[TheOriginalMe]

I'm confused, vaguely disappointed and being completely unreasonable. I wish I understood why, maybe I'll feel better after some sleep.

Another Thanksgiving Day has come and gone. Once again I had the dinner by myself. Well, I just look at it like it's just another day. Except the dinner was exceptional as I had a Cornish game hen. I only have it once a year.

I went to visit my friend briefly. He had his son and son's daughter to visit. My friend didn't invite me to come and visit. I invited myself. My friend acted a little bit strange when I saw him. There seemed like a little bit of tension in the house, so perhaps that could have been the reason that my friend acted strange.

Today felt like a lonely day. I don't have anything lined up for the rest of the weekend.

[VB1313]

Well it's almost 5 AM as I start writing this, haven't slept yet. I was supposed to cook the dinner... what I guess most people would call yesterday. It's not tomorrow to me until the sun rises, or I wake up, whichever comes first. Another night of searching for I don't know what, but I can never sleep until I'm either exhausted, or (in theory at least) until I find what I was looking for... which of course can't be found.

People were very understanding, well, no... the people I care about were very understanding. The others can take a long walk off a short pier. At any rate, I will make the dinner planned for yesterday today.

I wish I could say people being understanding helps, but it kinda doesn't. The feelings of nothing to live for, no reason to be, persist... no matter how many kind words or hugs. I don't know why they care about me. I'm grateful that they do, but I'll never really understand why. It's like they exist just to contradict me when I say no one cares, heh, but somehow it doesn't help.

[regretful]

Simply existing again...the depression is an ever-present companion that I'm reminded of when I wake up with anti-depressant induced nausea. In an attempt to alleviate the suffering a little bit, I offer to all a good thought for today that even for a brief bit the mood lifts.

[lonely-and-sad]

I am thinking I have run out of options. The doctor says that since all the anti depressants I have taken have given me 100% sexual dysfinctiont then its most likely all the others will as well. I am depressed. I have no way out of depression unless I accept that I will never again have a relationship. Its an impossible choice. I have suffered enough there is no quality of life nothing to look forward to. I have no social interaction not much by way of occupation and the money I have is going to run out. My life is just dreadful. I want to die.

[tigerlily84]

Yesterday I felt pretty irritable and down. I think it had more to do with my migraine though. I have read that it can cause mood changes. I still feel down today, but it's not severe. I made it out to my aunt's house and saw my family for thanksgiving dinner. I was late though because I had to take my mom to the nursing home to see my grandma. I think it was better that I was only there for a short time because I didn't feel well. Overall I'm okay.

[Turtlesoup]

Feeling very disconnected to everything today-like I'm here but I'm not here. Hard to describe-have an undercurrent of potential anxiety & irritability cause I want to stay home today & we were invited to visit friends of my husband which I don't want to go to-I get so sick & tired of doing & going to things that I don't want to do-bleh. I want to go to that mythical place of do anything that you like in your free time. I know if I go I will be siting there with some kind of frozen look on my face with an endless loop of "I don't want to be here" circling through my brain. Crap crappity crap.

[Bark]

Feel like my brain is out to get me. So distraction is the name of the game. Tomorrow I'm forcing myself to study one way or the other.

And because I didn't pick up any ready-made food and I'm not in the mood to go back out or to cook, I have cereal I don't like to look forward to (first time I buy it, but might as well finish it). It's edible.

Distraction, distraction....

I'm getting very anxious now. This new guy I'm seeing is pressuring for sex. I haven't been able to think straight or eat right. It seems he is telling some lies, how will I know? After my marriage I feel I can't trust anymore.

[TheOriginalMe]

I wasn't doing great today and then I had a run in with a vile person and that finished me off. I tried to offer an olive branch but it didn't work. I guess it was payback for all the times I've been vile to other people, it still hurts though.

A busy day, but lonely. I kept on thinking that today is Saturday, but it's Friday. Yesterday I did the laundry, went to visit my friend briefly, did a bike ride, and cooked a T-Giving dinner for myself. Today, I went into my normal Saturday routine - housecleaning and shopping. Spending some time with myself can be bad because I get thinking about what's wrong with me. But it's all not true, though.

My friend had invited me to his house for a family Thanksgiving dinner today. I ended up not going. I thought about going at first, but I changed my mind. At the time the dinner would have started, I was busy doing my things. But in reality, I would have made it if I really wanted to. I don't feel comfortable in family settings that are not mine. I hardly know the people that would be there. There were going to be a few others who are not family. It was his daughter and husband this time. I met them one time and didn't like them. The others that would have been there are Chinese students and they would be coupled. So I don't think I missed too much.

