Daily Check In, ups and downs #17

I did not go. It is a long story and happened long time ago. I did not go, and nobody died, everything was just fine

Feeling very anxious, my life it is plain ... it does no matter how much I tell myself that having a very insolated life because of major depression and the most terrible kind of anxiety disorder is ok. That all is ok. Well, it is not ok. I want to be active, no just someone that lives in a survivor mood. I have hope, just don't see it happened for years ... I am sad very sad to the point that you can see it on my face. Sighs

I've had a "benign" cyst under my left arm for about 4 years now. Somehow, it got infected and that area has become red and swollen and itchy and painful. I've been taking antibiotics, but it's not getting any better.

i managed to finish up some tasks but at the same time i am now struggling with fear.

My day is going okay. I'm trying to figure out how I'll spend my evening at home. Part of me wishes I could just go home and sleep but I can't just go to sleep for 12 hours, lol. I think I will put together my new office chair and maybe work on a puzzle. I do want to take a nap first. .and maybe unpack my kitchen stuff so I ha e a kitchen again. First I'm going to chill out on the bed for at least an hour, lol.

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Before I used to write about everything in my life, the crazy things I did, what hurt me, what I wondered and what I wanted. When I started putting the things I used to wish for in my stories I suddenly felt naked. How do I continue sharing, trusting, hope that is deep inside me. I just will. And I will write something for my sixteen year old who just wants my divorce and anything I do or anyone I meet to not come in out gates at home.

Feeling better today. Yesterday afternoon I pushed myself to started to do some cleaning, after that I was able to cook. I could not believe when I was done making spaghettis with broccoli alfredo. Later I went for the firsts time in months for a 30 minutes walk around my neighborhood. At night my middle son was immediately taking for a surgery, that was very scary. He is doing just fine this morning. What a day! Hugs to all of you that are always so supportive.

Seem to be having a bit of a sad day, but it seems I recently acquired some new methods to keep it at bay. The feelings might persist, but at least I can stop the rumination now.

Also, I had a job interview that may or may not actually lead somewhere. If it does...I have a whole new skill set to learn and it kind of scares me.

i may be getting a summer job yay!

spoke too soon.

A pretty busy day at work today. In the afternoon I was called on to help out with a problem. There had been an anti-freeze leak with a generator at work and I was called on to help clean it up. There were two guys besides me doing it, so it went by pretty quick.

I'm feeling like life is alright around now. But I feel like it could be better. But I know it could be much worse. I feel like if I complain too much within myself, then the good things I have going for me will get taken away.

I have an appointment in two weeks with a dermatologist to have a skin cancer removed. I've had it done before. I feel like with that coming ahead, it feels like killjoy with my life right now feeling alright.

Another day with my friend anxiety. Sighs

Been okay today, mood took a downturn a little while ago, but tried to get some stuff done for my own sake.

Anyone else notice their mood drop in the evening? For me it's generally around 4-7pm somewhere in there I just end up sad for no apparent reason.

I've lost 52lbs. and there's no difference in how I look at all... fighting the urge to give up and binge. I'm not even happy about finally surpassing 50lbs. I'm only doing this to look like a human ****ing being so I can maybe go outside and have a life someday, but if it's not going to work then I might as well binge and stay fat and ugly while also enjoying some kick *** food.. ughghghh being ugly makes me depressed.

For me, it's the opposite. I don't start feeling human until about 4pm.

Ennui - That is an amazing achievement for you. I am proud that you did it, please be proud of yourself I am sure you must look very different even if you can't see it yourself.

I have had a week of rollercoaster moods but basically I am doing ok. I still don't have much self confidence but I keep taking one day at a time and try my best to look after myself and not worry about the things I can't change.

Thank you! I just wish I could see the difference is all. :P I've worked so hard to get here and it's like there's no reward in it because I look the same as I did 52lbs. ago, at least o myself... Other people have told me they can see a difference, but I can only tell it in the way clothes fit now vs. before. In the mirror I can't see a bit of difference, and that's where it counts most, because I'm losing weight to feel okay with how I look. But I'm starting to feel like that won't be happening. I know I am obese still, but you'd think 50lbs. would make a considerable dent. I've even considered the possibility that I might have BDD, as I just can't see what others do. I'm trying to just be happy about the loss but it's hard when I feel like it's all for naught.

You will lose more weight. Keep going. I agree with OriginalMe, it's an achievement, even if you're not content with it yet. Use that thought to motivate yourself to keep on.

Wow !!!! You are brave. I admire you

That's excellent, ennui! And if you don't see the change maybe it's because you need new clothes to let this achievement show.

I haven't heard from my best friend in a few days, not unusual but when I don't hear from her for more than a day I start getting worried.

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I'm ok but anxiety starting to creep back, I feel like I should be in worse phase but on medication that's keeping me well which is strange

I'm so mixed up, so anxious I want to scream or hit something. I wish I could just appreciate what I have and act mature and be a normal person instead of this mess I am. Someone please show me the light, I think I'll never be okay right now.

Hi disparaissant

I think you are allowed to feel anything you want to and it is always okay. You are beautiful just being you. The part which you have to watch is that you always treat others with dignity - that is separate. You sound like you are tying hard and that you really care.

i'm ready for my dad's vacation to be over already. he goes back mon. and i can't wait. that must sound terrible. but the thing is, i feel like i can't do anything when he's around. i've basically been trapped in my room for 8 days. my room is in a state of disarray because i feel like i can't clean or do anything when he's here. my face is breaking out again because i've neglected my skin care routine, and i haven't brushed my teeth in three days.
i do love him because he's my dad, but i don't like him as a person anymore. he doesn't acknowledge how much he's hurt my mom and i and continues to hurt us by being indifferent. he doesn't try to be involved in my life even though i'm basically home all day every day so he has all the time in the world to get to know me. but i'm 19 and he doesn't know **** about me, nor does he care to seems like. i'm his only child, and i know he wanted a son, so maybe that's it. he just gives off this vibe that he doesn't care and i'm frankly sick of trying to get him to. he'll never care, so why should i?
we were supposed to do 'something fun' on this vacation 'as a family' but no one has said a word to me about anything and now i'm beating myself up mentally for getting my hopes up because who am i kidding, we never do anything fun. we're not even a family. i'm lucky if either of them say 20 words to me combined all day.