[TheOriginalMe]

Yesterday I had to put on a happy face and smile while I was at work. Today, I've been mooching around and I've not needed to smile or pretend. I went to the park and although it was beautiful to see, I couldn't feel pleasure. It is not asking much just to be able to enjoy a trip to the park. Tomorrow I'm back at work so back to pretending I guess.

Originally Posted by ShyPoetGirl

I've been worse, but I could also be a whole lot better. Depression is getting me pretty down. So is my self-esteem (or lack thereof). I really wanna walk to the library, there's a couple books I really wanna check out, and also I have some fines I need to pay. Plus I wanna go see the park next to the library, as I haven't been there all year and would like to see the flowers before it gets too cold and they die. But lately I just...I don't know. I feel too ugly to show myself in public. I am fat and unattractive and I feel like it would be cruel to ruin other peoples' good day to make them have to share space with me. Even though the library's big. Also depression is draining my motivation to do anything...

So I ended up gathering enough motivation to get dressed and walk to the library after all. Now I'm glad I did, because it was easily the highlight of my day. I picked out clothes that weren't too baggy and actually looked kind of good on me, despite the fact that I'm 300 pounds and practically nothing ever looks good on me. Then I did my hair, brushed my teeth, you know, the basics. I actually dug out some mascara and concealer from my mom's makeup bag, used a bit of those. Probably will be as daring as I'll ever get with makeup (I am not a girly-girl). Put in some earrings, good thing I did because the holes in my lobes were almost shut, I had to force them through. Sprayed myself with some good perfume, grabbed a stick of gum to chew just for something a little extra, and used lip balm. Anyway, when I was done I felt I looked alright. Good enough to go out in public. Unfortunately, walking in direct sunlight when it's 76 degrees will make a fat person sweat after a bit. By the time I got to the library I felt like I looked awful. My hair had dried in the sun and was frizzy, I didn't even think to bring a mirror so I couldn't even check my makeup. Wasn't quite as confident when I got there, needless to say. However, I did get the books I wanted, plus it turned out I didn't owe a fine after all (my dad apparently paid it a while ago). So even though I felt completely disgusting in public surrounded by other people, I did get something good out of it. Plus, I really needed to get out of the house anyway. Unfortunately I didn't go to the park afterward as I had hoped I would because by then my feet were hurting, and also I was feeling too self-conscious and wanted to go home.

[tigerlily84]

Learning about narcissistic parents (my mother and stepmother), along with my enabling father, so it's kind of making sense why I'm so screwed up. (This is why I'm crazy)

[Rose76]

Cleaned my patio. What a difference it makes to just get up and do something.

[mulan]

Why it must be so hard! I can't stand anymore the guys in my classe I once relied on in order to not get alone.
In my third year mostly. I had been many times in the same group as them. But I can't do that anymore.
They are becoming more and more Annoying! There are so many things about them I can't stand.
They are a group apart from the rest of the class. That's why I hang out with them, it was easier. When everyone else would leave to do something, talk to someone eles, they would stay in the same place.
I avoided the situations that would make feel bad staying with them instead of trying to go with the others and trying to not be ignored by them.
God, but they are really anoying, close minded, few boring interests, they criticize everyone without seeing the other side, they don't listen to different opinions and always think their are the right onde, stuburns!
This is bad, cause I am alone. And many times I feel inferior to my other classmates because they had an education and have a lifestile very different from mine...There isn't anyone who had grow with such simples lifestyle as mine.

It was not too good of a day today. At work, I found out that almost half of the staff were laid off. There was a real feeling of sadness at the place. It was not nice to be there today. Also, I planned on a vacation for next week. I called someone who will be taking my place while I'm gone. I wanted to go over a couple of things. When I called he seemed to be busy at the moment and told me that he'd call back. He never called back. I don't like the sign of this. It's not like him to do that.

After work I was going to go on a bike ride for the first time in a few days. My bike had been in the shop for repairs. I discovered a couple of things that were not right. I rode the bike to the shop and a guy there fixed those problems for me. It was nice of him to do it, but it was an unexpected inconvenience.

My only friend is gone for a long weekend and is halfway across the country. He'll be back on Tuesday night. On Wednesday he said that he has a doctor's appointment and asked me if I could take him there. I didn't know about that until tonight. He can't drive because he can't see. I was upset that he didn't tell me that ahead of time.

