[twiks]

I don't know what exactly brings me here.

I have self-diagnosed myself with depression. Based on what I have read online about symptoms of depression and the fact that within the last several months I have had several people tell me that I seem to be depressed lately.

I am 29 years old, I have been divorced for almost 5 years and have not dated anyone in that time. I work a dead-end 3rd shift factory job. Over the last several months I have come to realize that I have no friends in my life. I have co-workers that I converse with while at work but rarely if at all outside of that. The only person in my life that I talk to on a regular basis is my ex-wife but lately I feel like I can't even talk to her because I feel like when I do I'm just bothering her and she just puts up with it because she feels sorry for me. Basically my life for the last several months has been: go to work, go home and sleep for 12-14 hours, get up and go back to work. Days that I don't have to work I'll sleep 16-18 hours. I've been drinking a lot more than ever before in my life. I know that it isn't helping anything, but it numbs everything so that I don't have to think about everything going on in my life. I've always been shy, and meeting people/making new friends has always been really really hard for me. Just the very idea of starting a conversation with a random stranger terrifies me.

I don't have the extra money to seek any kind of professional/medical help so I guess that's why I'm turning to the internet. I apologize for any spelling or grammatical errors, I just got home from working 12 hours and have already started drinking.

I'm not really expecting any kind of help from this.....and I'm fairly certain that I already have been told all of the advice that I'll recieve from here (if I even get any). But what the hell....can't hurt to try this out I guess.

[optimize990h]

[/I]Hello twiks! Welcome to PsychCentral!

Even though I have not been married, I have experienced the lack of human real life contact. You are not alone with that situation.

More than one person has chosen alcohol as a "relaxer", but it also acts as a depressant because it slows breathing, slows reaction time, and relaxes the muscles. It will take more alcohol to relax you and become dependent on it, as the edge won't be affected. There's a good chance of getting a secondary problem.

Hope you can stick around PC and take advantage of the resources.[I]

Hello, Twiks, and welcome.

Yes, I agree with you that you may be depressed. If you can't afford a psychiatrist right now (who is really the best to treat you), please go in and talk to an internist or your personal family physician. Any one of the three of them can medicate you to improve your feeling tone and help you remove alcohol from your system.

Getting rid of the alcohol seems to be a first-in-line order, in my view. Once you are medicated for relaxation, maybe the alcohol drive will disappear. I hope so.

Afterwards, you need to rebuild your nutritional status. Start eating more fresh vegetables, fruits, and salads, and leave the breads alone. Eat quality meats about
4 times a week. Add an Omega3 fatty acids to your diet (they are available at
GNC, Vitamin Shoppe and multiple other places--I use the Nordic Omega 3 simply because I like the lemon flavor.)

Omega 3 fatty acids have been shown to be effective in research now in helping with the symptoms of depression or Bipolar Illness. You may find them to be wonderful help while you're building your strength.

Friendships will come your way once you get your diet and medications straightened out. Be pro-active in your care. Make it a point to change your diet, take your meds, and get your Omega 3 fatty acids and vitamins (the ones which are low based on your physician's bloodwork).

You'll be amazed at how quickly and calmly you will respond to life in a positive way
and enjoy being the special person you really are but can't see right now because of the fog that depression, inadequate nutrition, and fatigue cause.

They all interact with one another in leading you down the lonely, sad road when you should be up and about enjoying your life; making changes will do that for you.

Please try it and keep in touch to let us know how you are getting along.

Best wishes.

[Leed]

Bless your heart Twiks -- I'm so sorry you're going thru this. But life doesn't have to be this depressing.

It does sound like you're suffering from depression. And depression CAN become serious. It's nothing to ignore.

You NEED to go see your medical doctor, Twiks. He CAN help you. Since you can't go into therapy, your doctor can put you on an antidepressant which will get you back to feeling "normal." And I'm sure if you tell him about your financial problems, he'll give you SAMPLES. Most doctors have plenty of samples on hand, so I'm sure he can give you enough of them to get you started. With some antidepressants, it takes awhile before they start working so don't stop taking them thinking that they aren't working. Just be patient. With others, they begin working within a week or two. Like I said, others can take up to 6 weeks! So you HAVE to wait it out! But please see your doctor, ok?

I've been on antidepressants for about 40 years, as I have clinical depression, which is major depressive disorder. And I'll have to take them til I die. So I'm no stranger to them. LOL If you have any questions about them, please message me, ok? I can probably answer your questions.

And if you just feel like talking, message me. I'll be happy to be your "friend." I wish you the very best Twiks. God bless you and please take care. Big hugs, Lee

[twiks]

Thanks for the suggestions. I don't know what exactly an internist is, but I don't have a family physician. I haven't been to a doctor in about 10 years. I have no medical insurance and I barely make enough money to cover my monthly bills. That's why I made the comment that I can't afford professional/medical help.

