[stefano]

Hello,
it's many days I want to post but many people here seem to have worse situations than mine... Moreover I always sit at the PC on late night, when I feel better, so I don't feel entitled to post. Anyway, I need to say something: I am 35 years old, and I feel I have wasted half of my life. Even if I am determined to be less solitary and more active in the second half, I can only think about the years I have wasted, that my life is so short, and that I will die screaming in regret for a meaningless existence.
Since we are not talking in person, I'll uncover my most shameful secret: I never had ANY sexual contact with a woman. Yes, I'm a damn virgin. That is the amount of my life's failure. I've been able to get a law degree (just because everybody consedered it a good choice), but no girl at all, and just a fistful of friends that I now only see rarely.

These problems take the form of clinical depression, diagnosed and under treatment (both meds and and psychotherapy). But that doesn't save me from recurring depressive episodes(even if I'm pretty sure the antidepressants soften the symptoms). So also this Xmas I am in depression (4th weeks). I wake up terribly anxious, I can't eat until late afternoon, I cry often and I always think about what it will feel like to die, old and desperate. Moreover, I CAN'T pause working (because it's the family business).

But as I said, I have a good economical situation, a mostly supportive family, good health (except depression), and paradoxically this is the thing that scares me most: how will I survive when life will challenge me really? I feel I'll get crushed. So the attempts to "live out" more always come out of desperation, and my life is still lived under the sign of fear.
Well, I will not go further. Thank you for reading anyway.

[woods]

first of all. im my opinion theres no right age when to have sex. i think that most men do it young becaue their pressured. but i have no idea sense im not a man. i cant really grasp what your feeling because im not in the same position but atleast your protecting yourself from all those wonderful things like aids, herpes, ect. theres always upsides and downsides to everything.

[woods]

oh no i didn't finish my post.....okay going on, i dont think your old ethier, only 35. id have to say maybe when your 70 i might see you as a tad bit old. but every gets old anyways. well its definately good that you have a T and have had some treatment. life is crap. thats how i feel. you know everyday is a challenge and by getting up and going to work and coming home...youve just won that challenge. everything has regrets. i say live while your alive. because you never know when you'll die.

hi stefano.

firstly, well done for opening up. it isnt easy, i know.

even though i am not your age, i am a mere 19 year old male, i too am a virgin. it does get to me most days as i long for female intamacy. but the way i see it, stefano, is that i am saving myself for that one special woman who i KNOW i will meet. the same goes for you. you will meet someone one day who will sweep you off your feet. and when the two of you make love it will seem so much more special for you. sex shouldnt be something that people just do all the time with anyone. to me it is far more special, it shows love for someone. i will never have one night stands with people. and i know the same goes for you. it is not a bad thing to be a virgin at your age, you arent even old. you still have so much life ahead of you, to live exactly how you want to live it. only you can change your life, only you can live your life. please, dont sit back and expect life to improve, because it wont, life has to be worked for, to be "earned". we are responsible for our own happiness, no one else.

and like i said, when you meet that special person that you want to spend the rest of your life with, and you make love to her, it will make everything so much more important and special to you, and that is the best feeling in the world, and is worth so mcuh more than just having sex with strangers.

simon

Hi.....I'm glad you found PC and decided to post about your depression. Being a virgin isn't a sin. I think it's just fine. I agree with Simon's post. Sex isn't a recreational sport.

I am glad that you have a supportive family. But do you have a therapist? Do you see someone IRL that you can talk to and get feedback from? I highly recommend that you find a professional and make an appointment.

I have major depression and this time of the year is worse for me.Depression is horrid at any time and Christmas seems to really hit us. I miss pasts holidays and find myself having a pity party occasionally. I'm doing my best to keep moving forward this year.

I hope you will continue to post, as the more you post the more support you will get. There are tons of really caring people here as you will find out. xoxoxo Pat

[Anony]

I'm glad you finally opened up and talked about the problems you are feeling. First of all, I can't feel what you're feeling, but if successfully completed law school (whether it was actually your choice or not) then that's something. I wouldn't consider your life a waste. Secondly, what are some of the things you wanted to accomplish in your life? Instead of dwelling on the past, maybe you should start doing some of the things that you originally wanted to now. And on the issue of sex, I don't think there is an age too old to be a virgin. It's not something you need to rush into. I'm only 22 (and a female), but I haven't found anyone 'special' enough to be with intimately, nor am I in any rush. Someday you'll find that special someone and the wait will be worth it.

[FaithisAlive]

Welcome to PC... what the others have said already is so true.... there is no right age...please don't feel like a failure... and yes, you have a right to talk about whatever is bothering your spirit.

It doesn't matter how big or how small it may seem to you.. nobody is here to compare problems.... anything that bothers you is important and gives you the right to complain all you want to.

