[Kathleen83]

2 years ago, broke my arm, needed surgery to fix it. No insurance, cost $15,000, didn't have surgery, lost my job because I was no longer "physically fit enough" for it. Have had part time crappy jobs since then, that I've managed to work for a few weeks to a few months. Depression and anxiety attacks end up making me flee....can't handle them. Tried getting on disability....was told I wasn't disabled enough. Disability lawyer says same....says try again when I'm older???? Local mental health clinic says don't qualify for financial assistance to get mental assistance, and they don't take my insurance that I now have. Docs don't wanna prescribe Xanax, which at least helps me with the anxiety attacks. Everyone seems to want to ask the same question - am I feeling suicidal or homicidal? My response to them all is, I know if I say yes, you are going to get me locked up "to protect me from myself". I don't WANT to be protected from myself. I want help with the daily physical pain, the daily emotional torment, the near daily anxiety attacks. I've spent the last two years trying to help myself, trying to get help from others, and here I sit, still spiraling down. The only thing I can thing of doing now is to release my rage, and go ahead and do the damage I want to do, because I'm beyond caring. If no one around seems to be able to help me short of me going totally "postal" - then why should I keep holding myself back?

[catlady22]

OMG! I know exactly how you feel. I am trapped in the same vicious cycle as you. I'm not healthy enough to work, but not sick enough to get help supposedly.I feel so trapped and alone sometimes. Anyway I'm not trying to make this all about me. I know how annoying it is when you are trying to confide in someone and all they want to talk about is their own problems. I just wanted to let you know that I do empathize and I wish I could do more.

[waterknob1234]

Hi Kathleen. I understand it is a hard situation. I ran into some of the same brick walls. I could not afford the care of a psychiatrist and therapist. I did not qualify for the affordable community mental health service, nor would they accept my insurance. Anxiety attacks are terrible. In desperation I have thought of self harm before. I wish I had a good answer for you, but you are in my thoughts and prayers. I hope you feel better soon.

[Kathleen83]

Thanks, all.....appreciate knowing someone's listening. Got an appointment to see a family doc in a few weeks.....in the hopes I'll be able to get my hands on some anti-anxiety meds, at least, and maybe some help with the pain, as well. That might at least buy me some time.

[Brintel]

Originally Posted by Kathleen83

Thanks, all.....appreciate knowing someone's listening. Got an appointment to see a family doc in a few weeks.....in the hopes I'll be able to get my hands on some anti-anxiety meds, at least, and maybe some help with the pain, as well. That might at least buy me some time.

It certainly might and I'm rooting for you! Little successes really do attract other successes. I know you'll keep us posted.

[Frankbtl]

Hi Kathleen, it sounds like things have been really hard for you. As if it isn't hard enough having depression and anxiety without everything else piling up on top of you, hey?
But the trouble with getting on disability.............could you appeal that, maybe your doctor could do you a letter verifying how difficult things are for you, if that hasn't already been tried???
Although real kudos to you for managing the bit of part time work you have- and maybe if you could find something just a little easier???? But if not, just be really proud of yourself for having tried so hard
But just be as straight as you can with your doctor, hey?? If you were to be feeling suicidal, it doesn't need to mean that they'll automatically "lock you up", they'd be looking at level of risk before it came to that decision. And there'll be plenty of people who've had those feelings who are treated outside of the hospital with medication, and who've been treated successfully. It's all about what's best for you.
As for other help though.........I've got to really commend you on trying so hard yourself and on wanting/reaching out for help..............just wondering if there are any support groups in your area though, I know these have helped a lot of people. Sending you a link, although there may be more out there:
Support Groups | Anxiety and Depression Association of America, ADAA
But if you want to talk more, hopefully we can help with some support too.

Alison

[Kathleen83]

Frankbtl - a disability lawyer told me not to waste time appealing at this point. As I've avoided medical doctors (but have relented and have an appointment in a few weeks), as well as psych help (cost, plus fear of lockup) - I don't have "documented history" of how broken I am. He also said something about my age being a factor against me....try again next year - apparently there's something magical about being 50. Was also told that since I AM capable of working part time, even while earning lower than what is still allowable under disability rules, I've somehow proven I'm not disabled.....and not being able to HOLD a job long term (thank you anxiety attacks) means nothing. I'll check out your link -thanks for that. As far as I've been able to find, haven't found any support groups around (I live in the boonies....not much in the way of help out here for much of anything.) Right now, just trying to stretch my dwindling supply of Xanax out until I can get in to see a doc (first one in years) - and hope she'll agree to write me a prescription for it. I think that if I can keep myself on that, I'll be able to handle working for a goodly time - xanax is very effective for me. As for the pain....well.....I'm taking my dog's pain pills. No, I'm not making my dog suffer so that I don't have to. She was given them a while back, for a specific issue she's now recovered from. I'm just using up her left-overs. I checked - it's the same pain pills humans get, and actually less addictive (supposedly) than hydrocodone, which I had been taking (someone else's left overs.) So, am still fighting to get what I think I need to be able to KEEP fighting my way thru life, and will continue for now....but still not willing to be honest with any doc about my darker thoughts / feelings / impulses. I know I'm not on the brink of doing anything ....drastic.....but those who don't know me well may not see it that way, and I'll not risk it.

