[Turtlesoup]

Originally Posted by Angelique67

I don't feel like I belong anywhere. Even here. I feel ignored and unseen. Maybe I deserve it, I don't know. Have I been rude?

Not that I'm aware of

[Angelique67]

Originally Posted by Turtlesoup

Not that I'm aware of

Thank you, Turtlesoup! Sometimes it's hard to tell and not everything I say is appreciated.

[tz90]

I'm feeling alienated :S. Had today

[Angelique67]

Originally Posted by tz90

I'm feeling alienated :S. Had today

Me too, except for the pizza. Hugs.

[tigerlily84]

I have a migraine. I haven't had one this bad in some time. I threw up twice already and I still feel nauseous. I'm really tired so I hope that I can just sleep and I'll feel better when I wake up.

[angelene]

I'm just tired. So, so tired.

Alone in the house now. Welcome back, crushing depression, you didn't stay away for long, huh.

[TheOriginalMe]

I'm so, so grumpy. There has been bad wind for thirty six hours now and it is set to last for another 36 hours! I get triggered by wind, so I'm not in a good place today.

I had a nice snuggly, cuddle with my dog, that was something nice, it helped to soothe me a bit, I wish I could let her sleep with me, but I get anxious about dirt getting into my bed and germs crawling on me when I'm alseep. Why it is OK to have a dog share my sofa, but not my bed is a mystery to me, but there we go. I'm sure it is better for both us to have our own beds.

[boomerango]

AH, pets are good therapy. love them so! If only I could finally learn their unconditional acceptance of every moment. ... But here I am overwhelmed again. feeling that familiar looking darkness.

[Nammu]

Flew though a thundersorm tonight, guess I'm twisted cause I loved it. :

I'm HOME!

Today was a typical Saturday for me. Except that I was not feeling so well. I worked out on Friday after work, and it went well. And then I did not feel so well after that. There's some kind of health concern going on right now; and I think it's something different and more serious than a cold. Anyone who takes a good look at me would think that I don't have a single health concern. But I do.

I went to the pool area tonight and there was a woman there that I met about three nights ago. She told me that she is moving here. I had seen her a few years ago and at that time. She was visiting her daughter. She is Chinese and cannot speak English. I like her, but I have a hard time talking to her. She means well and is a nice person, but I feel like I don't have patience in talking to people who can't speak English. I feel bad for feeling that way. Also I felt like I had a panic attack there. I left earlier than she did. I think that she was disappointed that I did. I think that she likes me. But I don't know if we'd be a match.

[herethennow]

was discharged some days ago and rested at home because i couldn't sleep while in the hospital. no kidding, i got only like 3 hours sleep a night... tossing and turning, waking up... and giving up on trying to sleep at abt 5am.

i am still not too good, a little better.. a little rested. but exams are around the corner so... no time to deal with myself and emotions. *sweeps it under the carpet*

on another note... while in the ward, T terminated with me. tbh we have been at a standstill for quite a while. and T wanted me to start on a new therapy.. just that she didn't have the experience with the new therapy. so i'll see a new T... and i really don't know how to feel about it. maybe I'll write a letter to T and ask the new T to pass it to her since they work at the same place anyway. this is such a sudden termination.....

and oh, even though i have clearly rejected it while in the hospital, i am referred to outpatient occupational therapy. urm, really? i don't see a need for it

really bad morning today, lots of thoughts going round in my head (mainly how i seem to fail at everything), kept staring at the window as it was getting light and thinking... oh no, please not another day, please. anything but

so came on here and turned up my music- and feel a bit better for doing so

My depression has spiked a bit today, not sure why. I'm still on only 25 mg lamictal for my bipolar, which is pretty far from target dose I think, so maybe that's why. You have to ramp up slowly apparently. I go up to 50 mg on Thursday.

I had to really force myself to exercise this morning. Will probably just hang on the internet until the playoff game at 12:30 - - Go Pack!

Other than that, dreading ECT tomorrow but too scared to stop at this point. That severe depression I had was just too terrible.

Editing this to say I guess I won't be having ECT after all. I forgot that I was not supposed to take my lamictal today or yesterday (to make sure I have a seizure), so I'll have to call and cancel. I'm sure I'll be all right (I hope at least) since I had to cancel once before and made it through ok.

