Stressed... about to go into hospital

Went to bed very very late last night 4am - been moved to a quieter room and I guess I don't adapt to change very well so stayed up in lounge talking to staff while patients slept or read book and listened to music.

One of the support workers I really like (the one I defended from an aggressive patient a few weeks back) only works nights and she brings in treats (cakes, biscuits etc) for the other staff... She almost always offers to me as well.

As said went to bed very late last night, wished her goodnight and as it's customary that in morning she usually pops her head round door to say bye to me at end of shift I said it was doubtful I'd be awake this time so I hope she had a nice day.

Well, woke up with 4 hours sleep, startled by noise and anxious.... Sat up to get dressed and saw she had left the rest of the cookies she brought in last night on my desk at end of bed while I slept. Such a lovely gesture that both made me smile and cry a little.

Thought I'd share.

I just...I dunno...I just dunno what to say. So... cute and... beautiful.. Glad you found a friend at that place. And I don't feel that staying up late is such a big problem... But that might just be because I am of another generation. : D

I'm still cheering through you! Through my own misery!

Heh, for me it's got harder as I've got older. When I was young I very much burnt the candle from both ends as they say and it's caught up with me.

With that said, since coming here I average 4-5 hours sleep a night which is taking its toll on me a bit.

Oh wait... just to clarify.. 4-5 hours of sleep is not good! But not going to bed till 3 or 4 am is another thing! You don't have to wake up till 1 pm you know .... okay maybe not...especially if it's a noisy environment.

Ha, I wish that was the case but it can be quite regimented around here... meal times (they are quite strict with me on this, lost over a stone in the first week I came and they keep a close eye to make sure I go eat) and medication time which is very time specific (for the most part).

I am an incredibly light sleeper (probably linked to over sensitivity to noise) so I wake up regardless of time if there is a bang, someone is moving around or talking.

Comes to us all TJ But hey, it sounds like you "made the most" of your "youth", so can't fault yourself on that!!!!
Got to improve on the sleep though, right?? .
As it probably isn't that quiet there early morning and with the checks going on during the night, early morning any chance your consultant can help with prescribing something???

Alison

Bit of a catch 22 position Alison. I stay up late as its quieter at night and to be totally frank it's nice to talk to staff who are for tense of purpose not suffering from mental health issues.... brings a bit of normality to my day.

With the adjustments my Nurse has made to my care plan, staff know now not to do chats with me that would be triggering due to mixed messages so it's very light hearted and just nice talking the crap kind of thing.

During the day, I stay well out of the way as noise and movement (can zone out to movement on the outside world... but in here I am very very aware of my personal space) keeps me on edge.... but I can't sleep.

On a plus note and I mentioned this to you in private chat, been able to get hospital wifi for my computer and it is fantastic to finally be able to browse the web and type (I touch type) properly.... almost all posts in this thread so far have been via a phone which is very slow and laborious :S

Hi TJ, missed this bit but just thought anyway..........are earplugs during the night an option maybe??

Alison

I know it's rare, but have you been checked for 'hyperacusis'?

Hi TJ, with the problems with noise/things going on around you are there any worse times of the day for you e.g when more things are going on.........when people come out of any groups they're doing.......when other people are noisier?? Just wondering if you could pre-request escorted walks more around that/those times of the day. Maybe get you away from the worst times and give you that bit of one-to-one time as well??
Have you got your headphones back yet though?? Just thinking they might help you zone out a bit. Or if not maybe you could have them for shorter periods while supervised??
And yes, the more "normality" you can hold onto.........so any particular routines you had when you were at home which you can integrate a little into your routines there?? Or any more familiar things from home you'd be allowed there.
And although maybe not the same........light hearted chats or chats when the support workers aren't available..........have you tried the chatrooms on here?? Afraid I'm no authority, haven't been there myself!! but.............???

Alison

@@@ Trigger warning - suicide attempt @@@

Disclaimer... I'm still very emotionally charged right now, so a lot of this could be a mix of ranting disproportionally, rambling on tangents or just not make sense at all

Might as well start with context. Part of depression I guess but I absorb the negatives over the positives. Last week was rocky and as I mentioned before, I saw my consultant who had told me off for 'not trying' hard enough. This upset me as all of the positives and steps forward I'd made were totally ignored while I was being judged and condemned on areas that I was still very much struggling with.

