friends are more like family to you? I have 8 brothers and sisters and am only close with one of my brothers.....my friends mean everything to me so I understand how you feel.

The only advice I can think of at this time is to make a visit into work? Is that possible? How close are you to work? I am just thinking that it may be a way for you to visit with your boss and co workers....catch up...collect the things you need, etc. Is this possible?

I think you are a terrific guy and I know you will get through all of this.


Heather

Don't concern yourself with "too long" posts... if someone doesn't have time to read it all at once, they can return later.

Try to remember (all of us need to) what is THEIR problem and issues, and what is OUR problem and issues. It helps me to not try and solve more than my share. : }

Please research anything I suggest before believing...

so i couldn't put this off, it would be unprofessional to leave him in a lurch thinking i was wroking on the newsletter so here's what i emailed tonight: (the names have been bleeped to protect the innocent"

<font color=blue>>>"Glad to hear you want to do the newsletter, here are the parts. When can you have a proof?"

hi ****, sorry there seems to have been a disconnect here. i would like to work on the newsletter but won't be able to handle this months on such short notice. this has been a particular bad week and i haven't slept all week, bad change of medication and they are changing again as of yesterday so hopefully this will sort out this issue for me by the end of this week, but so far been really brutal with no sleep. in any case i emailed about doing the newsletter back in october and it was october 30th that you emailed me back agreeing to send me the stuff to do it so i was taken off guard by receiving this email suddenly.. i know you like the newsletter to go out on the 15th and given this weeks "crisis" with my new doc and med change can't guarantee anything that quick for this. sorry for not being able to take care of this one.

if you want me to maybe we can plan for the next one. at the very least i need my dvd back with the templates for the newsletter and stuff or else i'll have to search for them through my backups. **** is supposed to bring my stereo from work at some point to me or to ***** {mutual friend-ed.} for me so maybe he can bring the disk then too. if you want me to work on this check with me about a week before next months stuff is ready so i can let you know if i'm prepared and able. i need that disc back anyway so hopefully **** can bring it.

hope you and everyone there is well.</font color=blue>

I hope that's ok and doesn't come off as sarcastic, it was hard, and its late so i hope i didn't misjudge.

Some quick responses:

>>(I am assuming he knows about your illness?) yes my boss knows what is going on, he even came to visit me in the hospital.

>>the thought that popped into my mind is are they informed as to what depression "really" is? the ones i cared about were interested and i offered them the paper i wrote on depression. i didn't write it for them, i wrote it for some people in my groups, it seemed to fill a void, but when the people i considered friends asked i pointed them to it.

one of the guys at work is sympathetic but clearly does not get it. i'm sure he hasn't done anything to educate himself. he apologizes for not understanding but that's about it. the other one did read my thing and he commented on it some point later. he's the one i think may be uncomfortable visiting but talking with him back then he did take the information to heart. he in fact did visit me a few times early on so i'm not sure if it got too much for him or if it is just that i'm not important enough for anyone to try to make time. that was a good sign when he talked about my paper but then he completely disappeared, not even offering to bring the stuff he had promised.

>>The only advice I can think of at this time is to make a visit into work? way too much anxiety out of the question. seeing everyone at once would make all my blood drain, seeing the place there are a lot of changes, i feel left out and that hurts too, plus there is the issue with the person i originally had the blowup with that led to all this in the first place. i know all this because i had tried to go back to work, just part time after daily iop sessions, and even an hour a day there was too much after two days, plus the person with the issue, who used to be my friend, wouldn't even talk to me, didn't even say hello back to me though i made it a point to go in her office and say hello. i'm sure that is the person who tells people i "no longer work there" when one of my friends tried to reach me there a while ago.

i'm really torn between making any attempt to make this work job-wise, trying to make this work friendship-wise, or just cutting the cord and not looking back which would be difficult too but may be healthiest for me.