[Frankbtl]

Hi Kathleen, well it's real good that you managed to make an appointment, big step for you hey??!!
Perhaps have a think about and write down beforehand as much as you feel able to tell them, so maybe getting as close to the truth as you can??
And yes, finding the right medication can make a big difference, so hopefully it will help with the work situation. And if you don't manage to get a "great" job, going back to ones like in the past, to start with..........then honestly just be really proud of yourself for working, whatever it is............that's going to be a massive achievement in itself. And you know anyway, it doesn't need to say anything at all about you. Anyone who judges you poorly based on if you're not working, if you're working, what job you do really isn't worth your time anyway!!!
The pain pills.........yes, sometimes pet medication can be exactly the same as the one's sold to people, other than sometimes you pay more for the labeling on pet medication . Just check out the ingredients on the internet to be sure though, if you haven't already??
You might have already seen but there's a Chronic Pain forum on here as well, so I don't know if that might help you.
Best wishes
Alison

[Kathleen83]

Thanks for the encouragement.....greatly appreciated, and much needed. Yes, big step for me to go to a doc - now I just have to make myself go. & you're absolutely right - I do need to think about & write down what I want to talk about, before the appointment. It's gonna be a big enough battle to actually walk in, then another battle to talk of things, and my priorities for doing so could easily get lost in the mix of establishing myself as a new patient.

As for work....having a heck of a time not letting myself quit. Employer is maxing me out on days and hours (5-6 days, max hours 29 per week, will NEVER get beyond that, with this employer.) - which SHOULD be a good thing, but in my current state, isn't. Having all kinds of fights (in my head only) with them over it. What I THINK is a workable compromise is, getting them to cut my days. Weeks where I get only 3 to 4 days seem much more bearable than 5 to 6 days. Have pretty much resolved that if they won't agree to the cut.....then my days there will end.

And then I start thinking I'm self-sabotaging, and letting myself make poor decisions that are more hurtful than helpful, and there I go circling again!

~sigh~ Ok, am doing what I can to battle the depression, it's an old acquaintance that I'm well familiar fighting. I need help with the anxiety and pain....and that means going to the doc....have all ready exhausted other options. IF I manage to get help there, with that (big IF but I'm trying, darn it) - THEN I really do think I can handle the job more easily, or at least think of it more clearly, and maybe accept more days and hours.

Can't quite reach to being proud of myself for working, tho. Or for knocking the socks off my co-workers / bosses on being such a damned GOOD employee. My achievements don't impress me much.....thank you, depression, for stealing that from me.

Will keep the pain forum in mind, thanks for pointing it out. Not ready to fight that battle yet....but do want to eventually look for alternatives to pain pills- the LAST thing I need is to get addicted to those devils!

[Frankbtl]

Hi Kathleen, I'd say that you're right to wait for your appointment and see what help you can get before making any big decisions about the job/the hours you're working. Although I have got to say that six days a week really does sound a lot, even if you are going to get some help. Maybe room for negotiation there???
But if things are getting really tough at work, please don't hesitate to ask for time off, phone in sick........got to put yourself first at times, and things can build up and build up...........
And the not being impressed with your achievements..................well I'm doubly impressed for you!!!!
But you're right, depression can completely flatten those feelings and achievements can seem pretty meaningless compared to...........but they do still matter/they are still important!!!
Now, I know actual achievements can fade into the background, and be easily overlooked/forgotten too, so what about writing some of those down as they happen?? And then at least when the negative feelings creep in (because of course they do) then you have something "real" to try to focus on, to try to redress the balance just a little. Might not often/always work, but...........
And you know talking about those achievements/sharing them with someone else can sometimes help just a little too.
And you know you should get to be proud of yourself!!! Really proud!!!! You're talking serious achievements there!!!

Alison

[Kathleen83]

Thanks again. Problem is....when I look at my achievements....the phrase "yeah so what - so where did it get ya?" always starts playing, over and over, in my mind. I've got the mind set that hard work and determination should bring me tangible results....and I just can't seem to see those.

