Feeling Worse Every Day

Yes, I believe I am burned out some. Not only is it a difficult population, but I've been doing the work of 2 counselors for the past 3-4 months. We've been so busy, plus my depression and anxiety have been increasing, I haven't taken care of myself very well.

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stay strong psychnitrous... i know it sucks... stay strong.....

Today sucks. I still am not sleeping well. I've been feeling really nauseous all week, almost threw up this morning. I can't tell if that's the anxiety or PMS. No idea what I've been doing, but I must be sleeping funny because my neck has ached for 2 days now. BF texted me before I left my apartment, he burned his hand at work this morning. It looks bad, but not too bad at least. I hate his job whenever something like this happens.

On the plus side, it was OK that I didn't make it to work early like I had been trying to do, because my 10:00 client didn't show up. That's a bit worrying, it's not typical for him. My day is very open again, so I brought my 3DS with to play some during down time. It will be good for me. I also remembered to bring my vape pen with me today, so I can go outside with one of my coworkers whenever we want to. We've gone out to talk a couple of times in the past week, and to smoke. I don't really want to start doing that again, so if I have my pen I can just smoke on that while he has a cigarette.

I'm trying to make today work, but I feel so worn down. Everything has just worn at me so much lately, I'm exhausted. All I can do is keep pushing through.

Hang in there!

I'm struggling. I feel so beaten down that I can't physically sit or stand upright. I just want to cry, and I'm trying so hard not to.

Well that didn't even work, I couldn't make it through typing this without an inturruption that made me cry.

I don't think I can do it anymore.

Hang in there! You have Pdoc tomorrow. Take the rest of the day sick today if you need to.

(((((PsychNitrous)))))

I wish I could, I'd rather be in bed than sitting here, but there is no one here to approve the time without punishment, and I have a client at 7. I wish I had someone to talk to, but I just can't talk to my bf about today. I don't want to put any more of this on him.

Maybe write more here?

I don't know what more to write. I feel like I've said it all, I just don't want to be alone right now.

Maybe it helps to know that people are here, sitting with you? I will be here for about 45 more minutes.

Maybe. I think pretty much everyone else has left work by now, except for our late-night receptionist. I don't know, I've had my door closed for the last hour and a half. I just wish I had someone in my life who I could talk to whenever I needed them. I used to spend more time talking to my bf about how I felt, but I can tell it's wearing on him like it is on me. He isn't happy with just being there and listening to me, but I don't know what else he can do. He asks all the time, so I just try not to say anything anymore. But then I do say something and I just feel guilty. I can't apologize for it without tearing myself down, and I know that just makes him feel worse.

Have you asked him about whether or not it is really wearing it is on him? He is always asking how he can help, so maybe he isn't as unhappy as you think about listening to you.

I haven't asked him directly, but he's said he gets frustrated. Part of him not texting me for a while on Monday was because he was frustrated with the way I talk about myself. He's made it pretty clear that he doesn't like it.

I feel like I'm creating a self-fulfilling prophecy, especially recently. There was Monday morning, when I made him so frustrated and upset he couldn't even text me for most of the morning. And now today, I've been trying to be supportive and coming up with things he can do for his burn, but I get frustrated too when he won't seek medical help for this kind of thing. Then a couple of hours ago I just broke down, and I texted him about it, and I regretted it immediately. I told him to forget I said anything, and now the texts I get (when I get any) are short. I almost said they were sad too, but that could easily be my own feelings imposed. I don't want to push him away but I feel like I am.

It sounds like he isn't frustrated per se with listening to you; he is frustrated with your perspective on yourself.

It might be helpful to speak to each other in person about how best to arrange the speaking and listening. For example, maybe you could explain a bit about reflective/person-centered listening. Would that type of listening be helpful to you?

I am sorry to say that I have to go out now. I will be here later tonight. Hang in there PsychNitrous!

That could be helpful. I think from him all I really want is someone to listen to me, and to hold me when I need to cry.

Thanks. I'm trying.

I'm so good at panicking myself. No word from my bf since a bit before 5. I stopped texting him, otherwise I'm afraid I'll end up in a depressed tantrum like Monday morning. I keep checking to see if he's distracted and that's why he isn't texting me, but all I can see is that he is logged in on a Playstation. It could be mine, it could be his. I hope he turned on netflix or something and fell asleep, but I worry that it's worse. I'm afraid of him not being there when I get home. It terrifies me and I don't even have any evidence that he has ever considered it.

I now have no obligations until my pdoc appointment in the morning. I just hope this all goes away soon.

What if you told him these words?

(You might need to explain a bit what listening is in the person-centered approach.)

I have, well not exactly in those words. I've told him that being there for me is all I need from him, but he can't accept that it's enough.

Maybe use those exact words? To my mind they are clearer and more precise--and the second half is more personal/intimate.

You could also ask him to do a "test run". In other words, ask him to try it out, explain how to do it, and then let him see for himself how much it can help you.

And when (in the test run) he says "I want to fix it for you,", something like that, you can gently remind him that the test run is on at the moment...

I'm awake and can't fall back asleep yet. There are just a handful of hours until my appointment with the pdoc, and I'm nervous. There is quite a bit that I know I need to tell him that I just wouldn't say this soon. Even t doesn't know I smoke currently, and I've been seeing her for almost a year. It just feels scary, to reveal so much of myself all at once. But as long as I walk away with meds/prescriptions today, I'm ok. I need something that will help now. I know it will take time to find the right combo, but at I think we can at least find something effective on the first go.
That could help. Last night went pretty well. I started sobbing not long after I got home, and he didn't say anything for a while. Then all he said was to suggest I move to his other side so he could hold me (I was sitting on the side of his burned hand). It was exactly what I needed. Maybe today we just need to have a conversation about that, so I can tell him how helpful last night was.

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Yes definitely have that conversation with him! In fact, if possible while he is learning this new method, tell him right in the moment when he is being helpful and how much it means to you.

Good luck today at Pdoc!