[akekaomen]

So I am getting written off by my treatment team. I’ve made it clear I don’t have the strength to keep up the willpower to use the skills I’m supposed to in order to function. I’m finding concentrating at work hard. I’m just waiting for them to find out how hard things are for me and then fire me. I can barely handle my commute to work now. People at work don’t talk to me and I don’t feel like talking to them, so I’m really lonely.

My psychiatrist has told me that there’s nothing more that can be done with medication. I’m on a combo of two anti-depressants, anti-psychotic and anti-anxiety meds. Not much room for changes with these. So she says it’s about therapy.

I go to my therapist and say I can’t handle psychodynamic BS anymore and need help. He hands me cognitive behavioral info photocopies all of which I’ve used and know, but don’t have the willpower to keep up all the time. Now he’s saying it’s probably worth for me to look into disability. But I can’t afford to be on disability even if I qualified. I have 2 kids and a wife. I’m the only one with an income. If I could get on disability, I’d have to move to another apartment, my kids would lose a lot and I couldn’t pay off my debts (I have a lot of credit card debt and student loans because of the depression over the years).
My wife isn’t all that supportive at this point as far as I’m concerned. I think she just wants me to get over this and go to work like the rest of the world. The problem is I don’t think the rest of the world wants to throw themselves in front of the train every day. I have constant obsessive thoughts about hurting myself, but I don’t want to die. I just don’t want the pain of work anymore.

I’ve already checked on disability anyway and I don’t qualify because I can still show up for work and make money. So basically my therapist is giving up too because I’m at my breaking point and there’s nothing they can do for me. It’s pretty hopeless feeling. I couldn’t get to work on Monday and now I’m struggling as always to finish the day. I want to lash out, but I can’t afford to lose my job. I want to be angry, but I have to pretend to be happy. I want to not live, but I don’t want to die. If I go to a hospital, my family will be out any income because I don’t have enough time off. They would have to get by without a paycheck for at least a few weeks. We barely get by as it is, so that’s not an option. I won’t go to a hospital. Also the only hospital my insurance company will pay for is an hour away from my home, so my family wouldn’t be able to visit.

How do people do this? How do people live and work? Am I really that weak and worthless? I’m just not as strong at using skills as I used to be. It’s tiring and I’m getting older and tired. I now am angry at my wife for even hesitating about the idea of me going on disability. I needed her to say that we’d find a way to make it work. She and I both know we can’t.

[Leed]

Hi ~ Bless your heart. I'm sorry you're struggling so. Your psychiatrist isn't very understanding as far as I'm concerned. Can you switch to someone else?
And the same with your therapist -- how about changing to someone else? I think you need more THERAPY, not just having someone hand you a bunch of stuff to read!!!

You could probably get on disability, but like you said your income would probably drop considerably. Could your WIFE go to work? And if not, WHY not? You would be there for the children if you got on disability. So that wouldn't be a problem. Does she just not WANT to work?

If I were you, I would apply for disability and see what happens. Then see about having your wife go to work. If she's able-bodied, there's no reason why she couldn't get a job doing something. And like I said, you'd be there for the kids.

I wish you the very best. Please take care of YOU and God bless. Hugs, Lee

[adam_k]

Depression is very taxing to deal with. It completely drains you. I find sometimes I just have to live in the moment to cope. I go to work, but some music on and try my best not to think about how depressed I feel. I tend to break things down into small parts at work and try my best to set goals and accomplish them. It takes a lot of energy to put on a mask at worn and pretend like I don't want to just end it all, but I need to work otherwise I will lose my house. I just have to think about things like that sometimes. I feel like I don't want to get out of bed, but I have to or things get worse.

Maybe your therapist isn't working for you, possible another one would help you. I haven't had much success with meds myself. I still trying to find something that works.

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by akekaomen

I’m finding concentrating at work hard. ... I’m on a combo of two anti-depressants, anti-psychotic and anti-anxiety meds.

I'm not surprised you are finding concentration difficult.

Have you considered talking to counselors who are not psych types (e.g. financial, vocational, legal)? It's possible they might have insights into your situation that would never enter the minds of the folks with whom you usually deal.

Seeing the looming crash is horrible.

