[ToeJam]

Reading this over and figured I'd better add an extra TRIGGER warning... Self directed anger at what I see as cowardness and confusion over suicidal intent... Really don't want to trigger others who are in a bad way... Might be better off deleting it, I just don't know what I'm doing anymore.

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Last two days have been kind of horrid. Guess it’s a side effect of anxiety but I’ve been all over the place… partially triggered by more financial problems and feeling stuck, useless… feeling I should be so much more but that in actual fact, just thick, a leach, someone who should just man up, grow up and shut up.

Further confliction in seriously thinking about ending it… just get on with it and stop with the self pity or excuses of why I shouldn’t. It does at the moment get stopped by those very excuses… the harm it would do to those I care about, what others would think (this part I shouldn’t really give a crap about… but of late I do )… that if I hold on something amazing might happen… or that it would be my sods luck that something great would happen (a winning lottery ticket, inspiration that propels my writing to something good) but I was dead… or that ‘do you really want to die? Would you just be doing it for some attention? If you are going to do it or think about, don’t f around… don’t whine, do it because you mean it and intend to follow through… otherwise you’re being pathetic and should stfu’

I have so much rage locked inside but I can’t express it openly, no one cares what I think… just an insignificant waste of excrement that has delusional ideas of being relevant.

I know I’ve been doing relatively well with my T sessions… at least that’s what I keep being told… how I’ve become so much more ‘stable’ since a few months back… but it all rolls back to this problem I have with ‘point’… I just don’t see any. Right now I’m putting one foot in front of the other and I keep walking but I really don’t know why I’m doing so.

Sorry for the rant

What's the point, right? I ask myself this everyday .

Yeah what is the point? I too always ask myself this and never really come up with an answer. I have very similar thoughts when it comes to suicide, I have excuses not to do it, and then get mad at myself and think I should just do it anyway. I battle with myself constantly over it. I want to, but I don't.

Hmm this isn't really helpful to you, wish I had some advice to give. Hang in there, and rants are good, no need to apologise

Just got quite distracted...someone is playing Britney Speares Hit Me Baby One More Time. I don't know what's more worrying - the fact they're playing it or that I recognised it immediately lol.

[Fuzzybear]

Toe,

Your post will be something that many of us can relate to. I think a lot of us will question "what is the point".

Personally - I think God has a plan and we often have no idea what it is. I also know that some here are not follower of God.... so what should they hang on to? I am not sure then. Family, friends, kids. Volunteering and helping out others so when you leave - the world remembers you for a sliver of time.

And as for the whining. BOY can I relate to that statement. I am pretty much sick of listening to myself whine (I would think my wife wants to puke over it)... But, my therapist would say it is not whining - it is evidence of how much pain we are in. You can not see our pain as if we broke a bone... Even cancer patients can see the problem on an x-ray (not to belittle such an awful illness). So here we sit with our invisible pain...... and I do not think the world can understand it

[unaluna]

There is no point. Its the same for everyone. You make your own point. Whats the point of a little blade of grass making its way out of a crack in the concrete to see the sun?

[ToeJam]

Meh, sorry if I've just been a downer all round.

Anniversary of my dads death on Monday... and in all sense of purpose he was the rock that I just haven't had since. Going to be a piss poor weekend, but I'll try not to do anything stupid.

[ToeJam]

Ok... things have got worse... been sitting just staring at my computer... can't find any words...

no idea what to type or say, just feeling done.

[healingme4me]

Anniversaries amp it all up. Well, I like the point about what if you miss something good from future type of point...

Sent from my LG-MS910 using Tapatalk 2

[sleepweaver]

Thanks for sharing. I feel much the same way a lot of the time. Well, constantly, really.

I hope you find some peace, and continue to find "excuses" to carry on.

[TheOriginalMe]

On bad days I believe I am irrelevant and worthless, and that I have a meaningless exisitence. On good days I recognise that it isn't just me, the whole human race is exactly the same, the only difference is most people don't have that insight and delude themsleves that somehow they do matter. When I'm depressed it matters that I can't find a meaning, when I'm not depressed meaning is unimportant. The only thing that works for me is to look for the little tiny differences that one makes, like giving a rough sleeper the sandwich that you couldn't face at lunch, or the caterpillars that I picked off my plants made a meal for a family of blue tits. The nicest person I ever met was constantly delighted by tiny little acts like this and not only was she the nicest person I've met, she was the happiest person too. Unfortunately, it is never as easy to do the things that might help as it is to write them down, otherwise I'd be happy now and saving blue tits instead of posting on PC.

