Feeling Worse Every Day

I want to go over the "highlights" of the past weeks, the panic attacks and such. Then I guess whatever time is left we can go back to the list I'd wanted to address at our last session.

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That sounds likely. I've had trouble figuring out what causes a lot of what I've been experiencing lately. Maybe t has some ideas.

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Big revelation at the end of my session today. I was impressed how quickly I could pull it all back in when I started to fall apart. I guess it's time to stop pretending that I've already worked through this, because it's clear today I haven't. At least today I get to stay home and try to forget everything.

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It was unfortunately close to the end of my session today when I was finally able to say this. I really could've used more time to process. But I was finally able to express why my panic attacks have been frightening to me, and the only words that sounded right were "trauma based". So t asked me if this feeling reminded me of an incident I'd shared with her from a concert. It was a good try, that's probably the most traumatic incident I've ever told her about, but it wasn't relevant. So I finally admitted that I'd been sexual assaulted in college. I don't think I've ever told anyone about it before.

If it hadn't been such a somber topic, I think t would've jumped up cheering. It was like I solved the puzzle of me for her by telling her that. She said that it was no wonder I've been experiencing the things I've been feeling lately, with that in my past. We couldn't spend much time on it, and I had to really stuff my feelings back down. But it'll probably be the main topic at our next session.

It's a little scary to go back to what happened. I did a tiny bit of work on it, not even in a therapeutic setting, and was convinced it was dealt with. But I guess it isn't, and now the hard part starts.

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Congratulations on finding a way to speak.

Congratulations on your courage.

You did great, truly great in your session!

Of course I am sad to learn this news, but very glad that you told t and that you can begin to work with her on healing and recovery.

I feel some shame for not being able to say anything for so long. But it doesn't seem to be that uncommon, so I shouldn't be ashamed. The more I've let myself think about it, I can see how I wasn't healed from it. It's affected so much.

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I hate that this subject had to come up. It's been resting in the back of my mind ever since my session yesterday. It makes me angry. I keep thinking about how it's affected everything through my life, and I feel sick.

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It feels sickening to suddenly see a glimpse of what happened in the aftermath and how everything ties back to the event. This vision, though, helps with healing. Do your best to tell T everything that you can of these feelings and perceptions.

(((((PsychNitrous)))))

I'm trying to keep journaling about it so I remember everything when I see t again. I don't want to think about it though. It's been so long, and I've stuffed my feelings so well, it's just chaos letting any of it out again.

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Journaling is good, whatever you can handle. When do you see t again? One idea would be to journal and otherwise manage as best you can until then. Then, tell her about the chaos and get her help on planning the next steps for therapy.

My next appointment is the week after next. Journaling seems to get it out of my head, so that's plan A. If I really need to, I'll call t. At least I still have the rest of the week technically off, so I have some time to recover.

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I feel sick, and damaged. I can't stop thinking, and I feel everything. So much is starting to move in me, and it aches. I keep waiting for dreams or flashbacks or anything to justify my feelings, but it's been all physical so far. I'm just glad I'm home.

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What did you mean by "justify my feelings"?

I don't think about my past much because I have regrets. And even though I can see the connection between these regrets and what happened, I'm scared of admitting that it caused so much. I haven't really ever done anything with trauma work outside of the classroom, so I forget that there is a very physical aspect to it. I have felt so sick, physically sick, and upset since Monday, but I'm having a hard time connecting it to what t and I talked about because it's just a physical feeling. I think my lack of experience is making me look too strictly at what textbooks say happens with trauma, and I'm not accepting that there are differences.

I think that's what I meant. I keep getting mixed up about what I've written here versus in my journal.

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What would you think of asking on the Survivors of Abuse forum about people's experiences with the physical aspects of trauma work?

That could be a good idea, especially to get me through to my next appointment with t.

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I just want to go back to pretending it never happened.

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It was easy to ignore it. Now that I've let it out though it's just so overwhelming and scary. I don't even know what I feel anymore.

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It sounds like you feel out of control and helpless right now in the face of it.

That is exactly how I feel right now.

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I'm not stuffing my feelings well enough today. Started having a panic attack at work. Sure can't wait to go back to my regular schedule next week /sarcasm

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one thing i try to tell myself... it happened... it is not happening...
know what i mean...?
its not easy to just deal with it... some things takes a lot of tender care...
but we have to keep telling ourselves its not happening right now...
but we have to understand that some things happened... and we have to take our time dealing with some things... but it cant be rushed... we can move on from these things... on to better things... with healing...

I just feel like I was doing better before I opened this up. I feel so utterly lost, I just wish I didn't have to think about it ever again.

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yeah i know what you mean
but i think we have to feel it before we can release it, i dunno
sorry ..
just try to keep dragging yourself on.... like with 2 broken legs... but what you want to get to is so attractive and calling you so much you just will keep going until you get there
i dunno :x it really sucks :/