Wrapping up a four day weekend, and it was a pretty nice one. Not to mention that I was on here quite a bit. I keep forgetting that I have to go to work tomorrow. I get the feeling that it's going to be an easy week because so many will be gone. I only have New Years Day (my birthday, by the way) off. But I get the feeling that will leave work early on Wednesday.

Today I went to church and met a nice guy who has the same health issue as I do. I really liked him a whole lot, but the problem is that he lives far away. He was just visiting his sister for the holidays. After church, I made a very nice lunch for myself, and then climbed a popular hill at where I live. A very nice clear, brisk day for that.

After climbing the hill, I got together with my friend. We had a nice time together. It was so nice to have someone to spill all of my inner feelings with. Though, there are things like depression and anxiety that he does not understand. But I think that through me, he might be getting an education about it, I hope.

[Rose76]

The day ended better than it started.

The day is almost over for me... tired but not wanting to sleep... I've miles to go before I sleep..hmm. is that a song.

not feeling good. waiting for the duty worker at my psych clinic to give me a call for a crisis meeting.

[dandylin]

Preparing to enter the lion's den this morning

Woke up this morning feeling really crappy mood-wise - - which is how I felt yesterday and Saturday - - went for a jog/walk and now feel much better. Too bad the endorphin high doesn't last longer. I'll enjoy it while I can. I now have enthusiasm for the day, whereas before exercise I just was dreading the day. The last time I felt good before this was Friday, which is the last time I jogged.

I think I will talk my husband into seeing if he can fix my exercise bike. Maybe I could hop on that when the improved mood from jog/walking wears off. Amazing how just jogging a little bit can improve my mood so much. I am thankful that something works for me.

Actually, according to WebMD, exercise also releases norepinephrine, dopamine and serotonin. Too bad the ECT I'm having and the antidepressant I take don't help out with that enough. Very frustrating, but at least I get a break somehow in the feeling bad.

Sun is out again, finally. Thinking of maybe later throwing on some day clothes and a coat and going outside for a brisk walk. I haven't been outside in - pfft, weeks. I probably won't do this though, because I am feeling too fat and ugly to be seen in public. Unless my mom needs someone to go to the dollar store with her to carry bags. Then I will try to dress in loose clothes and hide my face in my hair. I feel like a loser.

Why oh why can't I have just one good friend IRL...

[regretful]

Darn depression...puts a damper on everything. Medication makes my stomach upset, has put weight on me...weight gain has me snoring again, so I get awakened every night being told to "stop snoring"...so, it's just a lot of the same. Just so darn sad about all of it.

Checking in again to say the good feeling after exercising only lasted about 3 hours and now it's back to feeling moderately depressed. Don't know how/why I went from feeling mildly depressed to now moderately.

My ECT pdoc had me stop lamictal because he said it would interfere with the necessary seizure. Last time I saw him he said it would be okay to go back on the lamictal as long as I didn't take it 2 days before an ECT. I just called my regular pdoc's office and requested a refill of the lamictal. Maybe going back on that will help my depression . . . ?

been feeling pretty good today

[tz90]

Feeling tired, empty, bleak.
Wanted to start working on assignments and essay, but there's no motivation and I can't think clearly. I'm going to procrastinate for another day or two and waste my time on internet browsing instead.

[Rose76]

I'm a lot better than I was yesterday.

I will not give up. I've experienced happiness, briefly but I have, and I'll fight until I have it again.

[Turtlesoup]

Good day-feel really good, having a great visit with my daughter-wish she could stay longer. So far so good with the med changes.

[lil chickadee]

Missed my morning client because I couldn't get through my emotional soup... couldn't get dressed... wanted to cry or scream or hide... made it to my second client, helping her and she helped me (because I could focus on someone else). Long nap. Don't want tomorrow.

[TheOriginalMe]

Mostly I spent today in a self critical daydream, where I was telling someone that I am too unstable to have a meaningful life and that I can only function when I keep life small. In my daydream there was another person, but really I was talking to myself. I was trying to justify all the decisions I have made to keep life simple in order to cope with my depression. I don't buy my excuses, I'm just a failure, lonely and still depressed, never amounting to much, too afraid to try.

[angelene]

I slept for a huge chunk of the day, the work of Geodon and depression. On the other hand, I bought some makeup on eBay and it was here when I finally awoke.
The awful feelings + the shopper's high kind of cancelled each other out, making me feel somewhat neutral.

Went back to work today after a pretty nice four day weekend. It was pretty slow, like I had expected. I felt depressed and anxious going into work today. And then the feelings got worse when I found out that some people were laid off. Yes, this crap of the economy where people are just being let go is still happening. It does not seem to end.

I had a lot of feelings of health anxiety. Right around lunchtime, it got worse as I was eating. I was surprised that I was able to eat. It's difficult for me to eat when I'm depressed or have anxiety.

I worked out after work. I was not emotionally in to doing it, but I pushed myself. It was successful, but it would have been a piece of cake if I were not so dang depressed! I felt much better after the workout, much like Newgal2 says after her jog/walk. I would not have felt as good if I didn't work out.

[herethennow]

when i thought this is the saddest i can ever go... i was wrong.

------------ trigger warning --------------

still largely sui. i cannot take this anymore. mom just added to the pain of living.

i'm just not worth it anymore...

Not sleeping enough, too much stress. But I've learned some skills and have a counseling appt. I just remembered, so hoping she doesn't do most of the talking as usual, and help me get to the root of my problems. She keeps changing her mind about my "label'. I honestly don't care to have a label, I just want to know how to stop sabotaging all my good efforts and progress I made this year. Pyschiatrists really are the only one who can give those "labels", or based on symptoms. He said you definitely are depressed, asked him again months ago, I said "what am i, bipolar, ? what..." he said "well you are majorly depressed". So I know myself better than anyone, and that one is true. I have been feeling better besides more anxiety. Thanks for listening.

HTN, please hold on. I know pain too, and people that can affect us deeply. Sometimes we can't run from it, but there are ways to cope. I hope you keep posting your feelings, listening...

For some unknown reason, I'm feeling only mildly depressed today, whereas I felt moderately depressed Saturday - yesterday. Maybe I really do need that lamictal. My pdoc didn't fax a prescription to the pharmacy yet. Hope he doesn't wait until my appointment with him next week to discuss it. Other than that, nothing much planned for the day, other than an AA meeting at noon. Will probably just do my usual internet in the morning and reading in the afternoon.

We're having my family's Christmas gathering late this year, this Saturday at my house. Not too riled up about it yet but will probably get kind of nervous/stressed as the week wears on. There's really no reason for me to freak out about it. It's a pot luck and my husband is taking charge of the ham and one side dish. I just want things to go smoothly. I think being a little uptight is normal. I will try to just take it one day at a time.

I think one reason my mood may be better is that I found a new team member for the relay run I want to participate in in April, so I feel like it's really going to happen and I have a goal. Without volunteering or a job right now, I'm short on goals. I feel like I have a task and people that are depending on me, something I'm lacking without volunteering or a job (or kids).

[H-H-H-H]

[angelene]

I slept okay last night and was able to get right out of bed when I woke up this morning. But now I'm starting to feel tired again which sucks because I have a lot of laundry to do.

[tz90]

Went outside the first time after a few days today. It's weird seeing all these people being in a rush. There is so much daily traffic. It hurts to think about it, because I have nowhere to go. Maybe I've finally lost it, idk. Going to meet a few people tomorrow for new year's eve. Don't feel like partying, but I hope to forget my life at least for a few hours and not bring the mood down.