[Trauer]

Here comes the weekend again. More alone time. People always think I'm a loner, but I'm only a loner cause I too am worthless. Why would people stick around and be there for me when I'm nothing at all? I want friends....but I don't deserve them. I'm this weird guy who doesn't even feel like a human being. Weirdo...that's my name.

When I was a teenager, I only had one person who really cared for me unconditionally and showed me kindness. Now she is dead, and I'm left at square one after all these years, no progress to be made. I can get degrees, certifications, accolades, promotions, all of those meaningless things, but all I want is someone like her. All I want is someone who loves me as much as I love them. Ha, as if that's gonna happen.

[regretful]

Certainly feeling like the depression is never, ever ending. It's such a terrible affliction, and I hate it. It really has made this more of an existence rather than a life.

Just finished ECT treatment #2. Holding onto hope that eventually this will help me. My husband just dropped me off at home and I'm feeling like it will be a lonely, long day here by myself. Not liking it at all.

[JustTvTroping]

I'm mostly just...meh. However, at the same time, I've been noticing my increase in social awkwardness. Considering that I've been living in this city for 2 years now...that's still saying something.

[Bark]

Started the day feeling horrible. Thought about talking to a nurse. But it's too late now, and a Friday. I spoke to my counsellor. I'm not sure if I can stay safe. Then again I felt borderline hypomanic for a bit. Who needs ER? I treated myself to a nice meal. While waiting for it, the depression hit again. Now I was on my way back to my room, thought I'll go to my room and maybe feel better, and the depression hit hard. Now I'm petting a cat and wondering, should I go? I feel so weak. I don't want to lose close to a year of no SI... but why not?

[aprillynn197]

Feel hateful toward myself today

[Bark]

Almost got admitted. Thankfully my psychiatrist disagreed with the resident. I'm going back on a med. Hope it makes a difference. I'm feeling calm for now. Ought to take it soon, though.

[Clara22]

Good luck, Bark, I am thinking of you

[TheOriginalMe]

Anxiety, tears and hyperventilation. Not nice. why can't I just be normal?

[Nammu]

I've been on a reading kick of avoidance to deal with the anxiety I've been feeling. But ran out of books to read last night and the anxiety is keeping me from going to the library for more. I have 3 books on hold and need to pick them up. Wish I could get the library e-book site to work.

[Hellion]

Exhausted still with plenty of suicidal ideation...might end up having to consider impatient psych ward treatment again, but hopefully i can avoid that just not sure it really is just getting to be too much. So mentally exhausted I feel physically sore everywhere...i did have to walk kinda far earlier to though.

I'm taking a week off from work and it started today. This is the first whole week I've had off in a long time.

Been feeling very low and empty by the end of the day. I should be very happy having a week off, but I don't feel like I am. I will not be going anywhere. I was hoping to, but money is tight. I got irritated by people at my job asking me if I'm going anywhere. I wanted to go pretty far away to get away from it all like I used to.

[butterfly smiles]

Originally Posted by Bark

Pretty much. Say whatever's on your mind. The thread moves quickly, though, and you probably won't get a reply. But we're all here for each other.

Of course you can see it differently! That's just my perspective.

Hugs to anyone that wants them! Hope that the tide starts to turn for you guys in rough spots.

Just registered a few minutes ago.....Now what ???? lol

[tigerlily84]

I saw my brother and sister in law today. I haven't seen them for a few weeks so I was happy to see them. I felt disconnected though. I mean I was happy, but it felt like there was a barrier between me and them. I've been feeling that way for a while. I thought that going out today would do me good, but I felt just as disconnected as if I had spent the day by myself. They didn't notice, or if they did they didn't say anything.

[Creamsickle]

Down - a void in my soul that desperately needs to be filled. I will have to live without forever.

[Bark]

Originally Posted by butterfly smiles

Just registered a few minutes ago.....Now what ???? lol

Welcome, butterfly smiles.

You can tell us about your day, if you'd like to.

[Bark]

Tired. Slept over 16 hours. Haven't done that in a loooong time.

On the plus side I'm feeling better moodwise. Maybe because I'm too tired to do much. Think I'll get a bite to eat and see if I wake up enough to study.

[morganjane]

Feeling better today. And it's nice and sunny outside and I have a day off tomorrow.

[VMblue]

My mom forced me to go shopping and see a movie with my brother and his girlfriend. I enjoyed it, but I am now so tired and sad. Maybe because I know they are going back home and it will be a while until I see them again.