Not showering today. **** that.

Possible trigger:

More and more I'm feeling less and less inclined to live.

just another day

[agma]

Feeling flooded with positive emotions. We made the decision a couple nights ago to adopt 2 kids from foster care (11 year old and 8 year old). The kids were told last night and we talked on the phone to them after they were told. Today when they called, the 11 year old excitedly said "hi mom!" It felt amazing to hear her call me mom since I thought it would take some time before she was comfortable enough to call me that. Between all this new excitment and an increase in meds yesterday, hopefully I'll be able to take care of the depressive episode that I feel coming on before it gets too bad.

[Smileonmyface]

Sick of everyone except my husband cause he works a lot. No one understands. Snapping at my kids can't wait till bedtime

[TheOriginalMe]

Worked hard today, but brain fog hit in the afternoon and I couldn't get all my tasks done. I feel so guilty about it. I'm usually really clear about how much is realistic in a working day and don't obsess if things don't get done. But today, I really had to fight myself to finish up and put the work laptop away. I'm thinking I'll be in trouble tomorrow, but WTF they are going to fire me anyway so it makes no odds.

[Bark]

Finally in bed. Phew. Long day. My friend promised she'd call me in the morning. Considering she hadn't been able to promise before, I believe her. Then again I still worry. She was discharged under a certain condition and in a sense is in my care. However, the current situation seems best. Tomorrow, it won't be my responsibility anymore. Tiring. But worth it.

[waterknob1234]

I am hoping I am on a breakthrough. I applied for a job driving a trolley and giving historic tours. I applied for the job yesterday and I got a call from someone from the company today. Unfortunately, I was worked to death like a slave on my current job and could not get the call. The company representative left a message on my voicemail. I did not see the message until 8:00PM when I finally came home from work. I can't wait to call the company representative back tomorrow.

I had a stress headache earlier but it is gone now. The possibility of a new job brings hope. And conducting historic tours would be so much fun. I am going to pray on this one.

[waterknob1234]

Sorry, I feel kind of guilty having a happy post when others are suffering.

Originally Posted by waterknob1234

Sorry, I feel kind of guilty having a happy post when others are suffering.

Don't feel guilty. Happy posts are good, those kind of things matter.

[TheLastChapter]

About to be 12:30 and no sight of sleep is in he future. I am glad I am getting back on here, but it just means that I have accepted that I need help again. I have a long day tomorrow. Hopefully I will make it through. I just need to accept that sometimes, I have to walk by myself and realize I need to be more accepting of myself. I need a better self image. However, I just keep thinking, I will start working on that tomorrow. When will that tomorrow be my today? One day I will make it happen. Right now I just need sleep and a dog to keep me company.

[Symbolic]

Feeling pretty damn good. Finally finished off a tough project. Took a while, but I stuck with it, didn't get frustrated, and kept at it. I'm already looking forward to the next project tomorrow.

[artichack]

Second day after surgery....face feels like somebody teed off with a baseball bat....swollen...hard to eat....cant open mouth much more than a few inches without bleeding....tearing sutures or stitches.....sleeping sucks....everything not so good....hope it gets better.....Artie

Well I guess I'm feeling okay today. Not wonderful, not horrible, somewhere in between. At least my head doesn't hurt (yet at least). I'm glad because my ECT pdoc called at 8:45 p.m. last night (!) to tell me I can have a treatment on Monday. I haven't had one in probably a month, so that's a real good thing.

Going jogging today, getting blood work done, laundry, bills, not sure what else. Oh, the most important thing is I'm calling the CEO of a large company, per his request, to talk about possible employment opportunities with him.

[Babymonster]

Met up with a friend and her cute kid, was nice to be able to do that. Thought I might be able to make it throughout the day without a nap, but I'm starting to crash.

i've gotten worse again. my mood has dropped. i'm not sure if its PMS or something bigger. my T was very worried about me and called my parents in to tell them i'm getting urgey again. she was lovely, i feel so bad that this is happening again.

i dont know why im dropping. please God let this be PMS and not another breakdown. please.

[i dont matter]

I "feel" the depression back again (hard to explain, but it has an actual internal feeling to it; kind of like a downward pressure in my sinuses, eyes and add that crappy feeling you have when you are "over" drunk).

getting tired of this game.

[hope2010]

I am not well, very depress, my mind is fuzzy, I am crying as soon as I get up in the morning. Seems like every day it is so difficult to live throughout, all I want is sleep I can't even do that, I am not well ...

