[Lilac_M]

hi guys,
I'm 24 and I'm a little depressed... I have numerous problems that bug me and I'd like to have somebody to discuss them with. I would go to a therapist but I do not have the money and once I went for months and it didn't help me at all. the therapist even said once: why are you here? as if i didn't need him.. well.. i need somebody to help me!! I'll start with a random problem and we'll see how it goes.. my first problem is that i can't forget my past. I've been humiliated and made fun of so many times and i still remember them. It happened from grade school to high school then it stopped cause i started to use sarcasm to defend myself and to react, before i just cried. but outside i seemed stronger, inside I'm still terrified and scarred. i know normal people forget, but i can't.. everyday i feel bad for what they did to me, continuously. can you tell me what you think and what you think i could do? cause I've been trying to let it go but i can't...

[heartspace]

(((LM))) people can be so cruel. But we're works in progress: you are not the same person you were back then - you have developed and evolved. You are more mature, and believe it or not, stronger than you were then. Even back then you managed to defend yourself (valiantly, by the sounds of it). Whatever reason they taunted you for, you didn't deserve it, and believe me, it says more about them than it does about you, so don't buy into whatever they said to you. You're valuable, and you should be proud of yourself.
Tell us a few things about yourself that you like, your qualities ... and don't tell me you can't think of anything, ok?

[kimmydawn]

Hi, Lilac and welcome!

I'm sorry you're having a difficult time.

Our childhoods can affect our adult lived tremendously, especially with a continual and specific abuse... I'm so sorry that you suffered as a child.

Just because that first therapst didn't "get it", doesn't mean that there's not plenty out there that can help you. Also, money isn't an issue at local community mental health centers. Please call community services in your area and find the nearest community mental health center. I saw a beautiful and gifted therapist from one for years who helped me in ways that I couldn't imagine.

Until then, we're here and we're listening. Abuse hurts. Unresolved it snowballs in our lives as we grow.

KD

[jacq10]

(((((LM))))) I echo what heartspace just said. Whether you believe it or not you are a stronger person now then you were then, and you will keep growing as you continue to talk about your fears. You will never be able to forget what people have said to you, it is in the past and you can't change it. But what you can change is how you feel about it, and you can control what you are going to do (emotionally) about it in the future. You have came to a very good place. I just saw you on chat and tried to come on but my computer is not letting me for some reason! grrr! ... but please feel free to message me if you want.

take care

[Lilac_M]

wel.. firt off, details. I've been made fun of 'cause i was fat, and 'cause i was good at school. In grade school i was one year younger but better than the others, growing up i became more average, but still in the top 2-3 of the class up until high school. I never got admired for it, instead everybody hated me for it. I didn't show off, i swear.. i d0nt get it.. as for fat.. well it was and it is true, so no wonder they made fun of me. Somebody told me that since everybody has been made fun of, that i should just accept it.. i have no clue how to do it.. these memories are so vivid, i can recall everything.. and just a few days ago i've been told that I myself made fun of somebody too in grade school.. this made me feel even worse. I was so dumb that i did to others what made me feel like %#@&#!? i'm horrible, i feel worse knowing this and i0'm angry 'cause i feel that y brain is only keeping the victim stuff.. how come i don't recall about me teasing someone but i perfectly recall all of my classmates running down the hill singing a made up siong "roll, roll, roooooolll"... to me? this isn't fair and i feel weak and stupid.

Second, details about what changed.. i didn't actually learn to defend myself, but i became more popular and funny beacuse i got addicted to sarcasm. i started making jjokes about me before others so tat they hadn't anything left to say. this doesn't feel healthy to me, but desperate. I still feel like an animal trapped when many people make jokes about me (it happened a week ago or so at work during a cofee break), even if they are not so cruel. i shake and sweat and even if i try to break it ora void it with sarcasm, i think back and panick inside.

third, about me now.. as i said, i don't feel like i've changed much. i still feel weak. Even if it's somebody who i judge to be not "worthy", if he/she thinks bad about me or makes fun of me, i feel so bad. I'm scared and I feel guilty as if they were right.. and i don't feel like I'm so good, in fact I'm still fat and i don't even try to change.. for example.

thanks very much for replying, as for free therapy.. i live in italy and i'm not sure there are such centers here..

[heartspace]

Hmmm I wonder if you're "fat" or if you just feel that way. Even if you're overweight, it's no excuse for them to tease you. I suspect it was due to your superior academic performance that they targeted you. I believe you when you say you didn't show off: you wouldn't need to ... they'd have realised you were smart. As for them making up that stupid, nasty song ... I am unimpressed. That's cruel beyond words, and I'm appalled by what children can do to each other.
I can appreciate that you felt weak, but you aren't weak. You are strong to have withstood their cruelty, and you're strong by coming here and reaching out to others for support.
That sarcastic way of putting yourself down, well if you're doing it to get in before they do, then yes, that's sad. but it can also show a healthy sense of self-esteem, like saying"I don't take myself too seriously". but, as you said, if it's a defence mechanism, then it is sad that you feel the need to do it, but shows how adaptive you were to have developed that capacity to deflect their cruelty before they even start!
And why should you feel that you should lose weight? Even if you're larger, people come in all shapes and sizes. You sound like a nice, intelligent person, and that's waaaaay more important than your size.
I'm glad you found us.

ps of course you will feel weak when people trigger horrible events that happened to you as a child: you'll feel the same way you did back then ... that's why I suggested you think of a few things about yourself that you like, so when you're feeling weak and vulnerable, you can remind yourself that you are strong, intelligent, sensitive, etc. Reinforce those positive qualities, rather than the ones that you feel people are seeing in you.

