4 years gone

andddd my father didnt stop lolololol i really have no break, do i?

so good when i cant even count on my therapist

What happened with your therapist?

Hello, Elektra_. What are you going to do? If you are not receiving professional help, why not? If you are, does your treatment team know what is going on?

Getting better requires your participation.

I wish you well.

whatever i want is wrong. i shouldnt want anything. i shouldnt expect anything. i shouldnt even be.

all i ever wanted was to ****ing die. why cant i just really?

guess i cant even get an internship bc i spend years not working on my field of study lolol even less get a job. i cant do anything. im so ****ed.

some *****es have it all others have nothing. its just how this shi.t works!!

what i have to say is never important. im no one after all. people have no respect for me. people think im a moron caz i have no life. i have no control over anything. i just need to die.

I wish life were black and white. It would be simpler to understand. But it is not, there are many shades

I can relate. I haven't done anything in over 3 years now. Never had a job. No friends. Haven't really gone outside alone my entire life. I feel like something is missing in my head. I wonder why I am still alive. I even understand the no respect thing. It's not like I have earned any respect though so.

I'm not really worthy of respect.

Any thoughts I have aren't really valuable or up for discussion. I get shamed by my family. I am nothing but shame. People seem to shame me without having to speak. Or it's more like the lack of speak is how they shame me. Isolation as a form of shaming. I am rather useless at anything I try to do. People will tell me I am not but I just automatically assume everyone is lying to me. They all think to themselves. (This guy is real useless.) I tend to agree. I have no skills. People ask me. What do I do with my life.

I usually just say, "nothing."

Then they give me the usual expected comments where they show their arrogance.

I've seen it all before.

some were born to succeed others were born for failure. failure its my name.

sometimes it's difficult to be grateful when you feel no one cares about you. but what you 'feel' may not be true. you have a computer connected to the internet. you have a father who supports you. sometimes crying is not all there is to do.
so "failure" is your name. you think you're the only one w/ that name?
take your failure and write a book, make a website or a blog - and sell it.
boo-hooing is like a major web and tv enterprise. you're not dumb -

lol father supportive? where did u read that? grateful? for???? u dont know me sooo

should be dead not doing one more year

I developed this friendship with someone that felt exactly like you described in that first post when I first met her. I was going through depression at the time, but not quite as bad as her. We were both miserable and used to sit around listening to Elliott Smith. I still think of her every time I hear "I didn't understand."

"... my feelings never change a bit
I always feel like ****
I don't know why, I guess that I just do"

And maybe it was self-reinforcing or not healthy but it was beautiful in its melancholy sometimes. She got better a few years after we went our separate ways, but I remember that time with a kind of fondness now. Maybe that's weird and there's something wrong with me

There are clearly people here who understand how you feel, and probably people near you that you could be friends with you if you decide to reach out.

You're not totally alone even if this is just the internet. Sometimes people who feel the worst in life have the most poignant things to say and sharpest insight on the world. That absolutely has value especially to people going through the same things. Please keep sharing. I've just started reading here, and it breaks my heart to see people feeling this bad but in a way it's comforting to know that I'm not just some isolated defective cog grinding all the machinery around me to a halt. There are many of us, and we've been where you are before or are there now.

I still have a sliver of hope that I'm going to get better. I hope you can get there too. I hope all of us can.

Is it actually your birthday? Happy birthday

yes it was. thanks

Happy (belated) birthday _Elektra!

thanks

why would anyone choose me? im nothing. nobody

The pain in your words comes through so clearly to me...hopefully someone will choose you...depression, for me, makes me feel very unworthy and very useless. Anyone might choose you because you're human too, and likely have some good qualities...we all have at least one...it's just this darn disease that tricks us into thinking that we don't amount to much of anything to anyone...

In response to your three questions in the signature -
I'm a husband and a father
I'm afflicted with depression
I don't want to live this way

in 27 years no one ever chose me so im guessing im 100% shi.t. but thanks for ur reply

once again if my life depended on my T i would be ****ing dead by now. so great i cant count on anyone. wtf am i doing alive ? lol

((((Elektra))))