Guilt of past actions

Pretty much I dated a girl for about 6 months last year and the first couple of months were amazing. After Halloween however, things turned sour because I then found out (via going through phone, mind you) that she was texting other guys and flirting with them. Sending pictures (not nude ones), pretty much seeking attention. I called her out on it and nearly broke up with her. We talked, things were fine. Week or two later, found out she did it again. But I never told her, instead I seeked out revenge in my head and went upstairs to her sister's bedroom (who I did find attractive) and stole pairs of her panties and pleasured myself with them. We stayed together for four months after that, but after that act I pulled, the guilt of what I did has bothered me. She eventually ended up cheating on me emotionally some more by texting and talking to another guy, so I finally broke it off with her.

After doing that act, I realized I blocked this out of my head (until it came back) that I did this before after my long-term relationship ended with another ex. She too, ended up leaving for another guy twice. So in return, the same act happened. But the only difference between this one and the other is I did this AFTER we were broke up.

It's terrible, disgusting, I'm really ashamed of myself for doing such a thing. I feel like I'm not worthy of anything, especially any woman for the future. I feel like I don't deserve anything in life now. I've been trying to Google similar situations but ones I've found have been from people that LOVE doing this kind of stuff and it eats me up when reading comments like that because I AM NOT this type of person.

All of this has really led me to depression a little bit, and to an extent...anxiety. My heart races real fast, I have trouble breathing. I'm starting to get panic attacks sometimes. I don't like the way I feel, and while I know it's all in the head, it sucks. I feel like I'm NEVER going to get better.

I am seeing a therapist, I had my first appointment last week. He was the first person I've actually told in person about this and he told me "We're all human. What you do doesn't define who you are." With it being our first visit, I didn't get to talk to him that much, but, it's a start. I don't have another appointment for another two weeks and coming across this forum, I think this would be beneficial to help get me by for the next couple of weeks until I talk to him again and even afterwards, as this looks like a really comfortable place.

Hello & Welcome, ThisIsTough! I'm glad you've found a real, living person with whom you can talk face-to-face about what troubles you. And do please make yourself at home here, too.

Yes, now is the time to deal with the various facets of the "thing" - relationship patterns, emotions, anxiety, shame, the past. Exploring those may take time and lead in several directions.

Welcome to PC. Glad you are getting help. Doing something that causes you shame and guilt needs to be addressed. Look around PC and jump in when you feel like it. It's a great place for support.
Gayle

The thing that bothers me the most out of all of this is all of this came back to me after my ex recently contacted me again a couple months ago after going four months of not talking. I was seeing someone new and then she confused me and all these guilty feelings came back and have been on my mind ever since (and I'm no longer seeing that other girl). Everything that I did was totally out of character for myself. I don't like it.

I really hope there is light at the end of the tunnel through all of this. Has anyone else been in the same boat as me? Not necessarily my actions, but guilt/shame/relationship patterns, etc? I know this will be a long process seeing someone, but it's hard to be positive when all I'm doing is being negative right now. :-(

Been doing fine since the month start, but I find myself thinking about this more and more lately.

This,
Yes, I too have your situation. I was hurtful in my past to a few people and obsess over it constantly. Panic attacks are the worst. My therapist believes while he understands my guilt, believes allot of the not letting go is OCD/obsessive though related. I can go weeks, and months and not think or obsess, then BAM like a brick to the head I get into a loop over it. You are taking the right steps by seeking therapy. You seem young so I would not worry much about it.

Comforting to know someone is sorta or has been in my shoes. I can't help but worry about a lot of things, it really sucks. My next therapy session is this upcoming week and it seems like it's been a couple months since I've seen him last. I just really am hoping there's a light at the end of this tunnel...

Today is really bad. My heart is racing like no other and I really don't think things will change.

Sorry to bump an old thread, just figured it was the right thing to do rather than make a new topic regarding this situation.

I'll openly say right now I opened up to my friends finally about all this around October/November of last year and it's helped a ton. I don't find myself being too involved with this anymore, and I'm seeing a new therapist, but I still can't shake the obsessive thoughts and guilt/shame of this. For people that have dealt with what I'm going through, what has helped you out?

I know that revenge is not the healthiest thing....but the manner in which you sought revenge isn't.....awful....You didn't hurt anyone....
I, personally, don't find anything condemning in what you did....

Therapy is helpful to seek out healthier ways of dealing with your frustration. And I am sure that it will help you to feel less anxious over your actions.

Just my two cents from an observer.....