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by ToeJam

...just thick, a leach, someone who should just man up, grow up and shut up.

That sounds like an old recording, something broadcast at you by your environment that took hold.

May the anniversary of your father's passing bring you some good, even affirming thoughts in the midst of mourning.

[dandylin]

ToeJam, I feel ya.

[ToeJam]

Originally Posted by TheOriginalMe

On bad days I believe I am irrelevant and worthless, and that I have a meaningless exisitence. On good days I recognise that it isn't just me, the whole human race is exactly the same, the only difference is most people don't have that insight and delude themsleves that somehow they do matter. When I'm depressed it matters that I can't find a meaning, when I'm not depressed meaning is unimportant. The only thing that works for me is to look for the little tiny differences that one makes, like giving a rough sleeper the sandwich that you couldn't face at lunch, or the caterpillars that I picked off my plants made a meal for a family of blue tits. The nicest person I ever met was constantly delighted by tiny little acts like this and not only was she the nicest person I've met, she was the happiest person too. Unfortunately, it is never as easy to do the things that might help as it is to write them down, otherwise I'd be happy now and saving blue tits instead of posting on PC.

Well you brought a smile to my face, so thank you for that. The imagery was something I could follow and relate to.

I don't necessarily find pleasure in doing the little things, but I do try when I'm not so wrapped up in my own head to notice.

I'm sorry for some of the things I've written today. I hope that nothing has been lashing out at others... can't see that being the case, but yeah... a lot of self hate and petulant crying I guess.

Just worn out and tired right now... no energy to be worrying about self harm or worse.. just sitting and staring for the most part.

Will try to get some sleep if I can.

Sorry again, will probably curse myself out tomorrow for the crap that I've written.

[ToeJam]

Well I've woken up and I'm a lot calmer at this moment (20 to 10 in the morning). Going to try and get ready to go to an archery session which yesterday I just didn't see happening at all.

[ToeJam]

Told the wife what happened last night... she was at home the whole time, but I just wasn't talking and she left me to it allowing me space.

She's said that I should call the crisis team when it gets that bad... don't know if I should though, told her I'd be worried about the impact on work, that I could lose my job etc etc, to which she replied that for them to do that would be grounds for unfair dismissal... meh, dunno.

Went to archery and it was actually quite thereputic... no talking necessary, just targeting practice.

Trying to not let my mind wander too much right now... got a 'social' thing to go to tonight, kind of dreading it.

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by ToeJam

Went to archery and it was actually quite thereputic... no talking necessary...

Interesting! An activity not requiring talking proves therapeutic, but almost all formal therapy is built on talking. This is worthy of investigation.

How much talking does your social event require?

[ToeJam]

Sadly a fair bit.. + a guy will be there who has at times triggerd me quite badly. I have to go though, is a proper welcome back drink to a friend that got prematurely fired. Will be just 4 of us.

I'm glad you were able to tell your wife in the end, even if it was after the event. It's good for our partners to be in the know, holding it all inside just doesn't help. It eats at ya until it's all too much. I know it's hard when you're worrying about your job if you were to call the crisis team...especially if you're having financial issues right now. But they were supportive before when you had time off weren't they?

I hope your evening isn't as bad as you fear and you manage to get something out of it. Maybe have a drink for me...I sure could do with one! And if you need to, just go outside for some fresh air if things are getting too much.

[ToeJam]

Originally Posted by secretwhisper

I'm glad you were able to tell your wife in the end, even if it was after the event. It's good for our partners to be in the know, holding it all inside just doesn't help. It eats at ya until it's all too much. I know it's hard when you're worrying about your job if you were to call the crisis team...especially if you're having financial issues right now. But they were supportive before when you had time off weren't they?

I hope your evening isn't as bad as you fear and you manage to get something out of it. Maybe have a drink for me...I sure could do with one! And if you need to, just go outside for some fresh air if things are getting too much.

