[Liv28]

I recently found out some news that has sent me in to quite a funk..a funk that I can not seem to snap myself out of..the news, although disturbing to me, does not seem to be so important as the fact that I can not seem to shake this funk like I have before..the turth is it has been coming on for weeks..slowly..but when I found out this news..it came on fast and strong..It has been quite a long time since I have felt this way..seven years to be exact..sure I have had my ups and downs..but I have always pulled myself out of them..and quite fast..this time feels different for me..this time feels wrong..and dangerous..this time is scaring me..I talked to a friend of mine recently, venting a bit, and when I read over the letter that I had wrote to her, I saw so much anger in what I had written. And I am noticing that I have such anger in a lot of things when I think about it, and I have been thinking about alot of things lately..dreaming about them..daydreaming about them..can't help it..they just come..flooding in..and I am starting to realize that maybe I have not dealt with things the way that I have convinced myself so well that I had..I have NEVER been an angry person..That is one thing about me that you will hardly see..so I am thinking that maybe it is finally surfacing..and I am just not sure what to do with it..how to handle it? I am crying at work, locking myself in the bathroom, crying at home, rollercoasting back and forth, my emotions a mess..and all awhile I want to talk in here..but I feel a little isolated in here as well..different..because most in here either see a T or are on some kind of medication to help with there DX or are seeking help about such things..and I do neither..and will never do either again..don't get me wrong..I believe that this can be beneficial for many people..but if you knew my past you would understand my fears of not going this route again..I went this route before..and it made me sick..sicker than I was..Im not being paranoid..its the truth..the doctors and the medications that they put me on..made me crazy..literally..until I walked away from it all..and when I walked..that was the day that I started getting better..and I vowed I would never return to that..but now..I need something obviously..and something outside of that route!! I think maybe there is no one that can relate to me...sometimes I feel like an outsider even in here..makes me sad..makes me cry..makes me lonely..but I stick around hoping and continuing to be myself..cause that is who I am..and can only be...sorry for such a long post..My friends can not handle my past and I would not push it on them..to me, if I walk into a T's office, that signify's that I have made a step backwards in my life..a HUGE step backwards..but these memories just keep coming..I know I am confusing here..but any suggestions?

[Liv28]

nobody huh,? well, thanks anyways..

Liv, i understand entirely.

you made some points i would like to talk about in your post..

You say that something recently has triggered a negative way of thinking. and that depression seems back and worse than it has been for 7 years, unfortunately with depression is that it can re-surface any time and hit us hard when we least expect it. although we may have dealt with the issues that were making us depressed, they can return several years on. its nothing to be afraid of, and dont consider yourself going backwards. you are progressing and it is time now for your body to once again deal with your issues. it is telling you that you are now ready and that you are strong enough. it will be scary. it will feel dangerous. but please remember that you have got through this once before and you are a stronger, better person now so you can survive it again.

you need to vent your anger Liv, otherwise it will build up and up and will eventually prove more fatal than if you vented when you need to. dont feel bad about yourself for this, although your friends wont understand sometimes, there are people who do understand. i am one of them. feel free to pm me if you need to ok, i understand what you are going through and i want to be here for you. just let me know ok.

therapy isnt for everyone. although it proves to be highly succesful to most people, there is still a large amount of people who dont find it helpful. sometimes we are stronger on our own. it varies frm person to person and you should never force yourself into it, especially if you know it upsets you and makes you ill. do what you need to do to help your self, you are the only person who knows these answers, so go with what your heart tells you to do.

i think, with memories such as yours, they need to be accepted. the problem with memories is that they are of things that happened, so you need to accept them and accept that these things happened. this is the first step towards salvation and once you have masterd this, things get easier. i know it is easier said than done but it is possible. if i can do it anyone can.

i talk to you today from experience. alot of what you talked about in this post is things i have felt, and even though i dont know your past, i know it must have been traumatic. but with people available for you to turn to that you know understand and that wont let you down, you can conquer this.

the offer is still open liv, i am here for you. i want you to know that you can vent as much as you feel the need to to me. i really dont mind. im here to help you and others, so if you need me, im just a pm away.

take care of yourself liv. and i hope to speak to you soon ok

simon

[deepblue]

liv i have been at work today sorry i did not post sooner

i think i understand your post in a way that i do not see a therapist nor am i medication believe me at 32 i think i should from the age of 7 my life has been a emotional rollercoaster and dealing with it has been a painful and lonely quest.

