[eggplantlife]

So afraid I'm going to be homeless and mentally ill because I can't function and I'm causing the family that took me in lots of burden.

My anxiety or sadness or whatever is called is all over the place today. I posted earlier that I didn't wake up well. I don't know if it's okay to post a lot like I have been doing.

I am a able body so I should be able to get out of my mess I caused. But I haven't been able to function.

Really afraid. This was suppose to be my last hope in getting my life together. My last hope! But I'm not living up to making it better.

If that happens, I really be homeless with no one. I can't even think or do the action to not be like that. It's like I want to be homeless. It's like I deserve it because I'm the one who didn't do the action.

[Rohag]

Hello, Eggplantlife.

Regrettably, depression can significantly undermine one's abilities to decide and act. Have you talked to anyone at the Texas 211 (United Way/AIRS)?

[yumi]

Nobody deserves to be homeless, so please don't tell yourself that.
Depression and MI are debilitating, which is something society doesn't grasp.
I hope you find your way and don't end up on the streets.

[eggplantlife]

Originally Posted by Rohag

Hello, Eggplantlife.

Regrettably, depression can significantly undermine one's abilities to decide and act. Have you talked to anyone at the Texas 211 (United Way/AIRS)?

I did apply for benefits when I came here but I can't get medical benefits for single women over 42 years old. I'm new to Texas and don't have car or license. I reply on the family I moved in with. So I don't go anywhere. They are kind but I am feeling like a burden. I live in fear of being kicked out like my family did to me. So I know it's my own fault. I had medication but was taken away from me. So am trying to get better on my own. It's my only option. So I am on these forums to figure out how to get moving forward.

[eggplantlife]

Originally Posted by Rohag

Hello, Eggplantlife.

Regrettably, depression can significantly undermine one's abilities to decide and act. Have you talked to anyone at the Texas 211 (United Way/AIRS)?

I tried calling them today. Though I tried to apply for benefits, but I haven't tried to ask if there might be some kind if free service that someone might provide. I remembered a booklet the lady at benefits gave me which I completely forgot about. I'll try my best this week to go to the library and see if someone there who can help me figure out if there would be some help...not to far from me.

[Nammu]

Try dshs.state.tx.us look for local mental health services. There should be a department close to where you are. Some are called integeral care others are still using the old name MHMR. Where I live intake is first come first serve 5 days a week from 8 - 4:30 pm ( it takes a couple hours so go early) and if you are in threat of homelessness they will help faster.

[eggplantlife]

Thoughts going...one of them is now about that god have given me chances in life and I ruined them all. I feel really bad about situations that could of lead me to learn something new for a job and maybe made connections with people who could of helped me out in the field I was trying to get back into. I feel I blew all my chances and it's replaying in my head and new one is added for extra guilt. If I would of thought of taking those chances at the time, I would have (maybe) and I wouldn't be poor and without my own place.

[eggplantlife]

But then now I think god didn't make me realize it at the time. I would normally say it was all about me that I didn't. But I read somewhere that people give god credit for the good and blame themselves for the bad. So trying to think different.

[eggplantlife]

I mean Why does god not make me realize it at the time and then make me punish myself afterwards with thoughts of things that I could of at the time?

[healingme4me]

With this family that has taken you in, what are your hopes and goals?

Being kicked out from home, is traumatic, it's natural to have tapes playing on your mind.

Is your story, of how you got here, on a different thread?



God closed a door, to guide you to another...

Sent from my LG-MS910 using Tapatalk 2

[eggplantlife]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

With this family that has taken you in, what are your hopes and goals?

Being kicked out from home, is traumatic, it's natural to have tapes playing on your mind.

Is your story, of how you got here, on a different thread?



God closed a door, to guide you to another...