I know that the alcohol isn't the answer and it isn't going to solve anything. It's gotten me into trouble in the past, but right now it's the only thing I have that makes it so that I don't just sit in my apartment and think about how much I hate my life.

I have been trying to make diet changes, and I started taking a daily multi-vitamin. Since I haven't been hungry enough to want to eat big meals I went to the store and picked up a bunch of fruits and vegetables because I figured they'd be better to have around when I was hungry just to have something to snack on not go straight for junk food. But I find it hard to even eat an entire piece of fruit. I ate half a banana today and felt like if I ate anymore than that I would be physically ill.

I feel like if I could get over my irrational fear of going out and meeting people it would go a long way towards helping me. I think that the main thing that kickstarted all of my feelings into this downward trend was realizing over the course of the holidays and my recent birthday that I really don't have anyone in my life. I have "friends" in various online communities (mostly from playing online games, and 1 or 2 from other social websites). But having online friends that live hundreds or thousands of miles away just doesn't help much when what you need is actual interaction with another person.

[twiks]

Thanks for the replies....I wrote out a reply on here this morning, but apparently it didn't post

Oh well, Let's see if I can remember anything that I wrote...

I have no idea what an internist is, but I don't have a family physician. I haven't been to a doctor in about 10 years and that was just to get my finger sewn up after hurting myself at work. I have no insurance and I barely make enough money to cover my monthly bills. That was why I said I didn't have the money to get any professional/medical help.

I know that alcohol isn't the answer, and it isn't going to fix anything. It's gotten me into trouble in the past. But right now it's the only thing that I have that makes it so that I don't just sit in my apartment all day and think about how much I hate my life.

I have been attempting to change my "diet" and have started taking vitamins for the past few weeks. When I started not being hungry or wanting to eat big meals I started buying a lot more fruits and vegetables so that when I did get hungry I could grab something like that instead of just going straight for the junk food. But even then, I have a hard time eating an entire piece of fruit most of the time. I tried to eat a banana earlier today, ate about half of it and felt like if I took another bite I would be physically sick.

I feel like all of this started for me last fall, and has just gotten progressively worse through the holidays and my recent birthday that just passed. Things like that really make you realize how many friends you have (or don't have as the case may be). I spent my birthday sitting in my apartment, alone, and went to bed at around 6pm. I feel like if I could get over my irrational fear of going out and meeting people I would be a lot better off, I've just never been the kind of person that can walk up to a stranger and generate a conversation out of nothing.

I have several "friends" in different online communities. Mostly from playing online games or a few from other social websites. But having "friends" that live hundreds or thousands of miles away just isn't the same as having someone nearby that you can call up and go hang out with.

[allimsaying]

Hi twiks,

I understand your feeling of wanting more friends in real life. I have few friends, dont go out many places, wonder what I should do on those special days like holidays and birthdays. I work a lot right now so even if I had those friends, I wouldnt have time to put into doing things with them.

Health care is expensive, Im like you, no insurance right now, thankfully I found work with a better income and I should be able to buy a plan in the near future.

Ive used alcohol to numb myself, it let me laugh when otherwise laughing was impossible. Unfortunately it also has its dark side and I wouldnt recommend it as any form of treatment. You mentioned you know that tho. For me, while it let me lose my inhibitions for 4 or 5 hours, I also paid for it with stupid things Id do while I had that wonderful free to be me feeling.

Eating healthier food isnt as hard for me. Depends on how healthy you're talking about tho. I was raised on beef and potatoes. Thats the only thing that seems like real food to me. But now I add fruits like you mentioned and I drink protein supplements with vitamins just to make myself feel like Im doing something better for myself than I used to. I think buying these things and taking them help me to feel that Im on a track to better health. It helps me in creating positive thoughts and a plan for myself to do whats good over whats unhealthy, not only in food, but in action and thought. Kind of defeats the purpose to take a vitamin then follow it with a 12 pack and cigarettes. Its kinda like not littering when you want a cleaner neighborhood.

There are people in my real life I can turn to, Im grateful for that now. In the past I felt very alone in this world tho. Its not as easy as saying it was just a state of mind but in many ways it was. The same people I thought werent there then really were, I just didnt know how to reach them. I didnt know they too felt alone and isolated and sad sometimes cause I was just too scared to reach past my own walls to find out.

One thing I appreciate about online friendships is this ability to open up more quickly than in real life. Its taught me that Im not alone, that its ok to be down at times and it feels safer communicating with them this way. Slowly my confidence has built and I can talk with people in real life about less important things cause the important things can be covered here. I will continue to transfer my online confidence to the real world and one day I will be able to be completely open in the real world.

If youve ever had real life friendships you remember that it takes awhile for them to grow, that its touch and go in the beginning, that not every person turned out to be a close friend. Its harder when youre depressed. Any rejection feels total. Give yourself time tho.