BUT - today was a good day. Didn't start out that way. My 6 hour non-medicated shift yesterday meant it took me trying twice before I could stand up (ouchie ouchie feet) - hubby had the shop vac running before I made it into the kitchen (loud loud loud) and then the phone rang before I got my first sip of coffee. On a bad day, that combination is enough to turn me into.....well.....a raving lunatic. No other way to put it.

And yet, as inexplicable as the bad stuff is when it tears you down....today that crap didn't drag me down. I cleaned, did laundry, baked a cake, AND engaged in a bit of automotive diagnosis. I'm even feeling hopeful that come Monday (payday & my next day off) I will be able to get what I need to fix my truck.....and hopefully it WILL fix it. Now THAT would be an achievement I will crow about - not shabby at all for a 49 year old woman with a broken arm!

LOL Just re-read my original post, from only three days ago....and then the responses of y'all, up to my post here now. Big change....short time.....and it's enough to drive a sane woman bonkers.....no wonder *I* feel that way so often! But, I guess this saga of mine is a good example of why we shouldn't give into suicidal impulses. As bleak as it looked to me such a short time ago, things might maybe possibly be turning around. Then again,....that might just be my manic depression talking.

Don't care. Today was a GOOD day, and I'm gonna revel in it, and enjoy that I had it. And I think it happened because I had you guys to talk to, so here's a very heart-felt THANK YOU to you all!

[Kathleen83]

Still here. Hubby and work taking up all my time,....still waiting for my doc appointment. Today's another "Screw it gonna quit working" day - but not gonna let myself, even tho I can NOT see the point of forcing myself. Mostly it's because hubby, the cat, AND dog have managed to keep this house in a total state of noise and light and chaos since 5 am today, when I only had about 5 hours of sleep, it broken, because of the pain, because of my crappy little 5.5 hour shift yesterday. So today I get to go BACK for the same shift, only exhausted and still in pain at the START of the shift. My fault, that. I had pain pills...didn't take 'em, don't wanna get hooked on 'em, so just took some Aleve and suffered thru. Yeah that worked well for me.

[Frankbtl]

Hi Kathleen, I've got to really admire your perseverance!!!
Hoping today has been a bit better for you??? Otherwise at least time to lay down some more expectations for your hubby, about the noise....the chaos..............???
I'm guessing sleep can be hard enough for you with the pain anyway, and lack of sleep can certainly impact on depression too...........so the more you can get without the noise...........the chaos..............

Alison

[Kathleen83]

Hiya. Well I have been working on the getting more sleep thing. I insist the phones get unplugged at night, so no more crack-of-dawn (literally) phone calls disturbing me. Then I tried using a noisy fan outside my bedroom door at night - white noise to help block normal household sounds. That didn't really work too well. So then I started using ear plugs. That seems to help. I also quit fighting the pain. I know if it reaches a certain point, I'm not gonna sleep well no matter what, so if I feel I have to, I go ahead and take some pain meds, and try not to worry about my dwindling supply. Try to remain hopeful the upcoming doc appointment will be helpful, for that, for the xanax. I won't usually take any during the day, no matter what, so that I can be certain of having enough to get a good night's sleep.

The xanax I also quit fighting - and I take it every day before work. Again, trying not to worry about the low supply. I haven't had to force myself to NOT quit since I started doing that. I try to just self-control on days off....which didn't work too well yesterday.

Woke up after a good night's sleep. Removed ear plugs. Could hear a VERY large vehicle in my drive (close to my bedroom window) revving the engine, over and over and over. What the?? Figured it was hubby and one of his idiot friends outside, so ok, got company, pull on some clothes. Headed for the bedroom door...the phone starts ringing, cause hubby plugged it back in....but he doesn't answer it, confirming (to me, I thought) that he was outside. Make it halfway to the kitchen, and I hear the door open - but not hubby - was some man I didn't know, sticking his head in and YELLING for hubby. So I retreat back to the bedroom, and grab my nightstick, because that was closest weapon on hand, and I've been up 3 minutes, and WAY too much noise and chaos and no coffee, and where is hubby if he isn't outside with this schmuck, who is walking into my house? So now I come flying out of bedroom, half dressed, hair all a mess, night stick in hand....and get around to the corner, and stranger is not in house - is outside living room window, back in his truck, and laying on the horn. So....needless to say, I had a few choice words to him about disturbing the peace of a residence on a Sunday morning, thru the window. His excuse was, hubby had invited him to come over. So I then turn around to go find where hubby is...and he was in back of house this whole time, totally oblivious. Didn't hear a thing! So after telling him about the situation, we both walk out to the shmuck, who is long gone at this point. I think I mighta scared him. What a way to start the day!

My rage was such that I was shaking. I don't LIKE being like that. I'm far too capable of violence when I get like that. ~sigh~ But, today is day 1 of 5 days working, so the xanax will keep me calm for that long, at least. Starting next week, my employer has agreed to drop me down to 3 days, so hoping that will help, also.

[Kathleen83]

Just checking in. Made it thru the 5 day work week, decompressing this weekend. I'm not letting myself take any Xanax when I'm not working....which isn't working too well for me LOL. Really hoping the doc appointment will be a good one, and I can get some help getting meds to help myself.

[Kathleen83]

Well made it to the doc appointment. Another bad experience. Got lectured on the dangers of pain meds, dangers of Xanax, dangers of mixing pain meds with booze, dangers of mixing xanax with booze. Durned near walked out right in middle of appointment....made myself stay. Had gone in un-medicated, so after all the lecturing, the doc got to see a glimpse of my rages and and an anxiety attack, which by my standards were moderate, by the look on her face, not so much. And soooo.....after telling me all the reasons she didn't wanna give me xanax, she gave me 25 of them (no refills) and put me on an nsaid for the pain and an SSRI. I filled the prescriptions, and have started taking them. I went for the blood work she wanted. I agreed to a follow up appointment in 2 weeks, but did tell her although I would SET the appointment, I could not, would not guarantee, I would follow through with it. I told her point blank I would TRY her way, for now, but that I will NOT continue to live with this level of physical and emotional pain.

[Kathleen83]

Well update time. Haven't been back to doc yet - rescheduled due to conflict with work schedule. Gotta say, LOVE the citalopram. In the past month / 6 weeks, have had baby brother go to jail, found out all kinds of bad stuff going on in house where he and his dad (my step dad) live, hubby's aunt died, work continues to be a grind, driving to work / home from in white-out snowy conditions, ran out of time to appeal disability claim with no lawyer willing to help me fight (not enough medical records)......and I've walked right through all of it.

Normally I have to fight myself to remember to take meds....but all ready, my brain is doing a great job of reminding me to take 'em.

I did blow off attending the funeral of the aunt. I knew her, I liked her, I like (most) of my inlaws....I usually attend such things to support hubby....didn't today. Also, I turned in my resignation at work yesterday. Not beating myself up over either one. One of the reasons why I wish I could find a therapist I could afford (could have afforded when I was working) is, my concern about my poor decisions. But, this feels different. I feel like I've lived far too long doing what others thought I should do, and right now, I'm doing what I feel is right for ME. I may just be justifying bad decisions, can't tell, but really don't care right at this moment.

[Kathleen83]

Well update, and probably the end of this story line I'm a month in, on taking the citalopram. Still nice and calm, stable, didn't know life could be this way, not for me! Some evidence that it is mucking with my blood pressure, causing it to be a bit too high. Doc hasn't caught on to it being from the meds.....she's just thinking that due to my age, weight, smoking, blah blah blah, I need bp meds. I think I'll let her go on thinking that, and stay on the citalopram. Gonna be losing my medical insurance come January 1....but that's no real loss, as they haven't paid anything for me all year anyway. So.....remainder of medical issues will continue untreated.....but I'm sticking with my citalopram (and probably bp meds). Those I can find cheap enough to afford, even without insurance. Thanks to all who have journeyed with me on this....your outreach to me helped.

[Creative1onder]

Originally Posted by Kathleen83

2 years ago, broke my arm, needed surgery to fix it. No insurance, cost $15,000, didn't have surgery, lost my job because I was no longer "physically fit enough" for it. Have had part time crappy jobs since then, that I've managed to work for a few weeks to a few months. Depression and anxiety attacks end up making me flee....can't handle them. Tried getting on disability....was told I wasn't disabled enough. Disability lawyer says same....says try again when I'm older???? Local mental health clinic says don't qualify for financial assistance to get mental assistance, and they don't take my insurance that I now have. Docs don't wanna prescribe Xanax, which at least helps me with the anxiety attacks. Everyone seems to want to ask the same question - am I feeling suicidal or homicidal? My response to them all is, I know if I say yes, you are going to get me locked up "to protect me from myself". I don't WANT to be protected from myself. I want help with the daily physical pain, the daily emotional torment, the near daily anxiety attacks. I've spent the last two years trying to help myself, trying to get help from others, and here I sit, still spiraling down. The only thing I can thing of doing now is to release my rage, and go ahead and do the damage I want to do, because I'm beyond caring. If no one around seems to be able to help me short of me going totally "postal" - then why should I keep holding myself back?

Don't let others negative remarks and approaches stop you from helping yourself. You are the best person for that cos you know yourself well and you know what you want and need.