This festered in my head and when I saw him in the afternoon with my wife I was (as my wife put it) very shirty, to the point and very dissatisfied with his condescending manner. I think it surprised him a bit as he hadn't seen me when I am focussed, assertive and straight to the point.

Regardless, the point still gnawed in my head that I was a failure and that I was unable/unwilling to help myself.

Was moved to a two man room on Friday (think I mentioned this) but the guy I was sharing with was away for the weekend so I had it to myself. Had got 3-4 hours sleep that night but as Saturday progressed I was very much awake.

My mood started to dip mid day and I was struggling to think positively... my Mum and Stepdad turned up at 3 and wanted to take me out for a meal and a walk.... I did it, but again the noise stimulus was too much and by the time we got back I was mentally exhausted and felt completely drained. Still tried to be social though as I only see them once a week and I value the visit, mask was up constantly wanting them to leave happy that they'd had a good day with me.

Got a text from my nurse friend cancelling his visit tomorrow (my policeman friend did the same to me at some point in recent past)... not a massive deal in itself but the Wife was not visiting this weekend to give her a break and I wasn't going to see her till Tuesday (and then again on Thursday).

Was sitting in my room and my mood just started dipping and dipping... the nurse who was meant to give me 15 mins to chat came to see right at the end of his shift (9pm) and I'd actually thought he'd left... I had already started cutting by that point (covered up) and had nothing to really say to him... was empty and vacant.

He said he was going to ask the next shift to keep an eye on me but I don't think he did as they continued with the hourly checks... at 12am, the guy did his check and then left... I knew what I planned to do... but in one last ditch effort of will I went to look for help.... but the 2 nurses I can speak to were dealing with medication and I just didn't have the social energy to wait or approach them.

Returned to my room and put into action my plan. Without going into details, the hospital fixtures and fittings are a lot weaker than they appear (probably by design for the very reason of it being in a mh hospital).

Was a loud crash and I was found by a nurse with me on my arse on the floor in a flood of tears.

quite a few staff rushed in but the 2 nurses waved them off and sat with me while I blubbered, apologising and feeling like a total failure. Apologised to the nurse in charge as I really like her and told her that when I first came here I'd made a promise to myself to never do anything on her shift.... and then I burst into tears again.

She explained gently what was going to happen next... that a doctor was being called to check me over and that under normal circumstances I would automatically be put on level 1b (line of sight observations) but knowing me and knowing what massive steps forward I'd made, that would be like taking 8 back and that in her opinion would leave me feeling even worse. So she was going to argue for level 2a (10 min observations)... which the doctor agreed to.

The night didn't end there in terms of an emotional ride to hell, but going to take a break and come back to it in a bit.

part 2.

Well, the staff that were on last night are one of the most experienced and nicest team on the ward. I get on well (when I'm able to be social) with the nurse in charge, Junior nurse, the support worker (who I mentioned I defended before) and a male support worker that I talk to a lot about trivia, movies, music, t-shirts - bloke stuff. Well it was he and I that had a problem last night.

The lady support worker was on a level 1 obs of a patient who was sleeping and both the nurses told me and her to sit together (transpires against protocol) as we really get on well and they figured what I needed was emotional and social support as I was still shaking and crying.

10 mins into doing so the male support worker who was unaware of the nurses instruction came up and ordered me to move away as it wasn't allowed... the lady calmly stated that permission had been given and they started having an argument... I said it was not a problem I'd sit elsewhere and the lady grabbed my hand and told me to stay... the guy was not impressed and got quite stroppy with her to which point I went into defence mode, stood up and stood between them.... I was so emotionally charged and I smacked my fist into the wall (respliting my knuckle )... well he got right in my face and condescendingly said that was a stupid thing to do... I very coldly said that if I chose to hit the wall, that was my choice, not his and like him did not back away or stand down but held his stare.

The lady grabbed my hand gently and led me away and told the guy to take over with the observations.

She took me outside to have a smoke (I don't but I usually chat with her when she does) and the nurse in charge was there... lady quietly explained to the nurse what had happened while I just stood there shaking and feeling tears coming back on.

Well unsurprisingly I was wide awake again with the adrenaline flowing. Stayed up for a few hours and at about 2am I told the nurse I wanted to discharge myself, that it would be best for all... I could do what I liked and they would not be responsible or accountable for my well being... that with what the dr had said about me being unsectionable I was well within my right to do what I chose to my body so I might as well get out. She said that I was wrong, I could be sectioned and she had the power to do just that.