Sent from my LG-MS910 using Tapatalk 2

I written some in introduction and another thread but I haven't told full story as that would be long. I've had depression most of my life. I thought I kicked it completely in my mid 20s, but it came back 8 years ago. There were physical abuse when I was young so I dealt with that when I was younger. But as an adult... It started slowly with losing my interest in the creative field I was in. I spent those times trying to get it back and learning about burn out. So I was out of work and trying to get it back. But during the process, my mom died, then less than a year, my ex-husband wanted out of marriage leading towards divorce, then when I moved in with siblings which we moved to a different state. During the process our beloved pet died. In the new state, the siblings started to hate me more. No matter what I tried, they hated me. My best friend died suddenly. So I tried to look at spirituality. I didn't work for many years. I tried to make the effort to do something in a new career like taking lesson, but that didn't work out. I found a place that I can have therapy for small fee. In that time siblings ended up hitting me and then throwing my things, me and my dog on the street. I was on a phone with my friend before one of them broke it. She called the cops all the way from different state. But before that she told me to get back in the house. After cops left, they told me I had 30 days to move out. I went back to the state I was in without my dog who was like my daughter and who comforted me. They are taking care of her. This part is the saddest to me because I couldn't take care and provide for her. I moved to back to the state I was from. I couldn't find a job. Found a part time job. It was the only one I could get. They gave me like 8 hours a week. Got myself Medicaid and benefits. I was seeing doctor and therapist. They helped me not to cry. I was crying every day. Everything would make me cry. I would be crying at places I shouldn't. The medication helped me not from crying. I had a part time job and ex gave me some money. Then he decided to stop giving me money. So I had to change my living situation as I couldn't pay rent money to my friend. Part time job wasn't enough hours worked so the Government sent to to "back to work" program from getting benefits. It was hard looking for a job in my field while going to that program because you have to be there and the computer time is limited for I think 30 minutes. They had other programs, but that look away a good daytime hours to look for a job which is ironic. But they did find me a job. But wasn't much money to live off off but enough that government took away my benefits. The job didn't end up working as they weren't doing well. They cut my hours and then there would be times the check would bounce. Owner was a good man. I gave up my part time job as my housing situation changed and I couldn't keep that job and work full time because of housing situation. Another Friend took me in but living situation there was difficult as she had her own problems and was causing my nerves to be worse. I did give some rent money as i was working. Government took away my benefits about this time. I found out as I was trying to get my medication. I had to go cold turkey right away. I had no option. I started to smoke a lot to offset the withdrawal that I had to go through. I found a new job that was closer as the other job was 2 hours to get to a low paying job. This winter was tough as I waited out in the cold. I didn't have enough layers and it took a toll on my body. So I decided a low paying job across the street would be the best. They ended up firing me but saying they didn't fire me. So I had no job. I started to look for another job doing the same thing over. I broke down and was crying then my friend called me from another state. We talked about me moving there before as I was having a hard time. I didn't because there would be no way for me to move around freely and the State I was living in had more job opportunities. But moving in with someone who truly love you and was my friend and really wanted me to come and I can work in the creative field and get my career jump started was what I needed...but now I haven't been doing good work and my depression gets to me and the thought of being kicked out again makes me so scared of being homeless.

I missed out on other factors. I feel strange writing all this as I feel someone might find out, but I keep writing this hoping that all this would help me out. I know I had a lot of trauma from deaths, family kicking me out of their lives, jobs not working out, no money, moving around, unstable and divorce. I know they are all life crisis and they all help cause my depression as they happened one after another without a breather. And I now realize that I had pms which makes it worse. I should be able to handle all these better. Every single one of these I could of handled better.

[eggplantlife]

Strange once I started writing, it just poured out.

[eggplantlife]

Omg!!! I just wrote a big long letter of what happened and it didn't post.
I was surprised that I wrote all that and it didn't post.

[eggplantlife]

Oh, it did post.

[eggplantlife]

For a brief moment, before I came to Texas, I thought things were starting to work out. I was feeling good as I had a somewhat boyfriend, a new job and a place to live.

[gayleggg]

It's good to get it out. The thought of bieng homeless has to be scary. I'm sorry you have to give up you dog. I know she was a comfort for you. I hope you find a way out of this soon.

[eggplantlife]

And it's strange that my first depression of physical abuse and I thought I had no friends seem like nothing compare to what I have been going through now. It seems like having a job and getting money would of helped me somewhat. I messed up my sleep last night and now, I'm all over the place. I'm sorry for that.

[eggplantlife]

Call Texas 211. I got through this time and got some names of places. I just have to figure out where they are and how I am going to get there...and have the strength or the ambition to do them. Still going to the library and maybe they will help with some place close by as I have no sense of direction and where about in this new state. I guess, it best I keep concentrating on doing this than just talking/writing about it and saying that there is no way for me to do anything.

I'm going to try this Authentic Happiness project. I learned something interesting that being happy and depressed are not on the opposite scale of each other. Now I see them as 2 separate things. I guess, it helps me to see that getting rid of depression won't cause me to be happy and that happiness is separate and on it's own. So I see now that if I get a sense of happiness that depression won't go away and that it will always be there and maybe I won't be thinking too much about it because if I up the level of happiness, I would be thinking more about that. Well, I hope I got it right and maybe I can live with depression then. Because when I think about it, there were times that I was happy and that there were times when there were more of happy moments that I didn't think or dwell so much on depression. This time around in my life, there haven't been much of happiness happening so all I think about was the bad circumstances.

My spiritual search which made me see the good little moments may have helped me keep myself together these past few years. Before that I really didn't notice the beauty of the flowers or the way that people really enjoy their food. I am surprised that people are very happy with the food they eat. I never got the pleasure that they seem to have. Now, I'm trying hard to see what food I like and what kind of pleasure that I get out of them.

