[frownupsidedown]

The longer my depression lasts, the fewer friends I have that stick by me and the more I seem to alienate my family. I'm down to one close friend who is tired of my negativity and doesn't want to hear me talk about any struggles I'm having, my sister and her family who are very busy with their own lives and have no understanding or interest in me, and my parents who do not listen to me and have plenty of their own issues. I try hard when I talk to family and friends to not just talk about my struggles but show interest in their lives as well and I try to stop myself if I'm going toward negativity. The problem is, I can't just absolutely stop talking about my struggles with depression and sometimes I need to share my feelings and have someone who knows me, listen, and give me their opinion. Depression is part of me and doesn't go away by not talking about it and makes it worse for me when I don't talk about it.

I know how difficult it is to be around someone who is down all the time and realize it can wear a person down. How do I keep my friends and family from fleeing when I'm so depressed?

[optimize990h]

Hello frownupsidedown!

If I was in the situation you describe I would minimize my talk on anything negative.

I would save the way I actually feel with people who understands what you feel with the patience of someone who's been there themselves.

These are just suggestions, so take what you like and leave the rest behind.

[smmath]

can you talk to a therapist/mental health person. they will listen to your problems without getting tired of your issues? then you can talk to friends/family about lighter stuff and the therapist about the mental depressions things. good luck! hugs

--Sam

[allimsaying]

Hi frownupsidedown,

I remember that feeling. One time I totally bummed a friend out, I couldnt help it and, like you described, I lost that friend in a few days time. Thats hard and it makes the ball of depression a little bigger with each hurt we have like that. I so wish you werent going thru that right now.

Ultimately we cant control any one elses actions, only our own. With this pain youre feeling and the losses youre having I think its really important to remember to be extra gentle to yourself right now.

There is a lot of inner work to get to a place where we again feel good enough to re-connect to others we've lost. If we can be loving now, to ourselves, and to them, it makes that re-connection so much easier down the line. Love them, even if they are leaving you right now and do your best to understand that they dont understand. Many of them are hurt too and would like to do more if they knew how.

[RJ78]

Yeah, I've been through that as well. I agree with optimize. Lay as much stuff as you can on professionals who deal with this stuff every day, therapists, p-docs, and whoever else you may come into contact with, join a depression support group if there's one in your area, I'm in one and though it's not a very fun time, everyone sits there and listens and nods and we support each other in person. I even made a friend or two, which is pretty sweet. And come on here and tell us what's going on. People on PC are super resourceful and listen very well, like for real. That ain't easy to find.

RJ

[adam_k]

Therapist and pdoc deal with it all the time and they have a much higher capacity to not be wore down by your problems.

I think it is good to have clear expectation on what you want from the people that support you. Do you want someone to comfort you when you are down? Do you need someone to be with you when you are feeling like you will hurt yourself?

It can be a burden on some people who don't know how to help or think they can't do anything. The truth is, most people can't do anything to make you feel better, but it helps to keep connected. I would try to convey that message. That you don't expect the person to make you happy, but just be there for you. A shoulder to cry on, or a person to vent to, or someone to keep you safe when things are bad. I would just say be honest with the people in your life and what you want from them.

It can be very intimidating for someone to hear how bad you feel. Especially if they haven't been thru depression. It can be difficult for some people to know how it feels to be so depressed you want to hurt yourself. I guess it is a good thing, but most people in life don't have to deal with that. For those use that do, we need people in our life to be supportive and that we can rely on when things get to that point. Whether that be medical professionals, family, friends, or spouses. We have to have some type of support.

Some people are just bad at supporting others. When I got out of the hospital I had an uncle that was rather upset with me for feeling this way. He just didn't get that depression isn't something that you can wish away or ignore. I checked myself in the hospital because was planning to hurt myself. I talked to my T and she said it would be a good idea I check myself in. It kind of suppressed me, but my mom was there for me when I got out. I was never really close to my mom and I lived with my dad when my parents split up. She stayed with me when I got out of the hospital until I started feeling better.

My only suggestion is be clear on what you want from the other person. I wouldn't expect them to cure your depression, but just to be there for you. It can grind someone down, to deal with depression, but there are some people that can deal with it, the trick is finding those people that can be there for you. For me it is my wife. That is the only person I really depend on in my life.

[jer77od]

I've grown quite good at losing friends because of all my issues. All I can say is keep at it, yet find new people to be negative with. Like even this site. Hundreds of people who have a wide range of coping and sharing skills. I'm sure there are a lot of ppl here with nothing but negativity on the mind. The only way to get better is to let it out little at a time, then solve them one step at a time. So go ahead, complain away. That's one reason I made an acct here was to get help with all the things I'm not happy about. Tho I've yet to start.