In moments like that, talking doesn't help sadly... I'm unable to express my thoughts clearly and I'm stubborn... reasoning with me is going to be badly hit and miss... and I've been triggered into a worse place in my head by doing it.

The wife (bless her... she wasn't trying to be malicious in anyway) is very religious and she made a flippant (maybe not flippant... was her belief and I guess she meant it in the way that she'd be sad we'd be separated) remark that was I to kill myself that we'd not be together in eternity as I'd be in hell.... well, I just exploded (verbally)... it did stop me from any further thoughts of dying at that time... but I was just so angry that she'd throw the hell card at me. Suffice to say there were tears and once I'd got my crap together I had to do a lot of repair work, explaining to her that I didn't mean to disrespect her faith or mock it/her in anyway.. just that, the wording shocked a response out of me and I would be grateful if we left spiritual debate alone when I'm having a bad attack.

Taught me a lesson to internalise even more... I know that's not a good thing... but I don't want irrational anger damaging relationships... being unhinged can do harm that I just don't want to inflict when my mental/emotional faculties aren't firing 100%.

As for the crisis team... was referred initially by my gp and they shrugged me off... I didn't meet the criteria for additional help. Might be because I don't self harm and I fluctuate in my depression.... can be very intense moments in the day or week... but then just emptiness which are periods I can manage and muddle through.

And so that's the situation I'm in... I know how it works... I've been there before. I will not be helped (hospital or whatever) until such time as a bout of irrationality makes me go all out... and depending on my environment, if anyone is around... could be simply a terminal result.

I was lucky the first time that I did take that plunge (the second time I had a moment of clarity and got myself help).... I was helped by an unexpected source... my dad, who was 100 miles away on the phone... tricked me and got the police to my location. I thought I'd been so clever by calling from a public phone booth miles away from where I lived... hadn't written a letter explaining why I was doing what I was doing... and though I was not close to either of my parents, I had a moment of concern to the impact it would have on my mum (they are separated)... so I called him, asking him very matter of factly to be there for her. He told me that his phone battery was dieing and that he needed to swap it over... and in that small period of hanging up, he called the police. Swore bloody murder at him when the cop car turned up

After that we became pretty close... and yeah... he was the one person who took everything in his stride and was a rock that didn't flinch when I needed him.

Only got myself to really rely on now... that's unfair I know on people like my wife... but I am the rock in some ways in our relationship.

Originally Posted by ToeJam

Told the wife what happened last night... she was at home the whole time, but I just wasn't talking and she left me to it allowing me space.

She's said that I should call the crisis team when it gets that bad... don't know if I should though, told her I'd be worried about the impact on work, that I could lose my job etc etc, to which she replied that for them to do that would be grounds for unfair dismissal... meh, dunno.

Went to archery and it was actually quite thereputic... no talking necessary, just targeting practice.

Trying to not let my mind wander too much right now... got a 'social' thing to go to tonight, kind of dreading it.

I know I'm a bit weird, but also for me something that is therapeutic is putting together something that is broken, or cleaning something small when it is dirty. Not so much work that it is overwhelming, but just little enough that you would want to do it. For me, when I clean something up or fix it, the challenge I set myself is not to "clean" or "fix" it, but how much can I restore it to its former glory, or even, can I even perhaps exceed its former glory? When I do get it right, it's extremely satisfying . Just something silly I do to prevent myself from going completely insane sometimes.

[TheOriginalMe]

Your dad sounds like he was pretty shrewd and a great person to have around. I'm sorry that he is no longer with you.

Here's some more imagery for you to ponder, maybe it will distract you for a minute or too.
My blue tits got fed caterpillars again today and the blackbirds got diced slug. I can't work out whether my wanton cruelty to invertebrates will cancel out all the good karma from my kindness to garden birds, perhaps that is why my progress is always one step forward one step back?

[waterknob1234]

I feel the same way as you sometimes. I question why I am still here. I get angry at myself thinking if only I was smarter, if only I finished college things would be better. I have thought of ending it and always find reasons not to. I agree with Useless Me that in some way God has a beautiful plan for all of us, we just can't see it now. It's also hard in that others don't understand our pain and anguish. Please don't feel guilty about posting your problems or consider it "whining." Post away and vent. We love you and we understand.