[Lilac_M]

am i fat? well... i'm 183 cm and 105 kg. Yes, I am. I forgo to tell I'm not only fat, but also incredibly tall and I always scared everybody.. everyone's favourite line was "don't hurt me!" as in "i forgot to bring you this or that, don't hurt me!" or "don't kill me!".. and i remember feeeling angry 'cause I'm not at all aggressive phisically, i'm just BIG! Huge! and i felt like everythign i did or said got affected by that.. but that's not a big problem 'cause i sort of accepted that i was born with a huge body, i started getting fat when i was 5 and never stopped. I didn't accept how other reacted to it. bad me.
As for the advice, I feel like you are right iun telling me to cheer myself up by saying i'm good at this or that, i have positive qualities. I feel like you are right, but it doesn't work with me.. ow am i a pain in the arse or what? I mean, let's talk about school. Yes, I've done very good in school. So what, you know? It olny brought me bad things, and I wasn't interested in being good! I am grateful school wasn't hard as i saw was for some of my calssmates, I feel lucky, but not happy.. who cares about schoolmarks? I'd be happy if I was great at something.. and btw i wasn't great at school, somebody was always better so no big success there either. I got average.
as for not losing weight, i know people are all kinds, but sometimes i feel like i'd like to be thin.. and then i don't act on the wish. So i feel bad.
<>>may be TRIGGERING PART for eating disorders please skip<<<>>>>
Personally i don't like body fat. I think it's ugly. I would be much prettier if i was thinner. i'm not saying kate moss, just slender. but it stays a wish and i don't feel like i'm fat cause i accepted myself to be like that, only because it's easier to stay that way. It's wrong. (see why i'm not good at the self reassuring thing? I'm bad! I'm lazy!)
And talking about other issues.. right now I feel so bad that i'm "wasting" your time 'cause i reckon other people are in more trouble than me, but still i'm writing cause i'm sick of crying and i really need this so if i'm hogging the forum please forgive me. I feel like I'm a burden... and then I feel guilty 'cause I feel a burden.. owww I'm stuck! Stuck in a negative cycle.

Thanks again for reading answering ect, love you already for this

[heartspace]

At your height, I reckon you're not fat. You sound like a statuesque Amazon, and I'm disappointed that instead of being impressed by your physique, the children at school teased you.
You're not being a pain by saying that what I am saying sounds right but doesn't work. I hope I didn't sound flippant suggesting you try to cheer yourself up by reminding yourself of your positive qualities. Sometimes that can work, but when you're feeling horrid, you just can't believe anything valuable about yourself at all, even if it's obvious to everybody else that you have marvelous qualities. I understand how you're feeling.
It's understandable for you to want to be different, for example, slimmer, but I disagree that you're lazy because you haven't lost weight. It's hard to do - easy to decide that you want to do, but not necessarily easy to do. You're being way too harsh on yourself.
Regarding being great at something - call me silly, but I believe that everybody has something that they excell at .. it's just a matter of finding out what that is, and that can be time consuming and difficult to discover.
Lilac, you're not hogging the forum at all, you're not a burden, and you're certainly not wasting my time.
I know how it feels to be stuck in a negative cycle - it's no fun, that's for sure.

[Lilac_M]

..i don't mean to be obsessed but..i am fat. I would be slender with a weigth of 80kg. I have rolls of fat around my waist, large upper legs and I'm starting to gain fat elsewhere. I used to be little fat, up until let's say 2001, but then i got worse, and recently i don't know why i got really worse by gaining 10 kg in one year. Anyway i just wanted to say i have many disorders, but i'm not bulimic or anorexic.. i really am fat.. i don't see myself fat!!

[heartspace]

Lilac, you don't sound obsessed. I apologize if it sounded as if I was dismissing your concerns about your weight. I'll accept you calling yourself overweight, or large, but I have an objection to the term "fat" as it is often used in a derogatory fashion.
I also apologize if I gave you the impression I thought you were bulimic or anorexic. I was trying to help you feel better about the way you look, but I was rather clumsy in the way I went about it.
Anyway, if you want to talk, I'm here for you.
(((Lilac)))

[Lilac_M]

don't worry at all, i just wanted to clarify things, but i didn't feel offended at all, i didn't feel like you implied anything. it's really ok. I also wanted to tell you guys that I might be away from the forum sometimes, i have a dial-up connection and a demanding life I opened a blog here at PC to list all my "issues" there, rather than opening new threads again and again, and to have a single place to look at them, if you want to comment them you're very welcome.
By the way, terms are not a problem with me, since english is not my language! Nothing in english shocks me even if i know what it means, i have this natural filter so.. that's why fat is just.. fat. Which it is, and i am. the reason i am large is that i have fat accumulated, nothing more nothing less, you know? i don't get sad by saying it. it's ok.

PS my blog here at PC

[heartspace]

Thanks for clarifying Lilac. I'd hate to say something insensitive or offensive.
Hope you're having a good day today. I won't be here long, but will check out your blog when I get back and have more time.
Take care!

[tita]

Hi My Name is Crista Ive been in the hosp. for the last week.I read Your post.
Welcome to Psych Central.
this is a great place to come to.
pm me any time I'm on late at nite (after 12am)
Tita