[tigerlily84]

Yesterday I finally started to feel like I was getting over this cold. I had all this energy, and I was even in a good mood. Well it turned out I had too much energy, because I was simply not tired at all, and I had to take melatonin to go to sleep. I blame the med increase of wellbutrin. It always does this to me. I feel tired, but good. Today is the last day at my job. I will miss seeing my coworkers... most of them at least.

[lonely-and-sad]

I am broken. The question is can I build myself into something else? The breakdown of a relationship left me shattered as well. And my heart still cries.

[regretful]

Having a hard time getting "un-miserable"...waiting, and waiting on a reply for a job for which I interviewed isn't helping, and my descent into depression, an illness that seems to be a bottomless pit, continues. But despite that, I continue to hold positive thoughts and prayers for all of you to make it through the tough times of this.

[aprillynn197]

Have no motivation or interest in anything and I have kids to take care of. Im a terrible mother

[angelene]

I'm dreading the stuff I have to do today. It's not a lot, but it feels like a lot. I have to drive to my sister's house to deliver some money she needs post-haste. Then I might have to go to where my late father used to work. I hate going there but there's no way around it. I wish I didn't become so scared of driving. I keep freaking out on the highway instead of being able to enjoy the ride...

[aprillynn197]

Feel so low and so down. I cant get on my feet again.

[Turtlesoup]

Very tired this morning-got minimal sleep last night up & down a lot-bleh. My cat is sleeping in a funny position this morning so that made me smile, will try & shake off my slothness & make some breakfast. This feels like a good day to read so I think that is my plan.

So there's a definite pattern going on here. Seems like every time my dad gets a pint of whiskey in him, he becomes this mean, self-centered person who expects everyone to give him what he wants, and to act in only the way he wants them to act. He's never been this way with me...in person. But last night he treated Mom like **** (again), made her cry, etc.

What happened was, (and this is what Mom told me herself today), he started acting all lovey-dovey toward her, sat with her and all that. Well, Mom's not stupid - she knows from past experience that when he's drunk and acts like that, he's usually doing it to try to get her to go have sex with him. And she didn't want to last night. So while he was being all cuddly with her and ****, she brought it up and said, "I hope you know this doesn't mean we're going to have sex tonight." Didn't say it in a nasty tone or anything, just pointed it out to him matter-of-factly. But oh, he didn't like that. He shot right up and barked, "Well, I'll just get away from you, then!", stormed out into the kitchen.
So Mom had followed him to see what the hell his problem was. She confronted him. He then got angry with her, told her that he wanted to end the relationship, that he loved and cared about her but wanted "to be free". They fought for at least an hour, because I heard them fighting, only I couldn't hear what all they were saying.

Apparently, according to Mom, at some point in the fight he brought me up...saying how I need to see about getting a job and moving out, since I am now 18. (Keep in mind, that's coming from a man who lived with his mom until he was THIRTY, and didn't even get his driver's license until my mom was pregnant with me.) So now it seems like he's not only eager to be free of Mom, but me as well. I can't help feeling slightly hurt.

I don't know if I can stand living this way for much longer. Neither does Mom. Now that her SSI is almost gone, now that she's handed out almost all of her money to him (and others), it's like he now wants absolutely nothing to do with us. You know what that tells me.

According to Mom, he was apologetic again this morning, which is part of the usual pattern. He said while sober that he doesn't really want to break up, he was only drunk (his usual excuse these days), blah, blah.

Now he is gone and walking to the liquor store. I can't help feeling all this trepidation, as no doubt tonight will only be more of the same. I really don't know if I can handle much more of this.

[Nammu]

All in all its been a good day today, it's a beautiful day (sunny and a brisk 50 degrees) so I took the back roads to get my HC placard renewed and treated myself to a sale at half price bookstores after I got my errands done. the only blip was an email from my sister remonstrancing me to "behave" when I go home for the holidays and reminding me that our mother is very deaf so I need to make allowances for that. . She's almost 15years older and was a main caretaker of me when I was very young. Still it gets irksome I'm 55!

I'm leveling off and getting more into a routine which makes it easier to sleep. That makes it easier to get up! All the running around I had to do today and I was home by 1pm! I didn't get out of bed most days until 4-5 pm. I'm definitely on the mend though I still feel remote from people.

