[lindammarie]

Originally Posted by gracez

can't deal. wish i could stay unconscious. back to crying in bed

I had a rough morning this morning, but I'm pulling out of it. On the way to work, though, while I was crying about me, I thought of you. I know you are having such a hard time right now. Are you able to make yourself go outside? It might do you some good. If the thought of it is too much, take a timer with you and promise yourself you only have to stay 5 minutes. And in the 5 minutes, find something -- a piece of grass, an insect -- to watch. Let us know what you see. I betcha it'll be an exercise that benefits you & others...

Hang in there!

[lindammarie]

Originally Posted by phaset

Today started off ok. This morning I had an appointment with my therapist who I am getting more comfortable with. I'm back to feeling crappy this afternoon.

One of the first times I posted here I said that my symptoms were puzzle pieces. I'm starting to realize I am missing pieces too. I feel like there is something major missing in my life. It's a secret and no one will tell me what it is.

What could it be? Something in or during your childhood? Something you've hidden?

[lindammarie]

Originally Posted by nicolerose

i feel really low today, i dont even know whats wrong
i woke this morning around 5 or 6, i checked my email, then slept until 10am.
i woke up, checked my emails, went to eat

then i went to a class, i enjoyed it but i dont have any other friends in the class so after it was done i felt depressed again. and sometimes in the class i couldnt concentrate because i felt depressed about life.

then after i didnt do much, i sat around for a while, i tried to write in a journal but i couldnt focus, i only got through about 2 small pages, its only a small notebook, for about 15 minutes, sometimes i can write about over an hour or two.

then i reconnected with an old friend, that i was happy about, at least over text, because shes in another country.

then i went to get dinner, i sat by myself and it made me depressed to see everyone else with their friends and laughing. then i went back to my room, checked my emails and now im writing this.

Sounds like you're lonely. I'm lonely, too... Hope we both can find a way to not feel so isolated...

[herethennow]

getting more frustrated with myself as the day goes on. why can't i just be happy...

why is there this heavy weight on my shoulders.. why does everything just feel like an empty vacuum..

[Harmacy]

Originally Posted by nicolerose

then i went to get dinner, i sat by myself and it made me depressed to see everyone else with their friends and laughing. then i went back to my room, checked my emails and now im writing this.

Hang on in there. It sounds like you're persevering without much support at the moment so you should be proud of yourself and remember that things will improve.

[gracez]

Thanks, Lindamarie, so kind. I'm glad to hear you're pulling out of it. I'm also always thinking of people on PC thru the day.

It's way too hot to go outside where I'm living, up to 115 some days I've done this kind of exercise though, making myself go look around at the sky, a tree or a flower, to try to notice something beautiful or interesting. But nothing comes, no good feeling.

I woke up this morning too early, not enough sleep but somehow dozed off again which was good. Got out of bed just now at noon.I'm glad at least a portion of the day is gone and I have less to sit thru. When I woke up at 5:30am I was screaming inside, not out loud because I don't want to disturb neighbors. It's terrible to wake up screaming / unhappy and think oh no I have to go thru a day. What a welcome relief to fall to sleep.

[ba.ll.oo.n]

I should go see my pdoc tomorrow. I've already rescheduled once but honestly, I don't really want to go. It's just pointless. When you finally seem to be getting better, there's always something to push you back down. Repeat 'till you can be excused by natural death. Yeah, thanks. I don't want to be alive but I'm not suicidal either. Will we ever find out what it's like to be glad to be alive?

[Turtleboy]

my mood is good today although i did break a toe yesterday, so silly i shouldn't be running to the bathroom

[Starla Dear]

Originally Posted by Turtleboy

my mood is good today although i did break a toe yesterday, so silly i shouldn't be running to the bathroom

Ouch! I'm sorry to hear that.

[Starla Dear]

Today I'm feeling really frustrated. I just turned in my third rewrite for a freelance writing gig, and I'm just waiting to hear back about how I once again missed the mark. I know rewrites are part of the process, but I can't help but get angry with myself that I didn't get it perfect the first time. The negative self-talk is keeping me from being able to concentrate on another project. I just want to tell my brain to shut up.

[Clara22]

hi Starla Dear,
I feel the same about piles of work I have pending, I am missing deadlines and I feel so upset about it. i am trying to follow advice I have read here, trying to divide the work in smaller pieces, having less ambitious goals. Today, I got help from some colleagues overseas to do some paperwork, I felt so well, and that the same time, I saw that I worry too much sometimes.
I wish the negative self talk will diminish soon for you

my ups: i was happy that i woke up feeling pretty good. I was able to do my hours at the library for volunteer.
my downs: At the library, nobody showed up to my desk when I was there. I felt like life does not want me to succeed. I did not go there to have a chill time. I went there to work and if i'm not feeling productive, then I don't think I should get credit for it. But then what happens if it constantly happens, am i going to have to grumble about it? Absolutely not. I'm just going to be like,"Okay, I know it's routine, but let's just get through with it, okay?"

By the way I was doing volunteer work trying to make sure that people signed up for reading so that they could win prizes for their reading. all they have to do was read five books and fill up the spaces provided for each book. Nobody showed up when i was there and when one girl did, i told her it was only for teens and then she left because she was supposed to be in the children's side asking for books. The children's side is filled with many little kids reading comic books and stuff like that. What happened to the teens'? As you get older, you don't want to read because it seems endlessly tedious.

