Stressed... about to go into hospital

I do indeed, however this journal is as the situations are happening, to catalogue my thoughts, feelings, coping strategies and then have it reviewed by a nurse on each shift (3 times a day) or if I am really struggling approach them with what I've written rather than have my mouth do the talking which I am very uncomfortable doing.

Well to be fair, I don't know how effective the item would actually be... if broken it would be very jagged but not sure how deep it would penetrate. Ironically I've been lent one by one of the nurses too... which makes me query if they actually consider it a safe item... or just hadn't considered it being used in that way. Wouldn't use his to do it of course.

I do, but she has a 3 week holiday ending on the 28th which is when I see her next.

A number of different noises... children screaming, people talking, clatter of plates, doors opening/closing, music/tv blaring.... multiple conversations in a group I'm familiar with happening at once.

It totally disrupts my concentration... I can be in mid sentence... noise happens... I turn startled towards it and lose my train of thought.

I'm on 10 minute observations which means every 10 minutes someone comes to check on me if I'm not within line of sight. Essentially it's a safe guard to ensure that should I make another attempt, I would be found within that time frame and thus reducing the chance of death due to proximity of resuscitation and medical assistants.

The answer to that would be a big reply in itself.... but in short I was emotionally and physically abused/neglected from the age of 5 both at home (emotional mostly) and at school up until the point of leaving home for university.

[quote] Let's try to approach these thoughts "objectively" (or mayeb rahter you). If I told you I want to hurt myselfWhat you're saying is logical, but emotional damage can override logic. Of course I do not see others here as failures... but I wouldn't be surprised that many here feel that they are anyway even though logic contradicts that. Reminds me of the phrase of 'being unable to follow your own advice'; When we look at other people we are able to give advice objectively because it is not impacting directly on us... we are not enduring the stress and confusion that certain situations bring so we are looking at it from the outside.

However... the opposite is true when you find yourself in that situation and you are overwhelmed by it.

Thanks, I am trying my hardest to fight this

Hi TJ, I know this must all feel so hard but you are getting to doing so many right things in starting to lay the foundations to moving forward. So don't you forget that!!!
It might take time but you're certainly playing a part in trying to make things better for yourself.
What I'm seeing is:
You are keeping up with the journal;
You are taking your journal to show people what you've written;
You are admitting when you can that things aren't OK;
You are trying to take yourself away from the situation- by going to sit by he nurses station;
You are trying to distract yourself......when you need to;
You are trying to reach out to people when you're feeling.................
I know you're struggling to do these all the time, but it's progress, right?? And maybe you need a little more help in being able to do those things a bit more regularly??
And with that, and the feelings inc. mood swings you're going through, can you ask to see a doctor there??? And to see him/her sooner rather than later??
And you know, sorry, but got to agree with Momentofclarity about getting rid of the "dangerous items". Even people doing really well can fall if the urge is strong enough, and you are feeling kind of vulnerable right now, aren't you?? So you really don't want to risk increasing that vulnerability, do you??
And we certainly don't want that for you!!
Alison

You could change that and unload the feelings on us or on a pm here if a nurse (or the nurse) isn't avaible. But thats maybe beside the point.

But then you can hurt yourself with a wall. And you didn't answer the wuestion if it's a good idea to tell your wife. If it's not that big of a deal cause the item is not that dangerous then it's not that big of a deal to tell her either. I really feel like someone else should be on this.

Oh It sucks.... everyone on pc seem to have this problem now when everyone have holiday....me included. :/

So it's not just the noise itself that is disturbing but the fact that you lose your train of thought? You could always tell the friends around you to keep conversations simple, slow and talk quitely (if any of that would help).

Oh I see.... if I were there I would have a 10 min hugging. Which would mean 6 hugs an hour... ^^

I wasn't actually asking about the incidents themselves... I was wondering what kind of feelings and thoughts comes to your mind.. Sometimes I hear the people that bullied me or see their faces with an evil grin when I lose my selfesteem or such. Thats how I come to the thought of "I'm such a failure." So thought maybe it's the same for you..

I'm well aware of the difference between what you consider logical and what you feel and I was trying to express that in my post to. And as I also said... the first step to fight it is to acknowledge and admit it. You just did!

Pls tell me if I trigger you or say something stupid/wrong. D: I'm so afraid all the time and I just wrote a lot.

How true! Remaining rational and avoiding triggers capable of pushing me over the edge into irrationality are high personal priorities.

