[tigerlily84]

I still feel like I don't know how to do most things at my job. One thing clicked for me, so I was grateful for that at least. There's a manual that I need to master that's about half an inch thick. I think I'll have to bring it home and study it.

[EsotericNonsense]

Originally Posted by TheOriginalMe

I thought it was only me that has problems with cell phones

I write posts on my cell phone because there is a nice app for this site. The cell phone keyboard usually isn't a problem for me but I miss having a full keyboard.

[regretful]

Endless misery, exacerbated by the predictable anti-depressant weight gain that shoots my self-esteem to even further depths. Why does life have to treat me like this?

[Bark]

I felt it coming, I tried to think otherwise... yup I'm depressed again. Combination of factors probably.

I really should force myself to eat and spend time with friends on the floor... but meh. And I feel tired but I don't want to sleep.

I know I shouldn't think in terms of blame, but how much of this is my fault? How I choose to react? How much is stress? Physiological?

I spent money I'd have rather saved for lunch, so I had a meal. I went to work, which was relaxing (it's a student job I like). I spent time with friends. I took it easy. Nope, depression's still here.

I feel like I complain too much. I have good days. Depression comes and goes, it doesn't last like it used to. I should be grateful. I am grateful....

[favoritefountain2]

Trying to stay focused on positives today - it's hard. I feel like my ADHD is totally off the wall, and it's hard to focus - but I have some allies. Found out that the person causing my stress at work has essentially pissed off everyone (all 15 of us!). So I'm feeling that maybe it isn't me - and I'm going to stop beating myself up about it.

Wow, it's a whole 18 degrees outside. This morning it was even worse. Got woken up at 7 and couldn't get back to sleep because the sound of my cat cleaning herself, disgusting. Ended up having to put her out, only to have her run right back in after opening the door to go get some water. So guess who never got back to sleep. Then my dad went to work and I decided, **** it, I'll just get up. Only after I was out of the warmth of my covers I started freezing to death. Lips got real dry and chapped. Miserable. Now I'm out of the shower, dried my hair but I'm still cold. Parents are drinking. I cannot live long this way. Something had better change and soon.

[Nammu]

Had a very revealing chat with the case worker. Every since this last depression which was different than any before I've felt like I'm just floating along, not careing about much. Just an empty husk floating whichever way the wind blows. My fire has died but she said it was still there under the ash, waiting to be flamed into life anew. But she noted I do have goals, I want to get myself back I want to care and have interest in things again. I guess that's what is meant by baby steps, I kind of thought goals had to be grander and more encompassing. Like I want to get this job or do art again, but those are beyond me at the moment.

[lonely-and-sad]

Nothing much changes. I woke up with a heavy feeling of depression. My mind is focusing on everything that is wrong in my life. And there is plenty wrong. Year after year of torture.

[TheOriginalMe]

I wish I could sleep. Too many silly trivial distractions and annoyances. Anxiety is the pits. Worse than depression? I'm not sure. At least I understand that anxiety has triggers and that makes it more predictable than my depression. I just need to learn those triggers.

[Turtlesoup]

Didn't sleep so great last night-one of the bags on our recycle bins was blowing in the gusting wind last night & it was freaking my cat out (he is such a big Baby Huey) so he kept waking me up. Felt really good today though-maybe too good. Got a lot done today but was really talking a lot & hyper giddy-pdoc warned me that upping my Prozac for my OCD could make me manic-oh well at least I feel good now & not depressed. Made my hubby aware in case I go all kooky & try to book a trip to Paris or something. Oh the constant juggling of meds, coping skills & issues

Greeaaat. On top of everything else, now my mom and my older sister have just had a big blowup via text. I know now each of them will be wanting me to take their side... How to remain neutral in a feud between two people you love and care about so much? I feel like we're cursed or something. It's been one thing after another after another, surely the string of misfortune will have to end sometime? Surely? Hopefully?

Maybe?

[Heineburg]

hey I'm new to this whole thing, and I'm sorry to intrude.. I just wanted to offer a bit of positive reinforcement. the depression cloud is dark and dank, and it is a strangely comforting place to keep refuge in.

I know comforting is probably not the right word, but do you know what i mean?

not a good feeling by any means, but when my loved ones see me depressed and say 'hey, why don't you play a game or listen to some music that will distract you?'

even when i know they are right i ignore them, just to soak in the sense of helplessness. I am not saying y'all do this at all but if you force yourself to immerse yourselves in something you love, it really helps. even just a little bit..

I'm sorry if this is cliche and annoying... i suffer immensely and i just want to offer a hand of help.

forgive me if i am out of place. I am very new to this forum..

