hurting

Sorry if I am posting too much. I am just feeling the need to vent. This morning I woke up with a sense of dread about going to work. An anxiety attack almost. I hate worrying about what will happen at work today. I am still nursing my wounds from the big event on Wednesday when I was called into the office manager's office. I tried to stay quiet and stay out of everyone's way. At one point today I contemplated ending my life, but of course decided against it. I always come up with reasons to stay here, even if I am hurting.

In spite of how I feel, the day was not so bad. It was a busy day at work but everyone left me alone. For this I am thankful, and God answered my desperate prayers. I wish I could overcome my negative feelings and be a better mom to my adult children.

Sorry for the long post. Just needed to vent.

this was in no way a long post and don't feel guilty about posting when you are hurting and need to reach out. that is what we are here for, to support you. if you need to pm, add me to your friends list. I would be happy to listen. I spent most of my life thinking about ending it for one reason or another and then always finding a reason to hang on. then the right meds, the rigjt t came along and I finally crawled out of that darkness that had surrounded me all my life. I know what it is like to have no hope but to search for it at the same time. hang in there and take care

I'm grateful. Thank you both.

Went away, that's what PC is for.

I don't think you can post too much. Vent anytime. It's not just good for you, but it's good for the rest of us to know we aren't alone.

I'm glad you are still here to tell us about it. I hope to see another post tomorrow letting us know you made it to then. Tell you what, I'll check this thread at about 10:00pm tomorrow to make sure you've posted and I'll respond to say that I made it too. How about that.

(((((Waterknob)))))

Hi waterknob, really pleased for you that the day didn't go so bad
I can imagine you must have felt quite drained, but it must have been a relief??
Perhaps try to use it as a little/another reminder that not every day has to be that bad??
I do know, more bad days than good days, right??
But the "good" days can be ahead, just around the corner, if you hang in there/hold out through the harder things.
And just a matter of time before you find another job anyway, right??
And......."I wish I could overcome my negative feelings and be a better mom to my adult children" to a point do you think your negative feelings are telling you that you aren't as good as you actually are as a mom?? Now, that would naturally follow, right??!!
But if you're trying the best you can, however much that is, and you're letting your children know you care for them/love them (in whatever way) when you're able, then you're already streets ahead of plenty of parents out there. So give yourself real credit for that!!!
But........just a thought..........It might even help if you plan in/write down some things you want to do for them/tell them over the week/month, and remember even the smallest of things can mean so much, so no over-planning, OK???!!!! Just some little things!!!
Just a thought.
And forgot to say, sorry!!! You post as much as you want/need to!!! If something's bothering, hurting you or you're struggling it matters!!! And it's great you're giving us the opportunity to try to offer you some understanding/support. So as much as, OK??!!
Alison

Thank you to everyone for your support. So far I have had a nice weekend. I had lots of personal chores to do, but also time to relax. I feel okay when I am not at work. I think I mainly have the constant fear that many of the co-workers and bosses are "out to get me" somehow. This may not be true at all, it is just a nagging feeling I have and it may be part of the depression. I have a lot of bad dreams at night. I don't know if that has to do with medication I am on or again if that is the depression. I am so thankful for all the loving, caring friends I have here.

Hi waterknob, really good to hear this weekend has been going well for you, It can sometimes be about making the most of time off/away, hey??
But I'm guessing you're not going to be looking forward to going back to work
So maybe try to see it as x amount of hours then you will be back home/away from it.
And in that time just try to do the best you can, then in the "bigger picture" whatever anyone is saying at least you'll know that you tried, you did what you felt was right.
And people "out to get you".......hard to say but if they're stressed, and you said it was a stressful environment, then they're going to be a little unfair, unreasonable, abrupt...........at times but that doesn't need to mean they're "out to get you" or that it's that personal, it may feel like it but..............??
And if the stress/anxiety/conflict..........is making you doubt your capabilities/worth or feel that others are doubting it, then it is understandable that you'd feel others were out to get you personally
Just make sure that you know and are proud of your capabilities/worth, OK??!!
The bad dreams............could be the depression or the medication, maybe worth checking with your doctor but for now maybe you could find something in the Sleep issues forum on here that could help a little????
But for tomorrow (?) when you're back to work, you make sure you plan something "nice" for yourself when you get home, hey??
Whatever might "do it" for you e.g. relaxing bath/shower, something good to watch on TV/DVD/online or to listen to, something to enjoy for tea...............
Hoping it doesn't go too bad for you..........but you know we're here for you regardless, right??!!

Alison

, hang in there...everyone needs to vent, so go for it...and you never know when yoyr post helps someone else...even when you are having issues-someone else reads it and says thank god I'm not the only one! I can hang on for another day.
So hang on, .my mom was never able to say much when we were younger-was not her eay but we knew she loved us-she writes the best letters expressing what she feels! She also doex the best thank yous-heart felt-now that we ate adult children. So write them a few sentences..if they can not appreciate you are trying, that is their problem not yours.

Well I didn't keep my word and check in last night. Was kind of a rough night for me and I was exhausted. But just sticking my head in to let you know I'm thinking about you.

I know something about that feeling of waking up with dread about going to work. I had the same feeling this morning. Nobody is giving me trouble at work but I am in a very strange situation where I have very little to do but no one seems to care. My daughter says it's a gift right now since I have been so sick. But I keep wondering how long that can go on before they wonder why they're paying me to do so little. But there is plenty they could do to market my services and they just aren't doing it. It's been that way for the last four months. Anyway, I'm glad you decided to keep living and that the day wasn't so bad and that no one bothered you. I get tired of feeling desperate, too, and of telling God how scared I am. Overcoming those negative feelings certainly is a hard and long journey.