I did something dumb

I hardly remember anything about last night.. Last thing I remember is feeling more depressed than I've ever felt. I drank a lot last night. Probably more than I've ever drank (counting by the number of empty bottles). I don't remember taking pills, but I found pills on the floor. I woke up on the bathroom floor with a horrible head and stomachache. I also puked up.

I didn't try to kill myself.. At least not intentionally. I just wanted to feel something other than sadness.. I'm scared to tell my psychiatrist because I really don't want to be committed. I just feel like a worthless loser.

We all make mistakes but we need to own those mistakes. Of all the people to tell our psychiatrists are at the top of the list because they are the ones we should be able to tell anything too.

Having recently been released from a hospitalization program I can tell you honestly it was a great experience and I am so thankful that I was able to do it. You may be afraid of that but it can be a great experience if you are open to it.

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Yeah drinking when I was already depressed never worked out to good.

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I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I wish there was a formula to follow to tell us what to do in these situations... unfortunately, life isn't that simple. I'm probably offering advice that wasn't asked for... but I was in your shoes once.

If I were you... I would look at the bottom line.

Do you think you will find yourself in the same situation again? Intentional or not... ?

If this incident scared you enough to realize that you need a new manner in which to deal with these feelings... then, no I wouldn't be in a rush to get everyone in my business.

If there is a possibility of a repeat, then... yes, I would talk to someone. Next time you might not get so lucky. ...Yes, I do think waking up on the floor was luck. ****** as it sounds.. it was very good luck.

No one wants to go into the hospital. It's scary and restrictive. But more often than not, it is what's best for you and your safety.

However, you must do what YOU feel is best for you.. and only you can decide that. I'm sorry I couldn't offer better advice or more comfort. Just know that you aren't alone and people care about you.

Everything paynful said.

(((samuli))))

I decided to tell my therapist about that entire event tomorrow. (my therapist is also my psychiatrist). I'm not going to repeat what I did. It was just a moment of desperation. Apparently drinking is a horrible idea while depressed.

To that I'd have probably responded with 'no **** Sherlock' but then I'm a tad on the black humoured cheeky side... so may not have gone down so well with your T/pdoc.

On that note though, kinda concerned with the lack of recollection on pills taken and the headache/stomachache. Did he/she express any concern/checked things out to ensure you hadn't badly od'd?

I hope you're ok and things improve

Oh I apparently worded my post wrongly. I'm going to see her tomorrow. Though I'm pretty sure that I didn't take all that many pills, since I counted them after. It's possible i just knocked the pills to the floor. (they are next to bathroom sink). I hardly ever drink so I'm pretty sure that the blackout was due to my drinking.

Good for you for deciding to tell all. I think it is really important we have someone safe we can tell everything to.
In my drinking days I usually never drank when I was depressed for some reason I didn't want to, I just wanted to sleep. But the times that I did it was ugly. It just made me twice as depressed and suicidal. One time I grabbed a twelve pack and drove my truck up to the foot hills and just started driving around corners as fast as I could. I finally went over a big steep embankment and landed on all four tires between two trees. That sobered me up and I was ok driving home. Did I do it intentionally? Yes and No. I didn't think conscientiously at the time that i want to kill myself, but today I look at it as a definite attempt.

Decided to post an update. My psychiatrist suggested that I go to an open psychiatric ward for a while and I agreed. It's like a 8-5 ward and then you can go home to spend the evening and sleep the night. However I've been feeling actively suicidal and I decided that a closed ward might be better. I'm definitely at risk to myself. I'm moving to that closed ward later tomorrow.

Drinking in my experience only makes things much, much, much worse. Its so easy to drink away depression and problems, but its very temporary and when you come to, the depression is far worse than the night before. Its a dangerous cycle you do not want to do to yourself.

I wouldn't be afraid of being in patient, especially if they are good and honorable doctors that won't dismiss you if you tell them you are not ready to be discharged.

Hang in there.

Good for you for realizing what you need.

Best of luck and post when you can.

Stay strong.

It sounds like you have a very understanding p-doc that's a good thing. Going to the open ward helps demystify the hospital and clearly helped you make some positive choices to get the right level of help.

Kudos to you for taking some action and going to the psych ward.

Decided to post an update because i really need to vent.. I pretty much suffered a total mental breakdown in march. I ended up spending nearly 3 weeks in a psych hospital and left with a diagnosis of gad, severe depression (without psychosis) and ptsd. I pretty much moved back to my parents and I had to take a gap year from school. I had to give my very extensive home 'pharmacy' to my sister because I'm not certain I could use them properly if I feel bad enough.

I've been feeling a lot of guilt, shame and self hate. Why I didn't do something about my depression sooner.. Am I ever going to graduate? I also feel like a leech living with my parents. I'm 21 after all... Thankfully my parents have been a lot more understanding after talking with my psychiatrist.

((((samuli))))

When in the throws of deep depression, it isn't usually possible to look at yourself clearly enough to do something about it.

School will be there.

Glad your parents seem to sound supportive and understanding, as does your sister.



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It takes a lot of courage getting help, especially when that help is spending time in hospital. You need your family and good support from them will make a huge difference to you. I'm sure they don't think you a leech and that all they care about is seeing you well. It can be hard losing some of the independence you had before, but you will get it back again when you go back to school. The gap year is a good idea as it allows you the time to rest, recover, get back on track, continue with your treatment etc without affecting your grades.

I agree with painful. You were lucky in a way that you woke up. I would take that as a wake up call and talk to your therapist about this. I know you don't want to go to a hospital, but you may need to do what it may take to get better. Best of wishes.

I am fifty. 18 months ago I was forced to move home with my parents. 6 months ago I lost my only source of income, unemployment. I have worked and supported myself my whole life. 15 of the last 20 months I spent in severe depression. Suicidal much of the time.

Screw shame. This is a very serious and dangerous thing we are dealing with. It is not our fault. We need all the help we can get. I too feel like a huge burden and I don't like it. I would be perfectly happy curled up in a ball suicidal in my own house (which I have) if I could pay my own bills. Not the way it is right now.

You will graduate. You will have to be much more patient.

Stay away from the drugs and alcohol. If you can't get help for that.

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Hey there . My heart is with you . I never used to drink until I had depression. Two years into it, I just couldn't take it anymore and started going to my local pub. I'm glad you woke up at your place. I made the mistake of drinking and going back to my office, bumping into colleagues along the way, and puking in the toilets at my workplace. I get concerned about my drinking, because I get addicted to stuff super easily and my dad was an alcoholic for years. All the best to you. Is it a regular occurrence yet, or just a once-off?

Today I had a minor medical emergency (related to my physical illness) and I had to self administer an emergency dose of iv oxycodone for pain. Anyways my emergency passed and everything is now okay. But for a second some part of me wanted to inject the ENTIRE bottle of iv oxycodone... I don't know what I would have done if I had been alone in the house at that time.

I'm considering asking my pdoc for emergency appointment, but on the other hand I don't feel all that suicidal anymore..

I feel for you on that one . I have had suicidal thoughts before, but never really been tempted like that before though. I did have something similar once though, when I thought I was going to die after an accident one day, but was disappointed for a moment when I realised I didn't. That frightened me, because at that point I had no depression or anything, the feeling came totally out of the blue. It's only after that which I realised there must have been years of emotional pain hidden in me somewhere that never had the chance to come out and I was getting a first glimpse of what was really going on inside me. A year later though, I developed major depression after some events in my life, and now I have suicidal thoughts regularly.