[tigerlily84]

Left a message for the doctor...yesterday. Still haven't heard back. So... that does not feel great. I'm all over the place. Mostly good so I hope that will continue at least.

[waterknob1234]

I called my doctor yesterday for a refill of my stomach medicine. I still have not heard back. It seems like I was really getting out of my depression. Then yesterday I came home from work so tired I couldn't muster the strength to do anything, not even to read my e-mail or get on my computer. Of course due to a busy schedule I have been away for a few days. I had mild migraines today and I felt paranoid all day. I know its not true, but I can't help but feel like certain people at work are out to get me.

On the bright side I am going on vacation next week.

[TheOriginalMe]

Worried. Stuck in a pointless loop where I think about hurting myself so the pdoc will have to take me on and then I decide that I only want help if it is because I'm worth helping and not because I SI. I'd feel bad if I chose to SI and then I use not doing it to make myself feel worse. I used to respect myself for staying safe, it felt like a positive achievement, now it feels like a massive barrier that prevents me from getting help. There is a nagging voice saying "Go on, just once, that will be enough". I keep answering back, saying no, not yet. Pathetic,why can't I just break this thought pattern, it is leading nowhere.

[Shriveled Muse]

As I think and mull and despair over the disaster that is my life (unfortunately), I constantly think about that one option. But even as I plan, there is this guilt that pesters me at the end of every chain. I curse it, trying to be rid of it and trying to convince myself otherwise. The curse of this guilt that serves as my tether to my personal living hell.

I suppose I should be grateful for it even as I curse its existence.

Was woken up at 7:30 this morning by the trucks emptying out the dumpsters not far from my house. They always do it so early, no one can get any sleep. I have a headache now, am planning on going to the library later because I have books that are due. However, I feel so insecure and ugly. I get anxious at the very thought of having to be seen in public. Nobody likes to be burdened by having to look at a fat and ugly girl, and they make sure you know it. I can only try to ignore the mean looks, but it really gets me down.

Mom is also awake and is already drinking. I hate her always being drunk.

[regretful]

Holding on to hope...

My mood is better but now I'm dealing with pain and needing to get things done which seems like an overwhelming task. Just bending over to pick something up is very painful

ShyPoetGirl, (I hope you don't mind this) I'm sorry for what you are going through and dealing with. Just want you to know as a young girl I was very concerned with how I looked and worried I wasn't good enough or would be looked down on. There are so many people in the world who struggle with their weight and worry about their own looks, they are too busy with their own lives to be concerned of how you look. Everyone judges themselves too harshly and I hope you can find it in you to accept yourself as you are. The library is a great place to go, hope you do.

Originally Posted by needarealitycheck

ShyPoetGirl, (I hope you don't mind this) I'm sorry for what you are going through and dealing with. Just want you to know as a young girl I was very concerned with how I looked and worried I wasn't good enough or would be looked down on. There are so many people in the world who struggle with their weight and worry about their own looks, they are too busy with their own lives to be concerned of how you look. Everyone judges themselves too harshly and I hope you can find it in you to accept yourself as you are. The library is a great place to go, hope you do.

Thank you for this. Unfortunately, I've decided not to go anywhere today, I'll just pay the fines. I really hate going places because people always look at me like I should be dead or something. I am really very ugly.

[TheLastChapter]

Gosh. The past week has just been awful. Every night I have cried. And it is over little stuff that shouldnt matter. But I just have been super emotional lately. My advisor for school wants me to get a document from my doctor with my diagnosis. They said that they could "help" me when my school work. It is hard to admit to my university that I have an illness that makes school hard for me. Yesterday was also the first day that I actually cried infront of my counselor. It was the first time she really saw me upset and depressed. She really had to dig at me to get me to talk. I just have been really out of it lately. I just kind of wanna stay in bed. I wish I could. I feel so exhausted. Just ready for this depressive wave to be done.

[TheOriginalMe]

I got the breakthrough I needed today. The local mental health team took me on, this is despite all the things that they have used as excuses in the past for not taking me on. I'm not complaining, just confused. However, I have support, at last. What a relief.

[co146]

Hi, I am new here. Just trying to find something to do. My depression and anxiety control me, I do nothing all day but stare aimlessly at the television. Hope everyone is okay.

Cassie.

It seemed like this was a pretty bad week for me. Fortunately, nothing very major though. But lots of little things going wrong. It started from Sunday morning to now. Funny thing is that I had some conversations at work; and everyone else said the same thing. I wonder if it's because of the New Moon phase? Yesterday there was a slight eclipse of the sun. I tend to believe in craziness that happens with phases of the moon.

For instance, last Sunday morning the church service was not that good for me. And later on that night, I banged my foot in the pool. And for three evenings, the pool area had some real bad people in there; which does not happen very often.

This morning, the janitor at my job threw out my lunch. It was her job to clean the refrigerator today (a once a month thing), but she did it so early. She should have waited until the afternoon to do it. She must have thrown out other people's lunches, too. I tried to control myself with her because she made me so mad. I had to go out and buy lunch for myself; and I have tried to save money because of financial struggles lately. I wasn't just mad because of throwing away my lunch, but mostly because I don't like her. She's difficult to work with. Very bossy and not bright.

