[Idealsummerluvv]

Happy New Year to everyone.
I slept late this morning, until 10:00!

Am not looking forward to going back to work after having had time off and do not want to say goodbye to stepdaughter and grandchildren who are going back home to Florida tomorrow morning. Hope to see them sometime today.

Had lunch yesterday with my best friend since 3rd grade. She was talking to her daughter's friend about how me met. She got very sentimental and I'd never heard her express this before- how she'd been so sad and lonely before I moved in and that I had saved her. I was surprised to hear this from her.

Anyway, time to get my butt in the shower and get this day going.

Laurie

[Bark]

My mood picked up earlier. A bit. Felt better. Made me wonder. But, as expected, it was a short-lived thing. Slowly descending again. Likely going inpatient for a bit, see what meds they throw at me, see if I can get my mood up. I have a paper to write, exams, and a new semester soon. Taking a break would only make things worse; as much as it causes stress and anxiety, it's the most stable place in my life, and forces me to get out of bed. Got friends there, too.

Started off the day feeling pretty good, but it's been slowly spiraling down into feelings of loneliness and depression.

[tigerlily84]

Emotionally, I'm feeling better, if only slightly. The feelings of loneliness and suicidal ideation are still there as always, but they are not at the forefront of my thoughts so I guess that's something.

Last night I stayed up to watch the ball drop on tv, and then went back to watching The Walking Dead marathon. I slept in until 1pm today, which I haven't done in years. I think I needed the sleep though since I'm trying to fight off this cold.

Depression doesn't go away easy does it? Tomorrow I have a minor surgery, well if you can call it that, but I'm worried it may be skin cancer, but even if it is, its not likely it will be a problem. I don't handle pain well though....umm rethink that, yes I can, just don't want to put up with it much anymore, having 2 big kids I think proves I can handle it... guess I will just be wondering until the results get back. Hugs to you all, tiger I hope your cold goes away soon, good you slept

[healingme4me]

Now that December is over, mood feels less melancholic. Found out, my car, may be repaired, but my aunt and uncle are in deliberations, as they are footing the bill, as to what to do. I am blessed, that's my mom's only brother, and he's been a huge part of my life since he was 16/17. Biologically speaking, I am his only niece(or nephew for that matter). He must have just graduated college, when my parents divorced. Yesterday was his wedding anniversary, gosh, was that '88 or '89, or perhaps even '87?

'87.

January, is the incoming month, of the year. My next anticipated, 'blah' month is March. Don't know why, it affects me, even being aware, but March is *ugh*. Want to see me sob like a baby, catch me on the 15th, of March. (special phone call day between myself and my mom. Her anniversary of death is the 22nd)

Now this month, in comes my bday. Miss my mom's call to me, in the morning, saying my knickname. And I miss calling her up, at time of birth, Hey mom, remember what you were doing, x# of years ago? To the tune, of Oh, ****, that was the coldest day of that winter!!!

[lindastyles]

My mother died of suicide two years again January. MY step father tried to get me in bed the day after. Then he wanted me to marry him. He saw nothing wrong in this. I said no but I am disabled and he helped me out for about six months until he found a girl younger then myself and now has very little to do with me. He did not even give me a card for Christmas. He stoped doing most everything for me had to hire someone to clean and shop for me. When he says he will do something he finds reason why he cant that day. or says hes on his way and never shows up. I feel he wants nothing to do with me. Which is fine but he is my payee and I do need him to get money out of the bank for me. I feell I can handle my own checking now. But it still hurts the way hes rejected me. He was very unkind to my mom when she was dieing from a heart condition did nothing to help her she even had to pay her own hospital bills because
s he was gambling with his money and was always broke. I dont know why feel I even want him in my life or why it hurts me. Or why I try so hard to make him pay attention to me. He never calls I call him. Hes polite but get the feeling im bothering him. Please tell me how to get past this and tell him to get lost.

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[herethennow]

i'm at the last lap of my semester and all i want to do is... nothing. i don't feel like studying anymore. i don't feel like doing anything. i just want to shut myself.

this is despite me getting stellar results. all i feel is... nothing.

i don't feel like fighting anymore.

[Bark]

Sick. Not so bad. Hell, I feel somewhat functional.

Not sure about today. I'm not depressed, but down about a couple things. I have a very busy and expensive year ahead of me. Cautiously optimistic.

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Feeling like hell today. Feeling like my depression is getting worse. But wondering if maybe anxiety of starting work soon (and failing at it) isn't contributing. Feeling very angry that my life sucks right now and I feel helpless to do anything about it. I feel like I'm just going through the motions of barely existing. So hard to get out of bed in the morning, and look forward to going to bed every night. Looking forward to the day when I look back at this time and think, "How could I have felt that way?". I must pat myself on the back for making it through this ***** that is life lately.

[tokiwartooth]

Broke my toe last night. It is gross and purple today.

[ToeJam]

Today has been bearable (I should probably say good, but I'm erring on the side of caution). Due to a dumb arse moment of scattyness, I had left my phone at work over the Christmas period... got in super early this morning and found it where I left it... was so pleased... one of my more expensive purchases, and would have not have done much for my mood if it had gone walkies.

Saw the Dr and was in a good frame of mind... he was happy to sign me off as able to go back to work full time and I felt comfortable doing so.

Work today wasn't that bad either... people have been nice enough, and even had a surprising conversation of tolerance from one of our sales reps (who I've had a rocky past with) who actually showed some understanding when it comes to why I had time off last month (was shocked, though I kept calm and cautious on the outside).

All in all, I'm pleased with today... felt calm for the first time in what feels like months.

[Bark]

Mood lifts a little tiny bit and then you're all: was it really that bad?

Then it rolls downhill for no clear reason, the thoughts start up again, you're wringing your hands... yes, it really was that bad.

I feel like I'll be able to sleep, though. That's good. I tend to be able to sleep. I realize I'm lucky in that regard.

It's funny how I can put up with being physically sick and say I don't need meds. It's only been a day! Unless it's serious, I could wait a week, maybe longer. But depression? It makes me feel like a weak pansy that can't put up with a little pain. That just complains and whines and should just get off their butt and effing do something instead of being a total waste of space that doesn't deserve to live.

Yeah, I should probably sleep.

Originally Posted by tokiwartooth

Broke my toe last night. It is gross and purple today.

oh lord, that must hurt... i'm feeling empathy, i haven't a broken bone but these stitches in my fingers are stinging, there must be alot of nerves there. Guess you cant do much for broken toes or did you get medical care? how did it happen? hope you sleep well, i cant wait till i drift off likely to be awakened by nerve pain

[Ragamuffin77]

Today has been ok. I've just started new meds and so has two great friends come over to mine as I was worried it might be sick. Watched Disney movies. Now they're gone, and my husband is home but starting to feel a but flat. Trying to distract myself by cooking hoisin ribs which sadly I'm too nauseous to eat .

[sunsetsunrise]

called my mother on new years eve. left a message wishing her a happy new years. Called her again new years day. Left a message wishing her happy new years. The definition of being rejected to your very core is when your mother doesnt even care enough about you to return a call and say happy new year. New years 2014 comes with that reinforcing proof that I am not even wanted by my own mother. So depression runs deep. I think thats probably one of the reasons she rejects me. Because I am not well. Too bad. Because I do love her

Have an apt with my T this morning and plan to call the president of the company where I have a job prospect (the one whom I had an informal interview with 2 weeks ago). Hoping for the best outcome from the phone call but am worried he might actually offer me a job! With the severity of my current depression, I am worried about my ability to even work. Finances, and my feeling useless and bored on top of it, compel me to go for it though, if offererd. I'm just scared of failing.

[tokiwartooth]

I had nothing to tape my toe up with, so I tried a band-aid and it was too small and it hurt too bad to put two on, so I have to buy some medical tape.

[tokiwartooth]

Originally Posted by needarealitycheck

oh lord, that must hurt... i'm feeling empathy, i haven't a broken bone but these stitches in my fingers are stinging, there must be alot of nerves there. Guess you cant do much for broken toes or did you get medical care? how did it happen? hope you sleep well, i cant wait till i drift off likely to be awakened by nerve pain

I ran into my door jamb while going to the bathroom at night. I hit it so hard I heard it crack. It's a really nasty shade of purple still.

[Bark]

Originally Posted by tokiwartooth

I ran into my door jamb while going to the bathroom at night. I hit it so hard I heard it crack. It's a really nasty shade of purple still.

Just reading about it is painful.

Can you afford to see a doctor for it?

[tokiwartooth]

I've broken my toes many times before, mainly because I'm a klutz, but there's nothing they can do other than tape it to the one next to it. I might go and see if they can give me something for the pain though. It hurts!

[Bark]

Sick and stressed and excited and worried and depressed and....

[tigerlily84]

Feeling pretty bad today. Numb as ever.

[smmath]

Feeling numb-ish, which I hate. So I started thinking about my issues which is making me depressed. But I rather be in a deep depression than feeling numb.