I just want to dream forever

I really do prefer living in my dreams rather than being awake. I wake up and it's like my life is so damn empty. My dreams tend to be weird and I have been getting a lot lately. They seem very vivid and all have their own special story to tell. Whenever I am awake I just want to think back to what I dreamed of the night before. Even if it wasn't a very good dream I still prefer it to being alive. I am trapped.

I just want to tear my skin off it's so uncomfortable. I feel like everyone hates and ignores me or thinks I am a stupid idiot. I can't even look my parents in the eye anymore because I feel this pressure in my chest like I could die at any moment. The few glimpses I do catch look like they look at me with shame and spite me. I tried to get help by going to some place on Tuesday but it just seemed to cause more problems and then I get insulted and blamed for putting other people through trouble aka my mom. I just don't want to live or do anything anymore. No one is willing to help me I am better off just trying to live under a bridge or in the woods eating random plants and drinking bridge water than trying to deal with life anymore. I'm sick of my body and I only feel better after I force myself to vomit, even if just a little bit along with drinking some form of alcohol on a daily basis. Though I'm not guaranteed alcohol since I can't go to the store myself.

Both new traits of myself because I can't cope anymore through normal means. I've also tried meditation which I found enjoyable.

I really relate to you. Dreams are a good escape. But keep going, I am here if you want to talk. Hope you are receiving therapy and/or medication because it sounds like you are suffering badly. Hang on in there.

I'm not getting either. I'm just rotting in my own head everyday. It seems like trying to get help just ends up making me feel worse about myself. I don't want to get out of bed. I'd like to talk later if you really want to talk but I am not sure how I would explain myself. I'm a broken record and I am just an endless all-consuming vortex. At least that is how I feel about myself because I can never seem to get better and I feel like I have a brain malfunction when it comes to functioning like a normal person. I just can't stand being in my skin.

Yes, the feeling of escaping from reality is quite blissful. Ever try keeping a dream journal or do some creative writing?

I'm a fan of anime and manga too because sometimes it's like being able to observe a different world - though the kind I enjoy usually involves action and violence .

I like slice of life anime with some psychological aspects. I was keeping a dream journal of sorts at one point and sometimes I do like to do creative writing.

Yes, it's good to have things to help you cope and vent. I hope you can stop harming yourself with alcohol and vomiting. You sound like you are you still very young from you're first post - are you still in school?

By the way, I saw The Devil is a Part-Timer! recently and it was hilarious; it really cheered me up when I was feeling really down. Just finished Kill La Kill too; it was a little too silly for me, but Mako and her family were really something else.

No I'm not in school. I gave up on life after I graduated high school practically. Became a complete shut-in too afraid to go outside. I was always afraid to go outside actually it just didn't become obvious until I was actually expected to start doing things on my own really. Meanwhile my peers are doing all this being grown up stuff while I can't seem to leave the house to go get the mail or answer the door or use the phone things. My fear of trying to deal with others has ruined my life I think. People tell me I should just overcome my fear yet it just seems like something most people won't understand because it's just something that is so easy for everyone. When it comes to doing anything involving people I just won't do it. It makes me look like an incredibly lazy individual because I won't do a lot of things because everything involves people it seems. I get told I should take baby steps but it has never gotten better. I try to talk about it with other people and some will tell me that they just grew out of it or some other thing that makes me feel stunted and dumb.

I've had a 3 year gap of nothingness because I stopped leaving the house a lot of the time and now I just don't go out at all. The stress of trying to be an adult overwhelmed me. I had never really gained the ability to go out on my own before. I actually never went out on my own before in my entire life mainly except for a few minutes where I walked outside my house on very rare occasions to test myself. Usually horrifying. I feel the same as I did when I was a kid when it comes to socializing and I even tend to hide behind walls and people like a kid. I try to get better and get help yet I always seem to fail and I feel completely broken. How can someone live like this. You don't.

This isn't living it's dying. I am just waiting to die at this point. No one seems to like me and those that do I end up pushing away because I feel they are laughing at me or they are trying to stab me in the back and play tricks on me. I kind of know how this all developed. This ****** way of thinking. This paranoia and fear of people. I guess it all came from one thing and lead to another and then it all fed off of each other and snowballed into the mess that is me.

The worst feeling is how everyone can manage to get over it but me. Then they wipe my face in it and make me feel like a worthless ****. I have multiple homicidal fantasies a day when people irritate me if I ever have to involve myself with people. Even against my own parents. I didn't mention that though when I went to the hospital What was embarrassing was the other day I had cops talking to me because they heard I was suicidal from the hospital I had visited and I somehow made mention of something like "Doesn't everyone have suicidal thoughts?" Which I don't think that is true. It probably just made me sound that much more ****ed in the head. Then it got even more embarrassing cause my dad was honking the horn because he wanted me to hurry up and then he came inside the house and started yelling before realizing there were cops in the house. Also the house looked like a meth house so it was even more embarrassing.