[Pierro]

I agree with leed. IF it's only a matter of time before you go on disability, you may as well apply for it now. I dont mean to be harsh but I know how hard it is to work and have a mental illness and not to mention all the other day to day errands to do. You have to look after yourself and maybe your wife could get a job. So what if you had to move to a smaller apartment, if she loves you she would understand. I burned myself out a few months ago thinking it would get better, but it got worse until I ended up in hospital. I know how you feel. Please look after yourself for your kids sake and your wife's. Best wishes to you.

[happy 2 b here]

Hi

I, too, feel you need to take care of yourself. I can read how worried you are about your family, and thinking of yourself at a time likes this seems unimaginable, right?

You need and deserve treatment and support. I have heard that it can take a long time to come up with the right combination of medication for some people. Do you think that you could keep on trying -- although you are taking meds now, maybe there is still room for improvement, right?

Don't give up -- I know how tiring it is to do battle with depression and anxiety every waking moment. I have lived with my depression/anxiety for 45 years. I am currently taking 150g of effexor every day, welbutrin and alprazolam. I am doing much better since doubling the effexor

Keep on trying -- you are worth it

[bharani1008]

I'm so sorry you are suffering so much. You don't seem to get much support. We are here for you to talk to and give you support. There are people who have had a lot of experience and they can advise you so ask your questions. Probably someone will have an idea how to proceed.
I agree with everyone else that you should try to change your dr. and therapist.
You can only give what you have already so it's not selfish to look after yourself.
I hope you get the help you need.
Keep posting

[akekaomen]

I finally realized how appalling it is to have a therapist basically act like he's giving up on me rather than working through my symptoms and trying to find positives I can work with to help me cope. I called yesterday and told him I want a different therapist in the group ASAP and I don't want to talk to him again.

My psychiatrist is now going on maternity leave until January, so I guess I'll work with the covering physician to see if he's willing to take the chance of mixing up my meds again. I've tried a lot of different things, but I'm sure there are other combos I could try. I guess they are all afraid to be the ones to cause me to fall apart, so they let me just fall apart on my own.

we can't afford disability until it's inevitable. I need help believing in myself and finding the positives. For example, I went 4 weeks prior to monday not taking a full day off. That's amazing for me, so that means taking one day is not a sign of failure. I need a therapist who can help me see these things before I get so bad that I break. I'm still worried about my abilities at work, but they don't seem to be concerned yet. I don't want to face the day and I hate the thought of dealing with the people/politics at work right now, but I've got to try to distract myself when it's bad if I can.

[akekaomen]

I lost my nerve to talk with the practice manager. Too much axiety for me to go over the problem with my current therapist. It was probably my fault for over reacting, so I just left a message that I will keep up with my current therapist.

I figure this is as good as it gets for me. It is my fault for not functioning well with depression because others who face far worse can handle it. I will endure as long as I am able.

Well, Akekaomen, I hope you will definitely go over your thoughts to us with your therapist. That person needs to know what you are really going through, and she (or he) needs to try to help you find the positive in life.

In my view, having suffered depression in my life, I think that changes in your diet might be helpful for you to continue to function at a steady level.

Please ask yourself the following questions:

1. Do you use alcohol to relieve stress? If so, please stop using it because it makes
depression worse.

2. Do you drink coffee, tea, or eat anything with chocolate in it? If you think you may have any sensitivity to those things, you should remove them from your diet, because
they have a negative influence on depression. Drink water. That's best for you.

3. Look at your diet next: ask your wife to do some "home cooking" for you! Get
more fresh vegetables, salads (have a fresh salad daily, please)more fruit, and less
red meat in your diet. Eat more fish and consider taking an Omega 3 fatty acid if you would. It is known that it helps the brain function.

If you just be gentle with yourself and take it slowly, making the most apparent change in your diet that you need to make, you will find yourself feeling better and having much more energy and sleep well at night.

The last thing I would ask you to do is to remove as much sugar as you can from your diet because it makes the emotions like a yo-yo! You will feel calmer, less stressed,
more at ease than you have in a long time if you can manage to cut way back on that.

This is really a matter of being what I call pro-active in our care. Eventually, it may
enable you to cut back on some of your meds (with psychiatrist's approval) because
they all are acidic in digestion. It is desirable to keep more alkaline foods in the diet
than acidic-reacting ones.

I hope this helps somewhat. I am so sorry to see you go through this. Any and everything you can do to help is important.

(Tell your wife to move over to your side and help with positive thinking and planning
good, home-cooked meals for the family.)

