Messed Up

I'm not sure exactly where to start..
For several months I've been depressed.. It seems like it keeps getting worse by the day.. I mean I have my good days, but they are never consecutive. I'll have like a couple of really good days.. sometimes I even think that there is nothing wrong with me but that I only had a bad day or something.. but it's not like that.
I'm not normal. I think I'm okay sometimes but i'm really not.
I went to this church trip. I learned a lot about God and I felt so at peace.. It's been a week since I got back and already I feel like crap.
I was doing well when I first got back, but I'm almost back to normal now.
I feel trapped in my house. My parents are wayy overprotective over me. I don't know how much longer I can handle it. I know that they do what they do because they love me and care about me, but I just can't take it sometimes.
And then, I also have issues with my friends.. I can't stand them anymore. All my friends from high school are annoying and I want nothing to do with them. They are superficial and fake and they just aren't good people. I guess i just want to meet some new people.. BUt that's another issue. I don't want to go out that much.. I do have times when I really, really want to go out, but it's rare.. I wish I had good supportive friends.. None of my friends know that I'm depressed.. They barely know me because I have a hard time opening up.
I remember before I was friends with the "popular group" at school. I wanted so bad to fit in with them. Ever since I was in middle school, all I ever wanted was to fit in with them. And in high school, when I finally did, I realized that being "cool" wasn't what I wanted. I realized that I wanted to be around true honest and nice people.. But I just don't think I can fit in with them. I want to be around smart people with similar interests to mine.. but I just feel like I'm not smart enough.. or that I'm not good enough. I almost feel like I'm not good enough to have anyone.
I have my ups and downs, with more downs than ups of course.
I haven't had a boyfriend in over two years.. I haven't dated in a loooooong time either. I don't know what it is. I want to date.. But I just cant. I feel gross and like every guy is too good for me.. Okay... not EVERY guy, but any guy that I would ever go out with.
I am so confused.
The guy that I dated two years ago, I only dated for several months. He told me he loved me after like a month of meeting me. I told him I did too, but of course, I didn't mean it.
I was very distant with him. He ended up moving away... I missed him so much for a really long time. It took me soooo long to get over him. And I finally did several months later. So I guess I've never been in a real serious relationship.
Sometimes i want to date so bad, but I just can't.
Every time i go out and a guy stares at me or tries to approach me, I look away, even if I am interested in him. I don't know what it is. I do have crushes on guys and stuff, but I can't date them., I can't figure out what it wrong with me.
I mean I get asked out A LOT. i'm not conceited of full of myself.. I mean if I was, I wouldn't be writing this and so afraid of dating.. I guess that's what I am.. afraid of dating. But does that make sense?
Ugghhh.
I get stared out by guys.. I've been followed around by guys.. cute guys. I've been asked out by so many guys. So many. But for some reason, i always stay away from them. I get complimented by them.. they are nice to me. You would think that I would be confident because of it.. but I'm not. I'm only confident for like 10 minutes and then I feel like crap again, and ugly.
I feel fat. I'm not that fat,really. I mean I didn't even know I wasn't skinny until a couple of months ago. I'm not fat to where I get made fun of it or remind people of fat. I'm not like that.. i can still wear small clothes. I am like a size 5-7.. I exercise. I eat well and I'm losing weight, I realize that i'm okay looking, but still it doesn't help. I don't like myself. I'm not that happy when I look in the mirror.
I don't understand why people stare at me.. I don't get it. I can't understand why anybody would be attracted to me.
I guess my self esteem sucks. If you see me, you wouldn't know it. I act like i'm confident and everything, but really, I'm not.
Maybe that's why I won't go out with anyone.. I don't know.
I think I'm also afraid of intimacy.. I've always been taught since I was little that intimacy is wrong. i mean, my parents never had the "Sex talk" with me.. And even to this day, when people kiss on TV, they change the channel when i'm in the room. I'm not allowed to watch R movies. I'm seventeen,
I/ve never seen my parents kiss. EVER.
I don't think that's normal.. is it? They've been married for like 20 years. They almost separated once,, but it didn't happen. So they still love each other, but they never show it.. its confusing.
I'm VERY confused,
I also can't accept my.. what would you call it??... Race, I guess. Well, I mean I accept it, but I can't say that I like it.
I was born in Mexico City.. But I live in florida.. for 9 years now.
I don't have any mexican friends at all... I can't stand spanish music.. I can't stand when people wear those stupid shirts with the flag on it.. I hate it.
People that meet me have no idea that I even speak spanish.. they think I'm either white, or hawaiian or even asian.. lol I act insulted, but it makes me feel better that I don't look like them. I only listen to rock music.. some pop and classic rock.. I stay away from anything that spanish people do.. I want to be so far away from them. I feel bad, but I don't know.. I don't feel comfortable in that enviroment.
I have so many issues.. I swear. The list goes on and on and on..
I mean, there are so many things that keep me from being happy ...
I wish I knew the solution. I've thought about therapy, but I don't know that i'll open up to a stranger.. I won't even open up to my "best friend" or mother. I feel like nobody cares.. Maybe because they don't. I don't even care.. I wish I could die for like a year and come back..
i feel so empty sometimes.. I feel alone and I just want to die.. I wonder what there is to live for..
I think the only reason that I am alive is because I want to go to college and travel.. I want to see the world. I want to make a difference..
I guess in the end, I think that i'll get through this,, I just don't know how.
I don't know where to start. I dont even want to start.
OKay well i'll stop moaning and complaining now.