My friend is getting more understanding of me now lately. He used to get mad at me for not wanting to come out to things. I am very introverted and he's extroverted. It's amazing how opposites attract, but they can have a difficult time understanding each other.

I'm getting ill. I'm becoming a bit paranoid. This guy said I'm weird because I was crying the other night. I'm not able to take any more criticism right now

Not well today. I'm very depressed. I wish it wouldn't get dark so soon. I haven't seen the sun in forever it feels like. It's always cloudy, and then it gets dark before 6. If only I could see the sun shine through my blinds, then maybe I would be okay. I'm also having this terrible, terrible brain fog. It almost feels as though I'm under the influence of something...and not in a good way.

[Shriveled Muse]

Is it weird that I prefer to wallow in my own despair (painful yes, but more still more comfortable) than risking venturing out to do things? I would like to say that I'm glad that school is over but I've got papers and exams and no motivation to do any of them.

[TheOriginalMe]

Originally Posted by ShyPoetGirl

Not well today. I'm very depressed. I wish it wouldn't get dark so soon. I haven't seen the sun in forever it feels like. It's always cloudy, and then it gets dark before 6. If only I could see the sun shine through my blinds, then maybe I would be okay. I'm also having this terrible, terrible brain fog. It almost feels as though I'm under the influence of something...and not in a good way.

I so relate to missing the sun. Where I am sunset is before 4pm and sunrise after 8am. It has been grey and foggy for days. The last time I was outside in sunshine was for half an hour a week ago. I hate winter! I don't like summer much if it is hot. I like frosty nights and cold, crisp mornings with warm afternoons.

[TheOriginalMe]

I stayed at home today, I wanted to go out but I couldn't face the prospect of meeting anyone unpleasant like yesterday. That woman was a really nasty piece of work as I'm feeling so guilty about some of the stuff she said and blaming myself, she has really messed with my head.

[H-H-H-H]

Ups and downs are here to stay. The way is to do what you may to keep the lows at bay.

[aprillynn197]

Originally Posted by TheOriginalMe

I stayed at home today, I wanted to go out but I couldn't face the prospect of meeting anyone unpleasant like yesterday. That woman was a really nasty piece of work as I'm feeling so guilty about some of the stuff she said and blaming myself, she has really messed with my head.

Hate when people get in your head like that.

[Rose76]

Finally started cleaning my place a few hours ago. That usually means I'm working my way up from a depressed rut.

[aprillynn197]

So bored right now

[Bark]

Feeling better today. I gave myself a big goal for today: "sit outside in the sun for half an hour". I figured that by going outside, I'd be more likely to eat, which is good. I've realized that I have food, but not much protein and it's hard for me to cook when depressed. Probably doesn't help. I felt better after having tuna yesterday. Now I could just make eggs, but my big goal is getting sunlight. And it's a sunny day thankfully! Better stop wasting time or it'll set.

Still in this horrible, awful mind fog. I thought it would at least lift a little by today. Nope. Still very depressed, as the sun is yet again choked with dense thicks of clouds, and it's been raining, as shown by the wet black roads. Keep thinking of people I never see anymore, because of death and distance and fallings-out. I've realized the only person I have in my life is my mom, and she has lung and liver cancer and will probably pass before I'm 25. I'm 18 now, and way too young to be so alone. But here I am...

[Rose76]

Coming out of depression.

[tigerlily84]

Yesterday I had an argument with my mom. I said something cruel and I wish I could take it back. I find myself lashing out at people. But usually it's my mom, and I feel terrible about it. For me, lashing out like that is a sign that depression is coming back. I think the only way to explain it is that I'm angry at myself, for not being able to deal with life when so many others manage it so easily. And self-flagellation is difficult to maintain, so I lash out in anger. I have to make this better but I'm not sure how.

[Turtlesoup]

Yesterday was a pretty good solid day but then yesterday evening I felt myself sort of gearing down-it's raining here or I would get outside & hike-that would make me feel better I think-I hate this feeling like my depression has been able to get a real grip on me & will pull me under-bleh I'm hoping the Prozac will do it's job & help me hang on-I just am not up to a depressive spell right now. Just have to fight going back to bed & pulling the covers over head-wow hate feeling like this.