[twiks]

I've been working a lot lately just to keep myself busy. I hate my job, but I hate sitting at home feeling like this more so I'd rather just go to work. Even though that hasn't even been helping lately, used to be able to keep myself busy enough there that I wouldn't think about all of this stuff, but it hasn't been working anymore. Plus it doesn't help when you get 3-4 co-workers coming up to every night to ask what's wrong with you because I haven't been acting like my "normal self" lately. But when I don't work extra I only work 4 days a week, which leaves me 3 days to sit at home alone.

I can't afford insurance through where I work because it's ridiculously over-priced. I can't even afford the monthly premium, then I'd have to pay a $5000 deductible before they will cover any expenses. Stupidest insurance plan I've ever seen in my life.

Alcohol doesn't really do that to me. I don't laugh or do anything stupid because I'm just sitting at home drinking it. I don't go out and do it.

I don't really have anyone in my life that I can turn to. Talked to my mom about it and she just doesn't get it. Just told me to get over it and get on with my life. The only person I've been able to talk to that was any help was my ex-wife. I don't know what made me tell her about any of it but we had a couple of really good conversations for a few days. But she has a new boyfriend now so anytime I try to talk to her I just get ignored or she acts like I'm bothering her. So I've just decided to leave her alone and quit trying to get help from her.

I've had real life friendships, but they were all with people that I met in elementary school. I had the same group of 5-10 friends from 2nd grade through graduation. I honestly don't think I've made a new friend in probably 15 years. But that group has all moved on with their lives. Married, kids, live on the other side of the country. All far too busy to do so much as return a phone call anymore. I had other "temporary friends" for the 5 years that I was married, but they all just put up with me because they were friends with my wife. Never heard from 1 of them after we split up.

I don't even know how to make friends anymore. It's easy when you're a kid, figured it still would be....it's not though. I've come to accept the fact that I'm going to be single for the rest of my life, I mean...I can't stand myself so why the hell would anyone else want anything to do with me? And honestly, being single for the rest of my life wouldn't bother me. Been that way for the majority of my life so far so it's not a big deal. I'd just like to have a friend. Never thought having 1 friend would be too much to ask for, but apparently it is.

[RJ78]

Hey twiks,

I don't know where you are, but I'm going to assume in the U.S. I live in Canada, so I don't know how things work in the U.S., but is there any way you can see a physician without paying any money? Like walking into a hospital somewhere and waiting in the emergency ward? If so, I'd suggest doing that and seeing about getting the proper medication and dosage, and seeing if the doctor has any samples or knows where you can get some.

Otherwise, can you join a depression support group in your area? I did in my city and it has been quite helpful.

The best way I've found for making friends has been by doing activities I enjoy...that way I meet some people who like doing what I like doing,so we have something in common, etc.

RJ

[twiks]

I'm in the US. There's no way that I know of to see a physician of any kind without paying. Emergency room visits cost 4x as much as a regular doctor visit.

I have no idea if there's a support group in my area. I'm sure there is because I live in a pretty big city (relatively speaking) but I have no idea where it would be or how to find out about it.

Right now there are no activities that I enjoy...
I used to be fairly active, biking, playing sports, reading, played video games (I know, reading and video games aren't being "active" just giving examples of stuff I used to enjoy) Nothing brings me any sort of happiness anymore...I try to read and I can't focus long enough to read 2 pages. It's too cold out for biking or basketball, but even if it wasn't I doubt that I could even motivate myself to go do it. Video games are the same way as books, don't hold my interest for more than 5-10 minutes.

[twiks]

I actually woke up today in a pretty good mood. No idea why, or what brought it on. Just had a pretty good feeling about the upcoming weekend. Felt like something was about to change, something good was going to happen me for once.

Then, I found out that the girl that I'm in love with want's nothing to do with me and never wants to see me again. My ex is taking my kids away from me during the week so I'll only see them 1-2 days a week versus seeing them 6-7 days like I do now. My kids have been pretty much the only thing getting me through my life for the last 3 months or so, so I don't know how I'm going to convince myself to even get up in the morning anymore.

So...I learned an important lesson. If I ever feel like it's going to be a good day, just turn around and go back to bed because only bad ***** is going to happen all day.

[adam_k]

Most hospitals will not refuse you because of your inability to pay. There are also some facility that are ran by the state and will treat people for a low cost or for free if they need. There are some anti-depressants that a really low cost. The first one i tried was prozac. My doctor prescribed it and it costs 4 dollars without any insurance at wal-mart.

There are some natural things you could try. I found working out helps lessen my depression. Eating better, fruits veggies. I would recommend trying to find something you enjoy. It may be difficult. Sometimes when I am depressed and I do things and I don't get any enjoyment out of it. The medical term for that is anhedonia.