Sometimes it's easier to figure out where to start if you break it up into smaller bits. You have a lot of really big, broad issues that are concerning to you. If you can narrow your focus onto the one thing that bothers you the most right now, and then break THAT down into its component parts and pick one of those, maybe it will help. (Just as an example, I *am* fat, but I'm working on it. But if I thought of how much I have to go, I would immediately quit and give up. If I think to myself, "ok, in 5 pounds I'll reevaluate things and decide what to do next," and still give myself the choice, 5 pounds is a lot easier to deal with than the totality of the problem.)

Dunno if that helps any ... I'm tired and it's late.

CB

blimey, thats on elong post PJ.

you know that im supporting you, we have talked over pm's but not about any of this. so lets get started....

first off, there is nothing "wrong" with you. you have depression, it doesnt mean you are "wrong". and what are you "wrong" compared to? those self obsessed "cool" people? no. your over protctive parents, who are afraid of showing their love to you? no. no one. you are not "wrong", your not normal no, you are better than that. i can see that, as can everyone else.

we've spoken about your "friends" before. you are better than that. you know that you dont have to prove anything, that you are cool and a good person, nobody can take that away from you and you certainly dont need to prove it. the type of person you are means you will naturally gravitate towards true honest and nice people. you are good fro them, honestly you are. and what intellegence do you actually need to be that kind of person. you have alot of intellegence. and not just "school knowledge" either. you have good knowledge about life and who you are and that is the most valuable knowledge you can have.

you are in the same boat as me. i havent been in a relationship fpr about 2 years either. it is hard, and lonely. it makes you doubt who we are and we think we arent good enough. we think that we dont deserve it. thats how i feel about myself but i can see more than that in you. i know you deseve it and i know you are good enough. and i know that you will make someone so happy one day, and they will make you so happy too. i know one day you will meet a man who blows you off your feet and gives you everything you could possibly want. the reason you arent dating is for the same reason as me, you have no confidence. but the difference is you have people that fancy you. why dont you try getting with them, even if it doesnt last, at least you are trying. im not saying to get with every person that looks at you, but if you think you like somebody, just go for it, you never know what might happen. take the chance whilst you have it. some of us arent as lucky. you will grow to appreciate who you are and accept that you are pretty and intellegent. you are a good person and somebody will notice it one day like i can.

not being told about sex froma young age can make you shy. i was never taught about sex. but i use to see my mum dating loads of men and she use to bring them back home at ngiht which i hated. she and my dad were divorced by then. i was told at a young age that my dad raped my auntie (mums sister) and i was sexually abused at the age of 10, so i have always been put off by sex, so im still a virgin at 19. and it makes me feel so lonely and nervous. but im sure you dont have those experiences so it wont be the same. you have nothing standing in your way, and you are a great person, you just need to let people see that. i know its easier said than done but it is possible.

you are your own person PJ, so dont feel bad that you dont do what your relatives do, or what people from your country of origin do. you do what you like, you are unique. so if something makes you happy, do it. and if something doesnt, dont. it doesnt matter whether your race does it or not. its up to you. you have to realise that you are allowed to have your own beliefs, your own opinions and if other people dont agree, well so what.

you say you are frigtened to open up. i think you are doing great so far. you were able to come onto PC and write that long post containing what you consider faults. thats not the easiest of things to do.

you arent complaining, you are doing what you need to do to get better. just keep up the good work. and i will speak soon, either over pm's or here int he forums.

take care

simon

I don't think you are messed up just pretty overwhelmed right now. You sound pretty smart to me. "Something worth having is something worth waiting for" so don't sell yourself cheap just because everyone else does. I found when I concentrated on the things I loved I found like minded people who had things in common with me where I met friends first. Then instead of trying to get them to like me I could see them in all kinds of different places and situations and decide if I wanted to have that kind of person in my life. After you learn to separate the dishonest, the fakirs, the ones with no goals, no hobbies, the users, you will find the gold those who are loving and respectful and respectable and those are the "keepers". Simon being a virgin isn't something to be ashamed about. Be proud. When it happens it will be something Special and special is hard to find. O.K. Grandma will get off the soap box now.