Once I'm over that edge, all the logic in the world is powerless.

I'm new here but just wanted to let you know I hope the get your medication or whatever needs to be done adjusted so your feeling better.

Following post is a mix... positive and bad

Yesterday was hellish, was crying so much... saw Dr and was told I would remain on level 2a (10 min observations, no walks) and I was feeling even crappier. Got angry at one point and shouted at one of the nursing managers after he had been a bit short with me about why I was being restricted in this way.

Discovered that there was a good chance I could successfully discharge myself if I so chose and I was very close to doing so. Found the irony to be delicious - wasn't allowed off the grounds while under their care due to liability and negligence if something went wrong... but should I discharge myself 'against medical advice' and then went and did something... then that was fine.

Was so angry and determined... and tired and not thinking. Was talked down by a slightly more companionate nurse who took the time to calm me down and make me listen to reason... to stay here and get the help I needed.

That night was prescribed a sleeping tablet and for the first time in a month slept for 7 hours... and have been off and on sleeping all day. Body and brain obviously had had enough and needed to catch up.

Have had some intrusive thoughts but for the most part as said, been asleep and right now feeling pretty decent.

Hi TJ, really good you managed to get some sleep however that was!!! I know that a proper sleeping pattern isn't just going to "cure everything" but you're going to have been getting to/at the point where you were "running on empty"/emotionally and physically drained, right??? And sleep can often make a difference where this has been elusive.
So here's hoping you're going to be starting to have a slightly better day
Alison
P.S. Please, please, please don't go down the discharging yourself route. Just really want you to get the help you need.

I definitely agree with frankbtl. Stay at the hospital. If you wanna leave you could try arrange one of those "get-out-for-the-weekend" things you tried before. Begin simple... sleep one night at home.... or maybe not even that... try just one day at home with your wife. or something...

Finally decided to put my dvds in my locker to remove temptation. Saw my named nurse today (and briefly my psychiatrist... will get to that) and spoke about the week to date as well as adjusting the care plan slightly.

Have come to terms that it is my emotions that are a mess. I've mentioned this somewhere before about how my T believes that due to childhood trauma my emotional maturity is quite stunted and as such I've relied heavily on logic and reasoning to function. The past week has been horrendous but I have confirmed with both my Nurse and psychiatrist that I really do want to get better and that I am trying as hard as I can to follow the care plan set in place to reduce incidents that put me in harms way.

My self harm has radically reduced... my lower arms are healing up but I didn't lie to my nurse and admitted that I have been cutting in a more discreet place but to a much lesser extent. I advised her that to stop the si is something I need to do on my own terms and at my own pace... to take responsibility for it and she said that was a start.

My psychiatrist wanted to speak to me first thing this morning and I knew before going in that he was going to tell me off about wanting to discharge myself earlier in the week. So I cut to the chase before he got the chance... said that I have been struggling with controlling my emotions, that was said and done was under duress, anger and lack of sleep and once I had had time to think retracted my decision. That (as mentioned above) I have come to terms with taking responsibility for my actions and the consequences that go with it and that I know this is the best place for me and am seriously wanting to get better. Will discuss things with him in more detail tomorrow but on the basis of what I told him he seemed happy with it and has put me back on level 3 (escorted walks).

Still getting intrusive thoughts... but I'm trying hard to get my crap together and use the resources available to me when things get rough.

Sounds like a positive day TJ, you've taken a lot of good steps forward today! Go TJ Keep on hanging in there, and remember to reach out to someone when it is too hard to go it alone. You'll get there

Well TJ, that's a WOW (!!) from me!!!
I mean I know it isn't/isn't going to be as easy as just............and it's certainly not as simple as...........but REAL KUDOS for how far you've come/you're coming!!!
That had to be a really big step for you putting your DVD's in your locker, even just wanting temptation out of your way!!!
And wanting to get better/trying hard to follow the care plan. Shows real commitment there!!! While some of the things in there may be uncomfortable sometimes it can be hard to judge what we really need/what's best for us when in a "bad place" so it can be real good to have that structure/boundaries/safety net in place. Although having said that don't forget if things aren't working so well in it, what with your relationship with some of the staff.........then if you need adjustments in there to help you if you're struggling, just don't hang fire before discussing them, hey??
And good on you for the reduction in SI, and admitting to the lesser SI. You're obviously making real use of other coping strategies at times you would have SI'd before?? Maybe about building on these further, do you think?? Although it can take time, and a lot of it is going to need to come from you/at your own pace.
And GREAT decision on not discharging yourself!!! I'm sure SO MANY of us on here would LOVE to see you discharging yourself today and going home to a much better life, but it's the getting better you need to do first right??
And you know you are on your way.