The stuff that the guy was supposed to bring me from work, the stuff itself isn't a huge issue (as long as i get it back eventually) its the fact that he said he would bring it by and then bailed, because thats what everyone has been doing and it really hurts, and is killing my capacity to trust or love. aside from my financial worries that's what i meant when i said if i get through this but loose everything in the process then it won't be much of a victory for me.

I haven't even tried for bed yet, gonna wait a little while and try for maybe a few hours uninterrupted.

-- The world is what we make of it --
-- Dave
-- <A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.idexter.com>http://www.idexter.com</A>

{{{{{{{{{{Dexter}}}}}}}}}}}}

Let the new meds work for a bit and then do some thinking about whether or not you do want to work with them again.

It definitely sounds like it is too stressful for you there.....a clean break may be what you do need. Let the meds settle in with you....and gosh hun I hope you get some restful sleep soon.

You are in my thoughts.


Heather

i have to admit that waiting for the meds is getting to be pretty bleak, going on 4 months here with no improvement and hardhips closing in on the horizon.

-- The world is what we make of it --
-- Dave
-- <A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.idexter.com>http://www.idexter.com</A>

so i heard back from work today and i am extremely upset.

my boss is mad that i am not doing the newsletter this month. he has a very unique view of the world and everyone has to accomodate him. he apparently has been "upset" that i have been "so difficult to contact" and thinks that i have had no interest in doing any work for the place. this is in spite of the fact that i have answered every single one of his emails and tried to get intouch with him and others in the shop when i heard nothing. in the past i've made concrete offers to do work, on the newsletter and on several other projects, and he has reacted enthusiastically and agreed to send me the files to work on these projects and then he never followed through, on each and every occasion. i know he didn't forget because he reacts to things immediately and keeps a daily log with a to do list, most of the things he would normally have responded to immediately with a forwarded email. so at those times his lack of following through was a conscious decision for whatever reason. but now I'm the one who "appears as if i don't want to do any work" and the guy who filled me in on this says it is due to lack of communication on both sides. i have gone out of my way to try to be in touch even when i was at my worst and gave up when i recieved no responses from anyone in the shop so don't lay this on me.

as for the immediate newsletter issue, here's the play. back in october i offered (concretely) to work on the newsletter from home, and he answered me (i have the email) thanking me and promising to send the stories for the letter when they were ready, which should have been in two weeks. i heard nothing from him, the newsletter was done on time (so he wasn't waiting around for me and then took other action, if his email was lost or something) and i was removed from the email list so i didnt even receive it. (i found it on my own on the company website).

when i spoke with the other guy from work (the "first guy" noted in previous messages) the topic of the newsletter came up and i told him about the events from october and apparently andy didn't want me working on it for whatever reason. i also told this first guy that this was in the past and my intention wasn't to make an issue of it. that was a little more than a week ago. this week the newsletter is due again, and i know that noone there likes working on it, so this first guy brought up to the boss that maybe i would be interested in working on it again. the boss misinterpreted this (as he always does) to mean that the guy had spoken with me and that an agreement was made for me to work on this newsletter, so the boss fired off the email with the files to me, which of course was a total surprise to me, because i hadn't even made another real offer to do the newsletter i was only relating past disappointment.

so i sent the email back explaining that i couldn't do it on short notice but maybe next month.

i hear today from the other guy at work (the third person in this story, my other friend there) that he realizes that the boss misinterpreted the events, but nevertheless in his mind i had screwed him once more by promising to do the newsletter and then backing out. this third guy (lest you are not keeping score, he hasn't answered my emails nor tried to make contact with me on his own for the past three months) suggests that because the lack of communication is "on both ends" and since the boss has tunnel vision that it is up to me to contact the boss and explain to him that i would work on the newsletter next month. (which of course i did say in my previous email).

while that would be the wise thing to do under the circumstances i am completely fed up with the whole situation. i am really really suffering here, struggling to cope with each day on my own, and have no desire to take on the task of explaning myself, or defending myself, or feeling like I am expected to be the one to tiptoe around a "delicate situation" especially when i have been forthcoming in the past and that doesn't count for anything. why should i think that future attempts would be any different?

do we have that anger forum yet?

i am so upset i haven't eaten or taken meds or anything yet today i am completely beside myself. the boss is out of town for a few days not that i necessarily want to say anything to him. i sent a long email to the "third guy" explaining my point of view and i just hope i didn't upset him.

