Confused about how I should feel/be

-snip-

Doesn't matter, ignore this.

We really care and don't mind listening to you when you need us to.

At this point I'm too apathetic to even be confused about how any "authority" prescribes I "should" feel.

Hi ToeJam, I wouldn't put too much focus on how you "should" feel. Everyone is different anyway, different circumstances, different experiences, different perspectives..........what really matters is how you do feel. And.....if you want to talk a bit more.......we're around, we care!!
Alison

we do care

Maybe you are rumination over your emotions TJ, I do this all the time but I am just guessing at this point. Please re-post and spill the beans. Best wishes.

Basically said that I'm struggling with it all right now. T noted I'd seemed to have taken a back step in light of improvement since we started... felt bad and guilty about it.

I know Rohag has talked about the whole battle of wanting to please those in authority as he puts it before... and yeah, I guess I've been trying to in some ways whilst wanting it to be true. Things had been more stable... but a few 'that's life' situations cropped up and chopped me off at the knees and I just feel like my resolve and motivation is having big moments of giving up completely.

Been significant times during this week that I've just wanted to end it... for two days I didn't eat (which is not like me at this age, I'm a muncher... but it felt reminiscent of my youth when I did have an eating disorder... I'm a good 5 stone heavier than I was then and I don't fancy adding that to my problems)... was looking at my lunch, breakfast (bought) and just had no wish to touch them... forced down a sandwich today.... and managed some soup tonight.

On top of that, I have a gp appointment coming up next week... and been wondering whether to just cancel it... dr too seems fixated on the improvement and last time I saw him 3 weeks ago seemed dismissive of my concerns... so yeah... crock of crap sums up my expectations right now.

Was reeling a little earlier today, said something I shouldn't of and edited that bit out too... gaylegg was kind enough to edit her post in turn.

All emptied out, so probably a good thing I'm off to get some sleep.

Thanks for the messages.

What am I doing or saying wrong?

Been a prevailing silence to stuff I put down these days and it’s confusing me. Am I giving off some aura of attention seeking?

Genuinely asking… as I’m getting anxious each time I log on to check for a reply… not sure if it’s the way I write… that I’m not giving off the impression that I’m hoping for advice… some insight on how to proceed.

Bit sick of just flailing about in my head trying to find answers to my questions… but if it’s tiring for others, it might hurt, but I’d rather know than seeing nothing when I do actually elaborate.

I hope that doesn’t seem like a rant, accusation… or attack… I know, I really do, that others here are struggling, have their own problems, their own doubts and concerns… just tired and hurt by silence.

Sorry for any deluded expectations on my part... or lack of compassion, understanding or anything else that I'm currently just blind to

((((((((( TJ )))))))))
I always welcome your posts and I know many others do too.
(as I think you said to me, if anyone finds your stuff triggering then that is about them, not you. It's theirs to work on (or not). I've only found you kind and respectful, and deserving of the same ).

I don't find you "attention seeking" or any of those negative labels and I doubt anyone else does You're cared about and valued here

Sometimes people don't check back to threads...(?) I haven't been reading in this forum as much lately but always look for your posts

Please don't delete this post? Your posts help me and I'm sure others

"dr too seems fixated on the improvement" - maybe he likes to have a neat peg to hang things onto.....

Nothing! Speaking for myself, your account of the interactions between you and your private therapist are absorbing. I keep looking for the next installment.

Nevertheless my powers of attention are erratic, and I too often forget to look for that next installment or, worse, not notice it when it's right in front of my eyes.

I regret getting wrapped up in the content (and other things, like bunnies in the neighbourhood ) and failing to respond in some way that sends the message your posts are noticed.

Part of the problem inheres in this mode of communication. If we were together in the same room, we would be sending all sorts of nonverbal messages to one another enfolding the verbal exchange. This forum board can't duplicate that.

Please keep posting, friend!

I read your posts TJ. I have been feeling better lately and I notice myself totally avoiding the depression section. I don't feel right about it and even started a thread on it. I didn't title it well.

