[Hellion]

Yay I don't feel quite as horrible as I did last night....but I am going to have to keep track of how I feel and try to keep my mind off the stress so I'll see how that goes today.

[Rose76]

Feel okay.

I'm doing okay I guess. I really want a job - - I'm applying to as many places as possible so I guess I'm doing all I can. The waiting sucks though . . .

[NaturallySoulSweet]

When things go bad-Don't go with them.

[StarStrike]

My mind has been somewhere else today. Somewhere disturbing... SI'd this morning (not too badly though) in the shower. All through the day that voice in my head has been telling me horrible things. I tried to isolate myself from other people in college. But a young couple there kept on trying to be my friend. They felt sorry for me because I'm always alone. Then this guy who acts like he's high even though he's not, kept on prying into my personal life. He made me feel so uncomfortable. Meanwhile, my mind is screaming that he can hear my thoughts. So I tried to block him out by getting into the zone with drawing. But I just couldn't concentrate. I only wanted to be left alone. But no one understands. Later during the day, I was walking the dog when I bumped into my dad, he bought me a couple of microwave meals and a packet of cherry bakewell tarts. Then gave me £5. I don't understand him. One minute he's freaking horrible to me and the next, he's being really nice. Is this his way of coping with the knowledge of his daughter having depression? Or does he honestly think he's helping me? Because, all he's doing is confusing me.

[mulan]

My mind, my brain fog is not better, it seems like my thoughts have been taken out. Feeling afraid don't know why, and irritated. Can't find anything that amuses me. Still not understand why others seems so distanct from my point of view. I'm thinking something banal to say to my sister like "tonight is your turn to make dinner" and I can't, than she starts talking to me and I say these things naturally.
I have this thing that makes me imagine the weirdest explanations for my behaviour and other symptoms. How was afraid with the though of having autism today, because I always find myself to be the outsider in big groups, never find the right time to say something. And because I can't imagine other people situations. Not mine either. I guess I'm not, because I have no other symptoms and I used to have friends and want to make them when I was younger. It's just that I always feel that I don't exist and that anybody else exist. I start thinking that I have a neurologic disease, I'm always freaking out by some unkown disease when I feel worst. There was a time 4 years ago that I felt dizzy almost everyday, like I was fall, lose the force in my legs. Then as I sometimes have ortostatic hipotension when I get up and everything gets black I start thinking that I had an heart problem, I have a localized spot pain in my chest. God! I had run to ER so many times because things like this. I spent almost my all life thinking I was going to die in the next day because I was ill. I have seen a neurologist too. If I could I would analize all my hormone levels, my stomach, helicobacter, my liver and so on... I know that this sounds kinda stupid I guess I'm a litle bit hypocondriac.

[Rose76]

Originally Posted by NaturallySoulSweet

When things go bad-Don't go with them.

There is something very elegant about that thought.

Kind of bummed out because I'm realizing there's a fantastic chance I didn't get the paralegal job I interviewed for. Kind of a blow to my ego - - although I know I was overqualified for the job. Just hope my overqualification doesn't hurt me in the future. I really don't want to practice law anymore and just want a paralegal position! Back to the drawing board. At least I have a few other irons in the fire. . .

[regretful]

My depression and anxiety are ruining my life; I have lost the grip on reality, and am in such misery right now. What has my life become but a terrible mess?

[Clara22]

Today I got my disability certificate. It was a long process for me, for several reasons, including myself; because when I have to call on the phone to make questions to officers or go to public offices I get overwhelmed. It is because of transportation issues, and other practical things but also because I get overwhelmed.
While I was waiting my turn for the doctor committee that evaluates patients, I start crying. I was fine regarding the committee, I know one of the doctors. I cried for no reason. It happens the same yesterday afternoon. I cried several times. This is new for me, I usually cry one time, and it is after some situation or thought.This thing about crying suddenly with no warning, it is new. OK, but at least I got my certificate

[Bark]

Thoughts going on repeat. And they aren't even that detailed. Words, phrases.... Other than something technological that was sucking me in... well now I'm back to me and my thoughts. Self-loathing. Lack of motivation. Things that would take a few minutes... well, that's too long.

