What do you do when there's no light?

Hi everyone,

What is your experience - what do you do when there's no light or joy or hope day after day, for mos.? Feeling like giving up every day, but still making it thru the day.

Eating, exercising, sleeping doesn't help me. Of course therapy would be helpful possibly and I'd like to check that out - I don't have the ability to afford therapy nor do I find any free resources in my area, I've researched for months, and this leaves me more hopeless.

Since this is not an option and the moment, my question is more around - what do you personally do that you've found helpful?

Thanks everyone and take care - Grace

Hello Gracez, I can relate to you so much because what you write is so painfully true about me and so many people on PC. I must admit that excercise does help me but I DRAG myself out to do it. When I'm done I am so happy that I did make the effort. I am not in therapy either so I have to be my own therapist because you have to find something that gives you hope. There is always light at the end of the tunnel, it might only be a flicker of light but it is there. I'm sorry I have no words of wisdom for you, but maybe if you look at your years gone by, it might give you a glimmer into something that you liked when you were younger. Best Wishes. Don't give up.

Thanks Pierro, it means a lot to hear your reply. I dragged myself out to do exercise until about 2 weeks ago. It never made me feel better, but I did it anyway.

How are you going about being your own therapist? And how do you find the strength to do that?

I just can't find any of these glimmers or interest into anything, like you suggested, but I understand that advice.

Your reply was great, I know we don't necessarily have "the answer" for each other, but hearing from others' experience, and knowing that others are having that experience is very helpful.

I wish I could lend you a lot of light!

Thanks, Grace

Swam 5k and did spin class today. Almost puked. Didn't stop the thoughts from racing through my head. I'm reading all these CBT books about self-esteem and depression but nothing has clicked. Went to church last week and had lunch with a pastor yesterday but I don't have the willpower to take a leap of faith. At the end of the day, regardless of what you do, you have to come home at night and look at those dark-circled eyes in the mirror and not hate the thing staring back at you. I don't know the answer. I don't know anything. I am nothing.

"But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here"

Hey unhappycamper,

I know you are feeling terrible today, same as me, but I wanted to say I appreciate your posting a reply. That means a lot to me. I admire that you did all those things - I can't really get out to do things most of the time, so even though it didn't stop your thoughts or make you feel better I'm over here admiring it, and it's something because you did it. It stinks when the things you do that should be good for you like exercise or talking to your pastor don't make you feel better. And you still are on your own at the end of the day. I've pretty much stopped looking at different resources, a bit fed up with it because also nothing's clicked to help me feel better.

You're not nothing to me - you reached out to write a post back, and I'm grateful.

Hugs, Grace

Thanks Grace. I hope you're doing better. I think you might want to try taking caffeine to get it going. It will get you up for a little while and you can start building momentum on stuff like exercise (it's fairly cheap too coffee/soda/caffeine pills). I know it's bad to suggest drugs to people on a mental health forum but it's something to think about. It won't give you light at the end of the tunnel but getting out will distract you from thinking about the walls closing in (at least that's the theory).

Ya, thanks for that suggestion. I hope you're doing fine too. I'm the same but don't worry, it doesn't change much, i'm usually feeling pretty bad. I do drink coffee every day, a couple of cups, it doesn't do anything, but I like coffee and if I don't drink it that's not so good.

I try to keep busy. Regular exercises. Eye exercises. Hugging exercises. for it to become a routine. like laughing or smiling at yourself in the mirror(I just smile fixed number of times). having certain special dots in your home trying to associate a positive experience with it from your life. humming happy birthday to yourself 20X a day. and meditating every day(that's tough for me). all those add to positive path for me. when I am able to remember all of them and do them automatically, I will be pleased. progress is slow. I'm trying not to beat myself up over it. Take what you like and leave the rest behind.
If I am having a good day, I come to PC and try to answer a few posts the best I can.

Hi Gracez, I'm so sorry that you are feeling so bad. You are such a kind person I can tell!Do you find writing down your problems and posting them, does it help, I think it helped me. At the end of the day wheather you see a therapist or not they can only give you tools to overcome how you are feeling. I'm not saying therapists are no good they can be of great benefit. For example i have been having really bad thoughts for the last few months and my pdoc said when you are feeling really bad so bad you want to selfharm, he said to listen to music or go and look at your children as they are sleeping and that may take you away from the thoughts. Gracez, I hope, that you can relate to this in some way. Talk soon. Ill keep my eye out for you.

Hi all of you,

thanks for your suggestions. Unhappycamper, I forced myself to take a 1/2 hr walk this morning even though I didn't want to. I was taking walks & bike rides every day for 3 mos. but just stopped in the past few weeks. I never enjoyed it during those months, it didn't help. I do have a sort of routine but it doesn't really help me.Right now I've got about 4 hours till I have to go somewhere and will probably lay in bed. I'm so upset this afternoon and crying that I'm feeling nauseous.

Yes Pierrot, writing here in the past few days and reading others' posts has been helpful - to be reaching out this way and connecting. At the same time I'm in pain, I really wish I could take away others' pain who I'm meeting here. I care.

Thanks for your responses, and be in touch.

Grace

Stay active ANYWAY! it will help you in the long run. It will get you out of the house and around other people. Take walks. I volunteer at the local animal shelter because animals are almost always in a good moos when you give them attention. Help otherts. I make a list in the mornings of things I need to get done, whether I like it or not! Gives me goals!

Breathe.

Trying to find a wall.

Hi Gracez,
what I do is prepare.
when I am having a good day, I write it down, describe how it feels, acknowledge the fact that good days DO happen, and that they are nice.

Then, when I descend back into that pit of doom again, I reread what I had written. It may not necessarily 'cheer me up', but it helps to remind me that good days happen and that the next one could be right around the corner.

There are plenty of times when I can't seem to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm just not sure if my depression is a chemical imbalance or circumstantial. I tend to believe it's more circumstantial.

Funny thing is that in my life I am blessed with so much. I have a job when jobs are hard to get, money in the bank, great health, no crisis in my life, and a good place to live (with the exception of the neighbors!). And yet I feel like when it comes to my social life, I am extremely cursed. It seems like nothing I can do can improve it in any way. I have friends, but they seem like they are far away. They are not close to me when I need them to be. But I don't have much in friends anyways. As far as love is concerned, forget it! It's just never going to happen! Also, my family is very small and there's hardly any good contacts with them.

Even though things are going very well for me other than socially, I very often think about 'what would I do if any of the good things going for me now disolve'? I obsess over that a great deal. Especially if my health were to go.

Things I do -

Dwell on fond memories, try to remember the best experiences of my life.
Get a hug, cuddle, foot rub, massage, etc.
Check if I took my vitamin D if there is no sunshine.
(But a couple times it's been so bad sunshine didn't touch it.)
Exercise very intensely for 20 mins.
Browse the public library for a book to escape into.
Re-watch favourite comedy movie.
Listen to intense songs - eventually I often end up singing alone, which is cathartic.
Listen to birdsong, even on the internet if necessary.