I Beg You Read This, Please.

Hello guys and gals. I'm here to tell about my severe clinical depression and how its ending my life at the age of 17.

As I small boy in middle school I was always very excited, I played in the band and was the star drummer, everyone knew me, I won awards, after awards. My band director did almost everything to get my in the spot light, I performed solos at every concert, and soon expanded my talent to other percussion style instruments other then the common snare drum.

In the 7th grade I began to become overwhelmingly down, sad none stop. My mother who takes paxil(20mg low) experinces slight mood changes and took me to our local family doctor. I didnt change dramiticly , I began taking simple anxiety meds, until it worsened and my local doctor told me of her own depression after her husbands suicide, I began taking anti-depressents.

Two years went by, I still acted like a kid, never showing my depression, altho it was sometimes unbareable, to think a 8th grader has to leave class to cry in the bathroom, well thats not pleasent, I was always mature in the mind, I acted like a 20 year old very soon after my depressioin kicked in, studying it trying to figure it out.

Now fast-forwarding to my 9th grade year entering highschool changed even more so. Highschool is extremely difficult for everyone in some way, over dramtic, and a playhouse for horny teenagers who do drugs to relieve hormonial distress, except for me. I went staying on course as I did in middle school. I joined band, later quitting after being called, the usual highschool labels, i had no part of it.

I soon began to realize my depression had no reason , other then some ******** medical diagonisis a doctor gave me. I began seeing a new medical doctor in 2004, she asked whats meds(antideprssents) I had taken and prescribed new ones, later begging me to go to a phycologist. After 6months or so I gave in.

I began seeing a local psycologist . Very nice man, intelligent, and upbeat. Session after session I knew these professionals too, did not understand.

I then looked into it myself, I said why I am I misserable? I've lost alot of family my grandfather,my grandmother,my aunts,uncles, the ones i loved, espcially my grandfather who i called morning after morning before school up until his death. Then I took a look, do i have friends? So so I suppose friends like love are over used but none the less I have them.

I then figured out the deaths, werent a key in the depression. I wasn't mourning, or dwelling. After 1 year of therapy I swichted doctors, seeing not only a new psycologist but alsos a psyciatrist, I was recommended anything from zoloft to wellbutrin. As well as a female therapist. I began seeing her under the influence females as ppl say are more sensative and caring, she was but was too quite and overwhelmingly rude to my depression. Calling it irrational. I then asked what is irrational about my depression?

I am extremely peaceful, I love all creation, I'm nice, and for a guy extremely different. I cry,laugh, and anger whilst most guys only do 2 of those, you all know which that is. While that is sterotype its the common difference in the sexes.

I began seeing yet again a new therapist recently, this is of course fast forwarding, in between I took dozens of meds and layed off treatmenet. This new therapist is the BEST supposed therapist in the area, extremely funny,caring, and smart his name is Edd, I've saw him for 6 weeks, wwith little success. (Here's a quick note also I forgot to mention. Recently I began opening up to family, friends, and the internet(2 years) my friends shoved me away, family loved me but couldnt understand and the internet, well its in between). I spoke to him about all my problems, which I didnt know he says I have a wise mind of a 70 year old yet a body of a teenager, something which harms intereaction with my peers.

I quickly noticed its not just teens, its adults who are afraid, and shove me away. Anyway I've typed enough, lately my dreams have taken over, I've been having nightmares its insane. What i mean is the dream I have in my sleep is so so happy then when I awake I find its a dream, I've been in love, or shoved away from therapists, anyway. I'm threw I dont feel like typing anymore.

Dear Moonkin,
I am very sorry you are in such deep pain. Please read you pm, I'd love to hear from you! The experiences & insights that you can share with our community are awesome! I believe that is what your T meant about a 70 yr. old in a teenager's body!! As they say "Wisdom beyond your years!" Your mighty special! Can you just IMAGINE what you can do??? WOW!!!! PLEASE Keep Typing! mlpHolmes

Hi Moonkin. I can relate to what you're talking about. You have an old soul. I do too. From the time I was very, very young I had the mind of someone much older. You are extremely bright and articulate and sensitive. All of those things come across in your post. Those are all positive things, but they also often go hand-in-hand with depression and anxiety.

I was like you when I was a child and a teenager. I overthought everything. My mind never stopped. I was very good at putting on a happy face for the world and no one knew about how I felt inside. So, I'm very glad that you have gone to therapists. I know it's frustrating that they haven't helped you much, but it is a good thing that you're opening up -- to friends and family and on-line.

I still overthink things and I still get depressed, but it's not as bad as it was when I was younger. I don't know if it's that my hormones levelled out or that I learned how to cope, but I did seem to outgrow the depression. My bouts with depression ended when I was in my early 20s and I didn't go through a depressive period again for about 10 years. I have gotten depressed twice since then, but my periods of no depression last much, much longer than my periods of being depressed. I don't have the continuous feelings of being down like I did when I was your age and I have found a medication that works for me... Sometimes it take ages to find something that actually works. So, don't give up hope. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but your life isn't over. Your soul may be old, but you are still young and your life is beginning... and it can get much, much better.