I quietly reasoned to myself what was keeping me riled up and realised it was the argument with the guy... so I said I was speaking out of anger and frustration perhaps... that unresolved disputes are very hard for me to handle. She said she would facilitate a discussion between the pair of us and she would sit in on it.

she went and got him and we chatted, spoke both our cases (I mentioned that from observation he tends to escalate rather than defuse situations) and he explained the reasons for how he does things... it was a calm and reasoned chat, we shook hands... I went to bed and fell asleep exhausted.

(((((TJ))))
Thinking of you....

TJ, I almost just want to give you LOTS OF hugs on this, but I should say something, right?
Like I said please don't see this as a back to square one kind of thing, and you know now that you've managed to get through it........maybe still a bit shaken, maybe still a bit "knocked for six" but you have made it through.
And I know at times you must feel powerless/helpless with where you're at, and the way you've been feeling probably makes it really hard to talk to people about how you're feeling even to want to talk to people, but do you think maybe as you're spotting some signs (if they're there) you could try to find someone to talk to?? Doesn't matter what they're doing/not doing, you're important!!!
And at least now you know that there are some really understanding staff there, who will want to support you, who can try to give you a safety net/safety nets.
And in all this I've got to seriously admire your ability to stand up for yourself, to accept support, to work through the issues of what went on afterwards with the other support worker.
And **** it, sending you LOTS OF hugs regardless:
Alison

Hi!
just wanted to let you know that I've been following this thread since the beginning but didn't know how to contribute anything useful so far. so just wanted to say that there are a lot more people with you and quietly hoping for you to get through this! It's been inspiring to read how you're keeping up and still find the time to share this with us.
Wishing you well!!

I'm struggling with words lately, but have been reading every update...we're all rooting for ya! Thinking of you all the time, and sending lots of hugs and strength your way! You can do think, it will get easier.

(((((((((TJ)))))))))

Thinking of you, ToeJam.
On the one hand I'm worried about your sleep quality, on the other I hope you can maximise the therapeutic value of the late-night-early-morning peace.

Thank you to all who have posted today, felt so low and horrid at the time of posting the above and still frustrated with how last night went down.

Called my wife this morning (I got very tearful again... making a bloody river) and told her what had happened. That I wanted to come home, explaining that I felt this place was doing nothing for me.

She asked to speak to the deputy matron who was on shift and I left him to have a private chat with her... they spoke for a good 15 minutes and then brought the phone to me. Wife said I wasn't to discharge myself and that she would come visit me this afternoon (I mentioned earlier that a friend had cancelled on me and had told her first thing this morning).

Well, when she arrived at visiting time.... my friend was with her which was a bit of a shock. They went into the office to talk to the nurse and came and found me later. Transpires that after my call this morning, wife got very upset and called my friend (not sure if she was angry with him or what)... he in turn jumped in the car and drove from his city to ours and spent the hours up to visiting with her and his wife.

They are taking her to their home for a couple of days to refresh the batteries and not be on her own.

They spent the afternoon with me and my mate got to see a mix of my mask that he knows me for.... and my 'illness' as I had times of agitation and crying. Both said that was I to try and discharge myself at the moment, the nurses had advised that the on call doctor would look at my recent notes and on that basis would most likely section me (which would cause a lot of complications)... so to try to ride things out till at least Wednesday when the wife comes back and see how I feel then.

Thinking of you ToeJam. I know you have been thru a lot. You are a good special person, don't give up. We all care about you here.

Hi TJ, well you're closer to today being over, hey??
And really hoping that this evening/tonight/tomorrow is just a little better for you, but for now.....a bit of rest?? You have been through so much. But Wednesday is less than a week away, and we're here between/anytime.

Alison

I promise my head and heart tells me to write a loooong post with love and care and discussion and whatnot... But I can't...head is mashed up... I'll get back to it!

Well got '2' hours sleep last night... woke up very numb with suicidal thoughts rattling about my head. Wrote in journal about how I was feeling... support worker came in saying it was breakfast time, saw me pacing and looking agitated... asked if I was alright and I said 'no'. She advised me to go and sit by the nursing station for a bit which after getting changed I did. Didn't stay there very long, was feeling weird and trapped so came back to room and wrote in journal again.

Was start of new shift so I initially wrote about not wanting to bother anyone and how I just wanted to punch (wall) thoughts out of my head.