I enjoyed both of those anime.

When you communicate with the members of this forum (or maybe other people online,) that is a form of socializing and dealing with people as well - I believe you have the courage and capability to deal with people by yourself. You've even found people who have things in common with you (like enjoying anime )

Have you ever tried calling a hotline (some sites even have chat options) The forum has listed quite a few.

Lifeline
Suicide.org: Suicide Prevention, Suicide Awareness, Suicide Support - Suicide.org! Suicide.org! Suicide.org!
Kristin Brooks Hope Center - Hopeline
Suicide Forum - A support forum for people in crisis

These sites aren't only for people who are suicidal, but I feel these professionals are much more qualified to help you then I.

Why are you so hard on yourself? What's made you hate yourself and life so much? Is it the depression, illness making me feel bad or people what they've said and how they've behaved with you? You can't expect others to be kind, help,care and support you if you don't like/value /accept yourself and treat yourself well. Not good to depend on or expect too much from others.

I love my dreams too and sometimes wish I could stay in them forever. Other times they are a living hell (when they become nightmares and I cannot wake up). But I can relate to how the world of dreams can be more attractive than the real world, especially if you are able to lucid dream and control what's happening.

I can't use the phone and I have tried some chat options in the past and from what I have understood is that these places don't care and I am not sure how they would help me except to tell me to not kill myself. That is my problem which makes me depressed is that I can't seem to do basic social necessities that people take for granted. It makes me feel like this giant wuss because I just can't seem to get the courage to do anything. I try and make myself feel stupid every time and it overall discourages/humiliates me. Humiliation coming from every time I try to talk to someone about my problem they give me the common reply of why don't I just go out and do it.

People metaphorically spitting in my face.

I should be perfectly fine and able to do stuff. I just gotta do it. At least that is what everyone tells me with their all encompassing knowledge of mental health issues. It's basically like going to a guy with no legs and telling them to walk. I mean he probably could walk but he would still need the right equipment first but even then he would still look weird walking because it isn't natural for the guy with no legs to walk. Yet they do have people walking with those metal legs-

I wasn't planning on killing myself right now.

OCD is why. Bad experience after bad experience and feeling toxic shame because things aren't perfect is why I am the way I am. It seems for me to actually be taken serious some super serious hardcore event is supposed to have afflicted me in some way. Which is a joke and shows how little some people know. I'm not going to conjure up some story about myself so that people will take my problems seriously. No I am this way because I take everyday events badly because I have no idea why I do that. Early events shaped a piece in my brain to take things a certain way and thus overall formed my brain to be afraid of socializing period.

I don't expect people to be kind but others shouldn't expect me to be nice towards them if this is the case. Only people I am depending on at this point is my parents and you're right that probably isn't good. Though I expect what I expect out of myself. I am just shooting in the air with this response because I don't really have an expectations out of people but to be understanding. Which isn't really the case with most people. People's emotions confuse me and seem fake/unreal. I feel I can say anything I want to people because everything isn't real and it's just one big show. If I ever managed to no longer feel the anxiety with real people I would get the problem of saying anything I thought about others and then I would get a lot of bad reactions and eventually force myself back into isolation.

Though I am just shooting in the air because I am not quite sure what you mean if I am honest. IT just feels like people shooting in the air and hoping they understood what one another meant.

I feel like I can semi lucid dream sometimes, usually when I am near the point of waking up.

I do undertstand what you mean, I wish I could just back to sleep even after just waking up. Yet sadly its not random things that I dream of, I fantasize about finding a great guy "better than my soon to be ex husband", getting my dream job or winning the lottery. Even though I have had some that include my favorite shows but they usually coincide with finding a good man, or my favorite is if I am a magical or fantasy like being that is worshiped by many, always wanted to know what it felt like to be someones obsession or most important thing in someones life.

sorry for the ramble but without my silly dreams I feel like crap and get very depressed and irritable. so I understand the frustration and turmoil in feeling weird for nonstop daydreaming but enjoying it.

I hear you, Steiner. I keep a journal so I can read about them all over again. Otherwise I forget them.

I find just writing them down without keep the journal helps me remember them. Replacing all the real memories with fake fantasies. I don't have my journal anymore but I do like to write down what happens after a dream sometimes and just the act of sorting it out in front of me allows for the creation of a memory. Or something like that.