-- The world is what we make of it --
-- Dave
-- <A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.idexter.com>http://www.idexter.com</A>

Dexter,
I don't really have any advice, it sounds to me like you are going through alot right now in your life. I understand some of it. Depression doesn't help much when it comes to the future, how well I know. I hope things will work out ok for you. It sounds like your job is sending alot of confusing mixed messages. I understand the feeling of frustration and agitation things like this can cause. And I hope everything works out for you. The support groups sound like a positive outlet.

Wishing you the best,

KRIS


Spread the joy of a positive 2004 remember random acts of kindness

If you think you have totally gave up, you haven't, because you are here!

yes mixed messages. the work doesn't bother me as much as the personal stuff, because what i would want most now is just some sign of support from someone i know. however the work i s a big issue too now because of my financial worries so i can't even manage to push that aside as unimportant.

i am so over the top right now. i finally managed to eat a sandwich at least. i see my t again next week, but currently it will be at least another day or two before the sleep problem stops adding to my stress. i don't know how i am getting through this.

-- The world is what we make of it --
-- Dave
-- <A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.idexter.com>http://www.idexter.com</A>

>>People who don’t suffer or who have never gone through the things we go through yes, are or do appear to be thoughtless. But no more than we are to (what we would call ) their little problems.

That is a huge issue for me, something of a personal choice that i made many many years ago. I have ALWAYS gone out of my way to anticipate problems of other people and to help out in any way i could, often just by being there for support rather than offering advice or such. And knowing that most people say "let me know if you need anything" but that is their way of saying "please don't call me" I always prided myself on being one to show my support with actions instead of words. someone ill i wouldn't call to express sympathy, i would go to the hospital and offer comfort (often the friend wasn't the one in the hospital, it might have been a family member or something but I wanted to be there to support my friend).

I've always recognized how uncomfortable most people are in hospitals or in grief situations and this is something that I personally have been always been able to deal with easily. So it is not that I am "stronger" than other people, just that I recognize this characteristic of myself and made a decision to make use of it by being there when others might be feeling isolated or alone and in need of support. and i don't wait for them to call because i know it is hard to ask for help.

i've often made this a priority in my life. i have a very very long story that i'm very proud of from many years ago of a friend who's family went through a string of several tragedies including an suicide and a serious illness, and i spent several years becoming close to that whole family even when it jeapordized my job because of all of the time i was spending with them. i made it very clear to my boss that this was important to me even if it cost me my job (it didn't)

more recently i tried to make an effort for one of the guys at work who also suffered a personal and sudden loss in his family. one of his friends (at that time i had known him relatively briefly, but i knew one of his other friends from work) this other friend was obviously a bit uncomfortable about attending the wake so i offered to take him with me so he wouldn't be alone. i went to the funeral on my own, taking half a day off work to do so. a week later, before he returned from work, i found an excuse to find his home (i had never been there) and stop by to drop something off for him, because i hadn't been in contact and wanted to make sure he was ok and also to let him know that my money was where my mouth was, so if he needded anythng he could call. when all this was going on i was already a full year into my own personal deep depression, well before i was hospitalized of course but already i knew that things were on a bad track with me.

it is this same guy who now doesn't give me the benefit of the doubt and believes the boss (whom everyone knows has a warped sense of reality) that i have contributed to being unthoughtful with regard to staying in contact.

