[Grey Matter]

I've never hated myself more than I do now.

[tokiwartooth]

I have pneumonia and I've been out since Friday, and I still feel like hell but I'm back because I can't stand to be cooped up in my apartment any longer.

[Bark]

Lost my post. Maybe that's a good thing. In summary: I'm a horrible, mean, lazy, stupid person. My sister has a problem, and I blow up at her and make her cry. I try to help, but I shouldn't, because I screw things up. I should stop taking my pills so I stop artificially making my mood better.

Maybe that was a bit longer than a summary.

[NJBlues]

Out of psych hospital 10 days now, on & then off of Viibryd, on Lexapro now (5 mg). Still feeling pretty crappy, attending outpatient group, don't know if it's helping.

UPS
Talked thru some things with my ex
Downs
My finances are a wreck. I need a ticket to the redneck retirement fund :-))

[lindammarie]

Originally Posted by Rachel.i

Some of my family, especially my narcissist oldest sister, who was given two houses by my parents (I got zip), make fun of my 1150-sq foot ranch house. We bought it all on our own, and it's paid for. We could get a much nicer house, but with the stress of a huge mortgage. And I don't care about having a big fancy house. Time is short, and there are so many more important things. If you've never had to deal with a Narcissist/Psychopath, thank goodness. My oldest sister - ok, I said brother before, in hopes my family wouldn't find my entries here - but I'm starting not to care - controls my family-of-origin. She heaps on abuse atop of abuse (trying to outdo my father ?) Done, so done with my father & my oldest sister's covert/overt abuse. I won't survive otherwise.

When I can pull it off, not caring what my family thinks works the best! My daughter started throwing her career in my face, to prove that my opinions were somehow less valid. Usually I take it, but this last time I countered her bragging. She blew up, but I decided I'm not going to care. If it had not been for ME, she would have never even been able to get the education she had. Additionally, her dad & I spent a fortune (that we didn't have) on it.

Families can be the worst -- and even when they're not, they always hurt us worse than anyone else can!

[lindammarie]

Originally Posted by Bark

Lost my post. Maybe that's a good thing. In summary: I'm a horrible, mean, lazy, stupid person. My sister has a problem, and I blow up at her and make her cry. I try to help, but I shouldn't, because I screw things up. I should stop taking my pills so I stop artificially making my mood better.

Maybe that was a bit longer than a summary.

I'm pretty sure it's not all you.... (((((Bark)))))

Hang in there!

[lindammarie]

Saw psychiatrist today. He wan't to know why so depressed...

Really?

He's not my therapist, so I just told him some of the crappy stuff that's been happening in my life. At one point I mentioned my Daddy & my aunt. I actually enjoyed the walk down memory lane.

Refilled meds. That's pretty much all he's there for, but he's also been there for me when I needed him. Once he even stood up to my family members who thought I was being unreasonable.

[tigerlily84]

I just read about Leed. I am sad. I wish I could express myself a bit better.

Tomorrow I have an interview for a team lead position at work. We'll see how it goes. I decided that if I don't get it, it's not the end of the world. Besides, I found another job posting at a nearby community college that pays twice what I make now. I already have asked for recommendation letters to submit along with the application. Why not give it a shot?

Sending ((hugs)) to everyone. I don't have the energy to respond to the posts right now. I'm sorry.

[tigersassy]

So tired of work. Standing up for myself has black listed me. Triggered pretty bad today because of it. Fml.

[NJBlues]

I'm on leave from work but due to go back in a couple of weeks. I am not ready, I'm worried I won't be sorted out by then. I can extend the leave if I get a doctor's note, but at some point I will have to go back. Anyone have any advice about transitioning back to work when you're still depressed & not 100% better?

[online user]

Originally Posted by NJBlues

I'm on leave from work but due to go back in a couple of weeks. I am not ready, I'm worried I won't be sorted out by then. I can extend the leave if I get a doctor's note, but at some point I will have to go back. Anyone have any advice about transitioning back to work when you're still depressed & not 100% better?

Ever go back to work after taking off for a bad cold? You probably went back before you were 100 percent healed, didn't you? So, tell yourself it's OK to go back before your depressive issues are fully resolved, too.

Just take it a day at a time. Put one foot in front of the other. Breathe in and out--be good to yourself. Maybe break it down even further--"I'll just work on this one report and then it will be lunch time and I can rest." "I'll read this mail now and that will take me till 3:00." Little bits of work might be easier than facing a whole week or even a full day of things to do. And, the little bits add up till you are done.

If you have some meals prepared ahead in the freezer, when you go back, you'll be able to come home, nuke something to eat, and rest for the evening. That will help too. If all your clothes are laundered and ready to wear, that will make things easier.

Focus on "I'll be able to get through this." Expect to be able to handle it. Then you most likely will. But get the note and extend your leave if you truly aren't ready to do this much.

Susan

I am sorting things out and on the one hand I have figured out how to deal with my past and an effective plan for reconciliation with my ex...I mean its doable for us both.
But she has pretty much drawn that line in the sand and I am on one side and she on the other.
There are pros and cons to both senarios (get back together or stay apart and divorce) but overall "I" think we will be better off in the long run getting back together and working out the pain and the issues but she disagrees.
SMH, just sitting here smh. Ugh.

[Fuzzybear]

"why does it always rain on me ?

Travis

[tigerlily84]

Just had an interview for a leadership position at my company. I think it went well. I did forget to bring a copy of my résumé though. Hopefully it won't reflect too badly on me but we'll see.

[tigersassy]

Kindda freaking out. Numbed myself out emotionally which normally results in inpatient treatment. Think I might go sleep till meds time.