I often check to see if anyone has responded to threads I have started looking for validation. I have noticed that sometimes this section is very active and sometimes not. There are a million reasons why people do not respond to posts. That have nothing to do with you. As many people that there are that belong to this forum there are only a small handful that are pretty active in this section. The addiction section is basically dead which I don't like, but this is a mental health forum and there are plenty of addiction forums. Anyway. I also notice that certain times of day are very inactive. People are working, dealing with kids, and so on. I only have time to notice these things and post because I am not working and this summer hopefully I will be much busier and not be able to come here as much. I have noticed to that there are tons of nonmembers looking at this section all the time. We must be helping someone.

As far as what you are going through. I have followed you progress with your T and you are making remarkable progress. Sure we are going to have setbacks. A lot of heavy stuff comes up. If you believe in god there is a saying "that god never gives us any more than we can handle". Poppycock I often say to that because it feels like a lot more than I can handle.

As far as your GP goes. I know how you feel. I always think that everyone expects that I am going to be doing better when I am not. I started keeping a mood log and just hand it to my pdoc to read. He likes the idea a lot and reads it even if it is real long. I can't remember how I was doing last week and I always forget what I want to say and I tend to want to say I am doing better when I am not. My mood log doesn't lie and he sees what is really going on. It has been a huge help. Be totally honest with him because it is not fair to him to do otherwise. He can only help you if you are honest. Forget about what expectations you think he might have.

Speaking of that when I am feeling better I tend to totally ignore my mood log. Which I shouldn't do because I need to be able to look back and see that I was doing good and what worked.

Here is the thread I started on here about forums and posting.

http://forums.psychcentral.com/depre...holy-crap.html

Hi ToeJam, well I'd say that your T could have been a bit more supportive/sensitive if she felt you had taken a back step. But that could as much show that you are actually progressing. In therapy things can often get a lot harder before "real" improvement, and that can just be part of the process. It just shows that you are opening up about and maybe facing/challenging some personal/painful things, which is good.
As for your G.P. appointment could you cancel (wait for it!!) and rebook for another time in the day/day with another G.P. in the surgery if the one you're seeing really isn't listening. Otherwise, only alternative would be to make them listen. Voice your concerns as loudly and assertively (not easy I know, but...) as you have to.
There will be a crisis team in your area somewhere though, so if you're having a real hard time then do you think you could call them? In fact it might not at all be a bad thing if you did and could get some ongoing help from them, as your G.P. doesn't seem to be as "experienced" with supporting you as they would be. Now they should be "on the ball"!!
I know it's got to be really hard for you though, and with depression even the "simplest" things can seem like a mountain. Just try, and try, and try to remind yourself that in the bigger picture/compared with how you're feeling anyway, they don't have to take that much away from you. Much easier said than done I know but............
As for the eating, glad you're seeming to be breaking through with that, just a little
This time (if not the last time??) it certainly seems to be linked with the depression but were there any techniques/strategies you used the last time to help you eat e.g. agreeing on a certain number of calories per day, a certain number of "snacks", certain foods??

As for not getting many replies, No, you're not saying or doing anything wrong in my opinion. I'd say that you're giving great feedback about how it is for you.
For me, since I've been back over the last few months and caught some of your threads, I have missed answering on your last couple (?) of threads because I thought the advise you'd got was so much better than anything I could add. But thoughts are with you ToeJam.
Alison

Hang in there ToeJam. All of us have felt the way you do. Checking back on posts you've made and waiting for a response.
There are so many threads, it's hard to keep up.
I often feel "flat" for lack of a better word.
Sometimes I feel like a jerk for feeling the way I do when I know there are others that are worse off.

TJ. I would really take much notice of what gp's have to say, because mental illness is a whole other area. We all get punched in the guts with depression, and being realistic, I think your T and GP are a bit unrealistic about your improvement. We all have times where we think our depression is moving slowly away but as a realist, depression can be for me like snakes and ladders. I dont want to be the glass half empty type person but your problems are not going to be solved within a certain time fame. This is your life and if you feel sh1tty, then its to bad if the T doesnt like it. Be yourself, you are trying to make sence of this whole depression thing and it will take time. Please keep telling yourself that the bad thoughts do pass. Best wishes.

