Daily Check In, ups and downs #17

I drank a whole bottle of wine but I'm not drunk. I can think clearly. Why can't I get drunk? It's not like I drink that often. I almost never drink.

Life sucks. I hate new years eve. Can I just kill my asshole brother and his ''friends'' who are too loud in our yard. They're keeping me awake. I want to sleep. I want this night to be over.

I hate myself. I hate life. I feel so lonely. I just want someone who likes me. Who has my back. I don't want to be this lonely.

((((((( Chummy ))))))) I hope you feel better soon.

Happy New Year everyone. It is hard to believe how far down and how far back I have come in the last 12 months. Most of it seems unreal now just as recovery felt unreal when I was depressed. Keep hanging on everyone I hope you all will find something better in 2016.

Saw my np Tuesday and she said I had moderate depression .

I worked the whole day today. Hardly anyone around and not much being delivered. But I was able to keep myself busy. Cleaning out the old files for 2015 and getting set up for Monday for the new year.

Tomorrow is my birthday. Yes, that's right! So as the New Year comes, I get one year older. There are times when this feels scary to me. Nothing planned for tonight. I hate going out on New Years Eve anyways. Usually in my neighborhood, the noise breaks out at midnight. I always hated that.

I wish everyone an happy new year. Life looks exactly the same, but it doesn't hurt anyone to think about a new year as a new possibility for a better life. Already 2016 were I live and I was here in bed imagining what might change for me this year. It's certainly an year with lots of challenges professionally. Almost certainly my last year as a student. But I was always remembering how I ask the same wish at midnight (or at least I used to, even I don't believe on those things). I used to use all the 12 wishes (as it is tradition to ask 12 wishes) wishing I could feel normal, I could have normal social relationships and my mental health improved... even when I didn't understand what I have and how I feel.
I can't say nothing changed, probably some things did, but I am still unhappy with who I am.
So again this year I these continue what I want most to change about my life, specially the social part... I hope the psychology appointments I am going to attend in 14 days can be the first step to the change I have been wanting to happen in my life.

I am embarrassed and mad. Before I begin this, I want to make something perfectly clear: I love my family. I'm grateful for what they've done for me, but...ugh! OK, there was a New Years Eve block party that I went to 3 hours ago, and almost everyone I've seen brought friends, dates, whatever. Why am I embarrassed? I got stuck with my mom, who would rather just take pictures than do anything fun, and my claustrophobic grandma that doesn't even like stuff like this. They over stayed their Christmas vacation and I had to grin and bare it. My family and I don't even have much in common outside of blood relation, and to make matters worse, my current circle of friends aren't even interested in stuff like this, so I can't even hang out with them to take a break from my relatives. Why am I mad? Because it seems that I only attract incompatible or partially compatible people. I just wish that, for once, I could have a friend that I can do things with and be myself. I don't care for drinking, smoking, whatever, but the nightlife is supposed to have those rare moments that I can stop being shy, look stupid, and have fun and not regret it. If I keep doing these things with people that I'm not even comfortable being myself with, what am I supposed to look forward to if I've seen it all? I hate the incompatibility, but I hate holding myself back (outside of the Internet) even more.

happy birthday will! and happy new year to everyone. not much to say. cautiously optimistic.

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Happy 2016 to all! Happy birthday, Will.

spent the afternoon today watching pitch perfect. both of the movies back to back

made me really happy. they are such good movies... love the singing.

all in all a regular day with not too much depression

I had a wonderful night with friends, dancing, and a soulful evening with someone I like very much. I got home at !0 30 in the morning and my ex was waiting for me in the house. He brought my 15 year old home last night at my request and decided to stay with her. It was a very creepy experience to see my ex glaring at me and asking why I was so late. I am trying to be a good mom and to try and live my life. It is hard.