[frownupsidedown]

A big thanks to all of you that responded and gave advice--it helps a lot and helps me to not feel so much like giving up completely.

[RJ78]

I'm glad to hear that frown, keep sharing as much as you like with us. And remember, you can also private message people on PC. I messaged someone the other day who's a long-time member and asked for some advice re: my meds and it was very helpful for me.

Hugs to you,

RJ

I feel that way myself. It seems like my depression comes from having health anxiety. I feel that my health anxiety is so imagined. I have fantasies of doctors telling me that they will have to operate on me several times because of cancer. It has never happened to me or anyone in my family. I guess it's because I hear so much about it.

I share my feelings with other people and they seem like they don't want to hear it. I wish that they can be understanding or I wish I could meet someone that would agree with me. Perhaps some of the people I've spoken with about it just get sick of me. I've felt like I could trust them enough to understand. They just don't seem to.

[lonelyemotionalgirl]

It is really hard to get some people to listen, or to get them to understand. Many people do not know how to handle other people's problems and negativity, and that can be extremely difficult to deal with. I would try not to be around the people who do not help as often, and if you are around the people, try to be as positive as possible. Try to make a new friend who can help you feel better, and you can always vent to any of the people at PC. I am always here if you need to talk.

[5a55y]

I am an expert at hiding my feelings and putting on a happy face. I've done that since I was in second grade so I find it easy to do. I am now 60. I find putting that mask on makes it difficult to talk to my therapist the way I really want to. It sounds like you're on one end of the pendulum swing and I'm on the other. All we can do is hang in there and keep trying I wish you the best.

[RJ78]

Another thing that came to mind is that because of my experience with depression and anxiety, I can pretty much identify someone who is suffering from one or the other if I spend a fair amount of time with them. I usually find it easier to confide in someone like that, and it seems to be mutual. I've shared my symptoms with three friends in this new city where I live and all three have clearly been depressed or have an anxiety disorder, and we totally bonded over it!

Go figure.

RJ

[kittycat97]

I have recently told my best friend that we should stop seeing each other because i needed some time to be alone. I feel really tired with people cos i thinking i am constantly pretending to be happy, normal. She knows i am depressed but she doesn't understands. And the worst thing is that she told someone that i cut. :@

[jer77od]

Your best friend just might be what you need instead of alone time. Nothing heals like time and good people.

[kittycat97]

I am so sad that she told people that i self harm

[jer77od]

Why do you feel so sad? It's a personal issue. No need feel bad about yourself and pity yourself. You are better than that. If I were u I would just continue to cover them and ignore the issue. It's nobody's damned business but your own.

[frownupsidedown]

Since I last posted, I've been under a tremendous amount of stress that is NOT understood by my family or friend. I got a job then lost a job and my family and friends seem disgusted with me for losing the job and have given me no support or understanding. Tonight my friend told me that losing my job just shows how overweight and out of shape I am and maybe I should work on that rather than find a job. My sister-in-law doesn't get why I'm so tired and achey from the job and thinks I shouldn't be having any trouble especially since it was a part-time job--she will never understand and I just got in a big arguement with her and came home. I hate my life..

[jer77od]

If a friend looks down on u for losing a job, that doesn't sound like a friend at all. Jobs come and go, especially bad jobs. Wow ur friend called u fat and told u that ur figure is more important that maintaining a job? I'm already beginning to question said friends. Friends help cope with stress. Good friends anyways. Positive ones. I would look into a different crowd for the time being. What is it ur so stressed about. You seemed rather vague.

[allimsaying]

Sorry to hear that frownupsidedown. It would be nice if they showed caring instead of that. Be caring to yourself if they cant be. You can get through this. If the job was physical and these are your first few days, maybe you are out of shape for it. That could happen to anyone. It takes a while to condition your body to the new exercise. Dont believe the negativity.

[kittycat97]

I feel like my friend is laughing me at self harming then supporting me. Maybe she even feels disgusted

[jer77od]

If so that would be a normal feeling. That is why self harm should be kept to oneself. It's nobody's damn business. Not even your own friends. They will probably judge and they have mouths too, which I'm sure gets around cuz ppl think that cutting is this "huge" deal that is like the worst thing someone could ever do. No, the worst thing you could do is rape. Now that should be frowned up. But you hear more about rape then you would about self harm. What is wrong with todays media?

[kittycat97]

? I don't get you

[jer77od]

Who said you had to "get me"?

[jer77od]

Sorry I was drunk. Lol. I'm actually not sorry. I still mean that.