impending crash

I've been struggling with really severe depression for over 2 months now. A lot has played into it, but yesterday's therapy session kinda helped me feel more "ok" than I had in a long time. That feeling is fading fast (not even 24 hours ). I feel like a huge crash back to the bottom is coming. I can feel it "brewing" inside (anxiety, hoplessness, helplessness, sadness), and it feels liek it will take me farther down than I had been these past few months. It's like a cruel joke: get a moment of relief just to be slammed harder in a few... It feels like something is trying to make sure I break.
Does anyone else ever feel like that? I hate the feeling of impending doom...

Yeah in fact kind of worried I am headed towards another of those, my depression has not been letting up...I had therapy yesterday and that did not make me feel any more ok even for a short while. Just trying to wait it out..and hope it passes without me getting to the point of wanting to act on suicidal thoughts, would prefer not to end up in the psych ward again but not sure what to do to stop this impending crash that may or may not be coming.

So suppose I can kind of relate to that....though my depression is ongoing, sometimes its just less apparent and other times it gets really severe not sure if you mean its just been very severe 2 months or you've only had depression in general for 2 months(which actually is more than long enough for a diagnoses of clinical depression)?

Yes, ThisWayOut, I think many if not most individuals who struggle with major depression have had this experience at one time or another. I know I have. In fact, I was kind-of in that sort of place yesterday. For the most part, I've been doing rather well recently. But yesterday, for some reason, I sensed there was a dark fog trying to settle in around me.

The thing is, over time, I've learned to pay attention to what's going on within my psyche & to question why things such as this dark fog are occurring. So when something like this happens if I ask myself why it's occurring, & the answer comes back: "no particular reason" then I know it's just my old nemesis "depression" flexing its muscles. Realizing that seems to dissipate much of it's power.

I hope that you can also find a way of draining the power out of your crash so that you can turn it instead into a soft landing.

I find I can walk out of a therapy session, feeling rosy, but give the days following and, yes, has felt like a ton of bricks slammed into me. Therapy is, a process. I find myself absorbing information, and just dealing with a variety of memories, even if they weren't discussed, happens. Sometimes it's like getting the pep talk first, then wham, start processing the details of life...until the next session rolls around.

Hellion, This is the first time therapy with this therapist has given me any relief from the depression (just started seeing her at the beginning of July. this switch in T's has been a really, really difficult one)... I'm like you, my depression is pretty much always there, but it has been really bad since my wife moved up north ahead of me. She was my barrier to acting on a lot of self-destructive and self-injuring thoughts. Then she moved, we no longer have the support of our couple's therapist, and my therapist left the field so I had to start all over again with someone new. All this came during a historically rough time when I would need more support, and not less. I'm actually pretty surprised I have not landed myself on a psych unit yet. Between the increase in ptsd symptoms, increase in depression & anxiety, and lack of real, meaningful support, I have no clue how I am still here and in one piece...
I'm trying to motivate myself to get to the beach at the moment so I don't give in to all the negative crap floating around in my head. I talked to my wife a few minutes ago and managed to smile and sound fine. I hate to worry her, but she knows stuff is rough for me right now.
Does anyone else have trouble opening up to a significant other even if that person is really supportive and wonderful most of the time? I feel like I have traumatized her too much in the past. I don't want to set off her panic, so I rarely tell her anything of substance... I feel like the only person I can ever be remotely honest with is a T, and even then I have to know them... I figure they are paid to hear the crap, so it's ok to dump it on them. I don't feel right dumping all the heaviness and darkness on people close to me. My T has supervision, and outside interests, and distance, and additional support if she needs it... my family does not have most of that (especially the distance). Though apparently my last T needed more distance... I think I was one of the first people to point out that she needed to take care of herself too. Maybe not one of the first, but apparently I picked up on her need to do so, and prompted her to take another look at how what she did for a living was effecting her. I used to do my agency's trainings on vicarious tramatization. I summarized that for her one day when we disagreed on how I thought my therapy should be progressing. I wrote it all out for her before I wrote out more details of some abuse. I told her it was ok for her not to read the details if it would negatively impact her, but that I needed to believe that some other human being might have that knoweldge and I wasn't left to carry it alone... Shortly after, she got another job that moved her out of the therapist role, and into something "less intense"... I feel really guilty for adding to her burn-out.
Anyway... I'm rambling, and stalling the beach. I really need to go to the beach... I need to stall the crash; or at least slow it down because I think it's already started.

for some reason, even knowing it's just my depression doesn't seem to help... no amount of reasoning seems to work once the emotional dust storm kicks up. I just have to figure out how to keep riding the storm, though my reserves are getting empty. :/

Do you find that most of the processing happens outsie of therapy? I find that once I get into the office, everything re-sets and I can get ok for the moment, but most everything hits outside of that hour. It's like my head knows that is a safe space, and takes a breather, then wham! outside of therapy it goes helter-skelter again. I still don't really know how to deal well with that... I don't know how to bring that sense of emotional and internal safety with myself.