Woke up this morning with low blood glucose and have had a brutal headache from it since then. Can't focus at work. So unproductive.

Thank goodness for my music...

[StarStrike]

I finally got up the courage to do another vlog episode. But part way through recording, I just burst into tears. I knew if I redid that part of the video I'd have the same result. So I kept the original recording. And now my boyfriend feels really guilty because he's trying his best to help me, but he himself acknowledged the fact that he doesn't fully understand what I'm going through and he doesn't know what else to do. I don't want him to feel guilty about not knowing how to help me. I already believe that what he already does for me is enough.

[nakitakunai]

Went to the doctor today (finally!!!), told her all about my depression, cried all my makeup off in the process, but it all went really well and now I'm trying out a new antidepressant. She was really nice and really funny too, and I am just feeling more and more optimistic about my future now. Plus, it's my birthday on Sunday, and I'm not dreading it as much as I used to! I might even resist the urge to deactivate my facebook for the day. :P

[Rose76]

Getting lazy. I'm not even depressed, which is usually the cause.

If anyone is lazy, its me, my room has had the same clothes on the floor for months, well maybe 2, and I just pick what I want to wear to wash, and the rest lays there.. yuck, well it could be worse...
i like my cat, but the hair and dust and litter box is gross, and he's getting to comfy on my bed. I hate cat hair... I'm blabbing about nothing..
I'd give him away, but he's declawed and been through enough in his life, don't know where he came from, but he obviously has a problem with being held or anything..
I'm so tired, not depressed really, no crying spells, but racing thoughts again...another bipolar episode? everything is too much work though, not like i have energy or any happiness

[Raggedy Man]

Blah.

[tigerlily84]

Feeling okay. Watching the opening ceremonies of the Olympics, but I think I'll go to bed soon.

Didn't really do anything today since I didn't have anything planned. But I did finish a video game :P so tomorrow I should probably figure out something to do instead of sleep the day away right? :/

[SomethingSomewhere]

I want to pull someone’s hair out. Mine maybe, but there are other targets I’d consider. I just got a new job this week after being unemployed for a month. I’m working in a local bookstore’s café. I felt really happy and excited when I was hired, since this was one of my preferred positions that I applied for (actually I just wanted to work in the bookstore, not the café, but I was just thrilled to get a job offer). Day 1 of training was tough, but that’s to be expected one the first day. There seemed to be so much information and I got overwhelmed. But I went home and thought about what I’d learned and what I needed to ask more questions about and I felt better this morning when I headed to work. Then there were problems.

(Skip to the end if you don't care about the details. This got longer than I expected.)