I hope you keep on talking.... and I hope you figure out a way to make time for yourself... it is so important to take care of yourself emotionally... and companionship at the very least would be good for you.

Wishing you the best... Faith

[stefano]

Thank you all for your attention, I appreciate it a lot.
Strange it may saound, the issue of visrginity is not a sexual one, but the problem that it has not been a chosen condition, but resulted from lack of social skills. There have been girls I would have liked to know better, but I was too worried, anxious and shy to speak out. And now, at my age, I can't target girls anymore, I must shift to women, while my emotional maturity stopped developing 20 years ago... It's going to be tough, but I'm determined now, and I have moved steps in that direction already. My T (I realized T means therapist, right?) agrees.

Currently, my depressive episode is still going, even if the symptoms seem to remain on the background. It never felkt like this before, normally when it gone it's just gone. It may be the new antidepressant (duloxetine, by the way) that is working better that the previous one. This way I can cope while I wait for the storm to be over.
Having a place like this one to speak to people who can really understand is great. Finally I can say I'm depressed without somebody replying stubbornly "C'mon, look what a beautiful day!"
Thanks again

P.S. I forgot to mention, I'm italian, not american. Should you notice some weird syntax or bad grammar, that is the reason.

I am so glad that you're seeing a T (therapist )....your writing is just fine.........I feel that you are on the right path and by working to make your life better, things will turn around.

Depression is something that I've dealt with for most of my adult life and things can get better. Keep posting and talking to us......Pat

[wanting]

First let me say well done on earning your Law degree.
Im a 35 yr old male i have had 3 partners and two of them where one night stands.My last relationship ended 9 months ago and lasted 7 yrs.I would trade those seven yrs for a law degree witch i have tried to gain three times over the years but it has been depression wich has pulled me back each time.Now however after three recent suicide attempts i am finally getting the help that i need.
You mention also that you think your meds might be sometimes agravating you situation,i was speaking to a p/doc yesterday just before i came home from hospital and she said that she thought my meds have been doing the same to me,it is just a suggestion and of course i am in no way qualified to say the same in your case but you should mention this to your doc.
Take care

I agree with all who have posted & I was especially moved by Simon's post. You will make some girl/woman very happy to be with you. Your sensitivity is refreshing & so rare.

My brother was a virgin until he was 40, when he got married. He was always kinda a "geek" & was very bright, as you sound stefano. He met his wife at a contra dance. He pursued his passions (engineering, has several patents), contra dancing, teaching at a local community college, book groups, swimming, etc. & that is very attractive to a woman. Keep your life full of interests & you'll meet people who share them & relationships can develop. It also helps to have a focus other than just trying to get to know someone when you are shy. You already have a topic you both are interested in to discuss.

For example, I have met many people playing tennis & several marriages & romances have started on the tennis court with couples playing mixed doubles.

I'm probably very rare as I married my high school sweetheart. We've been married for 32 years & he has put up with my mental illness & sometimes irrational behavior. He must be a saint cuz I wouldn't like to be married to me.--Suzy

[abilifyguy]

Of course you have a right to speak up. That's what this forum is for. Your life has not been wasted, but you have much to look forward to that you have not experienced yet. I'm a 46yo male and I've been in a committed relationship for 12 years. It helps immeasurably with battling depression. However, when you've been with someone a long time, sex becomes a very small issue. Companionship is the most important thing, as I'm sure you are aware. It's the thing you want most. It helps with anxiety, too! Having someone to share your life with is a great goal that I hope you will do all that you can to pursue. You have great resources within yourself as you've already demonstrated by making yourself complete a degree and by seeking help for your depression and anxiety. You can overcome the obstacles to finding a relationship, too! It's very hard, I know. I was 34 before I was able to do it. Believe in the wonderful future you can have, and go for it!
Best of luck and best wishes. We will all be cheering for you!

what a wonderful bunch of posts these are......Merry Christmas all! xoxoxo pat

[Brookester]

Dear Stefano!

You are not alone. My husband married me and he was 42 and a virgin and also an attorney. I respected the heck out of him. He had issues that he was and is still working on as we all have our stuff to deal with. I am a rape and incest survivor so that complicated things, too. True love which I know you will find knocks down these tall barriers and makes it possible for two people to share and be close and with the warm heart that you have, you won't have a problem loving a lucky woman. Keep up the positive momentum and the therapy and doing good things for yourself. You truly do deserve the best!

[(JD)]

Glad you began posting... I sure wouldn't think to compare your own suffering against another's imo. What might be easy for you might be difficult for me and vice versa... it is just what each person is struggling with...

as for complaining, well, anyone can do that... not sure we need a right to... what is more important is what does complaining do to help you? Is it in your best interest to view things that way?