How are you doing today ToeJam ?

Anxiety is down... partly being due to the weekend. Overall mood is pretty crap though... not so much intrusive thoughts, just general attitude towards point and all that crap

My motivation to write (one of the things I laid down to keep me going) has dried up... block I guess. Went to my archery class (doing beginners and been considering becoming a member of the club); was just a case of going through the motions.. didn't really want to be there but at the same time acknowledged that that is due to where I'm at with depression... so went anyway... to do otherwise would = the likelihood of not going later on due to embarrassment of missing and having to give some lame arse excuse

Sorry that I can't say things have eased up... but going into the numb stage right now which I suppose is better than panic and other crap.

Thanks for asking, I appreciate it.

As for the comment from Pierro about the gp. You're right... but he is my only link to the medical side of what's going on. Seeing a pdoc just doesn't happen unless things go really tits up and yeah... if it gets to that stage (which I'm battling against hard, with experience and dread), I'd have probably totally lost the plot.

It does leave me feeling a tad on the isolated side though... I feel like being 'honest' would just be construed as 'making a meal' of things and so I probably don't elaborate enough nor say it as it is. Stupid, but I put the mask on... probably to save myself from hurt of being dismissed.

@zinco: I used to write down notes for my gp as I didn't feel comfortable saying it... that was back in November/December time. But things eased up in Jan and Feb and I feel he has latched onto that.... no current motivation to write down notes... as I just don't know what to say anymore.

Spoken to Fuzzy/Rohag and Frankbtl via other medium on here so I hope they don't mind me not regurgitating what was discussed in this post.

I really appreciate the messages given... and I'm sorry that I kind of broke down a little bit on the first page :s

Hi ToeJam, good that the anxieties down!! As for the other feelings, I know it must be really hard but it can take some time for them to lift a bit more, particularly after how you've been feeling, but at least you're breaking through a little, just try to remember and keep a hold of that.
And you do seriously have some great insight- maybe more than you think!!
You have pushed yourself to go to archery class despite......;you are acknowledging that it didn't go that well- not because of the class, not because of you, but because of the depression, and you were fighting it in not letting it make it harder for you to return another time!!
And kind of "nail on the head" here (!!), if it's true: "so I probably don't elaborate enough nor say it as it is. But I put the mask on"
You've recognised something that's probably not helping which is great, and that's something you can change!! OK, might not be easy.......might be hard........but.........
You know there's NO "making a meal of things" when your talking feelings as real as yours. They really do matter!! They really are important!! YOU really are important!!
And anyway, you know if we care (which we do!!) why shouldn't other people??!! Particularly if it's their job, like your G.P's- so going to tell them a little more/or try to??
As for the writing do you think it may help to just write down anything without even trying to concentrate and see where it goes?? Then even if at the end of it there's only one sentence you think "maybe" then that's something!! Then maybe another time it could go to two "maybe"'s??
Then, it might even give you some recognition/connection/satisfaction (?) just by reading things you've already written, without writing for now.
As for talking to your G.P I really can get that you may find it difficult talking about things (even lack motivation to try?) and it would be easier with notes. But if you're finding it difficult to write down how you're feeling perhaps go through some of your threads or other people's threads and see if anything resonates with you that you can jot down. Might be a bit easier???
Alison

(((((TJ)))))

I understand this. There are times I want so much to get a response and...nothing. But then too I'm guilty of being unable to think of anything to say, especially when I'm feeling really down. I try to tell myself that's part of the reason for lack of responds, that others are having a hard time, but usually I go right to, what's wrong with me? Especially if I feel I poured my soul into a posting. But here no one can see me crying over a hard posting and unless I spell that out no one really knows how hard it was. I think we all have times when we get more sensitive, especially when we have nothing else to keep us distracted. Hang in there. I for one can relate to many of your postings.