[ToeJam]

Well today has been ok... weird though that is... had 2 migraines back to back... and well, I say migraines (I don't get the pain anymore), had the aura signals then stiffness of neck and nausea first last night while I was out and then about 2 hours ago.

Not feeling anything though so that's a bonus. Just sitting and watching some films.

[ToeJam]

Sorry for mass quote post, and sorry to any that I've missed.

Originally Posted by StbGuy

I know I'm a bit weird, but also for me something that is therapeutic is putting together something that is broken, or cleaning something small when it is dirty. Not so much work that it is overwhelming, but just little enough that you would want to do it. For me, when I clean something up or fix it, the challenge I set myself is not to "clean" or "fix" it, but how much can I restore it to its former glory, or even, can I even perhaps exceed its former glory? When I do get it right, it's extremely satisfying . Just something silly I do to prevent myself from going completely insane sometimes.

I think it's fantastic that you have the practical skills and motivation to do so! I am not very practical minded I must be honest, that is very much the wife's area of expertise... and she's essentially banned me from trying to fix electrical devises (I'm colour blind and have blown fuses before ).

My challenge is my writing... but it's sporadic due to motivation and or periods where I really struggle with concentration.

Originally Posted by TheOriginalMe

Your dad sounds like he was pretty shrewd and a great person to have around. I'm sorry that he is no longer with you.

Here's some more imagery for you to ponder, maybe it will distract you for a minute or too.
My blue tits got fed caterpillars again today and the blackbirds got diced slug. I can't work out whether my wanton cruelty to invertebrates will cancel out all the good karma from my kindness to garden birds, perhaps that is why my progress is always one step forward one step back?

Well, I suppose you could look at it as protecting your garden... plants are very much at the mercy of such critters and you are their champion... hopefully that's not fuzzy logic

Originally Posted by waterknob1234

I feel the same way as you sometimes. I question why I am still here. I get angry at myself thinking if only I was smarter, if only I finished college things would be better. I have thought of ending it and always find reasons not to. I agree with Useless Me that in some way God has a beautiful plan for all of us, we just can't see it now. It's also hard in that others don't understand our pain and anguish. Please don't feel guilty about posting your problems or consider it "whining." Post away and vent. We love you and we understand.

Will get to Useless me below. Having achieved education has not in my case made things better... I got my degree... but have been unable to do anything with it. Anxiety, confusion and an erratic memory rendered me (in my eyes) incompetent... and that boat has long sailed

Thank you for your kind words at the end... I acknowledge that this is an amazing community... and that I do bully myself into believing that my problems and words are pathetic.

I want so much to be able to help others... yet here I am crying out and looking for help

Originally Posted by Useless Me

Toe,

Your post will be something that many of us can relate to. I think a lot of us will question "what is the point".

Personally - I think God has a plan and we often have no idea what it is. I also know that some here are not follower of God.... so what should they hang on to? I am not sure then. Family, friends, kids. Volunteering and helping out others so when you leave - the world remembers you for a sliver of time.

I envy those (you) who believe... who have faith... who have that as a type of anchor that helps towards giving meaning, giving reason.

It's hard to explain from an atheists point of view... it is not for lack of wanting to believe in a god, I really wish I did.... just something inside me that doesn't. I will only find out if I was wrong on death I guess... it's all a bit weird for me to talk about.

And as for the whining. BOY can I relate to that statement. I am pretty much sick of listening to myself whine (I would think my wife wants to puke over it)... But, my therapist would say it is not whining - it is evidence of how much pain we are in. You can not see our pain as if we broke a bone... Even cancer patients can see the problem on an x-ray (not to belittle such an awful illness). So here we sit with our invisible pain...... and I do not think the world can understand it

This I very much relate to. I think this is part of why I despise the weakness myself... it is not seen, is not tangible.... others look at you like you're gone out... and this leads me to wondering if in fact I am gone out... if it is actually a thing rather than just some damn fabrication that I'm caught up in the middle of.

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Anniversaries amp it all up.

Yeah, they do :s Should have seen it coming and tried to ready myself for it... to try and find some way to keep balance... but I didn't and it hit me like a ton of bricks.