[Steiner of Thule]

I try to be happy.

I eat well. I take vitamins. I take meds. I workout.

Yet- I always feel sad inside.

Life feels sort of hopeless and dull.

I got a job but it's made life become more dull and hopeless in a sick twisted sense. Is this all there is. I just don't see much of a reason to live long. Yet I am still here. I am lost inside. Sort of wandering with no real place for me. Making very little money and I guess after awhile that saying money doesn't buy happiness starts to make sense. I can't buy my happiness. Maybe for a short while but eh. I don't think anything would make me happy. It's like I start to become distant from everything.

All my desires.

A piece at a time, I remove my shallow joys from life, until nothing is left.

are you in therapy?

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

Sorry to hear you are still suffering SoT. Is there anyone to help you?

[Hexagram]

I'll bet you would really dig the documentary The Kingdom of Dreams and Madness, which Netflix started streaming last month under its Japanese name, 'Yume to kyôki no ohkoku'.

Originally Posted by Steiner of Thule

I try to be happy.

I eat well. I take vitamins. I take meds. I workout.

Yet- I always feel sad inside.

Life feels sort of hopeless and dull.

I got a job but it's made life become more dull and hopeless in a sick twisted sense. Is this all there is. I just don't see much of a reason to live long. Yet I am still here. I am lost inside. Sort of wandering with no real place for me. Making very little money and I guess after awhile that saying money doesn't buy happiness starts to make sense. I can't buy my happiness. Maybe for a short while but eh. I don't think anything would make me happy. It's like I start to become distant from everything.

All my desires.

A piece at a time, I remove my shallow joys from life, until nothing is left.

I know how you feel. I've been here before. You basically are going through the motions of life, sort of on auto pilot. Just because that's what you have to do to keep going. But why? Why bother right? Again, I know how you feel. Maybe with some therapy, or a change in therapy, medication etc could help improve things. You said you do a lot to take care of yourself. Keep going! you're doing awesome. Maybe try something new? keep reaching out and don't give up.

[Fuzzybear]

[Steiner of Thule]

Originally Posted by Annaflower

are you in therapy?

No. I don't see how it could help. How could it help.

[Steiner of Thule]

Originally Posted by ManOfConstantSorrow

Sorry to hear you are still suffering SoT. Is there anyone to help you?

No. No one can help with this I think

[Steiner of Thule]

Originally Posted by Hexagram

I'll bet you would really dig the documentary The Kingdom of Dreams and Madness, which Netflix started streaming last month under its Japanese name, 'Yume to kyôki no ohkoku'.

Don't have Netflix. Could probably find online though

[Steiner of Thule]

Originally Posted by Zayabean

I know how you feel. I've been here before. You basically are going through the motions of life, sort of on auto pilot. Just because that's what you have to do to keep going. But why? Why bother right? Again, I know how you feel. Maybe with some therapy, or a change in therapy, medication etc could help improve things. You said you do a lot to take care of yourself. Keep going! you're doing awesome. Maybe try something new? keep reaching out and don't give up.

My meds helped and I thought that if I could be social and actually leave my house on my own. my depression and poor feelings would go away. It hasn't though. If anything it has gotten worse because now I have lost that hope. The hope that just being able to go outside like a normal person would help me be happy. Though it sort of feels like a defeat.

Also I wonder if my new found ability to go outside isn't just a house of cards. It could fall apart.

therapy really, really does help. it changed my life. i've been at the place you are now before, and it does get better, but you need treatment - you have an illness, just as someone with diabetes would need insulin.

How do you work if you are unable to leave the house on your own?

[Steiner of Thule]

Originally Posted by Illegal Toilet

How do you work if you are unable to leave the house on your own?

I can do that on my own now. That is how I work. For years though I couldn't. Mainly from taking anti-psychotics was I able to actually go outside. Pretty much since the beginning was I like this.

[Steiner of Thule]

Originally Posted by Annaflower

therapy really, really does help. it changed my life. i've been at the place you are now before, and it does get better, but you need treatment - you have an illness, just as someone with diabetes would need insulin.

What did you do in therapy besides talking. I have an illness? Is that why everything is hard and I always feel behind and lost? Most therapists in the past focused on just trying to get me to go outside more. I never opened up in therapy.

Originally Posted by Steiner of Thule

What did you do in therapy besides talking. I have an illness? Is that why everything is hard and I always feel behind and lost? Most therapists in the past focused on just trying to get me to go outside more. I never opened up in therapy.

well yes, I assume you do have an illness. schizoaffective disorder is an illness.

in therapy we discuss thought patterns, set goals, get difficult stuff out and most of all feel like someone is on your side and you're not alone.