until i found this sight i felt that i was the only person who ever got abused ,cut themselves, took overdoses and then went to work as a normal person, no one knew.

and yes being new to this just before i was going to declare my insanity by finalisation, i decided that just posting a reply or a qestion,problem someone will give me an unbiased view , and i can let people know a little about me

i feel you can make alot of friends on here me, for one liv because before i came on this site i felt depressed and angry and i think after i week i feel better please hope yu get to read this and post other feelings we do read them honest

love blue

i wish you well

keep smiling

[deepblue]

simon i commend you on your post

very enjoyable to read i feel you are a true and just person love to chat with you in the future

i wish you well

keep smiling

[heartspace]

I agree deepblue with your comments about jacq. Have noticed the same myself. You're no slouch either, you know
Liv I am sorry I didn't respond to your post earlier,. Not here that often but deepblue and jacq have given you great advice imho.
Take care and I hope things start improving for you soon.
edited to add: I meant to say, about taking a step backwards, gee I don't know how many steps backward I've taken in my life but looking back I seem to have made progress. I actually think backward steps are a part of progress in a way. It's hard not to fear them but we have to try not to. The important thing is we learn and overall move forward.
Take care

[Liv28]

Simon, Deepblue and heartspace..Thank you all very much for replying to my most depressing post! I have maybe come on the board and posted something that showed apart of my very soul once or twice before..and I forget that people responded nicely then too..I just need to be more patient..

Simon, I appreciate your offer to let me vent to you..but I do not feel my anger is justified..I will deal..again..that was very kind of you to offer..and maybe one day I will take you up on that offer.

Thanks again guys..I really appreciate everyone of you..and everyone else on this board..I may not voice it..but I do..I know it is not anyones problem I feel this way..I know it is mine..so I should not feel like you all have to fix me..and I DON"T..so no worries

[deepblue]

(((((((((liv28)))))))))))))))

please do not think for one moment your post was depressing alot of people feel for you we know we can't fix you ,but we know we can be a post away just to know you are ok.
some days are good others are bad ,
i feel anger does not need to be justified as long as it does not become violent sometimes anger is for a plausable reason and only that person knows it

i am not a preacher liv28 it is good to open the soul, and it is natural instinct to get angry so don't think that you can't.as long as you keep safe thats ok

keep smiling i wish you well

[drunksunflower]

I understand way more than you probably will think i do

i don't 'do' doctors

i don't 'do' therapy

but i also think i am getting worse without anything ... i have some celexa i'm trying to remember to take, after going to the only dr i have ever even half trusted ... but i can't seem to make myself go back cos i'll just freak out again (embarrassing).

good luck and i dont know what to advise but ... kia kaha (be strong)

x

[Bethsway]

Just remember that if you ever do decide to go back into therapy...that you may not get the bad treatment you did before...and I would make sure the new therapist knows about what happened too...It would not be a step backwards...It would be a step in a different direction than what you are in now, that is all....Hope you are feeling better today...and keep getting stronger every day! (((((hugs))))) to you!!!!

[Liv28]

Drunksunflower..it is encouraging that that I am not alone..yet sad in a way! Thank you for letting me know! and (((HUGS)) to you!

Bethsway, I guess I did not think about it that way..someone asked me the other day..if you are not willing to seek Therapy and you are not willing to talk to friends..then what exactly are you looking for? I guess I don't really know the answer to that question..hmmm..

But, I AM feeling slightly better today..I have a way to do that..not quite there and back to my regular self..but am headed in the right direction and since I know I have done it before and through much worse..I know I can do it again..

Thanks everyone!!

thats fighting talk liv, and its great to hear hehe.

keep up the good work

simon

[bebop]

Liv hon I hear ya. I don't have a dx and don't see a t but sometimes I do get down, depressed. I don't feel I belong here most of the time but hopefully we both have something to offer others and at our bad times we get support. I am here hon anytime

[heartspace]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
deepblue said:
(((((((((liv28)))))))))))))))

please do not think for one moment your post was depressing alot of people feel for you we know we can't fix you ,but we know we can be a post away just to know you are ok.
some days are good others are bad ,
i feel anger does not need to be justified as long as it does not become violent sometimes anger is for a plausable reason and only that person knows it

i am not a preacher liv28 it is good to open the soul, and it is natural instinct to get angry so don't think that you can't.as long as you keep safe thats ok

keep smiling i wish you well

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

(((liv))) please feel free to pm me anytime liv. I may not be able to respond straight away (young family) but will happily reply as soon as I can.

