Feeling Worse Every Day

Before work, around 9am, for at least 15 minutes to start (my legs are nowhere near as strong as they used to be). I guess for frequency, as many days as I can?

I want to cry already today. I know the type of client I work with, they're all felons and they're never happy to be sent to see me, so I get that they aren't going to always be nice. But twice now, in the last 2 weeks, I've been called horrible names. I can appreciate my coworker's opinion that it's good they don't like me, it means I'm doing my job, but lately I've been hard enough on myself that it's not easy to deal with them doing the same thing.

You do not deserve that.



I agree that it comes with the territory.

Even so, it must be so hard to hear verbal abuse from both inside and out.



You do not deserve it.

This all sounds good to my ears except for the last part, about frequency. My suggestion would be to specify a few days now, and build from there. Do you want to bike on weekends? For example, I think you are often off on Fridays? So therefore perhaps Friday, Sunday, Tuesday to start? Or maybe on the other hand you do want to bike before work--and so you would choose your days accordingly.

Whatever days you decide, my suggestion is to start off with three days per week, or at the very least no more than four. When you are consistently achieving the 15 minutes and the three days per week, you can expand slowly if you so desire (in my opinion ).

Thank you. I know it's my pushing to help them improve that causes the lashing out, but it still hurts.

I was thinking yesterday about trying to start biking this weekend, since it is so hard for me to get up in the morning. I think I'd like to try to bike at least once this weekend.

I'm sorry that certain clients are so hurtful. It is a very tough population to work with. I admire you for taking on that responsibility and being good at it.

Biking this weekend sounds good. If you are willing, please let us know when you do it and it how felt for you.

I don't know how good I am at what I do, but I try. I heard about the name calling today second-hand, and was told not to think it was about me, which may be true. But I know that client doesn't like me already, so it does still feel personal.

I will. I am hoping to find the energy to clean the bathroom too this weekend, hopefully both work out.

I'm becoming anxious for the day to be over. The rest of my day should go by fast, a blessing in the least, but I'm also anxious about going home. Or, at least, I think I am. This morning I kind of shut off my feelings, after the information about the new angry client. I feel numb. It's helping me push through the day, meet with clients, not break down at my desk, but I don't know what's going to happen at home. I could stay like this, or I could just break down later, and I don't know which I prefer. I know my bf will be there when I get home, like usual, but he said earlier this week that he was not staying tonight like he normally does. It made me feel selfish, because I always want him with me, but he has family at home he needs to spend time with as well. I don't feel anything against him for it, I just wish we were living together already.

Work is ending with good news and bad news. I'm comforted and anxious at the same time. Unknowns suck.

The good: my bf decided he is going to stay tonight. I need that.

The bad: a client in group tonight mentioned that he found a really nice apartment he's thinking about renting ... in my neighborhood. Not that I have a problem with him, it's just so weird to think that he could be my neighbor.

if you can... try to slow down - and look at that stuff that you have that does make you feel better,... dont put all your chips in one bag so to speak - just try to use those things that are happy for you - to get through the day... look forward to it and all, trying not to thinkg about the bad things.. but try to be flexible too! because sometimes things do just not go according to plans... but you can be strong and survive all of it - i know i cant let myself give up... and try to go from one small good thing to the next with grace....
much love

The saddest dreams of loss I have are about cats. They are so comforting to cuddle with, and I've always had cats in the past who have been there when I need something. So caring and comforting. Last night I dreamt about going to my bf's house, and he had a bunch of cats there. I picked up one tiny black kitten (it fit in one hand), and it snuggled into my neck and nibbled on my ear. My bf commented on how happy I looked holding this cat. Then later there was a young grey and white kitten leaning against my legs so I could pet it.

I wish I had a cat.

I could cry today, but what's the point. Guess I could've used 2 days off instead of one this week. Too bad my vacation time isn't for another 2 weeks. I'm so tired, and dreams are better than reality anyway. I feel like I've lost something, but I don't know what. Whatever it is, it was big, and it's left a huge hole in me. Today feels distinctly wrong.

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I'm anxious today. It's going to be a long, busy day, and I just don't want to do it. I've already had one cancellation and one unpleasant phone call, and I should've only been here for half an hour, but I came in early for the cancellation. Yesterday exhausted me, I was so activated all day, I just couldn't turn off last night. Then I got in bed and kept hearing noises that, like always, sounded like someone in my apartment. Sometimes I wonder if I have some kind of psychosis setting in. I've been constantly questioning myself all week.

I feel like I'm breaking apart inside.

There is a part of me that has been worrying more and more that I might have BPD. If I look at it, I can find enough justification to self-diagnose. I took a BPD test on here earlier and got a score in the "severe" range. The only justification I have that I don't have it is one of my supervisor/mentors. She can't stand interacting with people who are BPD, and I've never gotten any indication that she feels that way about me, so I guess it can't really be? I don't know, and I want to cry about it. I feel like such a hopeless case today.

(((((PsychNitrous)))))

I am hoping that you can get some clarity and support when you see the psychiatrist. Iirc, that is in about a week?

Yeah, a week from tomorrow.

I am panicking. Totally and completely. Yesterday I had an interaction with someone who is very likely BPD, which has really sparked some of my suspicisons of my own possible dx. I didn't get the impression that we hit it off very well, which was fine because I was not going to be doing much interacting with her after yesterday. Now she wants to come talk to me. Me, not her actual counselor. I don't know why, or what it's about, and I don't have time until after 6. I'm afraid. It's like I don't want to face her for fear that she will reveal how really broken and ****ed up I am. She can't have that kind of power over me but I'm so afraid she might. Or something. I don't know, but I'm losing it.

What have you found can help you destress at work?

I don't know. Sometimes just taking some me time helps, but today has been go go go go go and I have no time for anything. I only have right now because the client I'm about to meet with is doing paperwork.

How about the STOP exercise? It takes 10 seconds.

Stop
Take a breath
Observe something nonjudgmentally
Proceed

My mind just seems to rev right back up after.

It might help if you keep doing it each time you have a second.

I feel...deflated. Everything has just drained out of me now that I was able to talk with the girl from yesterday. It was nothing, but I was so afraid. Mostly I was afraid she would want to meet with me more. I can't help her in that, not right now. I'm still panicked just thinking about it, even now knowing that's not what she wants. It's the same as earlier this evening, I got a text from my supervisor shortly after she left asking if I was free to talk. And I panicked, so afraid of what she needed. It was just to check in on how something went earlier, as we hadn't talked much since the morning. It's like guilt, but I really haven't done anything wrong. Other than my smoking.

you sound like an amazing person...
sorry you are struggling with these things...
hang in there... know it doesnt help much, but i do hope you find some relief soon...

Thanks, I really appreciate it. Next week I start seeing a pdoc, hopefully he'll give me some meds to help.