[Ruth4k]

I am in sort of a similar situation @steiner
Depression is genuinely like a virus. It's never completely cured and comes back often. My depression at least. I have fought many battles with it. I have never resisted treatments and therapists. I have been diligent. Why then do i never escape for good.
I find myself having solved all the other issues, doing all I'm supposed to do, taking my meds, seeing shrinks, working out, eating right, sleeping 8 hours and doing this for years on end.....still thinking about suicide with such a desperate need.
I want to die. I'm so tired of all this. I literally have no idea what else I can do.

[newbysgirl]

I know how hard it is. In less than a week I went from high functioning to low functioning. Resigned from my job as HR Director and every single so called work friend turned their back on me. Now I am without income, part of my support system and now dealing with the worst anxiety/depression I have ever faced. SI running rampant in my head. Feeling so betrayed and hopeless at the same time. No appetite, no energy, no joy, etc. All I want to do is sleep and hide. I thankfully have a supportive husband and daughter. Probably need to reach out to a therapist but for sure don't have the funds now.

[Steiner of Thule]

Originally Posted by Ruth4k

I am in sort of a similar situation @steiner
Depression is genuinely like a virus. It's never completely cured and comes back often. My depression at least. I have fought many battles with it. I have never resisted treatments and therapists. I have been diligent. Why then do i never escape for good.
I find myself having solved all the other issues, doing all I'm supposed to do, taking my meds, seeing shrinks, working out, eating right, sleeping 8 hours and doing this for years on end.....still thinking about suicide with such a desperate need.
I want to die. I'm so tired of all this. I literally have no idea what else I can do.

I know right? Why can't I get away? It just seems bleak.

[Steiner of Thule]

Originally Posted by Annaflower

well yes, I assume you do have an illness. schizoaffective disorder is an illness.

in therapy we discuss thought patterns, set goals, get difficult stuff out and most of all feel like someone is on your side and you're not alone.

I guess so. I don't feel schizoaffective. They said I was. Am I though? I don't know. I don't have hallucinations. I don't see ****. I'm not schizophrenic. I don't have a mood disorder. I am completely normal. Yet they say I am schizoaffective? I never understood it. Just depressed and a problem that if I don't take meds I can't leave my house.

I don't get treated irl like I have an illness.

Not like others with like a physical wound. I don't get special treatment. No one is really on my side. A bunch of people who act nice but think differently. They are all out for themselves or they think low of me. I had a thing of people but because I am so distant they just disappeared on me and I was never helped by them again. They said they would help me? They didn't. They abandoned me just like everyone else. To them I didn't exist. To most I don't exist.

No one would know if I died.

I'd like to die. I have a good idea on how I'd do it.

Not to say I'm going to kill myself because I know this place isn't for suicide help. You'll just tell me to call a hotline or something else I won't bother listening to. I get a sick sort of pleasure thinking about it though. It's a freeing idea.

"It doesn't matter because hey! I'll be dead!"

[dexterslullaby]

It doesnt work like that. Once you die you are not free. I have been in your place before and things got better. Now years later, I have kids and after so many mistakes over the years its finally catching up and I'm slowly sinking more and more. I don't know what to do besides get my life together for my kids. But no one will hire me and I can't let my kids be alone.

[dexterslullaby]

I'm so off track from where I would like to be and I'm somewhat stuck in a marriage that is full of lies and deceit and jealousy

[dexterslullaby]

You need to find yourself doing somethimg you enjoy

[Steiner of Thule]

Originally Posted by dexterslullaby

You need to find yourself doing somethimg you enjoy

I don't really enjoy much nowadays.

[Steiner of Thule]

Originally Posted by dexterslullaby

It doesnt work like that. Once you die you are not free. I have been in your place before and things got better. Now years later, I have kids and after so many mistakes over the years its finally catching up and I'm slowly sinking more and more. I don't know what to do besides get my life together for my kids. But no one will hire me and I can't let my kids be alone.

Sure you are. Freeing my soul from my body. Though I can't tell if you're trying to make me feel better or worse. It sounds like life can end up pretty hopeless down the road too.

[Ruth4k]

I am so sorry you feel that way. Dying is hard work. It isn't simple. The planning, the execution, what if it doesn't work? You will have the hard task of recovery. If you do succeed, you will put someone or other on a position where they must figure stuff out. I'm sorry it feels hard and undesirable to live. Nothing external will make you want to live. Bad situations are recurring all through life. The point is that, that's not all, that's not all life needs to be. Please hold on and actually allow yourself to work towards something.