Alison

Hope you are feeling better my friend, What a difficult and courageous decision to make.!

Go go tj! ((TJ)) ! I hope it continues to go well for you!

This post really resonated with me. I've read all your posts here and it seems like we have some dysfunction in common. So I was wondering, what fuels your suicidality? I'm not asking for specific details. When you want to kill yourself, is it because you want to die (for whatever reason) or is it something else?

Hi TJ, if you can't make it on long enough to talk or just can't talk right now for whatever reasons..............just letting you know..........thinking about you, still here for you and sending hugs.
Alison

TJ.........a little quiet lately?? So just to let you know still here for you, whatever...........

Alison

Hope your doing okay tj xox

Hey, thanks for the messages. Been a long week, some set backs, some steps forwards... just been feeling very quiet and flat for the most part though.

Seeing my T tonight and will elaborate on the week to date then.

Sorry for the absence... just needed time to reflect and step back for a bit I guess.

to all

Take all the time you need, friend.

Hi TJ, no need to apologize for your absence!!
Got to do whatever's right/best for you, or have I said that before??
Just glad that things aren't "too bad" for you, and take all the time you need!!
Alison

Oh.. well... frankbtl is right.

I'm sry I sent an extra visitors message.. I was just worried. And it's my problem cause I am the one who's jumpy.

Don't tell us about your week until you feel like it. And until then .

Ok... going to give this a go and see what comes from it... quite a bit of catching up to do as of last Thursday.

Obviously earlier in the week I had had a bit of an emotional flood after the failed attempt and was still trying to come to terms with what I had done, the effect it had had on my wife as well as trying to get myself grounded again.

Not sure if I mentioned that on the Tuesday I got very confused (lack of sleep and floods of tears all over the place) with where mixed messages had come from and I exploded with verbal rage at one of the deputy matrons... convinced he had told my wife that were I to try to discharge myself I'd be sectioned (I later found this to be bs). Well, in retrospect and having better recall now I know it wasn't him but I was very close to discharging, had pissed him off royally in the process and yeah... we resolved things between us... but it was awkward.

Come Thursday and my ward round (where I see my psychiatrist) I found out he would be the nurse sitting in... well I went into anxiety mode and found the morning very unpleasant.

When the appointment came I went in with my wife and I tried to remain calm until such time as the nurse in question brought up a point that was in contradiction to the care plan agreed with my named nurse... my wife said that I handled it well but that we certainly butted heads leaving the doctors there just watching the show. When I left the room I very nearly smashed the wall to hell with my fist but my wife grabbed my arm.

Spoke to the nurse afterwards very calmly and explained what had been agreed with my nurse, he conceded the point and said he'd speak with her.

Been pretty mixed for a few days after that but for the most part I was managing and doing my best. Intrusive thoughts of course but was keeping self harm down quite well.

Was difficult on Saturday as my Mum and step dad came to do their weekly visit... I had not told them about what had happened the week before and told my wife to keep her mouth shut about it too. Figured it was much better she heard it from me face to face rather than panic her over the phone which would have done her no good. She immediately started worrying that it was them that had triggered the event (they had seen me on the same day) to which I assured her was not the case... had been a build up of many things and just led to a numbed dream like state I could not attribute to anything in particular. Found the visit pretty tiring... thankfully Justine was there and my step dad had brought his laptop and ipad to fix as he's clueless with regards to technology so I told them to talk amongst themselves, stuck my ear phones in... listened to music and got busy fixing the mess he'd got himself into while writing simple instructions for him to follow once he got home and had wifi access.

Was exhausted by the time they left and was wavering in my resilience, thankfully a nurse came to chat to me before I did anything daft (had done some si... but had an unescorted walk to use) and gave me some reassurance and some grounding.

Had a bad Sunday, mixed signals from one of the nurses who doesn't know me very well and I took a step backwards... punched the walls a few times and ended up doing some si to my lower arm, quite pissed and not giving a crap what others thought... was a bit of a trantrum I guess.