Decided it was best to take what I'd written and see my allocated nurse for this shift, told her I was struggling and just handed over the paper I'd written on. She said I'd done exactly the right thing and that she would like me to try and stay near the nursing station for a bit longer (qualified nurses were at med station at time, but the nurses station is usually manned by support workers)... two were there that I liked and was drawn into light hearted conversation and banter which both settled and distracted me... after a while I was feeling better again and returned to my room area in an ok frame of mind.

Allocated nurse came in an hour later to have our 15 minute chat and it went really well, told her my concerns, struggles but also some positives and she gave me some very sound advice which included adding positive entries into my journal so that as I read it back it would be a healthy mix rather than just re-enforcing all the bad moments.

About an hour and a half after the last post I had an emotional break down.

Was sitting at computer and became flooded with intrusive thoughts to die... can't express adequately how powerful they were... but I went and sat near the nurses station, curled up on a chair and tried to distract myself with music... didn't work, the thoughts were coming on in waves and I stormed into my shared room punching the door as hard as I could... sat on bed and burst into tears.

Went to look for my nurse but she was exceptionally busy and I left her to it, went to the entrance (locked) of the ward, curled up and just sobbed. Was found by the matron who spoke with me... I say spoke; my words were broken up due to the sobs.

The chat helped... but then something strange happened... I had burnt up all the emotion and went deadly numb... went back to my room and was staring at the item that had triggered off the intrusive thoughts in a very dispassionate way... dangerously close to doing something due to feeling nothing and not caring.

Thankfully a member of staff (one I really get on with well) came in to get me to come for meds... saw me sitting transfixed and blank, sat next to me and got me talking... told her about the intrusive thoughts and the complete numbness I was feeling... she asked me if I had a plan, I said yes.... she asked what it was and at first I refused to tell her... she pushed and I said I would only elaborate if she didn't start removing things... that I've got to start trying to take control of this as when I leave, I won't have anyone around removing dangerous items from me.

She nodded to this so I told her.

In honesty I'm glad it was her that came in.... I was very close (again ) to doing something stupid.

She walked with me arm in arm to the med station and encouraged me to talk to the nurse which I did... both asked me to stay by nursing station again which I've done up to now.

These massive mood swings are scaring the crap out of me... but calm at the moment... will take it as it comes and hope it lasts more than an hour and half this time.

Aren't you already making a journal/diary on this site?

It sounds dangerous that you trust yourself with the dangerous items. I guess the nurse didn't really have a choice (other than lie to you, agree and then remove it anyway) but does your wife know? Maybe now you could remove it/them/one yourself.... I'll be mentally hugging you meanwhile. ^^

Do you have a therapist or something? On the hospital or somewhere else? You obviously have a huge need of talking.

I also have a problem with noises... earplugs may work. :/ But when you go on these meals outside...what kind of noises are the ones that disturbs you? I bet your answer would be "all of them" but I more thinking of is it the sound of plates and forks and people eating? Is the traffic? Is it people talking to you? Cause if an empty restaurant would be better then go on meals at weird times like.. 3pm 4pm 8pm or 9pm... 10am. If it's the traffic then maybe if your "guests" have a car you can maybe go closer to the outskirts of your town or something.... i have no idea how large your town is or if you can find a peaceful place to have a meal but I believe it's great for you!

What does "15 min observation" actually mean?! :S Do they watch people for 15 min? Or do they say hi do people with the interval of 15 min? If someone can explain this for me that would be great!

Why do you feel like a failure.... do you get flashbacks from your bullying experiences? I usually do... :/ And I'm quite sure you were in some of bulllying thingy. (I dunno if it sounds like I mean you bullied people but that was not my intention) Let's try to approach these thoughts "objectively" (or mayeb rahter you). If I told you I want to hurt myself and live off medicine and people on this site and yet struggling in everyday life not to harm myself, would you call me or think of me as a failure? Would you see everyone on this site as a failure you have ever tried to end their lives? I doubt that. And if you are with me then you can probably see that you might be very hard on yourself. Just acknowledging this usually doesn't make it go away (I know that too well ) but it might be the first step.

About the attempt... I still dunno what to say...I read it all...and...well.. I'm still here... I'm sorry...

We like you tj don't go away! D:![imagine another throb here, I hit the limit of smileys... It has to be symmetrical!]