[LilyInHerHand]

Ups: My financial aid for my last semester of college finally came through and now I only have to wait for it to be disbursed. My mother had a risky surgery today and it ended up going really well! Also, my fiance is being super secretive with a surprise and told me to be really excited for it because it is something good. Can't wait!
Downs: I am generally exhausted and fatigued. At my internship, my supervisor pulled me aside and told me that I am too scared of a person (even though I am not scared whatsoever, I'm just quite and she takes it as being scared) to make it in the field. She told me that I do not try hard enough to work outside of my comfort zone, even though she over books me for appointments so I have no time to even do anything, let alone take on extra tasks. It was really frustrating and definitely killed any confidence I may have had. I can't wait to finish my internship. I really dislike it..

[shortandcute]

I'm still in some pain today; I feel really old and creeky. Anxiety was a bit up today. I have one more appointment with my SS lawyer in about 3 weeks, then about 5 weeks after that is when I have my hearing. I'm kinda relieved, but at the same time, I'm scared to death.

I had to go to work today because I was not able to get a hold of someone that could have filled in for me. I felt like crap both physically and mentally because I did not sleep well last night. I could not sleep well because I was in utter pain after my workout when I through my back out. I through my back out because I got distracted while working out.

I did go to work and was in pain, but it subsided as the day wore on. I treated myself at downtimes and it did me well. By the afternoon the pain seemed to have vanished, so that was great. On top of that, it seemed like it was a pretty good day at work.

Went for a bike ride after work for an hour. I thought that I would be hurting, but I didn't. In fact, it probably helped it. However at one intersection that I had to stop at because of the traffic lights, the light turned green and someone on the other street had run a red light. So he hit a car right in front of me! I didn't see it coming until it happened because I was looking straight ahead. No injuries (thank God!) though.

Went to do a little swimming after dinner. It was nice and cool. Felt better. No pain at all now! I get a feeling that I should get a good night's sleep for the first time in three days.

[nicolerose]

i woke up around 10 am, surf online a bit, ate lunch and sat by myself.
spent the afternoon online and worrying about various things.
then i got an email that ive been waiting for since the weekend
then i just lay around on my bed and did nothing for a couple hours
i went on an online chat room, and talked to someone about a guy that i love (but that has a gf and he has no idea that i like him), about the thoughts that ive had about this guy
then i ate dinner by myself
then i went back home, and browsed online again
i looked around at a couple clips on youtube that were supposed to be funny but it didnt really help
there were several hours today where i was just lying on my bed and i felt like there isnt much purpose to my life

[Mc7donald]

Hopefully I'm able to improve enough by then to actually enjoy my time on vacation. Time will tell, I suppose.

[tigerlily84]

Yesterday was a good day. This morning... well we'll see I guess.

I woke up today with a pain in my ankle... almost as if I twisted it. But I was fine up until this morning, so I don't understand. It hurts to put weight on it. And even when I'm sitting it aches. Weird, right? :/

EDIT: I think that I sprained it. I used to run a lot so I've had sprained ankles in the past. The pain is manageable, but I don't walk so much as hobble. I might go to the doctor, but it's too much money to deal with right now. I think I'll just ice it and rest today.

[Clara22]

i am still sick, slowly recovering, think it is because I have to get out of bed to take care of my mom often; my brother is not helping much but at least he is now cooking his own meals and trying not to make a lot of disorder downstairs, where my mom and I live, this is good

[tokiwartooth]

Being on business travel for two weeks and then coming back makes for a busy start to the week!

[herethennow]

Empty. Just wanna crawl into a hole where no one can disturb me and cry. I dont wanna get out of the hole either.. dont even wanna meet my T this week. Dont feel like continuing job search. No point to it. No point when all i feel is emptiness.

Sent from my crazy phone using Tapatalk 2

[gracez]

I got out of bed at 11am, for one hour. But there's no point. Back in

[Bark]

Got the final grade for the course I took last semester: 87! I am happy with that. My instructor was so nice and gave me so much time to get those papers in. Last semester was one of the worst points in my life (multiple trips to the ER, going inpatient twice), but I managed. And now things are better.

Still not sure if my irritability is partly due to my medication, but I need to deal with things better. Especially with exploding at my sister. I'm going to be seeing my psychologist and psychiatrist next week, so we'll see about meds and coping skills and all that.

A relative of mine is in hospital; I don't know what could be worse than being fully conscious and stuck in a body that doesn't listen to you. She's going in for surgery tomorrow... trying to make her comfortable before the inevitable end. She probably won't make it to see the new year.

[tigerlily84]

Bark, I'm so sorry to hear about your relative in the hospital. I'll be thinking of you and your family.

Very glad to hear about your grade. Trust me when I tell you that you are smart and resilient and determined to make things better. You inspire me. Please be kind and gentle towards yourself.

[tigerlily84]

Down today.

I didn't go to work due to my ankle, and honestly I probably should have gone. The pain cleared up by 10am. Ah well.

Today is my last appointment with my therapist. The one therapist that I have ever been able to talk to. So at least I know why I am down today. That's half the battle. I just wish I didn't feel so empty.