Daily Check In, ups and downs #17

I've been in a really awful mood most of the day. My eyes are sore from crying so much and I've only got out of bed once today.

A friend just shared a piece he wrote about the day his wife died. She was ill for a year and then had a messy traumatic death. How do people survive life sometimes? I am going back home to say goodbye to my dad and my friend has offered to come with and support me. That will be okay with love present. I guess, my husband walking out on me after 27 years is okay too with love. You can love people when they just can[t step up to the plate of life. This is almost the hardest thing to do, to forgive people that just aren't strong enough to love you. My mom still won't come to the phone even though my dad is dying. Even she, deserves love and compassion, as do I who used to be so angry at her.

doing ok anxious about going out tonight should be nice but i'll feel better when home again. got eyes checked this morning i was surprised when you check in they ask you right there about changes to your health and medication. so the whole waiting room hears it. she asked me about zoloft, which i don't take anymore, but i didn't want to tell her the two new psych meds i take, especially cause they are hard to spell and pronounce and i could just see having to repeat it like four times. i told the dr though. it probably didn't really matter if they have it on record, but i think it sucks they do it that way.

Sent from my RCT6303W87DK using Tapatalk

How could I possibly feel when I spent years pouring my heart out to a T who was betraying me behind my back!! Then I found out and he lies about it. Then SHE LIES about it and they are so arrogant thinking no one cares about me so why not mock her?? Then people who were my friends (or so I thought) joined in to mock me. How could any of these people do this to me??? All I did was try to get along and they go against me. This is what I get for trying so hard for so long. In the end....none of it is worth it! Yes I'm crying so what. The bullies think its funny until it happens to them.

wanting to go back in my shell last night was interesting like going into an alternate universe for me definitely didn't feel like i belonged though. after i stopped thinking how easy it would be to fall down into the sea of people in the arena really i'm a little surprised that doesn't happen it would be so easy hardly a guard rail. i enjoyed the show a bit.

Sent from my RCT6303W87DK using Tapatalk

Saw a bunch of cool seeming girls while out in public yesterday. Now I want to die because I know I'd never have the courage to approach them and will always be alone.

I'm doing okay today. I've been reading which I haven't been able to concentrate on in a while. It is doing a good job of keeping my mind occupied. Anxiety has been low since I took my klonopin. So I guess I'm having a pretty good day.

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

Doing okay, staying on a full dose of my antidepressant now because I have to sleep and it's the only thing that helps. Keeping myself busy as much as possible, thinking of what's best for my sons and my own family first, before anything else. It is a job to be a mom, one that many don't understand is very draining. My son has learning issues and has also picked up on the past issues from his dad. I'm very tired.

Random sadness kicked in around 5pm and I just fought down some who-had-it-worse inspired guilt, I'll probably be turning in.

At least I'm not obsessing any more.

A very busy day for me today. Early in the morning I went to have my car serviced. It turned out I needed more work than I thought. The car runs very nice now, but it was pretty costly to have it repaired. I felt like I was doing so well lately with my financial recovery; and then boom, I get hit with a big repair bill!

Other than that I just did the usual stuff for Saturday. Cleaning and shopping. For some strange reason, it seemed like today people were friendly. It's like there was some kind of special thing in the air that made people out there friendly. Well, I'll take it. But I didn't connect with anyone.

Why???? I give up!!!!

Sent from my XT1254 using Tapatalk

Sad angry sad sad sad lonely sad some more sad sad tired sad

I feel OK today, look froward to relaxing and eating good food this Sunday.

doing okay today staying in pj pants and will stay in other than walking the dog. think i will put off baths and shower don't feel that dirty. a nap would be nice but everyone in the house is some level of sick so i am not that hopeful for that to happen.

