[alf0156]

i decided to never talk about them again, never think about them again, and box any that come my way so that i can be the happy person everyone wants me to be.

[pegasus]

That doesn't work unfortunately.

Hope you can find a therapist to talk to.

Take care.

I agree. Coping on one's own is very hard. Bottling things inside will only gnaw at you. One needs to let it out, so if there is any possibility of talking to someone, do consider this option.

it isnt a "fix" for your problems, it will make you worse in the future. to hide your feeling and pretend they dont exist can be fatal because there is no way you can keep them hidden forever, so when they emerge it will hit you so hard and make you even unhappier than you may be now.

it doesnt matter what people think of you, nor what they expect you to be. why should you be who they want you to be? you are your own person alf and you dont have to be a certain way for anyone. you are suffering depression, and although you are unhappy now, it will not be forever. if you continue to talk and face the issues that make you unhappy, you can defeat it for life and then you can return to being happy but it will be genuine and you will be stronger, and will be able to face problems that come your way without being unhappy to this extent.

please, trust me, trust pegasus anbd always when we say its not the solution at all. i can see why you feel its the only way, i went through that stage myself. but you have to keep at it and get through it. you can do it, and you will be so much happier afterwards, and you wont be living a lie.

take it easy on yourself, dont beat yourself up...you are doing great ok. just keep talking about things and let people help, then things will get brighter, i promise.

speak soon

simon

[ster]

I'm one of those people that have pushed things back and notdeal with them. When it hit me in 2005 all hell broke loose. in my mind and body If I had dealt with things before now it may not have been as hard. I have been in theripy 2005. and no sign of it easing up. I wish you luck and may god be with you.

[FaithisAlive]

I tried that before.. it didn't work.. it was as if I had covered a wound with a bandage and never took that bandage off to let the wound heal.. it became infected.. festered for a long time... and now I am having to clean up that wound and THEN try to let it heal...

Maybe thats too graphic. but its how I feel. literally the keeping of secrets.. the pretending to be something I wasn't.. the giving control of my life over to what others want or think .. it all has taken a painful effect on my body and I am having to work my way out of it by healing from the inside out...

i only wish I had never stuffed it all the way i did.. years of it..stuffed so deep I am still digging..so please.. don't do that to yourself.. don't give your life over to the opinions of others.. you can't possibly please them all anyway.. you will exhaust yourself trying!

Life is to be enjoyed.. you must allow yourself to heal so you can be true to yourself...I hope you make that choice! Faith.

Pretending can only get you so far, at least for me, then I would get a full-blown depression that would lead to very bad & destructive behaviors. Medication & therapy helped me to come to terms with the past & not have it affect me so much today. However, I'm not "there" yet. I'm still a work in progress & having to face things from my past that are continuing to impact me in a negative way now, but I'm trying to get over these things so I can focus more fully & happily on the future I deserve. You do, too. Seek help. Don't deny your reality.--Suzy

[alf0156]

i have allready locked it up and i blocked it out of my mind. I no longer remimber any of it. The last 6 years of my life is now wiped from my mind and i don't want it back. The pain was too much. Theropy didn't help and now i can't aford it because i lost my insurance. i also can't aford my medication any more so i will be stoping that soon, i have 5 days of it left. There is nothing i can do about it. i can't fix me, can't aford to fix me finatualy. I am broke beyond repair

[Perna]

(((Alf))) That doesn't box the problems, that boxes you. Don't let them do that to you.

[alf0156]

i just don't know how else to deal with it. I have tryed everything i know how to do. i have lost my insurance so i can no longer aford my theropy or my meds. so i just don't know what to do now

Try contacting your local mental health association, National Alliance on the Mentally Ill (NAMI) or the Depression & Bipolar Support Alliance. You can find local chapters on the web. You can talk to a real person who may be able to tell you how to get meds & therapy for little or no cost. They are used to dealing with indigent people & really want to help people with mental disorders.--Suzy

[(JD)]

((((hugs)))) Make sure that your MD who is prescribing your meds knows of your new situation. If the doctor doesn't have samples to give you, then call the drug manufacturer for freebies. (I think there's a link from PC on that.)

I agree that only you are being boxed in. Stuffing will work for a little while, since you have to have some thought to square this away and not feel the pain of the past. It doesn't work well, and it won't work for long before it will begin to seep out, maybe in new ways that are worse for you

I'm glad you have PC to come to... the members here can help you cope while you seek new alternatives. Take care!

[Bethsway]

I think you need to do the opposite of that....talk about it...get it off your chest...even SHOUT about it...You have the right!!! and keeping it bottled up will only hurt you more in the end! Wish you could find someone to talk to!! someone who is not involved in the situation! Someone who can listen to your side of it all!!

[alf0156]

i am at the point of going to a hypnotist ti have it permonitly erased from my mind. I will pay any money even if i have to sell all my stuff to do so, I want the memorys gone. every thing. If i went back to whin myu depresion started then i would have to erase to the age of 16 and i am 31. That is a lot of erasing. The down side is i will not know my child if i do it and right now i cruantly don't care.

[Bethsway]

((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))) to you alf

[alf0156]

i have lost all will to care. and honistlyu not sure if i can get it back, or even want it back. It feals like i am been taken over by my depresion and i have no controle. and i can't take controle

[JustAPixie]

((((((((( alf0 )))))))))

I am also at the point where I want to just box it all up, but everyone's right, it doesn't work that way... you have to deal with it unfortunately. If you "forget" about it now, it will just resurface again when you are weaker...

[alf0156]

i am begining to think that boxing up my problums caused a lot of problums between me and my ex. We argued a lot. More then i ever did before. and now i am boxing that up with everything else that has happned to me in my life. i also don't want to be in any relationship ever again. I got burned 3 times. I am avoiding the burn. I can't handle it anymore. i know if i start seeing anyone and if she shows anyaffection at all i will latch onto her and not want to let go because of how loanly i am. so i am not going to see people. i will work and sleep. Avoid all contact with other people to avoid beeng loved. because love is shalow.

[LMo]

Alf:
Having been divorced, I can say that I know the feeling of never wanting to be in a relationship ever again. I can relate to much of what you wrote. I'm not going to tell you that you should do anything differently, because even if you did change your mind right now, I know that it doesn't help to force yourself to get into new relationships when you're not ready.

Work and sleep ... that's a good plan, for now. Finding some cheap or free therapy would be a good one to add to it. Wounds need time to heal - it doesn't happen quickly. I'm still healing from my divorce and it's been 7 years. But, it DOES get better, I promise.

Day by day.... just take things day by day and try not to impose lifelong limitations on yourself while you're feeling this way, ok? Day by day... Hang in there