Next day (yesterday) woke up miserable and the suicidal thoughts were back... asked for an escorted walk as didn't feel safe, was berated about being independent and should use an unescorted instead.... so off I went on one of my jaunts thinking of just being worthless and wanting to die. Bought some tablets that I didn't use as I had presence of mind to speak to my wife who encouraged me to return to the hospital. She also called the hospital and one of the nurses called me to see how I was and where I was... was nearly back at the time. I hid the tablets as I knew they'd take them off me and walked back in. Had a chat with the nurse and was just low, ashamed and exhausted... slept most of the afternoon.

Come evening I had my first appointment with my T in 3 weeks... she'd been on holiday to Malta (god knows why... just a tiny rock in the middle of no where... sorry, used to live there :hashface: ) and it went really well, re-established grounding activities that I'd forgotten and well as some visual imagery to use when my sensory acuity was being overwhelmed.

Admitted to her (and my wife on the way to the session) about the tablets and she came out with me to speak as the 3 of us, saying how important it was that I recovered the tablets and handed them over to Justine before I went back in... wife told me off too about animals sniffing them out and eating them and such (she knows I hate the thought of animals suffering... I don't kill anything in the house like wasps, spiders etc) which in my muddled thinking hadn't considered.

Got back and handed them over.

Today has been okish... trying to move forward and the t session yesterday did help... did a occupational therepy group session (creative writing)... the first group I've attended in 4 weeks and I'm planning to speak to a careers adviser for those with mh issues tomorrow... setting myself small goals to try and achieve.

Oh a couple of other things I forgot to mention... or at least I think I have, not sure.

Been referred for personality disorder assessment that will lead to group therepy. Was a little bemused when I read the document that I had to sign. Was with one of the better nurses I get on with at the time and on the sheet it said 'dysfunctional coping mechanisms (punching walls and self harm through cutting)', I raised an eyebrow at that, commenting that such mechanisms were very functional to me and tended to calm me down... nurse gently patted my hand and said 'that's what most people with a personality disorder would say dear'... made me chuckle. Signed it.

Oh and my T had gone through the answers to the Asperger's test she asked me to complete a few weeks back. Will no doubt create a new topic in the correct section about that either tonight or within the next couple of days.

Hi TJ, sounds pretty rough at times but hopefully things are coming together a bit more for you now?? With the group session starting...........but could you ask to be "signed up" for any more, maybe?? With your T being back.............?? With them looking more into assessments/an assessment where you are.............??
And REALLY impressed with some of those break-through's in you pulling back when things have been hard and thinking about your safety. Like asking for an escorted walk because you didn't feel safe (definitely NOT impressed with someone berating you/refusing- but maybe you could talk to someone to have your care plan adapted to allow for this??) AND admitting the tablets plus handing them over!!! REALLY impressive!!!

Alison

Was quite a big step for me in honesty, I've been pretty solitary during my time here and with the exception of a few patients who are pretty rational, I've kept to myself and been given the space I need. Mentioned a couple of incidents where other patients have tried it on... I've not raised a hand to any, but... lets just say I'm left alone now.

The staff here have been strongly encouraging me to take part in activities which I was nervous about... since coming here I've become hyper sensitive to noise (was manageable for most of my life as I always had a retreat to go to - home, or walks alone along the canal) but here, added to the stress of the depression and anxiety it's been a nightmare and for the most part I have my earphones in listening to noise of my choosing.

What I didn't mention above was that I almost didn't go due to an anxiety attack brought on by a mixed messaged trigger. Had mentioned my intent to attend the session well before time... but when it came to actually going, the nurse in charge was in the office making phone calls to check to see if I could go... 10 minutes went by (I was now late) and another nurse said it was due to what had happened yesterday. I had previously spoke about this with others with lots of emphasis on moving forward... well, I got very upset, smacked the wall, went into my room and burst into tears.

Junior nurse came in and said that due to my state of mind I now definitely could not go. I waited 5 minutes and used my grounding activities... went back out and found the nurse in charge who was surprised when I explained why I'd got upset... that that was not the reason he'd been calling at all... it was just to update my leave sheet as outside ward activities were not on there and he wanted to make sure the dr was happy with it... transpired the dr was. Nurse in charge asked if I was calm enough to attend and allowed me to go (half an hour late).

The member of staff told me later that she'd actually come looking for me once it dawned on her that I'd gone out with a very low mood. Been advised by a nurse tonight that in situations like that it is much better to speak to a nurse as some support workers have had training... but are prone to ignorance or being unable to relate to the state of mind of the patients on the ward.

To be honest, the T session is what helped... she did a number of grounding exercises that reduced my lack of clarity and improved my focus. Helped me to think things through logically and just be honest for my own good.