Feeling of despair and worthlessness

Hi,

Well, I'm posting here without any hope or anything, I'm just doing it because... I don't know why. I don't even think that I'm really depressive. Anyway, let's get started.

I'm a 19 years old student from Algeria. I can't figure out what to say from here. There so much to say and nothing to talk about at the same time, but the point is that I no longer have any reason to live anymore (still, I'm not suicidal). It's not depression since I coped with that mental poison several years ago. I just can't see what good I can get from lengthening my life. I'm a social misfit, mocked all along my childhood. I tried to fix this, joining the sheep army, and it almost worked. I'm less ignored than before, people don't really hate me know, and some of them even appreciate me, but I still am different and not completely in the ranks, and I know that even if I was among those bastards, it wouldn't be satisfying.

Concerning studies, I'm barely floating on the surface. I manage to save myself the exam's eve, except this year where I know that I can't get through. The reason is simple : Every time I come from college, the only thing I can do is lay and sleep, or at least stay still on my pillow, down in the dumps. I'm not intelligent, I have no particular talent. No matter how far I go studying, my underdeveloped country doesn't offer any decent future, and other developed countries don't need people like.

I don't know what to do. No hope in society neither in studies, the two main basis nowadays. I'm just condemned carrying on a useless life with, as only entertainment, the cursed pleasure to see people live through a window as I lay despondent.

Sorry, I really don't know why I'm writing this (maybe the foolish hope that I will get attention like a little cute kitty). Some of you won't even consider this as an actual problem, but I just needed to... well I don't know.

Thanks for whoever wasted his time reading this.

Hey there. Welcome to PC sounds like you're having a real rough time. I just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone in barely floating in college.

It might not sound like depression to you but it sure sounds like it to me D: a lot of the symptoms you are experiencing sound very similar to me. Have you considered going to your university's health services? Mine were super friendly and helped me find a counselor and etc. In general, finding anyone you think you can trust would be good to talk to about. Maybe an adviser can help you think about a plan for the future?

): I hope things start to look up for you! Definitely keep us posted!

The university's health services doesn't exist in my magnificent university. I don't know if we really can call this a university. And I'd better abandon the idea of a shrink or any external help, since they are all quacks. My family, never had really had good relations with them, and to be perfectly honest, I consider them like threats. The only person who listens to my complaints is a friend of mine, but we don't have the same perspective about life.

Now I wonder what I should do. I clearly know that life like most people live won't suit me, and most of it has already passed me by. I need to know that we can live differently, out of the boundaries of society, since I made sure that I'm definitely antisocial.

By the way, thanks for the support, mate.

Hi Kamiomi, I've got to agree with keeprolling it does sound like depression from what you're saying. Of course depression can really alter your perspective on life but do you think that might be a good place to start? You do sound very "down" on yourself.
In terms of the "social misfit" and "not in the ranks" I'd say instead "different" (just as you have! ) and there absolutely doesn't have to be anything wrong with being different. In fact that's a unique quality you have about you and a quality others should value.
OK, you're saying that not many people do, but perhaps that's because you've not met enough of the "right" people yet. I'd say just try putting the one's who don't further from your mind, they don't really matter that much if they're not respecting/valuing you for who you are do they?! And maybe try to extend your social circle a little more to bring more people into you life who deserve to be there.
I know that might not be easy if you're feeling depressed but maybe little by little, bit by but........?
As for your college studies and you're "not intelligent" well if you're feeling depressed that's got to have a big impact on your performance hasn't it? So I'd say you've done very well getting to where you're at, now without the depression if that could be tackled a bit...........And alongside that have you tried talking to your tutors (?) about your difficulties, maybe they could support you a bit more or give you some advise on studying?
But whatever you are it is not unintelligent, remember that!! Different people are good at different things so maybe you're stronger in other "intellectual" areas. That's not to say you need to rule out the areas you're studying though, maybe get all the help and support you can, try different studying techniques and go from there.
As for careers maybe look into as many options as possible keeping an open mind, you might come across something you previously hadn't thought of that you may enjoy. And that's the most important thing isn't it, enjoying what you're doing?!!
And where did the "no talent" come from!! . Do you think maybe you haven't found a real interest/passion yet, everyone has something they are/going to be good at? Or perhaps you're underestimating things you are good at? Now that would be pretty common with depression.
And remember even if someone doesn't have a particular talent "to x degree" that absolutely doesn't make them any less important than anyone else and everyone will have their own special qualities.
So now, is there anyone in your life you can talk to about the way you've been feeling, anyone who can give you a little more support? As well as us!! I'm thinking maybe a little soon to be visiting your doctor, but what do you think? Do you think there are some other things you can be doing first to see if they help? Unless you think you need to see your doctor??
But regardless never sell yourself short!!!
Best wishes
Alison

All I can think to say is that I feel so much like you, despite living halfway around the world in a completely different reality. It's uncanny, really, how much we seek to find meaning in our lives... as if a defined purpose would be reason enough to toil onward. I don't have a helpful anecdote to give you as I'm still waiting for my own 'aha' moment, but I do know that I joined this community in hopes that other people could encourage me to not give up. Just keep swimming.