here's the karma thing before i go too far. i want to make it very clear that those choices i made absolutely had nothing to do with the expectation of getting anything in return other than personal satisfaction. if anyone has read "the seven laws for spiritual success" by deepak choprah (not sure if i have the title correct) it is important to give without expecting anything in return.

i have always believed in a sense of karma though, it is an important part of my lifes philosophy. i don't believe it in the religious sense of reincarnation, but more in the casual sense of "what goes around comes around". i never expected to be in the type of position i am in now of course (who ever does?) but i always had a good sense with my friends that if i ever needed anything i would have resources. another important aspect of my belief is that i never thought that any of the people i did specific things for would be the ones to help me in return. i don't believe there is a galactic scorecard on a person-to-person sense but rather on a universal sense.

If anyone remembers "Northern Exposure" there was an episode where Joel was initiated into the local indian tribe and to do so he had to give up all of his posessions. of course he was reluctant but was reassured that it was a spiritual gesture and he would get back everything he needed. the "surprise" was he got the stuff back, but not his "own" stuff. he gave up a cooking pot and received another one from a member of the tribe. there is something in sharing and community there, and also of course the lesson of our weird "attachment" to material things.

but in another sense it also illustrates my belief, in that i never felt "i did such a thing for so-and-so, and if i ever need anything so-and-so will return the favor". rather i've believed that if i nuture good relationships wth friends and give of myself to them, if ever i was in need the "universe" would supply the support i needed, most likely in some of my current, newer relationships with friends.

and that is where my philosophy has failed me and completely broken me. the work situation illustrates that completely. i have not even mentioned the long hours and attention to detail i put in while working there, out of true loyalty and a desire to do a good job and simultaneously to be a good person to my friends there both inside and outside of work. my work there was never driven by a weekly paycheck.

and of course the story is multiplied across the board because i feel abandoned by everyone. i know i have been complaining about them alot but the truth is i still think they are all very good pepole, really of the highest caliber. many of them are just unprepared to cope with this situation, and i can't fault them for that. many simply live too far away for anythng but casual contact. and a large majority simply have too many primary commitments, and i am only now realizing that as much as i care about these people and they (sincerely) care about me, i am only a "secondary" consideration, they do what they can but can't put in that extra effort if i need it, to miss a little sleep or miss seeing a movie or social event with other friends. and of course they have personal commitments which they can't ignore, spouses, family and children.

so as much as i complain i am not really mad at anyone just really disappointed and disallutioned that my philosophy has been so off the mark, really moreso that maybe i should have spent more time in the past worrying about myself instead of others and nurturing some closer "primary" friendships so that i'd have something to grab hold of here.

i do greatly appreciate sharing my feelings and it is great having the understanding and compasion of people on this board. and also the people i have met in treatment and in support groups, but i don't feel that trusting or close to anyone yet.

and my biggest biggest problem is that i don't have any personal contact anymore with anyone. in social groups my friends would touch and hug a lot. now that no one visits i have no skin contact with anyone. if anyone shows up i am so desparate to hug that it likely puts them off. it really is a miserable situation that i'm sure has biological ramifications in addition to psychological ones. i know studies have been done with babies who don't get touched by their mothers but otherwise have complete healthy care and they end up with problems.

with so many real and serious issues facing me, my health, surviving, work, finances, i often feel silly about how often i think about just wanting someone i trust here to sit and watch tv with me.

hope this isn't the most pathetic thing you have ever read, or if it is i at least hope i go into a hall of fame or something for it.

-- The world is what we make of it --
-- Dave
-- <A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.idexter.com>http://www.idexter.com</A>

Unfortunately I have found that professional relationships are best left that way, because there is too much politics involved in any job to be able to rely on a trustworthy friendship coming from the office. Caution always with workplace friendships.
-Ariel

-Ariel

Whatever you can do,
Or dream you can, begin it.
Boldness has genius, power, and magic, in it.
-Goethe