[1948kate]

Neither is true. It certainly feels that way sometimes. We're all with you, and if you go out and force yourself to look someone in the eye and smile, I bet they'll smile back. I have had to. Do that to convince myself I'm not in visable. It works every time. ( OK sometimes you have to smile at several people.before it works--it eventually always works)

[1948kate]

Originally Posted by tigersassy

Almost missed my Med dose. Feeling like crap. Beating myself up because of how my personality is. Then back to work tomorrow. So work two days then off for two days. Crappy crappy crappy not looming forward to going back. Wish there was an easier way to make money. Kindda wish life was easier for people like me. Dealing with crap like this it is a disease. It eats at a persons mind and makes them question everything. I'm over therapy I'm over meds I thought I was doing better. I was accepting me and now not so much. I want to beat the crap outta myself. These thoughts need to stop. I'm not suicidal I just hate me right now.

Get back to your Pdock and therapist NOW! This is a sneaky illness, it lets you think it's gone, then it comes roaring back. Stay on you meds, they are your only armor.

[ToeJam]

Exhausted... slept normally but it's almost 6pm and I should be at college.. had to go home... just want to curl up and sleep.

[Blue_Bird]

Doing okay today, met my new T and had my medication adjusted

[mulan]

I don't write here since a long time. I'm balancing my life between bad and almost normal days (never goods days). Sometimes I feel I'm on my way, but it never last very much, a day or two, then I go down again.
I just hate my life, I just hate myself (dispite I know I have qualities), but what I hate most are social situations. I'm constantly running away from people hopping they don't notice me. I just can socialize in a group with familiar people, and it gets a realy hard time for me to get familiar with people. I don't have a person I can call friend since 2007. And even if I had spent lots of time with someone its impossible for me to feel intimacy again.
I'm an introvert and I never reveal my true feelings, the few times I did that I regret it the second after i did it. I have noone to talk about my issues because I can't trust anyone. Anyone is ever good enough for me.
Well, I think today I have been too much time on social situations. I could say I socialize to much today, but the truth is I had socialize to little. I find a known stranger in the train my way home, he was sitting next to me, it lasted 1hour, but we had nothing to say to each other, other than a few words. I'm now feeling bad about myself. I was already tired, I was already feeling bad because I had spent some hours with my collegues, but then it became worse. I just hate myself. But I guess it's just a reminder that I can't have friends or a social life. It just don't depend on me, I can't control my anxyety. Someday it is with my other days it's not. I can't control the mess my head is that doesn't allow me to think straight. I can't control my feelings of distance, my depersonalization. I can't control every litle part of my personality. I'm somewhat a diferent person everyday. I feel bad about myself. I wish I had someone I felt I could talk to. Even here, I feel I can't trust no one. I just hold myself back everytime. I guess a big reason I fear social situations its because I never have something to say.

[bronzeowl]

So, I made my appointment today. Found out I probably don't have major depressive disorder as was previously thought. I don't want to say what I probably do have yet, though, as I'm scared. I figured I'd check in here for that reason. I might check in here every now and then regardless, as my depressive stages are still obviously existent and I've grown attached to this area of the forum.

Today was horrible. I was scared once I heard the word brought up. My medication is too expensive. I may not qualify for assistance for it. I don't know what to do. I went through thoughts of 'self medicating', which I haven't thought about in a long time. Then thoughts of smoking again. Which I, also, haven't done in a long time. I feel horrible. And scared. I just don't know what to do at this point.

[themonster7]

Off the deep end... Don't eat anymore, si, and hide in my bed all day. Don't even know where this came from. I'm insane.

[Rose76]

Thanks for the heads up, Bark. (re: new thread)

I'm still feeling good.

[tigersassy]

I'm better functionality wise. I have therapy next week if I can afford it. Panic attack city because I hate money. I'm mentally ok kindda I guess. I don't understand why I can be ok one min then not ok the next. It makes life so hard. I want to be better. I know it can be I just don't know what to do to make ok permanent.

[Patagonia]

Saw new Pdoc today. She said shes not a miracle worker after I asked her. Bummer. No meds yet she still wants to look into all my old stuff & see what's new she can come up w/. Have to wait another wk. Was really hoping to start a new med today. We'll just have to wait as usual.

Up, feeling confident and bold

I'm vacant but functioning.

[Sneezyyy]

Had a rough day yesterday. Starting a new fresh day today. Hoping for
A better day. And for
This rain to go away.


sneezyyy

[ToeJam]

Hypersensitive today. Guy at work said that I should ease down on the banter… hit me hard, basically it’s ok for him and the rest of the arseholes I work with to try to belittle me and demonstrate how stupid I am, but if I reciprocate then that is unacceptable and just participating in one man up man ship… I know I have quite a sharp wit but come on this is ridiculous.I hate banter anyway… only reason I play the stupid game is since it’s some stupid social norm and it hurts enough with people continuously ripping me to crap like I’m some personal punch bag.Well sod it, I guess I’ll just soak up all of their ill disguised baggage and keep a smile on my face. Who gives a crap that I’m slowly dying inside each time.I so want to be emotionless right now.

[Clara22]

I am going through hell, I am sad, and scared. I've called the green phone this week (green phone here is a governmental program for domestic violence). The psychologist there advised an exclusion for my brother. And that we need to change the pension powers of my mom SS (giving the power of attorney to any of my nephews or nieces, as my brother wants to take the money of my mom pension). Next Wednesday I have an appointment with a social worker and other team members to start the judicial process of getting my brother out of our home. This is very painful because I expected to be able to help him but it is not possible at this stage. Yesterday he said to me that he would pay $5,000 to somebody to kill me; he said my home is very easy to break in and he would tell the guy how to enter. Imagine, I am paraplegic, I was very scared. My niece wanted me to go to the police this morning but I do not want to do that. Police here is too corrupted, they may ask my brother some money in exchange of erasing my police report. In fact, he got the police to erase the report of one friend of his whom he had bitten badly. Anyway, It is difficult to explain how I feel. I am trying to cope the best I can. I feel grateful I have this space to share this. Thank you for being here

[1948kate]

Still not felling well physically, it's got me having the blahs emotionally. When the bronchitis passes, I'm sure I'll feel. Much better

i've been doing a lot better today than yesterday.

which is good..

I have felt pretty "up" all day long, and I haven't been able to say that in a long time. Wow, do I ever hope it lasts. Feeling optimistic is wonderful.

[tigersassy]

Was doing fine but now I feel like a fat @$$ ripped through another pair of jeans in the thighs. Erggggggg....

[tigerlily84]

I thought I was feeling better but today I feel so much worse. I think I have the flu. It's never been this bad before. Been sick since last Sunday. When I feel slightly better I watch my shows.

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[themonster7]

...I'm a worthless excuse for a human being.

[Nammu]

Not doing well at all. I picked up the car weds but can't get my anxiety in control to get going. I'm out of food and now have transportation but I just can't get myself out the door. This is not good!

The dream is over.
All hope for reconciliation is gone.
More unexpressed expectations I didn't live up to.
It's for the best...but it still sucks.

[tigerlily84]

Originally Posted by sidestepper

Not doing well at all. I picked up the car weds but can't get my anxiety in control to get going. I'm out of food and now have transportation but I just can't get myself out the door. This is not good!

((sidestepper))

Don't be so hard on yourself. Look at what you've done so far. You got the car. That's a big step already. Focus on one thing at a time.

feeling upset it's the weekend and as usual i'm like the only one in our street not knowing where i really stand or what matters in life