Feeling Worse Every Day

I wish I didn't have to feel it alone. I hate that it took almost all of my session to say anything.

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i think one of the hard parts is over, getting the subject started you know?
it seems to me that things happen in phases... but its an accomplishment, you should be proud of yourself for initiating it
you are now in the position to make more steps forward, but try to let things happen...
go with the flow... try not to beat yourself up...
its a roller coaster ride for sure..
i know that lonely feeling, im not sure what to do about it.. try to keep journaling and talk about things that come up in therapy, it can improve...

Yeah, just admitting to it was so hard. It's even harder to want to talk about it to others. I haven't even been able to tell bf.

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What is your thinking as to the advantages and disadvantages of telling your boyfriend?

Well a big part of telling him is that I feel bad for being so up and down all week. We've spent a lot of time together since Monday and there have been times that I'm ok for a while and then I just fall apart. I really can't see any disadvantages of telling him.

I tried to last night, and was able to tell him that t and I started talking about a major issue without a lot of time to process, and it's brought up a lot of feelings that I'm struggling to handle.

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You told him a lot right there. How did he react?

He was supportive, asked what he could do to help.

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Nice!

It sounded from your post above as though you were maybe critical of yourself for not yet telling bf. But it sounds like he doesn't express a strong need to know what happened, he just supports you. So my thought is that if you find it too painful to speak of it to him right now, he seems to be giving you the option of waiting until it feels easier to speak about it.

Maybe a little critical. But he isn't pressing for me to tell him what happened, so I don't have to talk about it.

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you boy friend will not judge you for this...
you are lovely person...
he loves you...
he will comfort you...
this will noe make you look bad to him...
you are a strong beautiful person to him....
he cares very much... and will support you in many ways...
he will not think you are dirty... he will want to help...
try to face the fear... you are stronger than yoi think....
you are an amazing person...

I'm trying to face it, but I'm scared. I'm scared of my feelings and of my past.

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i know... im scared too...
i keep forgetting about it... in an amnesiac state...
but if you can trust him... it will help i promise...
if you love him and he loves you, the power can over come...
i know its not something you want to say to someone like that...
to anyone at all...
but someone you love... someone you trust... someone that loves you... and someone that cares so much about you... he wants to help you heal...
it is the past... we need to focus the future... your boyfriend is the present... and he can hold you... he wont hurt you... i am not trying to tell you what to do... please dont rush things... just think about it a little... he can help you heal...
since it involves that kind of physical contact...
it is important for him to know at some point...
when you start to hyperventilate and pull away from him when you are playing...
he knows something is wrong...
he wants to know... he wants to help... he loves you...

My main concern about telling bf before you speak to T is that there will be a lot of pain in telling anyone, including him, and he is not trained or experienced in how to respond to your disclosures, or in how to guide you through a process of great pain, or in how to pace or limit your disclosures so as to keep the pain bearable. In short, he is not your T. T can help you in those areas, and can offer perspective about what to tell bf, and when.

Again, a thread on this topic in the Survivors of Abuse forum would allow those who have experience to share their perspectives.

That is a good point. I can't even write out the words in my journal. I feel like what I told him last night is enough for now. I need to process more with t before I can really do anything else.

I did make a post in that forum. Didn't get any replies for a couple of days, but now I've gotten a few. It helps that some have said they felt the same in the beginning.

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I think after last night we are ok until I can see t again. I have been anxious about doing anything physical though. I've been kind of distant this week, so nothing has happened yet, and I don't know how I'll react when it does.

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yes... takes everything slow please.... it is not a race....
but know he is there, you dont have to tell him to know he cares.....
please dont do anything wrong with something i say... i cant give good advice...
i just wish i could take your pain away...
try not to distant you self from the one you care most about as much as posbile...
time alone is good... but cutting them out is bad for them... dont hurt him...

I haven't pushed that hard, just not been able to be as "normal" and close as I usually am. He's still here and doing what he can, and maybe he sees a pattern in my behavior that tells him I'm not in a good place for sex. I don't know, but I can't be without him, it's too painful to be alone.

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I feel so miserable today. I really didn't want to come back to work today, but at least I only have a few things going on. But it's terrible today. I even tried so hard and did stuff this weekend. Saturday morning I cleaned, and that night we went out with friends. Yesterday was good for relaxing, and I did some baking throughout the afternoon. I even got a chance to exercise this morning before work. But I still feel so bad. I'm trying to hard not to cry, but I think I might have to close the door soon. I don't know what I did. Part of me wonders if it might be because of last night, bf and I had sex again. But it was fine, I didn't feel triggered or anything, it was just us, not my past. There was something before I fell asleep, I don't know if it was part of a dream or just a flash of memory or thought, I can't even specify exactly what I thought or saw or whatever. It was just a flash of something, and then I "woke up" (not sure I was even asleep yet) and was terrified and anxious. But it passed and I went to sleep.

I wish my FMLA would get approved, and I wish there was some way to take more than the couple of weeks I have off paid. I just want a break from my life. I just want to feel better.

I'm sick of this feeling. It's the same repetitious cycle over and over and over...depressed, anxious, worried, guilty, afraid...the same thing over and over. I thought by now my meds would start helping, but I feel nothing. I just don't have the energy to care anymore. I need everything to just stop for a while so I can try to catch up. I'm so far behind I don't even know where I need to get to now.



I just want to know that I'm making some kind of progress.

It was major progress to tell t. It's just that right now you have the ensuing depression, anxiety, worry, guilt, fear and you can't work on them with her yet. When do you see her again?

Next Monday. I thought I was doing pretty good over the weekend, but today feels like a huge step backwards. I'm starting to worry about her ability to handle trauma work. Or maybe it just wasn't apparent at my last session how big this was. It hurts so much to be left this long trying to deal with these feelings alone.

It is a really long time.

What would you think of speaking to someone of a listening hotline?

I've never really considered trying a hotline. I am so much more awkward on the phone than I am through text or in person. That option has always seemed like a last resort, like if I was considering suicide or something.

I was feeling very good this morning at work. It was busy and people seemed to be in pretty good moods. Maybe they had a nice weekend. In the afternoon, it simmered down.

Tonight I went to the pool area. It's very unseasonably cold out tonight. I was by myself for a while, and then a couple had to come in and ruin it for me. So it was too bad that had to happen. I talked to my friend tonight and he sounds much better. Still coughing a little bit, but it's getting back to normal now, and I had missed that.

To PsychNitrous: I had called those hot lines myself when I felt really down. It seemed like they were not very understanding and not professional. I get the feeling that they could be just high school kids who don't understand what life is all about on those hot lines.