[Heineburg]

Originally Posted by ShyPoetGirl

Greeaaat. On top of everything else, now my mom and my older sister have just had a big blowup via text. I know now each of them will be wanting me to take their side... How to remain neutral in a feud between two people you love and care about so much? I feel like we're cursed or something. It's been one thing after another after another, surely the string of misfortune will have to end sometime? Surely? Hopefully?

Maybe?

the best thing is to offer personal advice to both, in the sense that you make each one understand what the other one feels. don't take sides, but offer an impartial referee stance. I have had this problem with my friends who broke up, and regarded me as a middle man to vent to.

say 'well, so and so is acting this way because she is feeling this'

and vice versa and so and so.. i am sorry if this doesn't help, but it is a very good way of not choosing sides, but acting as a mediator to help each side 'wear the other shoe' if that makes sense. xx

[favoritefountain2]

Just got to work. Have a meeting this morning with my manager to discuss another individual and his management style. I don't think it is going to go well. My SME, my PO, my PM, and my BA are all with me. But the two managers have been buddies for years, and my manager lets the other manager (the one I'm having problems with) go crazy. So it is going to be intense.

Yes, I've already updated my resume and started applying elsewhere. That just makes me feel like I'm running away again though.

[regretful]

It just does not seem to be getting any better at all. If there was only a way to turn back time just a bit...how can I live in this misery..?

[Bark]

Stayed in bed until I had to go to my appointment. By that point I hadn't eaten in a day. Afterwards, I skipped my class because I didn't particularly feel like walking all the way there, and more importantly, I was starting to feel a bit dizzy. So I had something to eat. On my back to bed, I saw a friend and decided to sit and chat. By the time we parted ways, I realized I was feeling better. Thank goodness. The food probably helped.

I'm telling myself not to wonder why I'm better, and if I should be feeling depressed... no, if I'm feeling better, I'd better take that feeling and run with it because who knows how long it'll last?

[tigersassy]

Why is it when you think you've overcome one thing ten more get added?

Originally Posted by Heineburg

the best thing is to offer personal advice to both, in the sense that you make each one understand what the other one feels. don't take sides, but offer an impartial referee stance. I have had this problem with my friends who broke up, and regarded me as a middle man to vent to.

say 'well, so and so is acting this way because she is feeling this'

and vice versa and so and so.. i am sorry if this doesn't help, but it is a very good way of not choosing sides, but acting as a mediator to help each side 'wear the other shoe' if that makes sense. xx

Thanks. This is very helpful. I'll try to do this the best I can, although I'm worried neither of them will take me seriously because I'm younger. I will see what I can do, though.

[TheOriginalMe]

I took an unexpected day off work today. I swapped my day off from Friday because yesterday my mum had got herself in a bit of a tizzy and I felt she needed the company today. The weather was benign for mid November and I went for a walk in the woods. There are still a few trees with leaves on here and the colours were pretty. My dog had a wonderful time and I saw a roe deer close up, it is a while since I've spotted a deer.

Hi all, keeping up with this thread. Hugs to all of you struggling. We are in the midst of some really bad weather.. I'm wondering if I'll be able to walk anywhere in it. I have had my x-ray, waiting for an MRI. Wait lists are long. Still can't feel much emotions. Feel like I have nothing of value to say. Just hope everyone gets some relief and sending good thoughts.

[lonely-and-sad]

I woke up with more hope today. The thought occurred to me that the world has some clever people researching depression. And whilst nobody here can offer a fix we might yet see improvements re treatment.

[tigersassy]

Depression has its moments where it runs everything. Being referred to a hemotologist and being prepared for having leukemia just adds to it. Anxiety is a bit high because today they do the bone marrow biopsy. Which means I'll have no results for at least a week. I'm trying too be ok. I think I'm still in a bit of shock because all of this is happening so quickly. Regular blood work done on Thursday for my Pdoc to check my thyroid (which is fine). Showed my white blood cell count at 114000 when normal is only at most 10000. Friday was more blood work and more tests. Tuesday an appt with the hemotologist and today a bone biopsy. I want to cry, but I can't seem to. I laugh about it. Which makes me seem slightly insane I think. But oh well time to get ready for this.

[regretful]

Woke up again in utter disbelief that this is my life...what the heck happened to me? I hate this depression...

[favoritefountain2]

Went into my work meeting yesterday. Good news: apparently I'm doing a phenomenal job. My work is going in front of our CEO and he is very impressed. So the manager who was causing me problems is more in trouble for interfering with me, then I am for not achieving his goals.

I'm not sure which is worse: 1) that I thought I was in so much trouble, or 2) I was shocked people liked my work. I need to stop beating myself up, and be confident in who I am.

[Factory Poet]

I often lack confidence at my job when I am depressed. I am glad to hear others approve of your efforts. Well Done