I don't have a significant other really, though have met someone I have seen a few times nothing official as of this point though. I do find it hard to be open to people I am close to about how I feel when it comes to the PTSD/depression stuff...I don't want to bring them down to but they also get concerned if seem upset at all so then I end up exhausting myself trying to put on an act while thinking my head is likely to explode(not litterally though sometimes that wouldn't suprise me).

I saw one therapist and after my first meeting I chose not to go back because I was worried the therapist couldn't handle it...almost seemed like just what I said within an hour was too much.

Absolutely. I have a routine, now. I leave, go grab a frappuchino, as my treat to self. Then take a drive. I've been told, at times, I seem a bit distant, for a couple of days. One time, I had back to back Pdoc and therapy. I was exhausted, i don't recommend double appointments.
As, Ive gotten through, the past couple of years, I'm quicker at processing, quicker to implement any suggestions or aha moments. I find it tough, because we tend to discuss the here and now, but then the connections of my past, to how I'm repeating patterns, etc, that's all on me. I journal, and come here. Maybe even read articles or books related to my current situation, when that has applied.
I'm on a summer hiatus, and have been given a whammy of family of origin stuff to process, before my next session. Through unplanned circumstances. That's neither here nor there.
Therapy is indeed, for me, that safe place to get it out, but the rest, it's all up to me, to work at it. I'd rather elbow grease now, than misery,more so than necessary, later.

how much of that was your fear, and how much of that was actually the therapist being overwhelmed? I know I fear that a lot with my therapists, but I am learning ot trust that they will take care of themselves, and I learn to trust that they will help take care of me too. It's a tough process, but maybe it would be worth a shot to go back? it's good to have at least one place to be able to feel safe in revealing who you are and what you struggle with (at least that is how I feel about it. as scary as the trust process is, and as scary as it is to disclose some of the darker, icky parts, it's a huge relief when those parts are accepted).

Also, I totally get the "head exploding" feeling sometimes too! (and I wouldn't be all that surprised if I spontaneously compust at some point because of it, lol).

Not entirely sure, difficult to tell I guess...but I am in therapy now, just didn't go back to that particular therapist. But yeah the place I go keeps having me have to switch therapists which I think complicates things....still not at the trust stage with the new one I've only seen twice so far but it would be cool to reach that point and maybe get somewhere.

that would frustrate me. I have such a difficult time building trust. The place I go to now uses students who change over every 4 months or so. I had to ask to see one of the interns because they generally stay for over a year while working towards licensure.
I'm glad you are woking with someone else, though I know trust-building can be difficult. I'm still in that space with this new T... Good luck with this one. I hope you can get somewhere with him.

I know exactly how you feel. Remember that its a long process and you are in repair. Depression is a bit€h that has to be beaten, and you are doing it. The urges will pass and in time you will heal. You just need to keep going to therapy.

The feeling of impending doom is anxiety. Take an.ativan. do yoga. Chill. It doesn't mean depression is coming to bore you in the butt. It means you are anxious.

I never pegged it as anxiety. Interesting. To me, anxiety is more urgent, more pressured, more immediate and physical...there is a measure of anxiety brought about by the feeling of an impending crash, but I'm having trouble calling the impending crash anxiety. It's more of a recognition of the feelings before crashes in the past, and knowing that this respite won't be a long one... maybe I have to rethink my definition of anxiety though?

I got out for a good portion of the day yesterday (ok, 4 hours, but since I hadn't really been out of bed much in 2 months, that's huge). The feeling of "brewing" is still there. It's quieter, but very much still feel like a dam is about to break... have to run some more errands today and hope they will keep me occupied enough.

I don't know there is a difference between 'anxiety' and getting anxious/worried because you feel your mental stability declining and are afraid your mental state will deteriorate...because you are recognizing that is how you've felt the last times its happened, so sort of makes it more of a valid concern/anxiety....then just like an anxiety disorder related anxiety feeling.

running errands today helped, so did art. I was in a wicked-bad mood, and figured out where a lot of it was coming from. Trying to take time out to listen to music and relax... I really with therapy wasn't so far away. o_O

I am supposed to start therapy again. It was all set up and they were supposed to call me but haven't. I am avoiding calling them.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I feel that its important to be able to have contact with and support from therapist outside of, in between sessions too if feel need to. Yes, a lot can go over in your mind after therapy/counselling session and it can be distressing, difficult to cope with on own.

Therapy can bring up hidden buried issues. It is supposed to so that they can be resolved. I agree a strong support network outside of therapy is essential. Mine is minimal right now but just enough.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I mean its important to be able to have contact with, support from therapist in between sessions as well if need to.

Do you know what's stopping you? Also, they may yet call. I have found that they tend to be slower (at least here) to call you back. It's frustrating. I understand your hesitation to call them though, as I hate having to pester people about things like that...

I tend to agree. It's frustrating that in-between-session contact is frowned upon at this agency. It's the first I've been to that doesn't encourage people to call there if somethign comes up. They refer out to local crisis lines and other local services. They only want scheduling messages coming through. It's annoying... I am still just learning how to ask for help when I need it, so this is extra annoying. I'm suddenly back to the beginning where I never contacted a T outside of office hours, even in crisis. It took years for me to be ok with reaching out between sessions. Oh well. Technically, I should only be at this place for a few months at most, then I move out of the area. :/