Feeling a bit nervous. I have a dr.'s appt. tomorrow afternoon...just a regular check-up. However, my doctor I've had for years now has moved and so I have to see a doctor I've never seen before and don't even know. This is causing me some minor stress. I feel like the stress is going to escalate, though. Check-ups are different when you weigh close to 300 pounds, and I don't want my weight to be brought up. I don't want this doctor to make unwanted suggestions about it, if you know what I'm saying. I'm very aware that I am not at a healthy weight and that I need to lose the extra pounds. But I'm already insecure enough. I kinda wanna cancel tomorrow, but I know my mom will not let me. Besides, I want to see about going back on meds, and I want to ask the doctor while we're there if he/she could refer me to someone who can prescribe me something (see, that's yet another thing I don't know about, I'm really hoping my doctor tomorrow will be a female). Anyway, I'm also scared that I won't be taken seriously about my depression and need for meds. Because I'm a teenager, they'll probably just say I'm fine and mention some ******** about out-of-whack hormones. Ughhh...

[Can't Stop Crying]

trying to pick up where I left off...telling myself this is a stumble not a fall...pretty hard to convince myself that is true....

[Shriveled Muse]

Why do I have to constantly wake up to this endless nightmare?

[regretful]

Originally Posted by Shriveled Muse

Why do I have to constantly wake up to this endless nightmare?

I just said the same thing to my sister while I was visiting her. I told her about my 4 AM spontaneous wakings every day with that same thought in my mind. The only solace that I can offer is that it can't last forever.

Originally Posted by ShyPoetGirl

Feeling a bit nervous. I have a dr.'s appt. tomorrow afternoon...just a regular check-up. However, my doctor I've had for years now has moved and so I have to see a doctor I've never seen before and don't even know. This is causing me some minor stress. I feel like the stress is going to escalate, though. Check-ups are different when you weigh close to 300 pounds, and I don't want my weight to be brought up. I don't want this doctor to make unwanted suggestions about it, if you know what I'm saying. I'm very aware that I am not at a healthy weight and that I need to lose the extra pounds. But I'm already insecure enough. I kinda wanna cancel tomorrow, but I know my mom will not let me. Besides, I want to see about going back on meds, and I want to ask the doctor while we're there if he/she could refer me to someone who can prescribe me something (see, that's yet another thing I don't know about, I'm really hoping my doctor tomorrow will be a female). Anyway, I'm also scared that I won't be taken seriously about my depression and need for meds. Because I'm a teenager, they'll probably just say I'm fine and mention some ******** about out-of-whack hormones. Ughhh...

Gosh...now I feel kinda stupid. Though mostly relieved.
I told my mom earlier about how nervous I am, and she said ,"But your regular doctor still works there." Turns out she's leaving in November, and I thought my mom had said September.
Well...that takes care of that. Although I feel silly now.

[Paralian]

I have an appointment with a new therapist, whom I've already canceled on once. But hell, I'm behind by a few assignments, unmotivated, and numb. I don't want to be meet anyone today, and no questions please. Let me disappear.

[Bark]

Friends persuaded me to get out of bed and join them for dessert. It was nice. I also bought some groceries. And I got to talking with someone for an hour or so.

Back in bed now, getting ready to sleep. The depression is there in the background, but not as painful. I was worried I'd slip up before my therapy appointment. So far so good. I haven't gone back to the ER nor done anything I'd regret (other than skipping class this morning).

But it's funny: yesterday I saw a few people from ER and a nurse from inpatient, and today I saw several people from psychiatry. I've been inpatient three times in two years. I'm hoping to get through this one without another admission.

[dandylin]

Had a job interview today. I think I would have been confident just a couple of years ago but I'm not sure if I did well. I'm not even sure I want the job

[TheOriginalMe]

I am trying to be good and get to bed early and not stay up on the internet. I need regular sleep now I'm back at work. My success is limited, I do all the right stuff and then lie there awake. Tonight I'm relenting a little and spending an hour longer online.

My anxiety has fallen a little, but I'm very low and wondering what next? I've been reseaching meds, but I've tried pretty much everything except MAOIs which my doc won't prescribe. Something has to change, I can't do this much longer.