Sent from my RCT6303W87DK using Tapatalk

Had some real 'wins' in the battle against Anxiety which has kept my chin out of the Depressing waters. But the happiness seems tenuous and I am presently exhausted from trying to be vigilant in staying on the right side of Depression.

fell off the wagon last night, drank 6 beers. today i'm surprisingly not-hungover. i'm going to take that as a sign not to mess up again. though it was nice to get a break from my depression. i just wish there was a way to get the same feeling without having to harm myself. the 'healthy' coping methods never worked for me, and neither did meds or therapy, though to be fair i haven't given that another chance in 2 years. i just don't have the patience for trial-and-error stuff anymore; i need something that i know for sure will help. they say that happiness comes from within, but i am empty inside.

This day went by pretty fast for me today. Not much going on today. Went to church in the morning and spent a little time with my friend. We had a nice chat, but there were times when he would say how I do things wrong. I don't know why he has to bring those things up.

After lunch, I just made some spaghetti sauce and let it slow simmer. Did not do much in the afternoon because of the weather. Been rainy and very windy. I just took a walk and got caught in some showers that I didn't expect.

Had an episode of dsyphoria and emptiness today, can't remember how I felt yesterday, but I am sure it was different than today just as today will be different from tomorrow. My mood cycles so many times so quickly, all over the map from BPD. I was at my niece's bday party, and coming home I sat in the backseat of the car on the ride home and cried, I'm glad it was dark by then so no one noticed.

Welcome back, depression. I didn't miss you in the least. And here you are again.

FML.

today i went out for the first time since my birthday (november 7th) almost 3 mo. ago. i had to go with my parents to the social security office, and then to the medicaid office to sign papers and whatnot. it exhausted me. i'm not even showering tonight because i am so physically and mentally tired. good news, the inspection is not until thursday, when i thought it was tomorrow. so now i have 2 'extra' days to finish cleaning. i really needed those days because i'm not yet done. if the inspection were tomorrow i'd have to finish cleaning tonight regardless of how tired i am. what irks me about it, though, is that my mom found out it was on thursday and neglected to tell me until today. so all this time i thought it was tomorrow and getting my anxiety up for no reason.

so... i've resolved to make a list of all i still have to do, and begin crossing it off tomorrow. it's going to storm tomorrow, so it'll be a good day to work inside. on thursday i'll get dressed and walk somewhere around the time the inspector lady is to show up. it's not that i don't like her, it's just that having a stranger look around in your room with you just sitting there is kinda awkward. my mom will be there though, so it's okay.

So I am going to meet my boyfriend's son. How did I end up in this situation? I am 51 and feel like I am nine years old. My boyfriend's wife died only a year ago, after a year's illness in which he took care of her. We found each other because we are both really gentle. I wanted to find out about someone who was grieving because I felt like I was grieving too but since I was divorced I didn't feel like I had permission. Then we both really felt like we wanted to feel alive and happy and we work through all our feelings with just giving each other space and listening. I hope this is okay with his son, it might be hard for him to understand.

I've had the worst fluctuations in motivation today - in the past few hours a revived obsession took me from "I'm going to accomplish all the things!" To "Why bother even trying?" I have no idea how I will feel tomorrow.

Also, does anyone here ever experience this kind of...hollow calm? Like you've momentarily pulled out of your depression, maybe have a burst not motivation... but despite how good you feel those pleasant feelings feel like a mask that's simply been placed over you by some unseen force? It's usual an rather unstable pleasure, like it could fall apart any second and plunge you back down? Because that's what I felt today.

How could a T want to make my life worse than it was?? Then he walks away from me. I was nothing but nice to him. All I want is my life back but he has changed it irreparably. I can't trust a therapist. How am I supposed to handle what he's done to me?

Meeting my boyfriend's son went okay. I think I used to avoid situations which made me uncomfortable, people with whom I couldn't hide. However, going to Cuddle Parties, where you meet and hug people in a non sexual way, has helped me feel more confident in saying yes to invitations and then relaxing in people's company. It is like I can communicate through touch and let people reach me. Growing up with an alcoholic mom, talking and silence and body language, were her weapons from her pain. Someone stroking my hair, lets me be a happy kid just wanting to smile and hug back.