Up
Up
Up
Up to the ceiling,
then I feel my soul start leavin
like an old mans hair receding.

[bronzeowl]

Appointment went decent enough today. Was honest about the pills and how they have been seeming to help, barring a bit of problems during the first two weeks. Was as honest as possible. Was questioned about my previous diagnosis. Due to bad memory, I didn't know how to answer. Talked about the diagnosis' now. I still feel so confused about everything, but that's fine for now. Right now, I don't care. Call it bipolar, call it depression, call it whatever. I'm just happy that for now I'm responding to the meds. Aware of the possibility of that changing. But I'm trying not to think about that right now.

There were neither ups nor downs today. I've been a bit too drained to do my schoolwork. Unrelated to mood disorder, though. More related to eating. So, I guess that could be a 'down'. And I guess the appointment going good is an 'up'. I am in neither a good mood, nor a euphoric mood, nor a mixed mood, not even a depressed one! I am at this... strangely comfortable relaxed mood. It is something unfamiliar. New territory. Maybe a bit scary, but comfortable.

[IndieVisible]

Yes, up and down and all around today. Ended up some where around my baseline may be slightly elevated. Some times it's hard to tell.

[gracez]

sleepless and just wanting to stay unconscious. the usual

[IcryWhoAmI]

I was feeling fine all weekend, and then pow, it turns back around again.

[don964964]

went on trip to see my girls it was wonderful and horrible been back for 2 days now and I cant get my head together ...
.
.
.

[1948kate]

Very good day. Got back to the pool and discovered how out of shape I've become. My trainer is working to get me back in shape. Also got the house cleaned, including the hardwood floors. Now I think I'll just relax and play with the dog for the rest of the day.

Down: Was told by the trustee of my trust yesterday that she wants to greatly reduce my monthly distribution amount effective January 2014

Up: Have spent all day looking for a part-time job to supplement my "income" from the trust and my non-flourishing solo practice.

[bronzeowl]

Feel like I'm losing my mind. I can't sit still. I'm growing more and more antsy by the minute. And my mind won't shut up. On the bright side, I got a lot done today. Including cleaning. Definitely an up. That calm is gone. I fought with myself all day about whether I'd take my meds or not. In the end, I did take them. Drowsiness is setting in. Which I suppose is good as I don't think I could sleep otherwise. Still have so much homework to do. But focusing on it has been nearly impossible. Down is that I still have not written my essays or my bibliography and the rest of the week will be busy, busy, busy.

[tealBumblebee]

Been so sad these last two days. Like I feel fine and happy enough to continue on and no one notice. But inside, physically, i've felt like crying for the last 48 hours. I feel like i'm falling again.

[it_will_get_better]

I've been feeling really low and emotional today. Cried a lot which always makes me feel very weak but I can't do anything to stop it. I cried all the way through my GP appointment (first time I have opened up about my MH problems) which is ridiculous really.

But there is also some hope; maybe the antidepressants will work for me.

[bronzeowl]

Drowsiness won in the end. I was knocked out. I don't remember falling asleep, but I must have. Still feeling antsy today, though.

Still feel more comfortable in this board. I'm not sure that'll ever go away. haha

[Bark]

Had an appointment with my psychologist today. Actually made me feel worse. And my next appointment is in a month. And I realize that I'll probably only be covered for visits up to the end of January, if I try the weekly appointment thing. Definitely can't afford to pay out of pocket. Sunshine and daisies all around.

It's at times like these that I'm thankful for my counsellor. He really goes out of his way to help.

So my mood dipped. Hard. The last thing I wanted to do was to see people and put up an act. But I stumbled across people I knew several times, and I realized that I actually do have quite a few friends. It's such a far cry from most of my life... people that actually stop to say hello. That actually want to talk to me. I still find it so hard to accept. I still dipped low and acted impulsively, at least after I was alone, but I came back up. I spent time with a friend. I treated myself to a proper dinner. I... actually think I might be a somewhat decent person.

Make-up exam and papers and... ugh. Maybe I'll study a little tonight.

[Sadeyes3533]

My life is such a pathetic joke why do I keep torturing myself!

[tigerlily84]

Originally Posted by Bark

I... actually think I might be a somewhat decent person.

Make-up exam and papers and... ugh. Maybe I'll study a little tonight.

You are a decent person. You have shown more kindness to people on here (myself included) than people I know in RL.

Good luck with the papers and exam.

[tigerlily84]

I had a short day shift at work today. The more time passes the more I realize that I need to get out of this job. It helps to be recognized as someone that can help my coworkers, I just don't feel that it's enough. I need to go back to school but I keep thinking about how I'll feel if I don't get in. Blah.

[IcryWhoAmI]

No one cares. No one ever cares. Literally.

[it_will_get_better]

Today could be a good day. I am finding it easier to pretend that I am fine than yesterday or the day before. I might even get some work done today, who knows.

[tokiwartooth]

I'm just happy it's Friday. And we have Monday off for Veteran's Day.

[herethennow]

I was doing ok.. But now? Nope. I know it myself; i am feeling down, coping alot worser, and the sui is getting worse.

Best thing of all? I dont know what to do about it. The urge to just take away this life.. is getting stronger.

Sometimes i wish i could do something to keep me unconscious for days.. So that i wont have to feel this pain. Im sick and tired of this. Tired of battling this really.

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[Bark]

Incoherent babbling coming right up. Ignore it.

I don't know if I'm rapid cycling or... I don't know what I am anymore. It seems I'm blowing up at the smallest things. That the smallest things bring me down. I'm tired, not physically, but psychologically, emotionally... I just want to give up. It seems so tempting right now. I figured I'd be in hospital by now. When my psychiatrist finds out I'm off meds... I don't know what will happen. I just want everyone to give up on me. I'm not worth it. I'm seeing my counsellor tomorrow... I don't know what's going to happen then.

Right now my thoughts are clouded. I'm not thinking straight. And I'm not taking that med that knocks me out to sleep. So I don't know when I'll sleep, or if I will.

I've betrayed the people closest to me. I haven't told them what's going on. I've done things to myself that would hurt them. Someone very close to me told me that this was the best day he had this year... having lunch with me. If only he knew what kind of a person I was.... It's things like that that really hurt me. Feeling like a lying coward, where it's damned if you do and damned if you don't, but there's some hidden third option that I'm incapable of reaching. And that is my fault.

[it_will_get_better]

This morning I was feeling OK. Now I'm not. Feeling very low.

My main problem is loneliness at the moment. I am SO LONELY. My family are in a different country. I have no close friends nearby. I have no social network to speak of. I have lost touch with so many people over the years, through either them or I moving away.

I am 37, single, no children, and have no-one to talk to. All I want is someone holding my hand and telling me it'll be alright. I'm very, very tired of sitting at home, all by myself.

[threeinmyheart]

rock bottom.

[Paralian]

To my surprise, my new medication is working so far (fingers crossed). I do wonder what this will mean for the future, but I'm enjoying it really. There still have been a few bad days, but they aren't so terribly heavy that I can't get out of bed. Otherwise, it's quiet here, and I'm still hibernating more or less while things come slowly.

[felixstratton]

A rollercoaster of a day. Anxiety at one point was so off-the-charts that I called my P-Doc for help. Now on a complex cocktail of dozens of pills a day. Today was a "downer," definitely.