Possible break through and understanding this morning (of something I can tell the doctor). Will try to explain this as best I can, as I don't think my mental facilties are firing off 100%

Woke up 20mins ago

At this minute, things are empty but clear which I attribute normally to 'I'm fine'... I'm not concerned with point, not concerned with anything... it's a limbo. Back of my brain really hurts though, like part of my brain has just given up (hippocampus? Not sure if any else here know much about different sections of the brain). I know my T has brought this up before but I just can't put a finger on the significance as like I said... can't think @ 100%.

Thank you for the messages while I was asleep... will try to respond later today if things get back to normal and I'm 'thinking' again (which I kinda hope they don't, but know they probably will).

Well, I've woken up.

Panic for better of a word is kind of back... but still a sort of emptiness, so yeah... weirdly just 'being' at the moment as I don't seem to be feeling all so much.

Will try and break down my reply to respond to each of the points you made Alison, as I've said before and I hope you see well mannered amusement... your posts are just chocker blocked with information to absorb (a really good thing... but on first read I generally go 'eep' lol... I really wish I had the energy and clarity to do the following more often as I think not doing so is a bit of an insult considering the effort you put in)

Oddly enough, with regards to 'insight', my T has picked up on that... not so much I think with what I say about me... well in part perhaps... but towards my insight into others. She mentioned that I have a really good antenna for noticing nuances and behaviour.

On the flip side, I'm very critical when it comes to my own.

Yeah... that's from experience I guess. I have given up on so many things that I wanted to do in the past for the very reason of having no energy and being unable to face other people on any given day.

On this occasion I pushed past that and bit the bullet... hoping I can have the presence of mind to do so more often. Of course, when I look at it in a logical sense, I do this all the time due to work... but then I suppose the context to look at is 'choice' vs 'lack of'.

You're right and in an ideal world that would be how things work... but the cynical side of me accounts for bias, pre-conceptions and other factors such as people having a bad nights sleep before they too get to work.

All these things play in my mind and so as to stop the hurt of being dismissed after 'opening up', I pre-empt in sometimes... soften things down... to soften the blow of what I see coming - rejection.

My own worst enemy I guess... and on Wednesday I'll endeavour to go in with it as it is... and sod what happens after.

Been looking towards writing a fictional book... got a bulk of notes, snippets and ideas all on paper... however, of late things haven't been flowing so well, leading to frustration. Taking a small break from it as, being something I enjoy, I don't want to view it as a chore or dread.

Thanks sidestepper... it's nice to know I'm not alone... felt a bit petulant when I looked back on what I wrote. Was very much an emotional outburst On the + side, it let out all that built up anxiousness and upset that was bubbling beneath the surface.

Thanks for posting that, I really appreciate it

ToeJam, YEEEEEYYYY!! : "and on Wednesday I'll endeavour to go in with it as it is... and sod what happens after". Keep that thought!!!!
And if you're feeling bad, that's OK, you're entitled to, and it matters!! It isn't always an easy ride going through what you're going through/to come out the other side. Let them know it matters, it is what it is. And you deserve support/help.
The book: Yes that sounds tough to pick up on feeling how you feel. Sounds a demanding thing even if you weren't feeling depressed, so good idea in giving yourself a break. Perhaps see it as something you'll try to pick up on in one/two (?) months. It's not something you aren't going to return to, just not right now.
But I know things are really hard for you, don't push yourself more than is comfortable, give yourself real credit for what you actually are achieving/managing, and don't fault yourself!!
Here for you......
Alison

P.S. Apologies for no response to your first message about the sections of the brain, really out of my depth there. Sorry!!

Thanks again Alison!

I don't think I'll leave it a month or two as that could make it harder for me to return.. and on the + side, some ideas and thoughts did crop up in my head while I pottered around on my lunch break... so added notes with a feeling of optimism.

As for the brain issue... I decided to go with the advice I usually give others - "when in doubt, wiki it!" and was not disappointed... helped my understanding a bit and refreshed some long lost memories (part of my degree did involve biological psychology):

link: Hippocampus - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia