[darkpurplesecrets]

Depression is really taking a hold and sad thing is I hide it enough no one seems to really know. Or maybe it just isn't any longer important.

Maybe it is just better that way.

This time of year is so hard, getting harder with each passing day. I laid awake for a long time last night, unable to close my eyes for the fear all around me and the memories shaking me to the core.

Tears streamed across my face in the darkness, the same place they streamed so many times, if at all, except within where they were safe and unknown.

Feeling forgotten, like no one sees or knows that I am feeling anything at all. Have I really learned to hide it so well that no one knows?

Have I really pushed away so much that the silence speaks only to me and those within?

Maybe words for me have stopped, like I don't deserve them as I have always felt I didn't and was told.

Fear, anxiety, and hurt are all mangled together, and I don't know where to turn, and I fear reaching out. Sometimes I wonder if my life means anything at all but trouble.

I'm sorry. I don't know what else to say. I just am scared and I hurt.

I hate this time of year. The joy of it never reached me, even as a child. Too much fear and hurt to know what joy ever was supposed to really be.

And when you don't know or understand as a child, it is hard to ever really understand it now. Or at least for us.

So many within are still that child, afraid to feel anything at all but what she has always known......fear, rejection, unimportant, unloved, and above all hated for even being, except for what they wanted....

...a nothing to do whatever they wanted to and be expected to be strong just to prove you could, just to make it out alive. And alive is what we accomplished, but at what cost to ourselves and to the world around us?

Depression sometimes speaks the loudest in the silence of the night......and it holds us hostage to all that the night and we know.................still...........

dps

[kaliope]

this makes me really sad to read this. I experienced this holiday after holiday. this has always been the worst time of year for me. especially new years. I couldn't bear to face another year of this awful life. but what makes me sadder, is that I don't feel this anymore. it seems I have come to an acceptance of this is just how life is for me. the word that stands out for me is joy. I have absolutely no knowledge of how to experience joy. I fear joy because if I get even a shred of it, I know it is going to be ripped away from me. so I just make the best of this joyless life and I just don't think about it anymore.

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((( dps )))))))))))

[Anxious Minds]

The writing here in this post is amazing. If you feel you have nothing else, just know that you have the ability to write in such a way as to evoke the rawness of emotion that exists in all of us.

That said, I think many of us can relate. We all yearn to feel what we are supposed to feel over the holidays, but when we can't we put on our masks and go into the world and pretend everything is okay. All the darkness exists under the surface and we fight to push it out because that's what we are told we must do.

But what if you embraced the darkness? What if you allowed it to wash over you and instead of fighting it, you merely let it happen. What if you let go of your expectations and instead reveled in the one emotion that you know you can feel more powerfully than anyone else?

This depression is a part of you. The more you try to rid yourself of it, the more it clings to you. Let yourself feel that sadness when it comes over you. Give yourself permission to grieve for that which you never had and in that grief you will learn many truths about yourself.

[kray_bray_may]

Holidays and Christmas/New Year's were always a perennial favourite of mine when my father drank. Is there anything in particular you dislike about December?

[kray_bray_may]

Originally Posted by Anxious Minds

We all yearn to feel what we are supposed to feel over the holidays...

I feel you, I really do. It's a toxic cocktail of envy and jealously. It can be contradictory as well - you want to be happy, yet there can be a tendency to cling to the depression. I want to be happy and yet I want to be sad, miserable and mopey. I can go out with friends and be cheerful for a few hours, but I can always see the Black Dog out the corner of my eye. The moment something good happens, I rush to dampen the emotion least I remain heartbroken when the familiar blackness washes over, reminding me that hope is an illusion. Are you afraid to let yourself be happy sometimes? Am I the only one who feels that happiness is temporary and stamps it out with vigor?..

But what if you embraced the darkness? What if you allowed it to wash over you and instead of fighting it, you merely let it happen. What if you let go of your expectations and instead reveled in the one emotion that you know you can feel more powerfully than anyone else?

This depression is a part of you. The more you try to rid yourself of it, the more it clings to you. Let yourself feel that sadness when it comes over you. Give yourself permission to grieve for that which you never had and in that grief you will learn many truths about yourself.

I might try that next time I descend into the pit, however in my case, the gloom is haunted with rage. Afraid I might burst if I give in without repressing it. If it was just sadness, I'd gladly collapse in a dark pit by myself and stare into the oblivion of my mind. But there are too many people around if I were to let my anger take over.. screaming, yelling, smashing, slamming. I'm a simmering cauldron. I'd honestly rather be in a black hole than an inferno.

[Idiot17]

[avlady]

Depression is treatable I've always heaRd but it have it too on many meds and still depressed

[Anxious Minds]

Originally Posted by kray_bray_may

I feel you, I really do. It's a toxic cocktail of envy and jealously. It can be contradictory as well - you want to be happy, yet there can be a tendency to cling to the depression. I want to be happy and yet I want to be sad, miserable and mopey. I can go out with friends and be cheerful for a few hours, but I can always see the Black Dog out the corner of my eye. The moment something good happens, I rush to dampen the emotion least I remain heartbroken when the familiar blackness washes over, reminding me that hope is an illusion. Are you afraid to let yourself be happy sometimes? Am I the only one who feels that happiness is temporary and stamps it out with vigor?..

Well, most emotions are temporary (even sadness). But I get what you mean.

Sometimes it's easier to live with a dull ache of sadness than it is to live with a high flying feeling of happiness that gets crushed by depression. It's that roller coaster of emotion that can be the hardest on us, so if we temper our lives a little bit we can control that up and down by actually keeping ourselves in a perpetual dull ache rather than know the extreme sadness that accompanies our coming down from happiness.

Originally Posted by kray_bray_may

I might try that next time I descend into the pit, however in my case, the gloom is haunted with rage. Afraid I might burst if I give in without repressing it. If it was just sadness, I'd gladly collapse in a dark pit by myself and stare into the oblivion of my mind. But there are too many people around if I were to let my anger take over.. screaming, yelling, smashing, slamming. I'm a simmering cauldron. I'd honestly rather be in a black hole than an inferno.

Where does the anger come from?

[kray_bray_may]

Originally Posted by Anxious Minds

Well, most emotions are temporary

They better be! :')

Originally Posted by Anxious Minds

Where does the anger come from?

Haven't even scratched the surface on that one! Bringing it up with the counselor is painful and embarrassing and causes me to dwell on it until the next session. I just can't accept that so much pain has to be part of the process. In a nutshell it is unresolved conflict with parents and low self esteem. To top it off, I had strong feelings of anger and even hatred towards my (now ex) partner. Bleh.

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by darkpurplesecrets

...alive is what we accomplished, but at what cost...

((((((( DPS )))))))

[darkpurplesecrets]

I hate this time of year. The hours tick away and in silence I cry. Why should I reach out? Why should I just make myself feel even worse? And I do. Believing there is hope, I am really losing there. Why hope? Why? Hope disappears as you watch it slip away because it can. Too many others, too forgotten, because I guess it is easier that way.

dps

The people who hurt you should have to pay for what they have done and do to you. It makes me SO angry that you have been robbed of just basic things like joy and peace and security. I find it hard to read your posts because I feel so angry at those horrible people. If I could take away what they did I would do it.

I don't know of any words to help or make it better. Just know that I am thinking of you.

[Anxious Minds]

Originally Posted by kray_bray_may

They better be! :')


Haven't even scratched the surface on that one! Bringing it up with the counselor is painful and embarrassing and causes me to dwell on it until the next session. I just can't accept that so much pain has to be part of the process. In a nutshell it is unresolved conflict with parents and low self esteem. To top it off, I had strong feelings of anger and even hatred towards my (now ex) partner. Bleh.

We project our anger onto the people we love, especially when the people who love hurt us. Anger is meant to drive us to gather strength that we don't know we have so that we can survive. And sometimes we ask ourselves the wrong questions...such as, why am I so angry? Perhaps the right question to ask is, why do I feel I need that strength and drive that anger brings to me?

[waterknob1234]

I think Christmas is hard because everyone is telling you to be jolly and be of good cheer and maybe you just can't feel it. Christmas is not always "happy and merry." Christmas is especially hard for people suffering illness, depression, or for anybody who has lost a loved one.

Love and hugs to you Dark Purple Secrets.

[darkpurplesecrets]

Thank you waterknob. I needed to hear that and to know that someone understands. I often feel forgotten, in then way, and like I am supposed to be okay, or so it seems. I too have a mental illness, and struggle with being DID, but it seems that is often forgotten. I can't help it, I didn't do this to myself, but I must fix it and be okay.

If I could click my fingers and be okay don't people think that you would? I hate me, I always have. Christmas has always been a hard time of year. I'll even admit, life itself is hard, but I feel I do pretty damn good despite all I have been through. And I try, even when it often feels no one else does.

But last night I felt it didn't matter, I didn't matter. I laid alone, crying, afraid, feeling there are expectations of me that are not of others, always has been. Physical pain was not the only thing out of control, and it really scared me. I too am struggling not only with the memories but with both physical and mental illness. Just out of major surgery a week now, but still trying my hardest to do all that I can do.

Somewhere that all gets lost, seems forgotten. My boundaries, feelings, abuse, pain....never mattered, I never mattered. But everyone else's does. I'm not perfect, but no one is. But somehow I should be.

I should hate the world, but somehow I don't. But especially sometimes, it feels the world disappears, and like no one even notices I am around. I sometimes feel it would be best if I just disappeared, it would make life so much easier for everyone else. I have always known that, been told that, and sometimes it still feels that way.

Seems so many get excuses, reasons, take and take, give nothing back. You give all you can, try as hard as you can, it is still not enough. Christmas Eve has always and will always be a hard time for me. Life itself was and is, as it is for so many, I get that. I'm sorry I can't just get over it. Just be strong and give it to God. If only it were that easy. I wish it were as easy to do that as it seems to be to forget I have an illness too.

But I will paint on that smile again, be okay for everyone else, and sit quietly not bothering anyone else. No one will even know the emotional or physical hell and loneliness I am feeling, especially not today. I will do all that I can do to hide it just as I always have had to.................and pray no one ever hast to feel or know the way I feel. Just be okay for everyone else.

Stupid me......just forget.................my stupid brain......I hate it...........

[isabelledsb]

hi, i couldn't find that text, but that one you wrote about christmas was really good, it helped me a lot, thank you. Now I relize how depression is in the difference between expectations and reality, thanks a lot

[waterknob1234]

Life can be so hard. We try to hide our needs, feelings, and illnesses from others. Then we try to be perfect. But we can't be perfect. It gets exhausting.

No wonder you are feeling miserable. If you just had surgery a week ago you are probably dealing with pain, and not being able to do your normal stuff, on top of regular depression.

I also find depression is a lonely disease. Nobody in the regular world really understands what you are going thru. And you try to paint on that fake smile and keep on going.

Until I found this forum I thought I was the only one out there. I never realized how many other people suffer this. At least we can lean on each other for support.

Hope you feel better soon.

i feel the same way you do. you aren't alone

[darkpurplesecrets]

I feel like I am silently slipping away and no one even knows or worse. I don't ask anymore, I just can't. It just doesn't seem important any longer. And the saddest thing is, maybe it really doesn't. Maybe it never really did.

dps

how are you feeling today darkpurplesecrets?

[darkpurplesecrets]

Thank you for asking 8888an8888. Struggling. I just feel shut down. I feel afraid to talk. Words swirl in my head, but I am both afraid and unable to bring them down. Time seems to get away, I'm there then gone. Physical pain is pushing at me, and I am trying my hardest to keep going and be okay, as okay as possible.

The staples will come out Wednesday, I already am feeling that fear, feeling that known pain once again for the third time, but the memories of that mix deep with a pain somewhere from the past all over again, being manifested yet hidden still.

As an adult one would think that I could handle it and separate the two, but I cannot. Those little child parts in me push harder something much deeper that I cannot seem to really connect to. Yet somewhere it is there deep within the recesses of my mind, pulling me away sometimes from here.

Why can I not connect to myself back then? Why does it feel terrifying, yet like it is a responsibility I must somehow figure out? Why am I terrified all over again of everyone around me? Why do I feel forgotten and as though it doesn't any longer matter?

Why have I once again shut down to the world around me, feeling trapped and like every step I am drudging through quicksand just to move? How does one be okay to the world, but that deep inside truth you are not hide itself so well no one seems to care or notice I am not?

I feel like I am moving in and out of consciousness, like I am once again weaving through frames, but the big picture between them is not there. It is during those times I don't know where I am and I miss time as it seems to just disappear. Here one minute functioning as though I should, getting things done and knowing that I did them, to times when I know nothing but the clock says time has passed.

I thought those times were over, that the frames were no longer withholding what was between, but once again I feel so scared, lost, alone, and as though I am a ghost to the picture these frames hold. A ghost to the world around me. I hate myself, and I hate what they did to me.

How can people, people who were supposed to love you, protect you, take care of you, teach you what life should have been or even how to be a part of life itself, be the very people that destroy you and set you up to destroy yourself?

There is a feeling of terror, a terror that feels like there is an unending blackness between the frames. As though once again, from a distance I sense if I stand at the edge of the frame flame arms are awaiting me, daring me to step to the edge of the frame itself. I've drawn this and didn't understand, drawing to just let someone know what I feel, see, and fear. Those drawing are what my mind is seeing once again.

Sometimes I feel I am a black hole, waiting to swallow myself. And I am afraid.

dps

[darkpurplesecrets]

As I re-read what I wrote in this thread, I realize that I needed to come back and make right my own words that I wrote. I just needed and wanted to say I am sorry as in my writing and feeling so lost, my saying there is no one I can trust and feeling no one is there, I sounded as though I was encircling all people in my life when that is not and was never what I was meaning.

Those in my life today are there, have been there, and are always willing to listen and be there. It is me that pulls away and shuts even them out, sometimes knowing, sometimes not even realizing what I myself am doing. When writing I often get lost into old feelings and what always was, but I sometimes in writing do not remember to say it is not those in my life today I am referring to. I was so wrong in that because making an overall general statement as I see I did, does make it sound like I was including everyone and I am sorry I really wasn't.

And I have to admit, that at times I do use any excuse I can find to not talk or reach out when I am in the middle of something as what I am in once again, and when I find that even little excuse to not reach out, it grows and the lies no one is there scream louder than the truth, and at that point I am unable to get to what is true. And I am scared of everyone, but not for reasons this thread may have sounded. My fear comes from the unknown, the thinking I was through the frames, and I feel afraid not only of what is pushing from within, but ashamed and scared all at once that I am failing and here I go again.

A lot of my thoughts and feelings surround what is going on within; the fear of the unknown often speaks louder than anything else surrounding me. It includes my children, my grandchildren that I have never even met, the knowing that they don’t care and will not even hear me, the loss of a relationship with them to be safe and to get away, was a cost I don’t think, no I know, that at the time I even had the knowledge or ability within to know it would later affect me in this way.

And just because there were problems with them, I have come to realize a lot of that was based on their conditioning growing up and continued conditioning after the divorce and leaving. I never meant to hurt them but in truth I know I did and have. One cannot make that right when no one will listen or hear, but that does not take away the feelings, emotions, and pain surrounding it. And I know no one else can make it right either, but sometimes I know I don't make that clear I know that. It just hurts.

I even have to admit that I miss some of my family, especially during the holidays after we all grew up together. I don’t miss the fighting, the shows that were put on to pretend everything was okay, or the lies that continue/continued to hold us each captive to our abusers. But I do miss them as people. I grew up with them, I heard them cry and watched them being abused, and I did love them even though we never spoke that word or was allowed to when we were growing up.

I was the oldest, I was the protector, and someone within still feels that fear of when we had to run for our lives, phones jerked from the wall, see the abuse taking place, hearing the screaming profanity and words of how we were unwanted, unloved, and nobodies. The endless nights of being interrogated, standing on the stairs for hours listening to being blamed for everything, Christmas’s watching our half brother and sister getting what we asked for, Christmas dinner where fighting and again being berated and blamed in front of everyone, and the shear lack of love that never was.

I still somewhere worry, feel responsible, and wonder how they are and pray they are all okay. I remember their tears still when I left that home, it still screams I let them down, they needed me and I was not there. And someone inside feels like they are not doing their job, the not knowing if my siblings are okay or not still carries a big job and responsibility. And that forever feeling of no one to talk to, no one to reach out to, that is what those words are mixing up with. I never wanted any of my siblings to get hurt, be taken, or abused. It was my job, and someone inside took that very seriously even to this day. There is more but I am too emotional to write about it right now.

And then the frames, somewhere those frames fit into this picture of my life, a life I am still struggling to figure out and put the pieces back together. That is where the terror is. That is where I feel so lost, so helpless, so unloved and unwanted, yet responsible, and yes, terrified.

I just needed to say those in my life today are there, but I pull away out of fear, even though there is a fear of them, it is intermixed in the emotions and terror of what is pushing at me from within. I know somewhere within they are there, but sometimes it is hard to get to them or reach out. So when I say I have no one, have no one to trust or talk to, it is not those that love me and care now, it is much deeper and it comes out in my writing as though I was writing about everyone but I needed to let everyone reading this know that even though I am not able to reach out right now to those safe in my life now, it is not because they are not there and willing. It is because of me, no one else.

When I write, my mind is not at that time separating or thinking of separating as it is just the pain, hurt, and fear that is so fore front. I just needed to make this right and I really needed to get this out of my head. When I re-read this thread, I really realized that what I said was not right, and I needed to make it right. And I am so sorry if I left anyone thinking I have no one in my life now. I can see how it sounded, and I just needed to make it right. So I am really sorry. I will try hard to not allow my emotions and feelings to make it sound as though I am generalizing all, because it is not like that.

Separating my own memories, those pushing at me unknown, my responsibility that was, my feelings for a lost family and my children and grandchildren, and the pain, sadness, hurt, and terror of my own abuse, sometimes are enough to tear me into tinier pieces than I already am. I don’t mean to sound untruthful, ungrateful today at all, and for that I am really sorry.

I love and so appreciate those in my life now that are there for me, love me, and try their best even when I am at my worst, I just had to make this right even though most of them don't know what or that I even wrote this. But to the one that did read this I really needed to make this right and to say I am sorry and that I really do love you and I know you are really there and care.

dps

[waterknob1234]

Love and hugs to you dps. Not that it makes everything you are suffering fix itself, or erases painful memories. But we care about you and give you love.