Hugs

Thank you so much, it is very helpful to hear from others. My friends have been very comforting to me during my rough patch in my life. And many have said what you said (not awful, didn't hurt anyone) and I'm starting to understand that, it's the just the obsessive part. I try to stay busy as much as I can and distract myself, which help, but I feel like I still come back to these thoughts.

Sadly I'm only going one day out of the month right now, not sure how great my insurance is, but I'd like to attend more. I'll bring it up to him when I see him, just felt like logging on here and speaking to this great community of people here again.

Many of us are shame based and have made lots of decisions based on shame and jealousy and anger.
We have to learn to forgive ourselves and make ammends. Making ammends doesn't always mean telling the person you feel you have harmed or apologizing to them. That can make matters worse and you don't want to hurt someone further. Maybe just talking to your friends is making ammends. Changing future behaviour can be making ammends. With phones and facebook it is really hard not to spy on someone. I have done it. Had her voice mail password and her email password and used to check on them all the time after we had broken up. Felt horribly ashamed of that behaviour. I had to work on my own self esteem and insecurities and learn to forgive myself. We are not our behaviours. Relationships are very hard.

I had to comment again before I dash out the door...

I'm a HUGE believer in penance.......I am not talking in a religious sense.....

I carry a lot of guilt around...for things that I should not feel any guilt about. (I can MAKE myself think I have done something) It gets bigger in my head, and it sounds to me that you might feel the same way.

So I atone for what I have done.....My atonement is my own...nobody tells me to do it and nobody knows I do it. It's between me and me.

I might volunteer to pick up trash on trash days.....I might buy a breakfast sandwich for the homeless guy on the corner.....I might simply do a chore around the house that I have been putting off.

Don't get the wrong idea...I am not a martyr and these are examples of stuff over many years and I haven't felt the need in over a year. Also I'm uncomfortable with recognition of generosity or kindness.....so it's between me and me.

But it helps and it's an idea you might want to consider.

ETA: It's more a way for me to keep a moral balance (less of an I'll do this because I did this" specifically) Just to clarify.

Atone = At One
I agree with sophiesmom it is best done totally anonomously with no expectation of reward or praise. Unconditionally. There are many ways of making ammends, atonement, penance whatever you want to call it.

What kinds of things helped you dealing with forgiving yourself and making ammends? I did the same thing with the whole password and Facebook scenario and I moved on from all of that. I just can't seem to get over this little act of what I did. I'm struggling with this.

Well I am a recovering alcoholic and addict so was and active member of AA for many years so I have to say that the steps are what helped me the most. The same principles can apply to anyone though.
First of all you admit the exact nature of your wrongs to someone. You already did that.
Finding away to make ammends is more complicated. For one thing you stopped the password facebook scenerio. That is good. Talking to others helps. You are not alone. To me what you did is not a big deal. I know that to you you feel alot of shame about it. That is valid. Learning to forgive yourself is a process not an event. Look in the mirror right in your own eyes and say "I love you and I forgive you." Do this over and over. That is one technique. Every time the thought intrudes your head say I forgive you. Sounds like you have some OCD stuff going on over it maybe. I don't know your history.
Journaling is another technique. Write it all out the whole relatiionship and what you are ashamed of and then burn it. Burning it is very symbolic of letting it go.

Sorry I'm just getting around to this now, been a busy week. I guess one thing that kind of gets to me is the fact that I'm in a I want to forgive and forget kind of mode, like I expect it to just go away, but I feel like it never won't, and it freaks me out. I'll try the things you say and see how things go. I feel like mentally I do have my good days and then some days late at night it really eats me up.

Forgiving yourself often involves forgiving others. Can you forgive your old girl friend for the harm she caused you? If one of your friends did the same thing would you forgive them and not judge them or think any less of them. If you can forgive others then you deserve the same.

Yeah, I forgave the first girlfriend that broke my heart after it was all said and done. I don't talk to her anymore and the last ex, whom 'caused all of this, I haven't seen in over a year, but we talked a 2-3 after the fact after broke up. I wouldn't think different of my friends for doing the same thing, if they did. Guess it's just tough sometimes beating myself up over this situation. Like I said, have my days, but then some days it really gets to me. I'm talking to a whole new girl who seems nothing like any girl I've dated in the past (lol, us guys all say that - don't we? :P) and sometimes the occurring act will pop in my head that she's too pretty for me because of what I did. I then think she doesn't even know about it, and it calms me down that way and I kind of forget about it. I think I am getting there.....