Feeling Worse Every Day

I am glad that you will be able to see T. Do you see T weekly? If not, what would you think of that idea?

We meet every other week, when possible. I think weekly would be nice, if we could make it work. I try to work around my work schedule, but it isn't easy. It would be so much better if I could see a T who worked Fridays.

How committed are you to this specific T?

I've been seeing her since July of last year. One of the few who sounded compatable from the clinic, and that's about the only clinic nearby that my insurance uses. I don't think I really tried to connect much, or disconnect, because I didn't expect to be seeing her this long.

Feeling bad today. I'm so fat, it really bothers me. I've been gaining weight since I moved in here (in august) and I just can't change it. I don't have the energy or make other excuses to avoid working, but in the end I just feel worse about myself. I hate it, I wish it was easier for me to lose weight so I didn't hate myself so much.

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I have all these lofty plans. Start exercising, make a meal plan (and stick to it), journal, spend more time on art. But I just can't follow through. I don't exercise because I don't have time. I barely can wake up in time for work in the morning, and when I get home I'm just drained. I can find time on weekends or at night to go through Pintrest and pin all kinds of lunch ideas and meal plans, but I can't find time to go through them and write down what I want to eat. Journaling is the worst, I can never stick with it. And art? Who can find the motivation? I used to find so much release in drawing or writing, but I don't have any creative spark anymore.

I feel extra numb lately. When I would SH in the past, there was always this distinct difference between self-inflicted injuries and accidental injuries. Accidents hurt worse, they didn't feel good like the on-purpose wounds. Since I finally remembered to buy more shaving cream, I decided to shave my legs last night, and It wasn't on purpose, it was just because I'm sloppy when I shave and hadn't done so in a while. But the pain felt good, and I was a little disappointed that the bleeding stopped before I got out of the showe.

Today is so hard.

I feel like a failure because I'm depressed. I see T and go over coping skills and make plans to change things in my life that I want to change, but I just can't do any of it. The depression just makes it so hard to act. Then I feel guilty because I can drag myself to work every day, but I can't do anything else. I use all my energy to make it through work, there's nothing left when I get home. I know if I just use some of these coping skills, or start making some of the changes I want to make, I'll start feeling better. There is research to show that. I just can't do it.

What are the changes you want to make?

Better self-care. I need to start exercising and eating healthier again so I can lose weight. I need to spend more time managing my stress levels so I don't feel overwhelmed by work and home and everything else. Those are a couple of the big ones.

Thanks! How might you manage your stress levels?

I'm good with lists. I make To Do lists at work all the time to prioritize, it's something I would like to start with housework as well. I need to spend more time on me as well, taking breaks at work to relax, doing more fun activities at night and on weekends.

You've mentioned quite a number of good ideas. To me, though, a problem is that while depressed you are asking yourself to do many things, and then beating yourself up when your depression interferes with the accomplishing of them. What if you started by aiming for just one or two main things, and then build on that/them?

Even when focusing on just one or two things, I just lack the energy to get started. For example, when I first got my stationary bike set up, I started doing well with getting up half an hour early every day to bike before work. Compared to most "normal" jobs, I wasn't getting up at 5 or 6 for this, just 8:30. I can't even get up at that time now. I still have an alarm set, just in case, but every morning when it goes off I turn it off and roll back over.

Right. When depressed, getting activated is really hard. That's why I am thinking that focusing on one or two could be more manageable (though still really hard) than discussing a wide range of things. If you were to focus on one or two, what would they be?

Getting up to exercise would probably be #1. I kniw exercise improves mood, so I'd be working on my depression and weight.

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I don't know how to make it anymore. Today was so hard, I just don't want to do it again tomorrow. But I have to, and the day after that, and after that, and after that. I just want to give up so badly.

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Try to hang in there and get help via therapy, pdoc, and exercise. Exercise does sound like a good #1 priority. If exercise is your only nonroutine part of the day, still try to count that part of the day as a success for the time being. Was that today that you were going to see your therapist?

Yes, I saw her this morning.

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How helpful was it?

Not very. It sparked the guilt I was feeling earlier about not being able to do things. After I left I started feeling like I'm making my feelings out to be worse than they are.

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Being really down on yourself is of course a symptom of depression.

What sort of exercise, as you mentioned above, do you have in mind?

I have a stationary bike in my spare room. It's enjoyable, convenient, and helps my knees too. So that's the plan.

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That sounds good! Have you a plan for amount of time, days per week, time of day?