[H-H-H-H]

[nickie25]

Hey newgal2. Yes 25mg is no where near the target dose. My psychiatrist had me work up to 200mg and at first I was so frustrated bc I was taking those little 25s and was still depressed. But girl, once I got on about 100mg I noticed a drastic change. Took about a month. Felt like me again! Unfortunately I started abusing illegal substances and had a huge manic episode...fell off the wagon, so now im on 200mg seroquel. It helps, but its more like a tranquilizer. Stick with the lamictal, you know probably as well as I do that meds take about a month to build up in our systems. I wish u the best girl, keep ur head up.

All my stories told, I still feel empty. I hear ya guys, just running on empty is all. Hugs all.

I think I need to take a break from the depression forum. I'll be around but I am stuck right now for helping myself, no other way to explain it. Can't really put a smile on anyone's face as far as I know. Thanks for all the hugs guys, appreciate it.

[tz90]

I finally managed to write an email to a support group in my area. Don't have any hopes or expectations really, so idk. I'd feel bad for not contacting, that's all.

Originally Posted by nickie25

Hey newgal2. Yes 25mg is no where near the target dose. My psychiatrist had me work up to 200mg and at first I was so frustrated bc I was taking those little 25s and was still depressed. But girl, once I got on about 100mg I noticed a drastic change. Took about a month. Felt like me again! Unfortunately I started abusing illegal substances and had a huge manic episode...fell off the wagon, so now im on 200mg seroquel. It helps, but its more like a tranquilizer. Stick with the lamictal, you know probably as well as I do that meds take about a month to build up in our systems. I wish u the best girl, keep ur head up.

Thanks nickie! I will be patient and hope for a turnaround once I'm up to target dose.

[Clara22]

Originally Posted by disparaissant

I think I need to take a break from the depression forum. I'll be around but I am stuck right now for helping myself, no other way to explain it. Can't really put a smile on anyone's face as far as I know. Thanks for all the hugs guys, appreciate it.

You will be missed. Hope you come back soon

I don't know, I just...I hate myself so much right now. I can't do anything as well as I would like to. I'm not even a perfectionist, and yet I still can't meet my own expectations...I don't think I'm setting the bar to high. Suppose I've always been less competent than the average. Been aware of that fact ever since I was little...I always felt inferior, then comparing my progress to others has only proven my feeling to be fact. Everyone, and I mean everyone is better than me, in every area. I know people will wanna argue with me about this, but I know.

[Nammu]

Originally Posted by newgal2

My depression has spiked a bit today, not sure why. I'm still on only 25 mg lamictal for my bipolar, which is pretty far from target dose I think, so maybe that's why. You have to ramp up slowly apparently. I go up to 50 mg on Thursday.

I had to really force myself to exercise this morning. Will probably just hang on the internet until the playoff game at 12:30 - - Go Pack!

Other than that, dreading ECT tomorrow but too scared to stop at this point. That severe depression I had was just too terrible.

Editing this to say I guess I won't be having ECT after all. I forgot that I was not supposed to take my lamictal today or yesterday (to make sure I have a seizure), so I'll have to call and cancel. I'm sure I'll be all right (I hope at least) since I had to cancel once before and made it through ok.

Newgal, I was so happy to see that you had improved so much. When I left for home you were still in the chains of the deep depression. Yeah Bipolar depression is very hard.

[Nammu]

Originally Posted by disparaissant

I think I need to take a break from the depression forum. I'll be around but I am stuck right now for helping myself, no other way to explain it. Can't really put a smile on anyone's face as far as I know. Thanks for all the hugs guys, appreciate it.

Knowing when you need a break is a good thing. Take care.

Originally Posted by sidestepper

Newgal, I was so happy to see that you had improved so much. When I left for home you were still in the chains of the deep depression. Yeah Bipolar depression is very hard.

Thanks sidestepper. I was just skimming through sent emails of mine and I read one from after I had just had my 3rd ECT where I told my ECT pdoc that I didn't want to live. It's hard to believe I really felt that way, but I did. Scary stuff.