[TheOriginalMe]

Grrrr. Work is still hard. Now I'm getting nervous about my first Community Mental Health Team appointment. When I get nervous about medical appts I start to believe I'm making up my depression, that I'm not ill at all just a fraud. Idk why I do this, I feel guilty for needing help perhaps?

[Turtlesoup]

Originally Posted by TheOriginalMe

Grrrr. Work is still hard. Now I'm getting nervous about my first Community Mental Health Team appointment. When I get nervous about medical appts I start to believe I'm making up my depression, that I'm not ill at all just a fraud. Idk why I do this, I feel guilty for needing help perhaps?

I've felt like that before & it sucks-I've had people, especially family, interrogate me so much it makes me feel like I'm making things up when if they had any idea how much courage it takes to talk about this stuff they would know no one would put themselves through that. It's a habit for me that's hard to break-I recently started over with a new team & sometimes I get anxious & think they don't believe me so I have to take a few moments to breathe & walk around & kind of ground myself before I can go on-remember you are not alone & breathe breathe breathe.

Hi everybody,
Well I feel mostly out of depression, but I think I'm just finally pushing things out of my mind more than not being depressed. I can still tell it is there. I feel like I'm much less of a person than other mothers my age. I had asked to meet someone who is a mother to a boy that spends time with my son a lot. I get very nervous and worry about dirt (grew up with a mom that is a perfectionist when company comes), so I still get worried things will never look good enough. I don't feel like I know myself very well, who I am, and I have no boundaries. I find I just open up and tell people things that are personal, and they may go away and wonder what kind of person I am.

In lots of ways though I don't care anymore how I am perceived or if I'm judged. I just want to be comfortable and my son to be happy as he can be. He struggles so much with learning and I feel like I've already got a reputation as being a bad mom. No one knows though what it is like to have been me. I'm tired and sore, and that seems to take precedence over everything else lately.

[gracebuttercup]

I was doing okay until I talked to my mom. She picked up the phone to once again tell me why I called at a wrong time. Its never a right time to hear from me. Even though I never ever talk about a problem or anything bad. She monopolizes the entire conversation. Actually she didnt even ask me how i was. she just talked about all the money she spent. And all the good things she did ( I am poor) then she said bye. As usual not asking even how I am. I was thinking of visiting her for thanksgiving. But I know she could crush me like a bug.

[lonely-and-sad]

One day rolls into the next. I have no energy to tackle my mounting troubles.

Does anybody want to know how I'm doing? I wonder, because that's what I'm thinking about.

[Bark]

Originally Posted by brokenentity

Does anybody want to know how I'm doing? I wonder, because that's what I'm thinking about.

I do.

[Bark]

Sick with the flu, but I have things to do. At least I got another week to study for the exam I missed.

I don't take any meds for the flu. Call me stubborn, but I don't like to take meds unless I need them (I can live with a headache and a runny nose).

Can't say moodwise where I'm at, but I'm fine. Just worn out.

I made sure to come home earlier today (before sunset!) and I'm just sitting back and waiting for laundry to finish. Then back out again for a gym class. I might be sick, but I want to stick with it.

Originally Posted by Bark

I do.

Thank you, I feel a little better already.

[tigerlily84]

My last day was great. I was floored to discover that my coworkers decorated my desk and brought cupcakes. On the very bad days, I felt horrible, and imagined that my boss hated me and my coworkers hated me too. So it was a good day. Mostly I feel pressure to "hang out" with them. Which I don't mind, and I do want to see them, but it's just a lot of social interaction for me. I'm tired. And the first day at my new job is tomorrow. I think I made a mistake agreeing to start so soon. Hopefully it will go well. I'm excited and nervous.

[regretful]

I just can't seem to get terrible thoughts out of my head. Depression...in thinking about how long that this has been going on, I am coming to the conclusion that it is forever...I hate this disease...

[boomerango]

Yes. I can't stop crying today. tears standing at the ready.

[tokiwartooth]

So it turns out the guy that is so interested in me at work is married with a kid and wants to cheat on his wife. I was like hell no. What a moron.

[Rose76]

Doing pretty okay.

[Turtlesoup]

Originally Posted by brokenentity

Does anybody want to know how I'm doing? I wonder, because that's what I'm thinking about.

I care too.

[Turtlesoup]

It's raining here today-going to make some yummy yogi tea. I've been really anxious about my student loans which I had requested a deferment on & this morning I got the email-1 year deferment yay-such a weight off me. Hopefully I can focus on working with my team in order to be more self sufficient.