[TheLastChapter]

Today was just awful. There were so many stressors that I cannot even begin to list them. It was a struggle to go out and do what I needed to do. I have been like this for a couple of days now and I feel kind of hopeless. I now do not want to go to any of my classes tomorrow. If I could just stay in bed all day tomorrow, life would be so much easier for me. I just do not know how much more I can take.

[Bumblebuzz12]

I seriously sad but I don't feel like crying. I'm just locked in my bathroom listening to sad music.

[regretful]

I cannot believe that I have been this blue for this long...will this misery ever relent?

[dandylin]

I wish I had the magic words to describe how debilitating some of this is. I wish I could make my husband understand how difficult it is for me to do some things that he just walks through without thinking about it.

[tigerlily84]

I have been making small steps in trying to reemerge from being a hermit. People annoy me. I've been experiencing alternating waves of sadness, apathy and anger. Mostly anger, when I have to deal with people. I have family members telling me that I need to go to Vegas and have fun. And I am gritting my teeth in order not to snap at them because they have no idea what the hell they're talking about. I can't think about anything else. But I think that even feeling anger is better than the crushing apathy and despair.

[Nammu]

Anxiety is paralyzing me.

[hope2010]

Feel so bad when I try everything I know to keep going on, and all I get from my mind and body is a kind of message that goes like : "sorry you are tired and sleepy".

So, no matter the good intention here isn't it?

I can't do nothing at all with out the pain med, so I take it and later on am tired again ... it is a vicious circle, still with high anxiety, what else?

Feeling sad and stuck today. Mom backed out of my dr.'s appt. which was to be at 1:30 this afternoon. The plan was to go to the dr. for my regular check-up, and then to ask about going back on antidepressants. I wanted my mom to be there with me for moral support. I know that's been the plan for at least the past week. So, then today she gets up at, like, noon, hung over, and tells me she won't be going. Fine, I guess. Needless to say, I didn't bother keeping the appt. after she told me that. Why bother? Just a stupid check-up. The only reason I was even up to going was for the possibility of getting back on meds, and now that's not a possibility. But anyway...she told me that soon she and my dad will buy a car, and after that they'll take me to see a different dr. Problem is, she didn't say around when that'll be. So now, I'm stuck with absolutely no help for my depression. I don't know what they expect me to do in the meantime, especially when things are only getting increasingly worse. I guess I'll just have to make-do with nothing. *Sigh* How come this kind of **** always happens? Why do people always back out of their promises? I ****ing hate being dependent on other people to get me places and do things for me. If only I were 18 and had a car. Then I could make my own damn appt. and actually keep it.

Had a tremendous amount of anxiety this morning. Thought maybe the ECT was making me worse but went to an AA meeting and am feeling somewhat better. Go figure? Am not looking forward to Thursday night, when I know I won't sleep due to pre-ECT anxiety.

[Jom Tones]

Without change, pogoing emotions remain the dominant influence.

[TheOriginalMe]

Emotional after therapy session today. I've got a list of tasks from therapy, none are about therapy, they are all either about managing risk or telling my GP stuff. I get the feeling the therapist is about to finish our sessions next time at the 6 week review. All we have done so far is risk management and today she gave me a little talk about the remit of her service being tightly defined and not being about long term risk management and if I can't continue in therapy then it isn't because I've failed it is just isn't right for me at the moment. Hmmm, as every other service has knocked me back I don't know how I'm supposed to get help. I have worked so hard at not giving in to any of the urges either sui, self harm or whatever. I have tried to show that although I'm plagued by these ideas I will stay safe for as long as it takes. How can I not take it personally if the therapist can't work with me? Perhaps I'm being overly anxious here, perhaps I've misread all the signals.

[Hellion]

Originally Posted by sidestepper

Anxiety is paralyzing me.

Have been there a lot.

[tigerlily84]

I go back to work soon and I am freaking out.

[regretful]

When it is this bad, it should be called h*** instead of major depression...

Actually feel like a may be turning the corner somewhat with this depression that has plagued me since 8/4/13. Beginning yesterday around midday, after 3 ECT treatments, my mood started to feel just slightly brighter. It continues to this moment. Just not sure what to do with myself. But there's definitely change, so that's a good thing. We'll just have to see what further improvement continued treatments may bring . . .

[bipolar angel]

Still not sleeping well at all, then awake and overtired...dad yet anxiuos, no get up and go to di what I need to get fone, sigh, going to make list, try1smakl thing at a time that I can finish, ugh