Take care of yourself and good wishes,

[Fuzzybear]

[Vossie42]

[quote=akekaomen;3035124] My psychiatrist has told me that there’s nothing more that can be done with medication. I’m on a combo of two anti-depressants, anti-psychotic and anti-anxiety meds. Not much room for changes with these. So she says it’s about therapy.

Wow, you've got a lot going on! Can you take one week off? Or several days in a row off just to catch a breather? I realize that may not be possible. It just sounds like you could use a bit of rest. Yikes!

As for the psychiatrist, that's all SHE can do. A different doctor could very well do better. That's what happened to me. My nurse practitioner said I was out of options and to consider disability. I went to a psychiatrist who turned out to be flat-out crazy. The second psychiatrist worked out very well. He lowered the dose of the anti-psychotic, switched from the extended release version to the regular version of an anti-depressant and added a 2nd anti-depressant. I take anti-anxiety meds as needed. At the next visit, he kept the same meds but changed the dosages a little.

Maybe you need different meds or different dosages of the meds you're on. I encourage you to see a different psychiatrist.

As for your therapist, does s/he help you go through the cognitive therapy exercises during your sessions? These sessions are for you. You control what happens in them. You can tell your therapist what you want to do for that session.

Keep us posted. We're rooting for you!

[akekaomen]

Right now I honestly feel like everyone thinks I'm making up the pain I feel. I get through the day in a lot of pain. I still get through the day somehow. I don't get any credit for how hard it is for me. I guess it's not really that hard and I'm just weak willed.

My daughter tried to cut herself the other day and told us yesterday. I stayed home from work to be able to hang out with her (she's 13) after her short day of school. I don't think she'll do it again, but we have to keep our knives hidden and medication in a lock box.

I just asked for a week off from work and I'm feeling guilty about it. I will end up having to take 2 days unpaid during the week off, but I figure I should try to get a week where I'm not miserable all the time. Now I have to face people at work still and I can't. I hate them all. They all like working and even come in to stay late. I hate them all and want to yell at them. They make me sick to look at them. But I will fake it somehow. A week off won't help much I don't think, but I have no choice. I'm the only one making money, so if I can't get through work, we will lose everything. Nobody cares about my feelings because everyone else can cope just fine. I hate everyone right now.

You might ask your psychiatrist about electric shock treatment. My understanding is
that you go into the hospital, an iv is started, you are placed under sedation, are given
an electric shock controlled by the doctor (only the toes move) and then awaken in
the recovery room. You are released the same day with possibly a mild headache and
are considered fine.

I just read a thread on the bipolar forum that medications for depression are 30 % effective; shock treatments are 80% effective. It might be worth investigating since you have such strong negative feelings about almost everything in your life and feel that you cannot carry the burden of responsibility for much longer with things as they are.

Good wishes on whatever you decide to do.

[bharani1008]

Originally Posted by akekaomen

Right now I honestly feel like everyone thinks I'm making up the pain I feel. I get through the day in a lot of pain. I still get through the day somehow. I don't get any credit for how hard it is for me. I guess it's not really that hard and I'm just weak willed.

My daughter tried to cut herself the other day and told us yesterday. I stayed home from work to be able to hang out with her (she's 13) after her short day of school. I don't think she'll do it again, but we have to keep our knives hidden and medication in a lock box.

I just asked for a week off from work and I'm feeling guilty about it. I will end up having to take 2 days unpaid during the week off, but I figure I should try to get a week where I'm not miserable all the time. Now I have to face people at work still and I can't. I hate them all. They all like working and even come in to stay late. I hate them all and want to yell at them. They make me sick to look at them. But I will fake it somehow. A week off won't help much I don't think, but I have no choice. I'm the only one making money, so if I can't get through work, we will lose everything. Nobody cares about my feelings because everyone else can cope just fine. I hate everyone right now.

First!!! You have a disease called depression. It is real. It is serious. Most people with this disease need help to cope with it. It has nothing to do with will power or strength. It is treatable and needs to be approached just as if it were any other disease such as heart disease or lupus. In my case I can just about guarantee that my depression is 85% genetic. Both mom and dad had to be treated. So do I kick myself around for my DNA? No. So please give yourself a break. Depression isn't who you are.
You sound like a loving caring person. That's who you are.
I hope you get the help you need.