[regretful]

Back to the reality of it all - depression is the backdrop and not in the foreground. Medication was something that I stopped voluntarily about 3 months back. Secured a job with an old employer, but have decided to leave it because family is much more important than money. I wish all of you well with your struggle with this all too real illness.

[Turtlesoup]

So yeah-have been in denial about depression coming back & sitting on me like a big elephant...Felt like this a couple of months ago & have been fighting it tooth & nail working on using all my coping skills & staying busy & positive but last night I cried for the first time in months (think the meds have something to do with that-used to cry bout all kinds of things). Feel super crappy today-took the stupid depression quiz & got a 70-when I first started posting on here I got like a 55 so....sucks. See my T this afternoon & have to call pdoc for appointment today. Blech I hate this-tried to talk to my spouse but he goes into more denial than me so not very helpful-he's sweet but just doesn't get it. Don't think he wants to face up to the fact that I really am this sick. Sorry to be such a downer-it's like now that I've acknowledged it it's just completely pulling me down. Bleak would be the best description of me right now.

I feel like nothing matters anymore. I'll never feel 'well' and I'll never get to do all the things I wish I could do that would make my life worthwhile. I'll never get a break from this depression, the headaches and total lack of energy. I only exist here. I don't 'live'. I'm not alive, except in body, and that's burdened by constant tiredness and head pains. Not to mention how I feel emotionally. I'm isolated, I'm lonely, I dropped out of high school a year ago and haven't attempted to finish, I'm jobless at 18 and still living with my alcoholic parents who fight every night. And I don't have the physical or mental energy to even begin to change this. People think it's a matter of willpower and 'pull yourself up by the bootstraps', 'you have to want it', 'nothing will change unless you do'. But they don't understand. If you can't, you can't. I know that nothing will get better unless I do something, but that's the thing - I do not have the mental or physical energy to do anything. I just can't see a future for myself.

[Nammu]

Lots going wrong. Mostly with my back. I took two weeks off of excersise classes and my back got better. Now I'm just going twice a week for the sit and fit classes, plus yoga on fri.
My place is a mess becouse I can't do a lot, vacuuming is the hardest. I've tried to pack, so boxes are everywhere. There is a lot I'd like to just get rid of either trashing or donating but the steps defete me. Because I'm not physically moving much it's almost impossible to lose weight.

Yet though it all my mood is good, this cocktail I'm on now is a life saver.

Originally Posted by ShyPoetGirl

I feel like nothing matters anymore. I'll never feel 'well' and I'll never get to do all the things I wish I could do that would make my life worthwhile. I'll never get a break from this depression, the headaches and total lack of energy. I only exist here. I don't 'live'. I'm not alive, except in body, and that's burdened by constant tiredness and head pains. Not to mention how I feel emotionally. I'm isolated, I'm lonely, I dropped out of high school a year ago and haven't attempted to finish, I'm jobless at 18 and still living with my alcoholic parents who fight every night. And I don't have the physical or mental energy to even begin to change this. People think it's a matter of willpower and 'pull yourself up by the bootstraps', 'you have to want it', 'nothing will change unless you do'. But they don't understand. If you can't, you can't. I know that nothing will get better unless I do something, but that's the thing - I do not have the mental or physical energy to do anything. I just can't see a future for myself.

I know exactly how you feel. Sometimes you need someone to step in and take charge for you. To pick you up and get you moving. It doesn't matter how much you want it. I've experienced this. A very good person came into my life at that time and truly made a difference for me. Forced me to socialize and get out in the world. Whether you have a friend, relative, T, or just someone on PC, I hope you somehow find the strength to continue and start to feel better. Take small steps. I found that as much as I couldn't pull myself out of bed or home, if I was forced to get outside and be around people, it improved my mental state. Isolation is what we feel we want, and that is usually not the best place for us to be. xxx

Very tired. Woke up with another headache, I think due to weather, and the stress. uhhh... had a good convo with my ex about steps moving forward with our separation. He seemed to be perceptive. Another blah day, but not in the bottom of the barrel. If this is as good as I get for now, I'll take it.

[TheOriginalMe]

Still felt anxious and stressy and that is bringing my mood down even though I had a decent day. At lunchtime I went with my new boss to look for a gift for someone who is leaving. It was nice to have the company of someone with some similar interests. Today was my last working Friday, as I have now reduced my hours so that I work four days.

[CANDC]

Was grumpy this morning. Took a nap and went to yoga. Felt a lot better after that.