Feeling Worse Every Day

I actually have listened on a suicide hotline for many years. Our volunteers are trained, experienced adults who help thousands of callers each year. The vast majority of our calls are from people who are not suicidal but are dealing with significant problems and/or are alone.

If you are awkward on the phone calling a hotline might not be ideal, but even so it could be a way to tide yourself over when there is a long time between sessions with t. It is an option. You could call a few of them and figure out which one (if any) best suits you.

I might try it. I also did a search yesterday and see that there National Sexual Assault Hotline has a chat too.

Sent from my SM-G900R4 using Tapatalk

Yeah I forgot about the chat feature at many lines! If you decide to try one, I hope that it works out well for you.

It's an option I'd be more comfortable with. I just don't really know when I'd use it. I could at work, I suppose, but otherwise I'm usually only at home alone right before bed.

Sent from my SM-G900R4 using Tapatalk

I feel like no one really gives a **** anymore. Nothing is going right today, and it's like no one is bothering to help or make anything right. I made an hour and a half drive for my usual biweekly meeting this morning, and waited over an hour for my supervisor to get there. She never showed up. I called twice, no answer. I left a message, no response, even though it's now been 2 1/2 hours. It's nice to waste time and gas when I have nothing to spare.

Then I got to work and called in a prescription refill I need this week. They are waiting for a refill from my doc. Why? The same thing happened last month, and I think the month before that. Why the **** is it taking the doc so ****ing long to send the refill when he knows I need to call it in every 4 weeks? I'm supposed to take it around the same time on the same day of the week, every week, so why the **** can't they make it available when I need it?

Then there are all these little things at work. Two of us get asked if we can do something, and since I answered first I get to do it. I don't really have time to do it, but since the other person hasn't had a chance to answer the email yet, probably hasn't even read it, it's all on me. Clients are being ****ing morons and making it seem like our faults, and I have no defense because I did nothing.

I want to scream. I feel this weight over me and I just want to claw it away but there is nothing to attack besides myself. What is it going to take for anything to start being positive in my life?

What a crummy day so far!

So totally frustrating.

It is. I don't know what to do.

I feel like I'm spiraling. I know I need to talk to someone but I just can't make myself reach out. There is help right there, and I just can't reach for it.

You are thinking maybe of your supervisor at work?

Actually was thinking of some of these chat hotlines available. I don't think I could share my self-harm thoughts with my supervisor, and those are very prominent.

Okay. What makes it hard to reach out to these lines?

I don't know if it will help. I feel like I'd be wasting time that could be better spent. I don't know where I'd even start with what I need.

You're just not sufficiently sure that it would work out well.

Not really (as in, I agree). I have a big problem with stopping my work for however long it will take too. I don't feel important enough to take time for me right now.

I certainly can see that you would be reluctant to be on a chat while at work. If you did go on the chat, would you be assured of confidentiality there?

It seems the chats are encrypted to ensure confidentiality within, but I don't know if or how much they monitor our internet use here. I've jumped on the chat here a couple of times and never heard anything, but that might not be saying anything.

What about people walking in while you are in a chat?

There's no risk of that. I can close my office door and be alone (it locks automatically too), and my computer screen is turned away enough that I can minimize anything before someone walking in sees it.

I need help, and I want help, and I hate being so paralyzed by whatever this is that I can't get it. So many thoughts of "what's the point" and "why would anybody care". I don't know what, but I have to do something.

I tried to cut myself at work today. It didn't work, but I don't like that I was that desperate to try. I posted something earlier about how it's frustrating because I'm chasing a feeling that I just can't catch, and that scares a part of me. I'm almost worried that finally getting what I want will be going too far.

I don't know what I want to say, or what I want to get from saying it. I keep doing the same thing this week with my journal. I try to write and let it out, but I just get lost after paragraph or two and give up.

With the paralysis, maybe a paragraph or two at one sitting is good and is the most that you can do right now.

How well are you able to function at work and at home right now?

I'm struggling to do anything at home after work, but that's nothing new. I've been getting things done at work so far this week, but I haven't had that much to do. Yesterday and today I had very little to do with other people, or clients, it's been mostly paperwork. I've been leaving early to bank hours for Friday, so I can come in and get billing done. I think so far I've been able to get outside of myself enough with clients, but I've also had multiple hours to prepare and reset before and after.

As much trouble as it would be, I don't want to be functioning. If I wasn't, maybe everyone would see how much I'm hurting.

I was just wondering if the pain is so overwhelming, and/or the functioning so impaired, as to warrant thinking about going in-patient.

I don't know if I can do that. I wish I was completely falling apart and absolutely needed to go inpatient, but I just get too anxious about how I could make it work. I'd almost definitely take a loss in income, how could I keep up on my bills, would my insurance even cover any of it?

Sent from my SM-G900R4 using Tapatalk