[Shriveled Muse]

My sister tried to help me. I know rationally that she is well meaning and just wants to help. I know. She's been through similar things but not as bad as I as I found out from what she said. But it didn't help at all. If anything, she only made things worse saying triggering things and making me hysterical if not downright delirious. I found that talking to people about this while stressed does not help in the slightest. I'm going to have a major headache tomorrow from all the crying.

I just want to sleep forever. Never again wake up into this never-ending nightmare.

[gracebuttercup]

Being physically ill amplifies how alone i am. No one to ask to get something for me. I have to get things for myself. Someone emailed asking me to get something for her at Costco. I explained I would. But it might take a while because I have strep. She didnt email back. I am alone unless I am helping or giving. Other than that I am invisible and forgotten.

[Bark]

Feeling much better today. Hoping it lasts. Did quite a bit of tidying up, with the art area and going through the board games. There were metal Monopoly pieces once, I remember, haha.

Guess I'll see what happens Monday.

[TheOriginalMe]

Tonight the clocks go back an hour for winter. That means an hour extra in bed, it also means that it will be dark by 5:30pm. By the middle of December it will be dark at 4pm and not light until 8:30am. I really hate not seeing daylight during the week, I really feel for anyone with seasonal affective disorder.

Not much of a day for me. But very busy, like a typical Saturday. Late this morning I went to a recycle place because I had some scrap metal. Much to my disappointment I didn't get any money for it. And I drove a bit of a way to get there, never mind that it was in a bad area of town. Thank God I was safe! And I got lost leaving there, too!

Just did some housecleaning and shopping. That's it. I will go on a bike ride for an hour before dinner. What a thrill! It's what I always do. Nothing lined up for me on a Saturday night. I don't remember when was the last time I went out on a Saturday night and had a great time. I think it was a couple of years ago when I went to visit an ex-friend to have dinner with he and his girlfriend. That was not too great to say the least!

[tigerlily84]

I got the job. I am so shocked, I really thought I blew it at the interview. I don't start till December 1st, but that's okay because it gives me more time to tie up loose ends at my current job. I'm thinking I might just put in my 2 wks notice on Monday, because it will give me 3 weeks off lol. I need this change. And the pay is better, and it's closer to my house too.

Now I just need to get my pdoc to learn how to use a phone and call me back...

[gracebuttercup]

Originally Posted by tigerlily84

I got the job. I am so shocked, I really thought I blew it at the interview. I don't start till December 1st, but that's okay because it gives me more time to tie up loose ends at my current job. I'm thinking I might just put in my 2 wks notice on Monday, because it will give me 3 weeks off lol. I need this change. And the pay is better, and it's closer to my house too.

Now I just need to get my pdoc to learn how to use a phone and call me back...

hi. i just wanted to congratulate you.

[gracebuttercup]

feeling a tiny bit better today. But its hard to not do things that I need to do. I did go to 2 stores. I needed almond milk. And I needed lettuce somewhere else. That went well. Someone who depends on my messaged today asking if she could call me. So that may be a bit of a challenge. I am not well enough to care for her at this time. But I also cannot say no. All I could do is let her know I am ill with strep. I am not a master of bounderies. Okay, I am terrible at them. I am hoping I will be feeling well soon.

Hi it's about midnight here. I'm tired :P. I ate mcdonalds today and I feel guilty. I also know I shouldn't, being in nutrition school and all. I'm not beating myself up though. There was a party at my aunts house today and I didn't go. I let my negative thoughts overcome me. I'm going to make more of an effort next time tho. I read a really good blog post on compassion toward others. It made me feel better, and like theres other pol other than me that have problems. I like being positive, and I want to be positive daily. It is a goal of mine. I believe theres power in positivity. Night.

[Rose76]

Got a lot done past two days. Feel much better.

[Girn]

Been a lots of ups and downs.

Feel like the ECT treatments are actually helping! I actually read a book yesterday, which I haven't done in months in months (just not interested). I would have to say my depression has gone from severe to the mild end of moderate. It may sound corny, but it actually feels like a rebirth of sorts. I get to rediscover life again and actually plan some activities! I'm trying not to expect too much too soon, but to just go with the flow and be gentle with myself.

So we're getting to a better place now. My parents are working things out and are definitely not going to split up. I am so relieved. All day yesterday they were talking about putting down the booze for good, I'm not gonna let them get my hopes up 'cause they've done this before and then went right back. But I feel good. Except for two nights ago, when I told my sister I wouldn't being going to NM to live with her. I think she's mad at me and I keep thinking of our texts. But to be fair, she didn't even bother asking me first before buying the ticket and setting up the ride to the airport. And then she kinda rushed me into making a decision...Not that I'm not grateful to her going through all that trouble! I just can't fly by myself when I've never even been in a plane before... Oh well.