Hi. I don't mean to seem preachy, but. You're only 19. You have so much time to figure out what niche you fit into. Even if you find yours, if it's not a great fit, you can change it. And in doing so, you will find that your life will touch others in a good way.
Have you considered seeing a doctor to try out some meds? Because staying in bed to avoid stuff you have to do really is a sign of depression. I know, I did the same thing.
Keep posting. It's good to get your feelings down and out.

Hmm. Part of the reason that it is so scary is that the world expects you to be ready. And to know what you want, to make decisions that will affect the rest of your life when only a year ago you had to raise your hand to even ask to use the bathroom. And plus when you feel this way, especially since you have your whole life ahead of you, instead of looking like hope it looks more like a monster ambling towards you. It's pretty terrifying. I can definitely understand the feeling of looking into a bleak future or something that doesn't even resemble a future, but more of an abyss.

Anyway, Kamiomi, I wouldn't lump all therapists and external help as fake. Especially in the times that I needed help the most, I really couldn't help myself. And so I've had to depend on plenty of people that I didn't know and hoped that they understand my situation to give me slack in academics and some sort of healing so that I could improve. And eventually I did. I can understand if they seem threatening but I would suggest giving them a chance because if you're looking for hope, you may find it in the oddest of places. In particular, if you're having trouble I would try to talk to a school adviser. I promise they've seen stuff like this before and can help create a plan of attack for you.

It's definitely good to let these sorts of feelings out though so definitely feel free to talk with us and your friend--even if they don't share the same views as you.

Alright, I'm not exactly sure what kinds of lives that people live since I'm not out of college yet either but I can say that there are millions of ways to live your life and I'm sure you can find one that will suit your needs

And no worries! We're here for you

About external help, it's really impossible for me to get. I specified in my first post that I lived in Algeria, what means that doctors, school advisers or therapists are incompetents, assuming that they really exist. When I was a child, I had critical breathing problems, I was spending my nights coughing, and my days barely able to move. I've seen dozens of doctors, generalists, specialists, from different cities, and nobody gave a f***. They pretended examining me, and tossed a random diagnosis. I just had to hang on for years until my problems disappeared on their own. All of this to say that I have to cope with it on my self, and not relying on anyone.

To do this, I'll have to make a move, and that's the problem : I don't know what to do next. I've tried several things, and I stumbled on a conclusion : nothing interests me.

To be precise, future doesn't terrify me. While thinking about it, I just feel sad and alone, like if I was wandering in a wasteland. There's nothing behind, nothing ahead, so I just lay there sleeping, and waiting for... nothing.

If you choose meds, you need a prescription and seeing any doctor will get you that. Even if you consider them to be incompetent.
The way I saw it, I needed medication before my life got bad enough to not want to be here. And you won't see any future until you get this under control.
If you spend any time here, you will see that your symptoms are not unfamiliar.
And you're not alone here.

I would definitely consider medication at this point because it seems to me like your depression has sucked the joy and fun out of everything.

I feel like sophiesmom is spot on. You are among people who have had felt the same sense of apathy that you have right now. And I really couldn't tell you how it turns out without external help because I turned to medication and counseling as well before I finally started to feel a little better. For me, the hole that I was in was so deep I couldn't get out myself.

Medication helped give me a more even playing field so that I COULD begin to function a little more normally again. And that's the boost I really needed (and probably would have died without). Mainly, I just want to say that you should seek out help from a more professional source and really just see how it goes.

Best of luck!

You're not writing stuff that wastes anyone's time.
You are going to come out the other side of this - try and get antidepressants and counselling but what I really want to say is how beautiful you are past the worst of thoughts and feelings.

get well

I'll say it once again : there NO WAY I go see a psychiatrist. In the best case, those bastards will kill me with an overdose. Besides, I don't have the money for it.

I'm sorry Kamiomi. I did not say "psychiatrist."

I hope you find what you need on this forum. Best wishes whatever path you choose.

Ok, thanks for the support.

the first thing that struck me about this post was you saying that you have lots to say, but their's nothing really to talk about

made me feel straight away that perhaps you're like me... you've tried forever to get across how you're feeling, but it's just not working- no one seems interested so you're like, what the hell.

you're lucky you study- i actually envy you. because of the extent of my illness, i've not been able to study (or do anything much) for ever.

can't hold anything down

my biggist concern is always the future. people ask me where do you want to be in 5, 10 years time, and i can't even answer where i'd see myself in like a month

hugs

Seems serious. Which decease are you talking about ?

for me it's been 1 thing after another.

you know... you think you can deal with something, then something else comes along, and that keeps on going until your life is screwed