As for not having any external reasons for being depressed, well, that's what depression does to us. We don't need to have horrid things going on around us because the horrid things are happening in our mind. When I get depressed, I try to remember that I'm wearing my *****-coloured glasses. I am seeing everything through a negative, ugly filter. I try to remind myself that the filter of depression makes everything ugly and horrible. It's my perception, not my life, that is a mess. I also remind myself that that filter can lift and the *****-coloured glasses can come off. I try to remind myself that I will see the light again and I will be happy again... and so will you. I know it's so damn hard to believe that when you've been struggling for so long, but there is hope. Please do not give up hope. You are so clever and insightful and thoughtful. Someday, those things will work for you rather than against you.

i can't think of anything to add, after reading the above posts but this.......you are extremely insightful. and bright. and let me tell you, those who are overthink this stuff and it gets us into a mess with ourselves.

you're way above average for understanding your life experience and if this new therapist can work with you (and i'd sure give him a try), i bet things will change for you. it takes time. a lot of time and work.........good luck, pat p.s. keep posting

Such intractable depression will take much longer than 6 weeks or even a year to overcome, imo. Please do not give up. If you can work with the last doctor, then do so... there are things bothering you that have been so deeply buried you don't realize they are bothering you, imo.... maybe even death and illness, but you have staid yourself to not feel and over time, you can't even find them to notice them.

It can be better. Keep going.

i don't believe there is a time table for getting over depression. when i said it takes a long time, two days can be a long time for someone who is depressed.

please don't feel as if you have a life sentence going here. meds work. and so does therapy. as i said earlier, it sounds as if this T might be a good match......please PM me if you need to talk......xoxox pat

I agree. I've been through long periods of depression too... They were seeemingly endless at the time and then one day POOF, I felt better. You can't put a timetable on these things. You never know when a depressive period is going to run its course. Always remember... it could get better tomorrow. Hope is the most important thing in this situation. There is always hope.

Hey (((((((((((((Moonkin))))))))))))) welcome to PC.

Don't give up asking and looking for help. It takes a shitload of work and time to feel better from anything, let alone from depression that's lasted as long as it has for you.

I'm sorry you've not any luck thus far, but I'm sure eventually you'll come across a good med and a good therapist that will really help you.

I'm sorry your friends and family aren't more supportive. I've come across that phenomenon myself, and it sucks.

You've found a good group of people here. Please continue to post and we'll try to help if we can.

Take care of yourself.

I'm remembering back to when I was 17...HUGE ouch. It was a horrible time in this life...confusing, life out of control, no one to rely on but self, parents over the edge and I needed to protect my baby brother. It was just horrible.

I could never just "be" in the moment that was...never. I was always predicting, preparing, fighting real and assumed dangers. I couldn't just "be".

I guess what I'm getting at is...do you find it difficult to just "be" in the moment with some things that you've found to be pleasant? Can you try to do that as often as possible? I call it regaining...regaining me, resources lost to depression, anxiety, stress.

When I try to just "be", I fully try to be aware and exist in the moment...mind, body and spirit. While I'm typing this...I feel the touch of the keys, my mind thinking of and putting together the words, the connection I'm making and how good it feels to relate. The rest (child booming around, TV too loud, electric toothbrush running, bright light, anxiety from all of those, etc.) I push to the background.

Doing the above has helped me more in this life and any one thing. In doing that (being in the moment), I'm pushing the anxiety and depression to the background while absorbing the moment. After a while, I've absorbed many good moments and time passes. It starts to become more the norm. Kinda like when you're very depressed and you see a little baby. Ahh, you fake those smiles and sounds for that baby and to get reaction. Pretty soon, you realize the smile and reaction isn't fake anymore but is truly felt.

I can only speak of personal experience. Has this "cured" my anxety/depression? No. However, it has been a wonderful tool for managing and, in that, has eased the overall experience.

I hope this for you.

Welcome to PC.

KD

MOONKIN... i know this is probably an overrated saying... but i understand what you mean. although it may be a stretch to say "exactly". well im 17, have seen therapists since i was 12. all say i have a normal teenage life and stress may just be too much. that is my only problem to them. over the last year or so i have been pushed away from my therapists and have started to analyzze myself and my illness. i have found that i too have much insight on life and feel as if i have lived a thousand years. i feel like im at a turning point in my life. as you may be. overanalyzing life and its meanings and the overwhelming insight you may have can be hard to deal with. i hope this in some small way helps you. ive found that i cant fix life. and in the "game of life" there is no winning. just being happy with your success. i really hope i havent confused you by this, if so, im sorry, again...theover-analyzing... well feel free to pm me with questions or to tell me i am way off.... ok. i hope you feel better soon.
always,
mu$ik

Thanks everyone, but i've squeezed the love out of the world and now it hates me for it.

Not really. Betcha you could find some very loving, understandng people on PyschCentral. It might not mean as much, seeing as it's online, but please don't give up. I don't know that I can help, or make you feel better, but I do care about you (and yea, that's possible after only reading your posts). You remind me a little of my younger brother, who I love very dearly--you're both wise beyond your years.

Can I ask you something? Do you love anything or anyone? I mean, just anything. Even something stupid, like onion bagels or a weird video on Youtube.

It sounds idiotic, I know, but it's something. And if there's love within you, there's love in the world, right?

Keep trying. I'll be here. PM me if you need me.

~muse

(((((((((((((((((((((((Moonkin)))))))))))))))))))))) No one is strong enough to squeeze all the love out of the world. Maybe you just haven't found it yet? Please take care.