[Liv28]

Bebop and heartspace..thank you very much! Means a lot..it is very hard for me to call for help when I need it..but it is always nice to know that I have it should the need arise..know that I am on my way to feeling much much better..and thanks again!!! ((((HUGS))))

Take care liv

[froggie2]

Simons right. I can also relate to some of what you said. From what I have learned over the years is that sometimes we stuff a lot of stuff down but it needs to come out. Whether to cry or get mad. Finding a way to let it out safely is the problem.We can be so numb that we don't even know its there until we start leaking out everywhere or get depressed. I took a course awhile ago that let us vent. After it was amazing how much lighter I felt. I can't release emotions when I am not safe or I feel judged. Now its like I am on a journey to find ways to tap into those old scary feelings and clean them out.Its hard work and you need someone you trust to just hear you and listen and be there no matter what you say. I sometimes wonder if everything I went throught would not have happened if I could have had someone just to LISTEN so I could work it out.

[Liv28]

thanks suzy

Froggie..you took a course that let you vent? What was that like? I mean did you have to express yourself and say things in the class? or am I misunderstanding? I remember when I was hospitalized for the fist time that they put us in this room and gave us phone books or a towel that had been rolled up and had tape all around it and we were either suppose to bang the towel on the floor or rip the phone book to shreds all the while shouting or cussing about what we were angry about..I would just sit there..amazed by all the others in the room..shouting and cussing..watching their anger..I remember the counselors coming in and trying to work with me..TRYING to make me angry..it never worked..I most of the time ended up laughing..how sad is that?! They eventually pulled me from the room and let me work on art projects..LOL

The thing with me and talking about my anger is I end up feeling extremely guilty..so my guilt holds me back..I think..I have friends..here for instance..but I feel guilty because I know you all have problems of your own to deal with..or my friends IRL..I feel guilty because I feel like a burden..and for oh so long..I was that burden..and I don't want to be that anymore..and my husband..well that is a completely different story..and we will leave it at that..

my anger is boiling over as you say..but there has to be a way that I can control it in a healthy way..right? a way that is healthy for me and for those that I love..I plan on finding that way..because obviously what I have been doing before is not working..wish me luck!!

[JustAPixie]

Liv.... have you ever tried non-medical stuff to help? There are so many small things you can do to help you. I've recently joined the gym... I hate going there, but I force myself, I got a trainer so I have to go and I feel loads better afterwards. I use a lot of vitamins, sit in the sun for 10min a day, don't listen to sad music, but try upbeat stuff and sing along whenever you can. If you can't join a gym, go for a walk/run or do sit ups infront of the TV... Don't watch sad movies etc. These can help a little...

[Liv28]

Tanya..I work out alll the time..I am a work out QUEEN..but you did bring something back to memory..I used to take kickboxing.or go to the gym and box..using their punching bag and I remember feeling loads lighter after that..I think I might check back into that...Thanks..I forgot all about that..has been awhile!!

[JustAPixie]

I almost forgot that you are quite the adrenaline junkie!!!! excercise clearly isn't your problem... It's hard to imagine a daredevil like you can feel so blue!!!! I wish I could give you a hug... maybe I will be able to someday...

[froggie2]

It was a great class. There are groups all over the states and there are workshops and seminars. The thing is someone has to invite you. Mostly to be safe and for confidentiality. I went for 16 weeks 2-3 hours at a time. One large group where we would learn. But we would split up into small groups and just talk or vent whatever would come up for us. Its about listening and being listened to. and validated in a safe and supportive environment. What was amazing was what came out of me that I didn't even know was there. You are not allowed to socialise outside of the group. I have a friend who was telling me to do it for years and even offered to pay for me. I finnally did. Boy, if I had only known earlier but I was shy and scared of who these people were. IT was so safe and fun too. P.m. if you want. I'll try to get back to you tonight.

[Liv28]

Froggie..thanks..I will.

Tanya..I don't get down very often..and when I do..its not as bad as most..this one just seemed different..but it seems to be fading..and thanks for your kind words!!

[JustAPixie]

(((((((((((( Liv28 ))))))))))