[lindammarie]

Originally Posted by tigersassy

So tired of work. Standing up for myself has black listed me. Triggered pretty bad today because of it. Fml.

I don't know why people do this...

I used to go to a church a long time ago in a different city from where I live now. I was so happy to find some of the people I loved and considered like family on FB. But I've changed. I am still a Christian, but I no longer believe as narrowly as I used to. The worst part is that it matters to some of them... The pastor & his wife won't even "friend" me on FB, even though they have many other friends and their children have friended me. In fact, the pastor recently friended my son.

Being black listed can hurt, but I try to look at it as their loss, not mine.

I am sorry you feel alone at work and hope you can deal with it better as the days go by.

[lindammarie]

I fell asleep on the sofa last night and did not take my asthma medicine. When I woke up, I could tell I had not taken it, but was only able to use my inhaler because the pill is supposed to be taken at night.

I got to wondering while getting ready for work -- what if I just quit taking my medicines altogether. Maybe I wouldn't live as long then...

I hate having these kind of thoughts and knowing I must fight them off... It seems to take so much energy.

[bjornbar]

Originally Posted by Bark

New thread, everybody!

I'd like to start this thread with an up: four months of mental torment is finally over! I finally submitted the paper and wrote the exam for a class I had last semester. And I passed! Woohoo!

Wow! Congratulations! It's so strange that I found this post as this is my first time on the Psych Central boards and guess why I'm here? Just the opposite of you--I finally threw in the towel today in regards to my Master's thesis. I was just a week away from the date I was supposed to present my paper, but its been one of the worst experiences of my life.

I had to quite for self care reasons. My gpa was quite good all along, but school drained me and this final paper pushed me over the edge in regards to health--folks here will know what I'm talking about. When you suffer from mental illness and you're pushed and pushed and pushed, you wear yourself out physically and open the door for (in my case) a huge bout with major depression.

To be honest, I should have dropped out last April and I knew it then but I kept saying (3 more months, 2 more months). Recently, I've put in very long nights working on the paper and had not been sleeping. Now that I'm very close, one of my professors signed off but the other would not. She has just recently started to give feedback and frankly its been too late in the game. Half the time, I didn't understand what she wanted which was made worse by the fact that we were communicating by email and not face to face.

Today was the last straw. I had worked until 1-2 a.m. two nights last weekend and submitted a revision. She came back at me yesterday afternoon with a request for more revisions, so I worked after work for 7 solid hours to try to make her happy. I sent it out at 1:30 a.m. and I knew she would send it back yet again. I am a non-traditional student--meaning I'm older, work full time, and have a house to keep up. Additionally, I'm having some medical issues that I;m sure are brought on by the stress.

So I started to think what I would do when she sent her next rejection. I decided that I would not respond (I had responded unpleasantly late last night when she hit me with another request before I had finished the ones sent earlier in the day). I decided that I needed to take care of myself. The degree wasn't going to help me find a better job. I had finished 36 hours of Master's level coursework with a 3.78 gpa so I certainly wasn't "dumb", so why push myself to the breaking point.

Today when her email came, it was filled with snotty and condescending remarks about my academic ability. One professor signed off on my work so I knew it couldn't be that bad. I did not respond to her at all and never will.

I did send an email to the head of the department, my other professor, and the Graduate Studies coordinator and aired my dissatisfaction (and I copied them on her rather snotty email). In the email, though I did point out the difficulty with this one person, I otherwise gracefully bowed out of the program--just one week and two days shy of the day I was to publically present my paper.

I feel a big sense of relief at this point--like a prisoner set free. Yet I haven't talked to anyone about this and am fearful that I may fall victim to major depression again. It's been two years since I've suffered from it, but if anything could push me back into it, its this.

So here I am. I've blathered on too much, but I needed to get it off my chest.

I decided to respond to this particular posting because I know what a big deal it is to make it over the hurdle that you did. Plus it seemed to tie into my issue, though in a different direction. Still, the common thread is the difficulty with achieving academic goals when saddled with mental illness. The toll that academic pressure takes can be draining, whether the goal is reached or not.

[herethennow]

Not in a good place. I don't know whether I can make it through today. Mind is subconsciously making plans for me.. I don't know.

Sometimes I envy those of which the meds have made them feel better a little bit. If it lessens the pain a little then I'll take it. But.. sigh.
Sent from my phone using Tapatalk 2

[Rachel.i]

Originally Posted by lindammarie

I fell asleep on the sofa last night and did not take my asthma medicine. When I woke up, I could tell I had not taken it, but was only able to use my inhaler because the pill is supposed to be taken at night.

I got to wondering while getting ready for work -- what if I just quit taking my medicines altogether. Maybe I wouldn't live as long then...

I hate having these kind of thoughts and knowing I must fight them off... It seems to take so much energy.

((((Lindammarie))))

Sorry you're having these thoughts too. Mine have been rearing up lately. My mind runs through a "What are my options scenario?" and at times like this, suicidal ideation appears. Not that I could/would do it. As you say, fighting them off is so very tiring. Going to call my pdoc tomorrow 'cause I don't think this MAO patch is helping. Here's hoping we both find some relief from this.

[Waelwulf]

back on medication (fast acting injection) had it a couple of days ago and now feeling wide awake, positive and bouncy

[Rachel.i]

I didn't know about Leed. So sad. She was one of the first to welcome me on here. She was very giving and will be so missed.

[don964964]

hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

[gracez]

i actually enjoyed something today, strange. i'm dog / house sitting and i enjoyed walking the dogs this morning. it didn't last, but i encouraged myself. i ate 2 meals the past 2 days, also good. the rest not worth reporting.