Funny how ex's get when they know you've moved on and in a relationship. My ex was very nosy today. I just hung up.
I'm feeling down tonight, but it's my own fault. I took a quetiapine in the hopes of having a better sleep, woke up only a few hours later in a sweat. The stuff was crap and made me depressed so why did I take one again? I'm hoping to get a car on the road tomorrow. Then I'll finally be free and be able to get out of this little town.

TheOriginalMe, I'm so glad your year went better, and I wish for you to stay well.

I can't think straight, but hugs to everyone struggling with depression.

New Year ever was just OK.

I caught my first cold of 2016! And I feel like crap

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Today was one of the best birthdays I've had in a while. Had lunch with a good friend. And got some gifts that were unexpected. There had been many times on my birthday when I wouldn't get anything. Also got some phone calls.

Other years I would feel depressed on New Year's night because I'd have to go back to work the next day. But not this time! I have Saturday and Sunday off, so it's nice having two days off after New Year's Day.

i am up at 4 am today, took my meds and am starting to relax. i feel alot better than what i felt over the holidays, now i am doing down time for myself.

rright now not feeling too bad

having a little bit of a craving to binge on my potato chips.. but i'm not going to. i'm not going to spoil the day by doing that

So, um, you know how being depressed can flatten out your emotions? I doubt how "real" my depression is sometimes, if it's just the normal ups and downs of life like some tests tell me, but after last night I'm not so sure.

My building burnt down last night. Well, maybe it didn't burn down, but the fire damage was so bad it's being condemned. I was ultimately able to retrieve most of my stuff, but through the entire 6-hour ordeal between detecting the fire and fleeing the building, to Red Cross housing us in a hotel until Monday...I felt nothing. Not consciously. I almost didn't care, but just thought practically about what I could replace and how. Even when it occurred to me some important stuff could be destroyed...'oh, that sucks'. I recall feeling a pang of formless sadness hit me while waiting for my paperwork, but that's it. I should be worried now about housing but...I'm not. I should be stressed or worried from the experience. I'm not. It feels like just another day today. Oh God what's wrong with me?

Wow, that's terrible. I wish you good luck in resolving these issues. Sending my good thoughts.

An alright day for me so far. Today was a typical Saturday with the housecleaning and shopping. I did my Saturday routine a little bit differently today. I had a little more time to myself, but I didn't notice a significant difference. I kind of miss the old way of doing things. Though I did take a longer bike ride today than other Saturdays.

Nothing much socially today. My friend called me a couple of times today and that was it. Nothing going on tonight; except that I got a movie.

Woke up this morning having dreaded feelings. Feelings like: 'what will happen if I suddenly get ill, when will I pass away', etc. And feeling very alone and out in the cold.

Haven't been here much lately... I've been a member her about 2.5 years...under a different name. And this was always a lifeline. Not really sure why I haven't posted, just struggle to find the words.. Lately I don't really know how I am, it changes..a lot. I hope this year will be different but I won't hold my breath!

This is getting way too weird now. First, I was able to wake up easily and had the energy to do something (cook breakfast), was FINALLY able to have a crying session, and was able to think straight. Everything else was the same. I ate a lot of food and drank a lot of water yesterday, but I don't think it could contribute to everything today. Was it the guava tea I drank yesterday? It was my first time trying it, but I don't know if it contributed to something this powerful. Tea usually doesn't have this kind of effect on me.

relieved to be home today after long drive and visit to family yesterday. completely drained from the holidays relieved it's all over. got a lot done at home went through some toys and clothes the kids don't use anymore will donate them. and hubby took the tree down. yay

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I just want the 'old me' back. I realize she's probably gone forever. But I wish it weren't so. She'd know what to do to make things better for now.

I hate this other me, the me I am now. I'm not comfortable with being her. And since the old me is dead, there is no other choice but to stay here, or make a new me entirely, which I am too depressed to do.

Been feeling weirdly out of it all day, sort of in a dissociative fog. not sure if it's really dissociation or the pills I took last night that made me cloudy.

I just want to be me again. The real me. Just like everyone else that left, I took her for granted. and now she's gone.

I've lost my sense of self. I have no direction or purpose.