First: it’s an opening shift, so I’m up at o’dark hundred. Not a big deal by itself, but I have to walk through a mostly deserted part of town to get from my car to work (I have to pay for parking) and there was a creepy guy following my coworker this morning. That could just as easily be me.
Second: Our pilot light went out so we had to mess with the boiler or whatever it’s called and the label on the side said “don’t try to light the pilot light if you smell gas” and we definitely smelled gas but my trainer still tried to light it. I could have been blown up. Apparently this happens all the time. I just kept thinking “I don’t want to die for this stupid job” Why is lighting the boiler even my responsibility? Isn't there something in OSHA about my safety?
Third: I don’t understand, nor do I care, why it’s necessary to froth milk for espresso drinks. This is a difficult and superfluous action. If frothing milk somehow enhances the flavor of the drink then I imagine that it requires the milk frothing to be done with some amount of skill. As it is I wasted half a gallon of milk just trying to produce enough foam for one latte.
Forth: My trainer has no patience, and therefore should not be training. She talks very quickly and if I ask her to repeat herself she sighs heavily. If I ask her something that she covered earlier but I don’t remember she says, “remember I already told you?” And if I ask her something she thinks should be obvious she either laughs or says, “you should know that.”
Fifth: I dealt with no less than 3 crazy people today. Maybe that’s not the politically correct way of putting it, especially on this particular forum. I’m not sure how else to put it though. One seemed unaware of personal space boundaries and actually touched my shoulder. Maybe I’m overreacting but it seems uncomfortable when a customer touches me in a familiar way. The second one had some kind of breakdown over water or something and started babbling nonsense about Jesus until a manager came and walked her out of the store. The third was actually just demented, not crazy. Her dementia seemed pretty severe. My concern is that this person drove. How did she even remember where she was going? She couldn't even remember that she’d already ordered something half a minute prior.
Sixth: The recipes I’m expected to follow to make things like soups are incomplete, outdated, or have unclear directions. I’m supposed to be able to make these by myself without supervision. If all I have is a list of ingredients with no directions than I’m just going to throw them all in a pot. How am I supposed to know that the spinach goes last when it’s the first thing on the list? Or that there are no tomatoes in this recipe even though they are on the list?
Seventh: And most important, I can’t keep my multi-tasking in order. I have no order slips to work with, we don’t put names on coffee, we have no numbers for the tables, but I need to remember who ordered what, which one had the skim vrs which one had the whole, and where they’re sitting. Maybe for some people this seems easy. I can’t keep it straight.

That last bit had me thinking I’m an idiot. I had to remind myself of my college transcripts just to get through the day. But still, if I can’t do that one basic requirement for this job, should I really let myself stress and struggle to reprogram my brain for a part time minimum wage position? I have my application in at fifteen other places. I have a few more I’d like to apply for. I really think I’m going to quit.

[tigersassy]

Somethingsomewhere I would talk to a manager before I gave up. Make sure they are aware of these things. Especially the pilot light. That could result in no more business. And if it happens that often they should really be aware.As for the recipes ask if you can rewrite them so they are easier to follow. I completely understand the not being able to remember things. Maybe theres a memory trick you could use or make notes on scrap paper. Number the tables in your head.
Just checking in. Doing fantastic but my therapist and nurse really are leaning towards bipolar, I think. Guess I just have to deal until April 21. Which feels like it's forever away especially with me running a million miles an hour.

-Tig

[StarStrike]

I took away the dogs water bowl too late last night, resulting in her waking me up at four in the morning. I hadn't been asleep for long, when she started whining at the bed room door. I ignored her, but was unable to sleep while ignoring her. Eventually I got out of bed at eight in the morning to take her outside to pee. Then I went back to bed and slept until lunch time. I am exhausted. I want to go back to bed.

I guess I'm doing ok today. No great shakes. Today, ACA meeting then DBSA facilitators' meeting. Not sure what after that. Just hanging loose with my husband probably.

[Bark]

I should have checked that the Internet was working before posting. Or copied what I wrote. Preferably both.

I know I shouldn't play with my meds. My psychiatrist told me I should stick to my meds or stop them completely. I chose door #3. Hopefully it doesn't backfire. I'm seeing him next week. I worry that he'll get pissed off and decide to stop seeing me (and probably mark my record). I always put other people before myself. Well, almost always.

Perhaps because of the idea that this mighty work, I feel a bit better. I finally did the dishes and tidied up a bit. I'm going to do a bit more. If nothing else, at least I won't constantly be reminded of how lazy I am. And I'm not laying in bed.

[herethennow]

am doing okay. not too good, but okay. i finally received a job offer, which pays me well. but did not tell them that i'm on medication+receiving treatment+diagnosis though, so i don't know.

on the other hand, i feel like si-ing. at the back of my head my thoughts are telling me to execute a sui attempt.

so basically i'm just not too sure of what i really really feel at the moment.