Thanks guys for your support..
CANDY BEAR: Thanks.. I see what you mean about focusing on one thing at a time.. it's true.. I guess it's just kinda hard to figure out which one.. and sometimes I feel like I can't change anything. even though I know that it's not true, I feel that way.
Thank you for your help.

SIMON: Thank you soo much for being there for me and always having the right thing to say to me. You always make me feel better.
Your words make me feel better.. I know I'm not wrong. I guess it's just that I feel differently. It's like when someone tells you they love you and show you they love you but you just dont feel that way.
I feel like I just can't fit in with anyone.. like I don't belong with anyone.. i dont know. I hate it because even when people try to be friends with me i seems to push them away.. It took me a while to realize it, but now I know that I do that. I just don't know how to change it.. I dont know how to stop doing that.. I guess im scared of lettin others into my life and get to know the real me.
Not being in a relationship is lonely.. but I just can't get involved with anyone. I dont know why. Sometimes i dont feel like im good enough,, other times {I guess depending on the guy} I'm too good, I think.. But either way, I never get anywhere..
I do hope I meet someone. it seems like every guy that I've ever liked has turned out to be completely different.. I can't stand most guys.. They are so immature and perverted and just dumb. All most of them care about it getting drunk and high. They have no goal and no plans for their future.. I hate it.
I think I don't get with guys because I am afraid of showing how I trully feel. I've always had a hard time showing and expressing my emotions.. always. Even with my family.. I am not the kind of person that hugs and kisses their family, even though I love them.. I can't ever admit to anyone, including myself that I like someone, I dont know why.
And another thing.. It pisses me off when a guy I dont like is attracted to me.. i cant stand it and i act mean to them.. I stop talking to them and ignore them forever..
I've always been pretty much taught that sex is bad. I know it's not, but its like part of me thinks it is.. and like its not acceptable. I think that's also why i stay away from guys,, most of them want a physical relationship and i just dont think that's what i want.
Simon, dont be ashamed of still being a virgin.. I respect that a lot and I think most women do as well. Guys are usually perverts and will do it with anyone.. just for the hell of it. And the fact that you haven't makes you more respectable..really.
I'm sorry that you were abused.. that must be hard. My friend was raped by three different guys and I see how much it has affected her.. I think my mom was also raped.. i think that's why she protects me so much too.. I hope you know that you are a great person as well.
I mean look around here, all there is is women mostly.. You are one of the only guys on here i think and you are so smart.. you seem different than most guys,, most of them would think that they are too good or too "manly" to go on a website.. stupid.. but you're not. and I hope you realize that.
i do what I like to do., but it's just that sometimes my family criticizes me about not being in touch with my culture or whatever.. but I can't help not likin it. It's another reason that i dont feel like i fit in with any of my friends.. i guess.
Thank you so much Simon.

FROGGIE:
I AM overwhelmed. VERY overwhelmed. Thank you for your advice. I want to try that too.. concentrate on what I love to do.. because I think you're right that if I do that, i will meet people that are more like me.. I'm just sort of torn between my old friends and what I used to be and what I am now..
Thanks.. have a great day.
By the way, frogs scare me.. lol

Hi PJ... I had to comment because you are talking about feelings I always had when I was your age. Only I wasn't in touch with my feelings. I ignored them and went about my life pretending to be something I wasn't.Trying always to be everything to everyone.. to please them all.

I always felt different and I never felt like anyone truly cared about me or what was going on inside of my heart and head.I was lonely. I did have friends and boyfriends but it was phony and I wasn't never truly happy inside.I couldn't be real.

I think it is good that you are trying to honor your feelings even if they aren't happy ones right now.Thats one thing I never learned to do.. acknowledge negative feelings.

The thing is that you are who you are and until you can allow yourself to be the authentic you.... you may never find the peace of mind and happiness you deserve.

People in your life will either like you and love you for who you truly are or they won't... but as long as you have to try and be what others expect you to be, nobody will ever have the chance to know the real you.

There is nothing wrong with not liking the culture of your roots.. thats how you feel.. thats who you are. Maybe one day that will change. .but you can't force it.

Be true to yourself.. take one thing at a time.. you will work this out. And be proud of the fact that you are at least listening to your inner feelings.. thats one thing I wish I could have done when I was your age.

What do you think is going to happen if you let someone get close enough to show them your heart?

Peace,Faith