[eggplantlife]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

With this family that has taken you in, what are your hopes and goals?

I really have no hopes and goals or they got crushed right away. I guess, when I first came here, I thought I would be able to work in the creative field again with my friend. But doing the work, I realize that I'm not capable as I used to be. My designs are no good. I'm feeling crushed that I can't help out as much.

My goal was just to get out of a bad situation I was in before. Although I knew that Texas didn't provide medicaid for women over 42 and that I would have a hard time moving around freely, I thought I had a better chance of getting back into my field. I figure what happened in the other state where medicaid was taken from me suddenly that maybe god didn't want me to be on medication anymore. I was crushed and I tried to make the best of my situation.

I guess, those people who told me I wasn't thinking rational were right. I came here with hopes that things would work out somehow. I spend the last money I had and with few that friends gave me to come over here. So now I am here and I need to make the best of it. I know I'm being a bad sort of complaining about things, but I just can't seem to figure it out.

This really is my last chance to move forward.

So since being on this forum, my goal is to get over my depression or get a grip on happiness for whatever might happen. I would like to be happy no matter what is happening with me. I figure that is the best way to handle things from now on. I don't know if I am doing the right thing, but that's what I'm coming up with so far.

[eggplantlife]

Originally Posted by gayleggg

It's good to get it out. The thought of bieng homeless has to be scary. I'm sorry you have to give up you dog. I know she was a comfort for you. I hope you find a way out of this soon.

Yes, loosing my dog is one of the saddest event in my life. Some people said that I could get her back but I don't see that happening because of my poverty and my family situation. I hope that I am wrong.

[Want2want]

It is totally OK, right, and a good thing for YOU to take care of YOU in any way you possibly can.

ASK FOR HELP! Your posts are filled with things like "I talked to the lady there, but didn't ask her about free services", things like that. ASK!

I understand, and I understand your fears. And it's really, really lousy feeling so afraid. One of the ways you can feel better is to do whatever it is you CAN do to improve things for yourself.

Call or go to whatever benefits place there is, and ask for help. Ask at a church. Maybe you can tell the people you are staying with how hard it is to ask for help, and ask them to help you ask.

Anything! It's so good you've come to these forums to share and get ideas, but we can't do the legwork. You have to help us help you.

I know this stuff because I do the same thing you are doing... I just sit and worry, but action is really, really hard. I think I am so afraid of a negative answer that I don't ask. My brain knows, "Well, if you don't ask, that's the same as a no", and eventually I get going.

All said in love. Take care of yourself. You matter.

[eggplantlife]

I did good yesterday and went to the library for the first time by myself since being here. They couldn't help me find a place nearby. The one the librarian knew about would be 3 hours with many transfers on the bus. The other 2 I would need to call the bus company to find out how to get there. All this seem overwhelming just to get help. I knew that it would be difficult to get help in Texas, but I'm the one who decided to move here anyway. I figured that god/universe didn't want me to see a doctor anymore.

Since I didn't have my id with me, I couldn't take a book out so I just read a book on happiness.

Later that night, there was a storm. A light storm. I felt that it wouldn't be anything although some lights went out in the neighborhood. I went to sleep. It seems the couple I was with stayed up the night. When I woke during the night, they were still up. Then this morning, when i went to smoke, they were asleep. I looked around, there was a slight damage to the ceiling. I realized that I should of stayed up the night with them. What I am getting at, is that I realized that I wasn't caring and helpful to them. I should of stayed up the night with them. This made me think that I'm not a caring person and all I did was sleep. Sleep just over took me because I think might be the stress of it or that I just couldn't help falling a asleep. Like anything with stress makes me go to sleep, but during the nights I would wake up. I never saw myself as not caring. This really made me ****** about myself. Does depression do that? Cut some senses like that? These people were caring enough to take me in...and I'm not caring enough to stay up and help out what might happen. I mean they don't have much. They really don't, but they have big hearts. I let them down. And now, I'm feeling really ****** about that.

I hope you are able to find a good mental healthcare provider to help you out ... I had to go through county once because I had limited funds and resources ... They provided treatment for little to no cost and it was a life saver for me.

Yet, I still carry a vague free floating anxiety about ending up homeless and it's been over 20 years since I've been out here on my own ...

[eggplantlife]

I've noticed that my reactions to things are very slow. This isn't the first time. I realize afterwards that I should of done something usually after sleep. I don't get why I am numb to a lot of things until too late. I know in one aspect that it's good that it's slow is when it comes to anything with anger. I took many years to get over anger that I had every day. Now, it's like a lot of actions that are good have been taken away to. And I want to do anything to help this family out that I can do. I just have to work on this, but at least, I'm aware of it.

[eggplantlife]

Now I'm having a hard time letting go of how bad I've been. Everything turned out okay. But my head can't stop thinking what a bad person I am.